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WhatNow

I did it! It was awful but I did it!

12 posts in this topic

So I told him face to face that I was filing for divorce (with the social worker present). It was terrible. He was already starting to cry when he came in to the meeting and sat down. When I told him I thought it was best if we split up he completely broke down. I felt really bad but then he started say that I should have told him that I'd noticed our marriage wasn't healthy, that he'd been begging me to help him and I wouldn't, that I never went along with plans that we made together...so yeah, basically blamed me for his behavior. I should have told him our marriage wasn't healthy? You scream at me and the kids almost daily over dumb stuff but I should have told you it wasn't healthy? At that point I definitely felt myself detach. The social worker had implied that he'd had some sort of wake-up call. Yeah, no wake-up call. He said he shouldn't yell but basically blamed me for him doing it. I think the social worker realized finally and she did reign him in some, but a couple of times I had to say that I didn't think a particular line of discussion was productive. He also, sobbing, asked me a half dozen times if there was anything he could do...that if he went to therapy and showed he was really trying...that I'd agree to work on the marriage. I just said a flat no each time. He got really upset, wanted to know how I could just say no and not give him a chance. I held my ground. He was showing his true colors the whole time. At one point I started to get up and say I felt that we'd gotten as far as we could because he just kept grilling me about how I could have not told him that our marriage had problems but the social worker was able to redirect him.

In the end he agreed to leave the house on a short term basis so we could move back in and my daughter could start school on time, but then said he couldn't move into an apartment because he had so many tools so would I consider moving. So you want me to move your kids to an apartment so you can have room for your...tools? He did say the kids would go with me and then immediately asked me not to touch his retirement pay. It was just sort of sad and pathetic...all the concern for the money and the houses and the stuff, very little for me or the kids. He also informed me that his definition of co-parenting was the 4 of us going out and doing stuff together, which was just so odd. I sort of let that one go for the time being.

By the time I got home he'd already called and left a voicemail about how a place with a big garage for his tools was going to be too expensive and could I please call him right away to discuss finances. I didn't call back. I need to talk to my lawyer first. Then the social worker called to say he'd asked for his guns back. I didn't even know the military had taken them, but that's kind of reassuring. She said she was recommending that he not get the guns back yet. It's strange to me that he even asked so soon after being told he'd be allowed to contact me.

He also asked me if he could come and go from the house when I was there with the kids because he wanted to have access to his stuff. I just left my stuff for almost a month so I don't know why he'd need to be in and out all the time. I told him not yet, we could discuss that later too.

It was a strange, exhausting, sad conversation but I'm glad I did it. It reassured me that he hasn't changed. I'm not making the wrong decision leaving.

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Wow... that's HUGE. ((((WhatNow)))

I'm so glad to hear you stuck firm on all his lame attempts to blameshift and make you responsible for his own behaviors. Sounds like you kept a super-cool head (that's really hard to do!!!) and saw things clearly in the moments - which is amazing to me.

I do hope the social worker got a clue. She has a lot to learn about abusive relationships. Maybe this was a wake-up call for her.

Now is a time to treat yourself gently and with kind care. You've done some really, really difficult stuff... you deserve to pat yourself on the back and just be very kind and loving to yourself. It's hard to go through all this, but you're doing really amazingly - especially in the face of all the pressure against you by the professionals who didn't seem to want to validate your perspective. 

You should be very, very proud of yourself. 

:hug008:

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Wow...................way to GO!!!  

Stay strong and give yourself an "atta girl".............  This is only round one.........he will continue to try to push and pull so keep your boundaries strong and intact. You can do this......you are stronger than you think!

 

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Well done.  You have done a great job of being honest and then maintaining boundaries.

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Well done you! There is so much wisdom and strength in your post. You should be so proud of yourself!!

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I actually am so grateful to this forum. It's helped me to come to terms with the reality of what I'm dealing with because so many of you are dealing with the same reality. It isn't just me. The Lundy book is helping a lot too. I thought I was pretty versed in what was going on but as I read her book it sort of ties everything together and I'm realizing the issues are far more pervasive than I'd thought. I know the hard stuff is just beginning as he's already starting to employ control tactics and I feel like I have to carefully watch every step I make with him, but I'm already feeling much more equipped to handle it.

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First off congratulations for being strong enough to take the leap! It sounds like it was pretty hard but you've given me hope. 

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Good for you!  I'm glad the social worker finally got it and that she has decided he can't get his guns back yet.

I hate to say it but the concern about stuff, money, and things being convenient for them, is typical. Abusers don't care if the kids get displaced, have to make sacrifices, etc., as long as they get what they want.

Definitely, talk to your lawyer about his retirement and other things you're entitled to. You can also request that he start paying child support since he's no longer living with you.  Kids cost money, especially at the beginning of the school year.

 

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Good for you. You are a strong woman.

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