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gone

In the waiting zone

8 posts in this topic

I'm in the waiting zone, while I get my ducks lined up and wait for a home equity loan to fund as my source of cash to leave.  Every day since I made the decision to go has been a little different.  I've had days of total exhaustion, sadness and grief, anger, joy and exhilaration, and suffocating fear.  He knows nothing of this, I will be going secretly and leaving the state and going totally dark for as long as possible. 

We are waiting on some payoffs to post on his credit report, and then we will be re applying for a line of credit on the house.  Prior to my decision to leave, our plan was to use these funds to start investing in real estate flips.  He knows how to do the construction, I'm good at finding the deals, plus in preparation for this, I've gotten my contractors license and am taking my state exam for real estate agent license tomorrow.  Obviously these will both help me in my new life, since I've been a stay at home homeschool mom for the last 15 years.  

I am tryIng to make tentative plans for departure, but I can't solidify much until I have that cash in hand.  I have done a ton of legwork getting ready, though.  Bank accounts, power of attorney for my h, mail drop box with forwarding, tomorrow will be a mini storage unit, burner cell phones, and lots of lists.  I've been working on my credit report and credit score, added myself onto all his credit cards as an authorized user so it would boost my score, then got cards in my own name, etc.  then changing the mailing address on tons of things, utility bills, my credit cards, subscriptions.  Changing passwords on all the email and online stuff.  New Facebook account, new email account.  There are so many details. 

I am trying to make plans for any contingency.  He has said repeatedly that if I ever left, he'd track me down and kill me and himself.  He has also said, more recently, that he would just kill himself, but burn the house down first and cancel his life insurance policy, so that I would be left with nothing.  And of course, he might just carry on, or sue for custody, or who knows what.  It's really nuts trying to think through all the different scenarios to think what I need to do!  

Thankfully, though, I'm thinking very clearly now, and am on top of it, with a few days here and there of curling up in a ball in bed.  

Now we have a new wrinkle, he has been laid off from his long term employer for a while, and is probably taking a job with a new employer in a couple weeks.  Which will make it easier to go logistically, since he will be out of  the house every day, but it also makes it easy to stall, since he's not right here in my face.  Also, since I've been on "whatever you say dear" mode, since I decided to leave, he's been super happy and sweet, of course, which subtly eats away at my resolve.  

I can't reapply for the home loan until probably August 21-23, and then it will probably be a week or two until it funds.  I know that it's not likely to have any problems being approved, but if it weren't, i do not know how I'd do this.  We are home equity rich and cash broke.  With 4 kids who have always been homeschooled, I can't imagine trying to roll with little to no cash, and have to put them in public school while I try to find a job, etc.  I also don't see any good odds of renting a new place, getting a car, etc, with cheesy credit score, no job, etc.  so, the money is pretty paramount to my leaving.  

I won't be getting involved with the system or courts before I go, because I won't risk being restricted from leaving the state.  I have an appointment with a divorce atty later this month, and I will retain him in case h tries to file for custody.  So that also means no child support or alimony for at least six months, until I felt safe filing in my new state.  If he does follow through on his threats to kill himself, there are two life insurance policies.  One big one he could theoretically cancel, although he has never handled any of the paperwork or banking, so he'd have to figure out all the contact info, but he is certainly capable.  The other one, he knows of, but doesn't even know the company. And it'd be harder for him to identify the payments from our bank records, to know who to call to cancel.  That one though, would be enough to buy a house and car and get in a decent position to carry on.  The big one would be sufficient to support the kids and I for 15-20 years, which is why we got it, so I could buy a house and keep homeschooling, without having to worry about income. It's hard to think about the logistics of the life insurance policies, but I have to come up with different plans.  I don't know if he will actually do what he's threatened, but he's certainly capable, and I won't let those threats stop me from leaving.  And I know he has been using the suicide threats as emotional manipulation this last year, too, so he may not have ever had any real intention.  

There is also a huge component of his involvement with the "patriot movement".  He is and has been high level state wide and even nationally, in the groups and events of the last few years.  We've had multiple calls from the FBI, I've been instructed to vacate my home for fear of FBI round ups, it's nuts.  We travel everywhere with multiple weapons, have all sorts of preset plans in case this or that happens.  Tons of his close friends and people in his group are in prison, or on trial, or being visited repeatedly by the Feds.  It's a very very stressful way to live.  So the possibility of him being arrrsted for these activities is huge, and grows every frigging day with the stuff going on in the Bundy trial in Nevada right now.  Just today, the judge openly declared that every single one of the operations my husband has organized, led, and participated in have been illegal.  That sure sounds like an indictment waiting to happen.  And his attitude is getting more openly hostile towards the Feds every day, as well.  Somethimes I think he wants them to come for him.  I just want off this freak train, kwim? 

I have no good communication with anyone that I can talk to about any of this.  He watches for emails to or from my sister, so I have to be super careful with those.  I can get on this website pretty much totally unnoticed though, so hopefully it's ok for me to just chat about my progress, and the crazy FBI stuff, and how I'm feeling here.  I have a million and one thoughts every day, but no one to share it with.  

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Wow

Good for you. It sounds like you are doing what you need to do. ((hugs))

It would be good for you to find support somewhere.

