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Amicab

Confused

17 posts in this topic

I'm new here and just need someone to talk to about what's going on. 

 

My my husband have been together for 4 years, he's not physically abusive, he is emotionally and mentally abusive. He started insulting me a lot after our son was born a year after we met, all because I'm shy, quiet, introvert and I don't like people. He hated that I couldn't open up to him and I had nothing to talk about. He had an ex gf that had been cheating on him most of he 3 years they were dating, and he told me about all the times he tried to hurt her and he ended up destroying a lot of their things. 

 

We started having small arguments, which happened like once a month or every few months. Than it started happening once a week and then almost every single day. I myself have anger issues, I know that and I control myself and best as I can, but still I have never hurt him, I have never destroyed anything of husband because I was mad. Him on the other hand, he gets mad about anything and everything. I wake him up in the mornings to go to work and he gets mad, I ask him about something and he gets mad. It's freaking ridiculous and then once he's mad he won't leave our apartment and when I'm talking to our son he comes back and asks me why I'm still talking about whatever it is he said mad about even when I'm not talking to him or about whatever he's mad about. 

 

His mom told me that I like starting these arguments, and I like making people mad. Whatever. It's not my fault he's so volatile, and has a very short fuse. He likes to destroy things when he's mad, he's broken dishes, my cell phones and other small things and threatened to break everything that I paid for myself which is almost everything because I'm the only one working full time. 

 

So last week I woke up and my husband because we had to go to work and drop our son off at daycare too, he got mad because I asked him something and then refused to take us. So I went back to sleep and woke up a few hours later and again asked him to take me and he got mad again (he was actually still mad) after which I got some stuff in a backpack because I was going to go to the nearby park and tried to take my son with me and the phone and he pulled my son away from, and started carrying me and pushing me against the walls and threw me on the bed. That was the most abusive he's ever been to me, he bit me and I kept trying to break free so I was trying to bite, kick, or hit him. When he finally let me go I ran outside without my son (knowing he wouldn't hurt him) and tried to get ahold of some family that came over a few hours later and I called the cops.

 

He was arrested and were told there's no conact now. I've been messaging his mom about our sons schedule, and she keeps saying a lot of crap. I want to tell her that I won't talk to her anymore but I can't talk directly to my husband and I don't want to get my family involved to talk to him. His family is mad at me for calling the police, they're mad that he had to stay in jail and now we have to go to court? I'm not sure about that... I still miss him though. He has anger issues and I know that he's mad right now about what happened but it's fault if he knew how to control himself and wouldn't get angry about everything we wouldn't be having these problems. But he's mad, his mom is only fueling the fire instead of making him see that he obviously has a problem that was present long before he met me. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want him to stay the same. 

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4 hours ago, Amicab said:

he's not physically abusive,

He likes to destroy things when he's mad, he's broken dishes, my cell phones and other small things and threatened to break everything that I paid for myself

he pulled my son away from me, :excl:

and started carrying me :excl:and pushing me against the walls :excl:

and threw me on the bed.:excl:

he bit me:excl:

 I kept trying to break free

I ran outside without my son :o

He's not physically abusive? Please read your own words. That last line shows your level of fear. :hug005:

Kudos for having him arrested. I know that's not easy and like poking a beehive but good for you. I have more to say but will reply later.

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I meant to say that this is the first time he's ever physically hurt me. Yet everyone seems to think I overreacted, that I had no reason to call the police. His mom was seriously abused as he was growing up and out of his 3 brothers, he saw most of it. She left the country and came to the US and met her husband, and they went for the 2 older kids a few years later and then back for the youngest maybe 5 years ago? So that whole time my husband and his brothers were with their abusive, drunk dad. His mom is more mad at me than anyone, I thought of all the people she would understand what I'm going through and sympathize except she won't ever do anything to go against her son. Whenever he spoke to her about our issues she, his mother, told us to not get her involved. I want her to see that she did nothing to stop this from happening and doesn't even want to accept who he is.

 

My husband told me stories about his ex gf and obviously his mom knew too yet he and she still seems to think that behavior is ok, like they justify her cheating with him being abusive to her. He moved back in with his mom, after she often told me that she doesn't want him living there if I ever kicked him out (I've told him to leave several times before this because I hate how he behaves and has tantrums all the time),  and of course she said she doesn't want him living there because of how he acts. Which he's usually better around his family but still gets mad easily and they find that annoying. 

