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mvfunk

Brand new, scared and confused.

5 posts in this topic

Hello

I have an amazingly complicated story to tell and I'm not sure where to begin. Much has happened over the 12 years of my marriage. Some my fault which is where the confusion comes in. It may be more prudent for me to let you ask the questions but a short roundup. I'm 33 male. 3 amazing kids. I work professionally and am fairly well paid I'm also a professional musician. My wife and i have been married 12 years. Things went bad in 2007 when my po rn addiction came out during my wife's pregnancy with our first daughter. It's been downhill since. I quit po rn for good in 2009 and last masturbated in 2010 (she considers that cheating). From 2007 on I've been subjected to multiple (so many i can't count) behaviors from her that definetly fall into the category of abuse. I couldn't even begin to remember half of them. All done with the excuse of since I'm the one who messed up the marriage in the first place she has every right to act out so to speak. So this is just a reaction to my poor behavior.

It's gotten really bad before. In 2009 I made the mistake of pushing her during an argument. She was shouting at me in my face like less than an inch from my nose saying "you think you're so smart and tough (I'm paraphrasing) you're nothing but an addicted sicko..." etc etc I just said "enough!!" pushed her back onto the couch so I could get away. She calls the cops guess who gets arrested (they didn't take me in i just had to leave the house for 24 hrs) the police told me they are writing down in my record that I did this and that if anyone from our household calls again, even if it's me, they are arresting me immediately. She uses that on me all the time. I wont leave a room when she asks pulls out the phone dials 911 with her finger on the button. 

Well i've asked for years for her to not do that. It reduces my capacity to handle situations. 

The reason I'm here is that it took a SCARY turn on Saturday. She had been yelling at me. Shut our bedroom door and locked it and stood in front of it. She kept telling me resolve the situation we were dealing with but every time I'd try and speak she'd say "shut the f word up! now do the right thing and resolve this" After I got the hint to be quiet. She was just leaning on the door on social media. After 20-30 mins of silence I asked if I could please leave the room i had lots to do around the house and I stood up and made for the door. She said "If you try and get out this door, I'll call the cops and tell them you've been abusing me and molesting the kids....." I sat the f word down and was quiet for another 45 mins until i guess she got bored and left. Sunday wasn't much better following me around filming everything I was doing. Just crazy as hell behavior. 

I realize there are massive holes here so ask away but here is the challenge for me. I have my flaws issues and problems also. I've name called I've shouted. Am I abusive also? and in addition I did kind of mess up her life. I do feel I have this coming to me in a lot of ways. 

Reaching out for advice. 

 

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Here is what I have learned. Blocking a door so they cannot freely leave or pass is abusive. Using 911 as a threat is abusive. She's threatening to tell them you molested the children? That's a lie and abusive! I'm not sure of the issue causing her to lock you 2 in the bedroom but I dare say she's handling it poorly. 

But you pushing her is also abusive. But I also understand when someone is in your face shouting and calling you names, you probably snapped. 

So po rn WAS an issue and you resolved it? I realize forgiveness is hard and takes time but I think she is bitter and trying to punish you and this is not healthy for either of you. If this is truly in the past then some work needs to be done to repair this relationship before it's too late. 

There is a great book you can download for free online (somewhere) called "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. Don't let the gender steer you away. We all know abusers come in both genders and all types of couples. It will help shed light on the behaviors you are dealing with and what you should do about it. 

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For one thing, masturbating is not cheating. It is generally considered healthy. That is terribly controlling of her to prevent you from doing it.

How did you mess up her life?

Reacting when someone is shouting in your face is only normal, but pushing her is still wrong. I've done wrong things in reaction to abuse too. That behavior wasn't me and away from him it's gone.

Threatening to lie to police that you are molesting the children is unforgivable. Not letting you out the door also. 

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. You need to be very careful about how you handle her. She will use the children to manipulate you. People tend to blame the male and that isn't fair. My brother's wife abused him also.

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Thank you or the replies so far. I don't masturbate because she feels as if I shouldn't need to do that ever. She does not view it as healthy and says it's bizarre that therapists treat it as such. There have been many instances of moments that are "unforgivable" I always go back though. She lures me back with sex sometimes and I'm mad every time I let it happen. I'll try out that book

 

I messed up her life by not disclosing/dealing with depression and a po rn addiction when we got married. She feels tricked though I do as well. I know it was absolutely wrong of me to push her and the legal experience is enough alone to keep me in check forever. I have many times passively allowed myself to be slapped, pushed and such out of fear of any protection moves from myself. That said that was in 2009 so we're what? 8 years out from that. We've had a third daughter since then I think the contradiction of me being a "molester" yet choosing to have more kids with me is odd likewise with being a "danger" why has she stayed? It's all extremely exhausting and I find myself fantasizing about a quiet condo that is all mine. Doing nothing at night but reading a book and spending time with my kids when allowed. 

 

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This is a very unhealthy and emotionally dangerous "relationship."

Also, masturbation is normal and healthy. If she is so far insecure and controlling about that...which btw is also a privacy issue and tramples your boundaries (which abusers love to do, by the way)... In my opinion, there's not really any chance of a mature, healthy relationship. 

Everything that's going on is all kinds of wrong. You'll end up in legal trouble from her machinations. Better to plan an escape on the sly.

 

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