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sunshine27

Crumbs

3 posts in this topic

I'm pretty sure Bink or Quaddie posted this quite a while back but maybe it might help someone - 

You are most likely a "mess" because you have been living with someone who is putting you down, criticizing you, condemning you, blowing up at you for no reason, manipulating you, financially abusing you (it's a classic sign when you lose jobs/can't work because of the abuse, btw)... alllllllllll sorts of things that are also not your fault.

I get the sense that you're very accustomed to some sort of abusive dynamic (as was I) and that you really didn't develop a sense of what's ok vs. what's not. So this relationship seemed a lot better because it didn't have some of the negative features of the other one...... I totally "get" that. It's happened to me, too. Abusers do come in all shapes, sizes and tactics. Some even abuse with manipulations that are hidden within compliments. There's pretty much nothing we haven't heard about or experienced in here...

Time for the "crumbs" analogy. Again I'm rushed for time so I might not do a proper job explaining, but this is that we're so accustomed to abuse and not being treated respectfully (proper treatment would be a whole cookie... it all comes down to cookies, doesn't it, lol) that when we do get little bits and pieces of niceness ("crumbs"), we feel so good about it.

In my own relationship with my ex-h (I call him echthros), I finally realized that was not really "love" - it was gratitude. I felt grateful if somebody, anybody, wanted me. If he was nice in the most slightest of ways, I was over the moon. I didn't know any better.

To me it sounds like when he's nice, you're getting "crumbs." It's not the whole cookie (because with abusers, it cannot be). And there's probably quite a bit of trauma bonding to the relationship.....the gratefulness and comfort when it feels okay again. Trying to pretend it's normal, like viewing life through half-closed eyes and a blurry lens.

Of course, it's all 3,000 times harder right now because you have a new baby.

So anyway... the bullet points I'm trying to mention here are crumbs, trauma bonding, abuse normalization, errrrrrrrr there was another, but I forget.

When you're within an abusive relationship it might feel "normal" - in fact, especially if it's the kind of dynamic you're accustomed to. And some can be very intense and feel very "passionate" when they're in certain parts of the cycle. And there very well may be parts of the relationship that are good. But they are still generally extraordinarily destructive, in a lot of ways.

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Yes I had lots of crumbs.

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Lol that must have been me, echthros is my ex. <shudder>

So true. Also, I was thinking about something similar the other day. Hard to verbalize, but I'll give it a go.

When I was married, I thought "that is just how life is."

What I'd THOUGHT was "fun" - now, looking back... was nowhere near what fun actually feels like.

What I'd thought  was "caring behavior" from him - if he was being good - was nowhere near what actual caring behavior on an ongoing basis actually looks like. (I can count on one hand the number of times he impressed me with "caring" behaviors - that's how infrequent it was, and why it stood out. Caring behaviors should NOT stand out as being "abnormal." It should just be the normal.)

What I'd thought were "good times" - were bland and bleh and nowhere near what "good times" FEELS like with someone who actually cares about you as a person.

It was all on like an entirely different dimension than actual caring, respect and support are like. It's like....imposter-caring. Like we've talked about before with many of the abusers....  it feels like they are just going through motions. There is an entirely different type of connection  between people who actually support and care and respect each other. I don't mean "respect" as in "do what I say." I mean see and enjoy and like and respect your individuality as a person.

It's a whole different ballgame from what I thought "good" was. Of course, my concept of what life was like was very bland and tasteless. It was matter-of-fact and empty. 

A non-abusive relationship is not like that.
 

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