• Announcements

    • Curly

      Replying to PMs

      Please note that you can not reply to a personal message by replying to the notification email. Recently admins have received some email responses to personal messages. This is because some members have replied to the notification email. You can not reply to a personal message via the email. What replying to the notification email does is send a copy of the original message and the reply to the admin email address. It does not send your reply to the person who sent you the message. The email notification of the personal message does request "PLEASE DO NOT REPLY DIRECTLY TO THIS EMAIL!"
    • Curly

      New Members and validating your account.

      New members registering please do not hesitate to contact our admin if you do not see a validation email within a few minutes of registering. Yahoo and some other email addresses tend to block the validation email and without this part of the process your account remains in limbo. Our admins are more than happy to help you complete the validation process should this automated system fail. We can be contacted via admin.our.place@gmail.com Please note that you may experience a delay between registering your account and validating before you are able to post as we do also manually process all registrations to keep this forum free of spam. Your account should be activated within 24 hours of you completing the validation process. Thank you.
JamesF

Verbally abused man

90 posts in this topic

The boundaries advice is legit - **to a point.*** People in abusive relationships frequently do have boundary issues....but that's not causative in abuse, either.

Where they're getting it wrong is in treating boundaries as if they are something you "enforce onto" someone else, as in disciplining a child, to try to get *them* to behave differently.

But boundaries are all internal, for your own self. They are not a catapult or barrage of arrows to protect the castle....they are the moat.

It IS really good to work on and learn more about boundaries....but so many are giving it this inappropriate twist that ends up being victim-blaming (blame-shifting). The book I like to recommend is "Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin" by Anne Katherine. 

But again....boundaries are not like rules you enforce onto others. Lack of good boundaries are taken advantage of by abusers. It does not **cause** abuse, and boundaries cannot **fix** an abusive relationship. Except by leaving - which is a healthy self-protective boundary being exercised.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Quaddie

I agree with you about the boundaries. We need to use our boundaries to protect ourselves and abusive people are still going to be abusive and try to push or illuminate our boundaries. I agree that when we leave an abusive relationship that we are using a healthy self- protective boundary. Well said Quaddie.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, AZ-home said:

\

When I "put the heat on" he could clean up his actions but not his attitude. So although he's not yelling and complaining left and right...so, he's quiet,...he was more frustrated than ever because he's still having those same thoughts. He's aggravated with everything I do, complaining in his head but stuffing it down. It was actually worse because he was holding stuff in. He was angry, and seething, and you could see him boiling on the inside. He was quiet but scary. This lead to him avoiding me, giving me the silent treatment and sometimes he would pop a cork and all that goo would come out at once. He was a volcano. It was no improvement. It was just a different style of anger and abuse. 

That's what I dealt with when I "wouldn't put up with it". The only real way to not put up with it is to leave.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
45 minutes ago, Bennu said:

That's what I dealt with when I "wouldn't put up with it". The only real way to not put up with it is to leave.

Amen to this! 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 8/9/2017 at 4:39 AM, hoping said:

I have felt frustrated when I tell people about my husband being abusive and they don't understand how I feel. I think that the ones that are going through it or have gone through it can understand it better. I agree with Quaddie that you can't stop them from being an abusive person. Abusive people can change the way they act by being nicer, abusing you about something else, by being more covert in their abuse but they are still abusers. They are still the same inside. They would have to change how they think before they can change. I was told by a counselor that thoughts come first, then emotions and then our actions. Abusers have abusive thoughts which make them act like they do. It use to be more difficult for me to see how my husband continued to be abusive but it is getting easier. I use to get my hopes up that he was changing a lot because of his actions but as time went on I still saw abuse and I was able to clarify it easier. 

Well I finally had a short talk where I said I wanted a divorce. It could've gone a lot better but could've been worse. Of course she fake cried while she said I'm not a real man blah blah. She stormed out and left. It feels very good to get that monkey off my back. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, I bet it does. I'm glad you were able to get her to leave. I hope you take time to heal and continue to discover the red flags of abuse so you can find a good relationship.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

She's only left temporary she'll be back so I'll have a tough time sleeping. But yes I plan to take my time and hopefully she doesn't go the messy route in the divorce.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh, I misunderstood. I hope you can find a way to live in a separate place from her. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That's great that you got that step over with. I'm sure things will be tough for awhile but you took the first step in that direction. I haven't done that yet. I gave him one more chance to change even though I know it's not possible without him actually getting help. I'm preparing for when it happens. I hope you can get her out without to much problems. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You're more brave than me. I couldn't look him in the face and do it. I was (and am) very scared of him and knew he would cause a big drama scene. Still it was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Her saying "you're not a man" is a low blow. It's abusive. More proof you are doing the right thing. I'm sorry you're going through this but you're doing a good job. Hang in there. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow, big step! I hope it goes as smoothly as possible from here..  Be prepared for her hoovers... promises to change, sad pleading she can't be without you she's sorry she'll change she needs your help to get through this how could you abandon her in her time of need blahblahblah

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So today she asked me if I still wanted to get a divorce and it knocked me back. I don't understand I was clear and left no room for question. I guess this is a sign of her different reality she's in? She said she's not leaving until I blah blah. I'm not sure what to do or what my rights are because she is forcing me to force her out. :/

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That's typical - they truly do live in a different sort of reality created by their mindset. (In fact, I just wrote about that in another post, lol.) 

Have you spoken to a lawyer yet? They can advise you of your rights in getting her to leave. 

Meantime, you're probably safe in saying, "Yes, I'm not changing my mind. You have until _________ date to move out."  

If you don't give her a deadline (and stick to it, and have the means to somehow stick to it)... then they will  stay forever. Witness we have members who broke up with their partners months or year(s) ago and the abuser is still living with them and won't leave. You may need to move and get rid of the home out from under her. It may be worth it - something to consider.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Quaddie said:

That's typical - they truly do live in a different sort of reality created by their mindset. (In fact, I just wrote about that in another post, lol.) 

Have you spoken to a lawyer yet? They can advise you of your rights in getting her to leave. 

Meantime, you're probably safe in saying, "Yes, I'm not changing my mind. You have until _________ date to move out."  

If you don't give her a deadline (and stick to it, and have the means to somehow stick to it)... then they will  stay forever. Witness we have members who broke up with their partners months or year(s) ago and the abuser is still living with them and won't leave. You may need to move and get rid of the home out from under her. It may be worth it - something to consider.

 

When she asked that I was scared I realized again that she is not rational and is in another reality. I don't see the logic in staying somewhere you aren't wanted. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Because they don't care if you want them, or not. You're supposed to be their thingie. To do and be for them. You're not a separate, unique individual whose desires and needs matter apart from fulfilling their own. They don't see or respect you as a separate, unique individual.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now