I often think that if my son ever acted like this with any girl he dated he would regret that, so I don't see why my husbands mom is defending him knowing how bad it can get.

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Amicab, I'm so sorry you are going through this.  Your H is definitely physically abusive.  Physical abuse starts out small for most and then escalates.  My ex used to be intimidating when raging at me then it turned to knocking things off surfaces.  It escalated to throwing things.  I knew the next step was hitting me the next time he got angry.  This is all very new for you.  I'm so glad you called the police.  There are times I wished I had when I was married.

Please be kind to yourself.  Don't listen to his family.  I'm pretty sure he is painting you as the wicked one in the relationship.  Please read a lot and learn more about abuse.  The more you wake up, the more you will understand.  Feel free to post a lot too.

If you have a good friend, ask them if they will be the liason between you and your H.  That way no family is involved and it will be less emotional turmoil for you.

I think the most important thing about "waking up" is being validated in what you have experienced and you indeed are in an abusive relationship that could become dangerous. Never hesitate to call the police if you are scared.  

Big hugs lady!!!!  

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Just a heads-up - physical violence (including breaking things) is classified as physical abuse because it is intimidation.  My ex used to break my things "accidentally" all the time.  He was a special kind of passive aggressive type.

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It's been a full week already. I hate not having him here in our home because of course we had our good times and I miss that. All I think about is how if I end it now we won't have anymore happy moments and we'll always be fighting about having our son.

Our son is sad and asks a lot about daddy and it gets so quiet here without him. He was very loud and noisy when he was happy. 

Anyway, I'm moving soon to new apartment with just my son.

The police officer said they would most likely have him take anger management classes. Would that help at all? 

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My ex took them. He got better at intimidating without being outwardly violent. He'd instead storm around the house making loud noises without actually breaking anything. He'd do this in the middle of the night so that no one could get any sleep if he hadn't been having proper ego stroking from us all. He's make me sit through long lectures about how I had ruined his life. He's insist that the children needed to be disciplined for imagined offenses. It just made him better at abusing covertly. The problem comes from the fact that they feel entitled to whatever it is that they are trying to make you do. They just learn other manipulation tactics because they still feel believe that their women should be serving their needs without question, compensation, or even decent treatment.

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Amicab - This is going to be hard for a while.  I've been divorced for 3 years and I still miss our "good" times.  Now that I'm our and I look back, those good times weren't really great.  They were often centered around feeding his ego one way or another.  They were not about my happiness or our growth together.

I'm sorry you are where you are right now.  It can and will get better if you let it.  Maybe some books might help for you to understand better.  I know they helped me.   Lundy Bancroft - "Why Does He Do That," and anything by Patricia Evans is a great place to start.  Unfortunately anger management nor marriage counseling help with abusive men (or women).  It often makes the abuse worse or covert as Bennu experienced.  

Please keep posting and reading.  We all understand and we are all here to support you!

I am happy you are away from him.  I know it is hard but he sounds dangerous and as I mentioned physical abuse often escalates more each time it happens.  They are ticking time bombs and you never know when they will explode.

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Thanks sunshine, I'll try to look for something at the library. 

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Also, remember your story about how you feel he became that way? Watching his father? I think you are right about that. And for that reason, you want to limit your son's exposure to  his abusive ways. Not that he shouldn't get to see his son. Not at all. But if you stay out of the relationship, your son can see you both in a healthier state. If in the future your husband gets a new woman and he treats her the same way, you son will be more able to distinguish that this is wrong and bad because you will be there as a positive influence for him. Do it for your son, so he doesn't end up the same way. The 3rd generation.

Also, trust me when I say, he is telling LIES to his family about what is REALLY happening. He knows he's the bad guy in this situation but to save face he is slandering you and saying WHO KNOWS WHAT! His mom SHOULD me more understanding because she was in a similar situation and SHE GOT OUT! She ran far, far away to escape! Go mother-in-law! She's amazing! She should be your biggest cheerleader. BUT...this is HER son. Her son who does no wrong and he's feeding her a big sack of BS about you. Mine told his family I cheated on him so that they would hate me. And they believed it. Why shouldn't they? They think he's great and doesn't lie and for all pratical purposes, I'm an outsider (even after 2 decades together). I know you don't want to hear this but you are losing them too. It's already happening. You are powerless to stop it. I lost my inlaws, a sibling and my entire church in the smear campaign. It can't be stopped. I had to suck it up buttercup, hold my head up and exit quietly with class and dignity the best I could. They are loyal to their son and that's just the way it is. You will be loyal to your son too. It's what moms do. Our kids are perfect in our eyes. 