It would also be good to speak with an attorney before you take actions which might have unforeseen consequences.

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I have an appointment with the atty in a few weeks.  I will definitely make sure that I don't end up being at risk of a paternal kid napping or interference of custody charge.  If H goes to the courts and I have to come back for hearings, then I will.  I have also worked very hard to distance myself from all his patriot stuff.  

Judginh from the phone conversations going on around this house tonight, I am preparing absolutely that this may resolve before I leave.  The afternoon in court for the bundy trial had even more explicit denouncement of my husbands actions as furtherance of the conspiracy against the government.  He has been on the phone and messaging nonstop ever since.  I don't know what they are deciding to do, but I can guess.  I highly doubt the federal prosecution is going to go to these lengths to tie him into this and not indict and arrest him.  They very possibly have an indictment already.  I wish I could run right freaking now.  I want nothing, nothing, nothing to do with this. 

And the crazy part is he spent the morning making breakfast and snacks for the kids and doing their homeschool projects with them.  Freaking surreal.  

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I'm also in a waiting zone. I've decided I can't take anymore as well. I unfortunately can't leave when things seem better. That's something that is really hard for me personally so I decided when things get bad again I'm leaving. I am putting things in place to be ready. The last time I was not ready and chickened out but I will be ready now. My husband did find out I was thinking of leaving and has been super nice and much less crabby lately. I know it won't last as it never does.  That's good that you have so much in place. Good luck to you. 

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Wow, that's a lot to deal with!

I know it's to boost your own score, but I would strongly recommend that you actually untangle your credit history from his in order to protect yourself. There is a huge, huge risk in being a user on his credit cards....you could end up being financially liable for all of that debt (any number of things could happen to make that occur - and even if there is no debt now, he could run it up in an instant)  AND you could end up being liable for half the debt in a divorce. The more separate your finances are, the better and safer for you....even if it impacts your credit score. I'd have to strongly recommend taking yourself back off those cards as soon as you can. It's done its job and it's best to get yourself off before any proceeding.

Also, re the home loan money, I'd recommend if you only take half. . (and, keep clear documentation of the full amount and exactly your withdrawal, document it every which way) so they can't claim you were hiding funds or stole his due, which would make you end up in trouble.

To be honest....People do find ways to run without bankrolls. So if it comes to that, try to think of contingencies of what you could do. For example, instead of buying or renting a home, some members on leaving have stayed in those extended-stay hotels with kitchenettes that can be rented by the week or month, until getting on their feet. You will be employable with your license and skills. Don't underestimate your ability to pull it off, if you need to.

 

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Hello Gone 

You are doing brilliantly -Good for you 

BUT I am so glad that Quaddie has brought up about the credit cards in both names etc As it Screamed out to me as a very big worry .

I had experience personally of what this can lead to . A living nightmare . Get your name off of anything like that quickly  as safely as you can ,without detection .

And yes - only take 50% of any monies .

He will rage against anything you do. But if you can document Fairness in all things like that , it will be seen in your favour . 

A few weeks after I left ,

Mine tried to cheat me out of half of the proceeds from a sale of some land we had and he almost succeeded ,but for some quick thinking ,I managed to get a block put on our joint bank account so that when the money was paid in,it bounced back to the solicitors office . He ( the solicitor ) then oversaw fair division of the proceeds . My husband threatened suicide if I didn't agree to it going into our joint account,so I agreed and then blocked it . I have no idea now how I had the presence of mind to go to the bank and arrange this, they were most unhappy but I refused to leave until they did something .

I was then accused by him of trickery and premeditated decietfullness . 

If I hadn't done what I did he would have instantly transferred this money of OURS   into his own private account , he did online banking so would have sat and watched it arrive . 

He was apoplectic when he discovered what I had done ! 

I was penniless . He has cleared out our joint account into his own account on the day I left .  

 It is sooo hard trying to think of every scenario .

In the end I wasn't ready but had just completely had enough one morning and picked up my car keys .

I wish you all the luck and strength in the world for you and your blameless children .

Your situation sounds frightening and unwholesome . 

Keep safe 

Youre doing what needs / has to be done .

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6 hours ago, Confused714 said:

I'm also in a waiting zone. I've decided I can't take anymore as well. I unfortunately can't leave when things seem better. That's something that is really hard for me personally so I decided when things get bad again I'm leaving. I am putting things in place to be ready. The last time I was not ready and chickened out but I will be ready now. My husband did find out I was thinking of leaving and has been super nice and much less crabby lately. I know it won't last as it never does.  That's good that you have so much in place. Good luck to you. 

I felt the same way about leaving when he seemed to be behaving well. There was an easy solution. He's only happy when he gets what he wants. Don't give him what he wants and he'll give you that behavior that you need to see to get out.

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4 hours ago, Bennu said:

I felt the same way about leaving when he seemed to be behaving well. There was an easy solution. He's only happy when he gets what he wants. Don't give him what he wants and he'll give you that behavior that you need to see to get out.

I am kind of doing that. I decided I'm done walking on eggshells. I'm just going to live my life. He will behave as he wants. I told him what needs to change. I'm going to stop worrying about if I upset him or not. 

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