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Reenie605

Please give me some advice to stay strong

6 posts in this topic

About a week ago he got drunk and there was a huge blowout in front of the kids.  I can't even remember how it all started.  But I do remember that I said to him do you love me and he said how can I love you when you've gotten so fat.  I asked again just to make sure and I got the same answer.  I know once he starts he doesn't stop so I told the kids to get in the car and as we were walking toward the car he was outside shouting you're fat you don't do anything you can't even hold down a job.  (I lost my job three weeks ago but just started a new one).  I told him he can go ahead and find someone to sell the house because I am going to start looking for an apartment.  He called once when we were in the car and continued to shout about how much of a loser I am and all the things that are wrong with me.  The next day he went to work and tried to call me during the day.  I didn't answer but texted him and said I'm not talking to him and again said I was looking for an apartment and would be out as soon as I could.  

So of course he has promised to be better.  He said he won't drink anymore but also said he expects me to be better by trying to lose weight.  I didn't respond.  Since then he's tried to be mister wonderful.  He hasn't been drinking and today (he's on vacation this week) he made a huge breakfast for everyone and then cleaned up everything in the kitchen.  He started talking about bills and how we were going to need to buy a car next year and I said what are you talking about do you not remember that I am supposed to be looking for an apartment?  All hell broke loose and he kept going on about how I don't want to admit the truth (that I've put on a lot of weight) and that I am basically the bad guy in this relationship and that the only reason he started drinking was because of me.  

Then when he calmed down (again) he said that he wants to work on this relationship.  Promised to be better etc...etc....The thing is - I saw an apartment today and it's mine if I want it.  I do want it. but I don't know how to handle it when he starts making promises and crying and saying that he knows he hasn't been good and all that....I know I need to get out and that I am just a possession to him, but I don't know how to get past this.  I said something to my 20 yr old daughter and she said she's never seen me so sad and miserable and that I have to do it.  I know I have to.  But that final moment scares me.  Not that he'll hurt me...I know that won't happen...but panicky inside feeling.  I know others have been through it.  How did you do it?  I feel so bad for him.  He has nothing and he's so phoey blind he can't see that and continues to piss on the one thing he does have.  

 

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2 minutes ago, Reenie605 said:

About a week ago he got drunk and there was a huge blowout in front of the kids.  I can't even remember how it all started.  But I do remember that I said to him do you love me and he said how can I love you when you've gotten so fat.  I asked again just to make sure and I got the same answer.  I know once he starts he doesn't stop so I told the kids to get in the car and as we were walking toward the car he was outside shouting you're fat you don't do anything you can't even hold down a job. 

All hell broke loose and he kept going on about how I don't want to admit the truth (that I've put on a lot of weight) and that I am basically the bad guy in this relationship and that the only reason he started drinking was because of me.  

 

^^^ Do it so you never have to hear this kind of BS from him ever again.

He's putting conditions on his love for you, contingent upon the way you look. This is the opposite of love. :( It's objectifying you as thing that needs to look the way he wants before he's willing to show you any kindness, which he is incapable of anyway, regardless of the way you look. Abusers would continue to abuse us even if we looked like supermodels. They just need something to continually use as a justification for their abuse. If it weren't weight, it would be something else. 

You are beautiful and enough just the way you are

You are ENOUGH.

His "good" behavior is all part and parcel of the cycle of abuse. He's trying to hoover you back in with the words you want to hear, promises you want him to make, tears he hopes will melt your heart and make you want to stay with him. But he's also just demeaned you, insulted the integrity of who you are, and objectified you. He's that person, far more than the sweet, blubbery one who is desperately trying to put in a half-assed effort to keep you in. 

