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Hope41

Family Domestic Violence

11 posts in this topic

I'm new to this forum, I am hoping to get some support, I'm not sure what I need really.I basically have no one and I am so very down to the point I have self harmed tonight.

I was in a relationship about 20 years ago and went through some terrible domestic violence, I went through a terrible and frightening assault after I decided to leave my partner.I was six months pregnant at the time and had a toddler, both his children. I was too busy trying to get through the pregnancy and get help for my daughter, I never got decent help for myself.

my ex has over the years still continued to contact me and threatened me with various agencies,never succeeded though.

i also experience family violence from my mother, not physical by terribly controlling and emotional abuse.Today things got really bad and she prevented me from leaving my home, I am so distraught and ashamed

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Hello Hope, I'm sorry you're having these difficulties. 

Have you contacted a local DV agency and talked to them? They may have resources and advice for you, and may be able to connect you with support as well.

Preventing you from leaving the home is a form of physical abuse. I know my words won't change how you feel, but there is nothing to be ashamed about - you are not causing these things to happen. You do not bring this onto yourself. THEY are abusive, and they are the ones who "own" the responsibility for it.

In my own opinion, I feel like self-harming is sometimes an outward expression of feeling helpless and trapped.  So it becomes important to take steps that will help you feel not helpless and trapped. 

Now, to try to put together those steps, some of us can probably chime in with some ideas - but we'd need a bit more info about your situation.  For example, how old are your children and are they living with you? 

And it sounds like you are living with your mother - what is the circumstance surrounding that, are you living with her to help her, or because there aren't other options?

Do you have a job or income? Transportation? 

Taking stock of everything can help identify where steps can be taken to start making things better.

You can get yourself free from abuse, and although it may be challenging, it can be done. 

 

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I am sorry. Share more if you feel like you can and we may be able to offer useful suggestions. It isn't your fault. You can find your way to a better life.

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Thank you. I feel ashamed as I just don't have any strength to stand up for myself. 

My chilldren are not little, both late teens. 

I don't live with my mother but she lives with my father a two minute drive away.

 

i just feel so trapped and have had to put up with abusivse people majority of my life.

 

iam going to try and find some counselling for myself but that is so difficult because I work five days a week and will have to ask for time off and then try hide it from my mother as she constantly rings to check on me

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I was able to find people who would give me appointments after work hours or on Saturdays, so see if you can.

Also, you are an adult and your mother does not have the right to know everything you are doing. You have the right to be your own person without her interference or knowledge. 

Let her ring, let her ask, you don't need to answer - it is not her business. That may seem like a really foreign and difficult concept right now if you've been used to constancy with her, but you do have a right to be a separate person, and to not answer or even talk to her if you want.

You also have the right to walk away, hang up, not allow her into your home, etc.

Boundaries. 

 

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You are an adult and do not have to answer your mother's phone calls or let her into your house!

I know boundaries are hard to enforce when you have a parent who lacks them.  But it is your house and she has no business forbidding you from leaving your house. 

Counseling is an excellent idea. Your local domestic violence center will have counseling available in the evening and at a reasonable price (most offer sliding scales). You don't have to be physically abused to use their services.  It's worth know that preventing you from leaving your house is physical abuse. 

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Thank you very much, I didn't think of it as physical abuse, I understand it now though

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You can start by turning off your phone sometimes. Stop answering it all the time. Tell your mother so. Start saying no. You can do it a little at a time. 

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I made an appointment with my gp tomorrow to get a referral for counselling. I spoke to a dv helpline and they said due to the past abuse I should look for specialist counselling . But how do I explain about my mother to the doctor? I feel embarrassed 

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Don't be embarrassed. Doctors have seen and heard it all.

Your mom sounds very controlling and you need to gently pull away from her.

When mom calls practice not answering. She may call over and over. In your own time call her back and don't even tell her why you didn't answer. Just "oops i didnt hear it ring." This may infuriate her (if she's anything like my ex). Say "OH gotta go" and quickly hang up. Do it a few times and she'll start to understand. If she comes over mad cause you didn't answer the phone, don't answer the door. 

Consider moving farther away. Seriously. A 15 min gap would do you wonders. 

And my therapist meets me after work. I also had to learn boundaries. You need them too. You can do it.

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I'm not sure where you're located, but are you sure you need a referral for a counselor? In the US pretty much even if you're on an HMO, you don't need a referral for counseling.

In any case, if you do need a referral, you don't need to go into details or tell him it's your mother. If you need to say anything at all, you can just say there is a situation where you are being verbally and emotionally abused. You don't need to tell him who or what it is. If he pushes you, or is concerned for your safety, you can say that so far you are physically safe but you need a referral.

This is a boundaries thing, too.... knowing you don't necessarily have to justify or explain some things. You don't need to feel embarrassed, because it's your right to keep certain things to yourself, if you choose. You do not have to tell him who it is.

But I'd double-check first to see if a referral is required. If not, sometimes there are online directories in your plan that show practitioners' specialties or what they're experienced in.

 

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