(((Reenie)))

 

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21 hours ago, Reenie605 said:

The thing is - I saw an apartment today and it's mine if I want it.  I do want it. but I don't know how to handle it when he starts making promises and crying and saying that he knows he hasn't been good and all that....I know I need to get out and that I am just a possession to him, but I don't know how to get past this.  I said something to my 20 yr old daughter and she said she's never seen me so sad and miserable and that I have to do it.  I know I have to.  But that final moment scares me.  Not that he'll hurt me...I know that won't happen...but panicky inside feeling.  I know others have been through it.  How did you do it?  I feel so bad for him.  He has nothing and he's so phoey blind he can't see that and continues to piss on the one thing he does have.  

 

Someone who loves and cares about you, would not insult you and put you down like that!  His words and actions are not those of someone who genuinely cares about you. 

Take the apartment and move. Your brain is right. Your daughter is right.

If you leave when he's not there, you won't have to deal with a final confrontation with him. Start moving out your things as best you can to another location. Especially the important things like irreplaceable memorabilia and copies of important papers.

You don't have to subject yourself to his promises and crying and hoovering. You CAN hang up if he tries - or not pick up at all. You have no obligation to listen to him, to engage with him in conversation, or to subject yourself to his manipulation. You don't have to. You are your own person. Just because he talks, doesn't mean you have to listen. Hoovering is abuse. You are not obligated to let him try.

If he writes, don't read it. Block him every which way. You do not have to pay attention to his words or promises. You don't even have to hear them. He doesn't have the right to force you to listen or hear him. He is not more of a "person" than you, with more rights than you. You have your own rights to protect yourself and that includes not subjecting yourself to his crap.

And feeling bad for him? I bet that feeling goes away after you've been away from him for a while and get some distance and perspective. He insults you, and you feel bad for him. He is a pig to treat you like that. He is mean and cruel to you. Your compassion is unfortunately wasted on him. Abusers, though, condition you to feel guilty, to feel sorry for them. 

Take the apartment and sneak out any way you can. You don't need a final moment or to talk to him at all. There is no need to be "honorable" in leaving someone who hurts you. The rules are off when it comes to abusers. 

Basically you are running for your life. 

There is no rule that says you have to give him any chances to even talk to you or try to hoover you. No rules at all. You don't need to subject yourself to him. You have the total right and authority over your own self to hang up, walk away, throw away or delete unopened letters or emails, block his communication, change your number, do whatever it takes to protect yourself from his manipulation. 

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Getting your stuff out when he isn't around is the easiest. Then just don't come home. He'll figure it out.

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He has "conditional" love for you. You are better than that. You deserve unconditional love. Your kids give you that. 

Paragraph 1 was him being drunk and abusive. But paragraph 2 is about him being sober and abusive. So him trying to do better is still REALLY bad. He's blaming YOU for him being abusive. That's classic abuser speak. Abuse 101

Leaving is hard. REALLY hard. Hardest thing I've ever done! But I did it. You will second guess yourself 1000 times. You will doubt your judgement and drown in guilt. BUT...you will survive. If your own child is encouraging you to do it, you should listen to her. At least you will have her support. And you can't worry about him and how he's going to survive and how sad he's going to be. I know that sounds cold but think about this. He hasn't worried about how hurt you are by his words and how you feel? for YEARS! They treat us like crap and then we worry that us leaving will "hurt" them. I did it too so I'm not making fun of any of us. You have to save yourself! 

Be your own hero.

You can do this. We will support you. If you read, we have several on here in various stages of leaving. They can help, too. 

I'm here to tell you life is better on the other side. Run through the flames to safety. 

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I am not one of the ones who has made it out yet but I am getting closer. Mine had his last huge blow up about a month ago. It is all my fault. If I just listened to him he wouldn't get mad. I am making my preparations to go. I did meet with a lawyer and have an emergency bag if I need to go suddenly. Things are calmish at the moment although I think there is more going on that I am just opening my eyes too. Keep with your plan and stay strong. You can do this. You have already told him you are leaving. I haven't gotten to that point and it scares. You took the first step. Just keep walking. Hopefully I will be not to far behind. 

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