The books will help. You can find "Why Does He Do That" free online as a download if you look for it. That way you can start reading it right away. I also find a lot of inspiration from YouTubers. You can do a YouTube search for Narcissistic Abuse, Smear Campaign, Emotional Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Gas Lighting. etc.

My therapist said my ex was abusive when he blocked me from leaving a room and put his hands on my car and pushed it to keep me from trying to pull out. It seemed so small to me but even that is abuse. Once I had validation that he was abusive (plus he was verbal, emotional, spiritual, and financially abusive), I felt empowered. You deserve to be treated better. You had good times, but the bad times are really bad and trust me, after 2 decades of that, you will be in a very bad place. Please learn from MY mistake. I didn't have the internet back then to reach out and get feedback like this. Please, stay gone. You're doing good so far! I'm cheering for you! Find a mutual friend to be the liaison between you and him for the sake of your son. Work out a fair custody agreement. Cut out contact as much as possible. My child is a young adult so I went full no-contact. I haven't spoken to the ex in almost a year and a half. It's freaky really but it helps you heal! It really does! 

And if you consider going back think of this. Since I stayed with my now-ex for so long, he was able to manipulate our son into believe the smear campaign and there for a while I lost contact with him completely. I now have him back in my life but it's been a long road. Do this while your son is small. I wish I had. They are mean and capable of great damage!!!

 

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I'm adding some pictures on the next post. 

 

I picked up my son last night at 9pm expecting him to have had dinner already because he has to be at daycare at 5:45am and and I have to be at work at 6;15 am. So I was expecting to get home right away and going to sleep. His grandma (my husbands mom) gave me some food and I asked her if he had dinner yet, she said no which is why she gave me the food. 

 

Of course I'm upset about this. My husband isn't working at the moment and I wasn't planning on having my son this week at all. So I was supposed to be at work at 5am, and I told  grandma since Saturday (when I last dropped off my son) that I needed to know if my husband would drop off my son at daycare on the 2 days a week he goes which would mean he has to wake up at 5:30am to take him, which of course he couldn't do because he's so busy with work and after work activities (much like myself). 🙄 

 

I had to sleep late because my son had to eat dinner LATE, I went to work late because I unexpectedly had to have my son with me and take him to daycare because his lazy donkey unemployed father doesn't want to wake up to take him. Then I tell grandma that my son needs to have dinner at or before 7pm and bedtime is at 9pm, which of course she got upset about. She literally gets upset every time I tell her something, she always has and never failed to mention it to my husband in their own language even in front of me. 

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His family will shield him because they are used to that behaviour and if they acknowledge that it is abusive they would have to investigate their own situation and behaviour, which they don't want to do. Abusers do not abuse because they are angry (although this is what they will tell you). They are angry because they are abusers. 

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Ami, I am very sorry that you are going through this.  You have absolutely been abused by this man and you have every right to be angry and have a temper when he treats you so outrageously.

Two truths that i believe are hard to accept, but once you do, will set you free are these:

  1. He and his family will never  change; and 
  2. You will never be able to depend on him or his family for any real parenting support.

I know it is hard to accept that there is nothing you can do to make him, or his mother, see how unfairly he has treated you, but it is the truth.  People with abusive mindsets do not change.  I have been on this forum since 2009 and I can honestly say that I have not come across one woman or man on this forum that has been able to say their abuser has been able to become non-abusive.  Those who have stayed in their relationships have to do some major, major managing of their partners behavior, which must be absolutely exhausting.  

In addition, you have the opportunity right now, to break the generational curse which is domestic and child abuse.  If you stay with your husband, your beautiful baby boy will almost be guaranteed to grow up to be either abusive himself, or a victim of abuse.  

Please read the books and resources already recommended.  They saved me.  I left a 20 year marriage in 2009.  The first time I thought about leaving was when my oldest was 1 year old. He was 17 when I finally left and he has suffered because of my staying with his father.  

He will not change.

It is up to you to provide your son a healthy home.

 

I hope you continue to post here.  You will get the validation you so deserve.  

Grabby

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Thanks everyone. 

 

His stepdad doesn't really like him I mean he does because it's his stepson but he's never been a real father to him, I'm curious to know what he thinks of the whole situation. It's hard because his mom has always helped us whenever we needed something and I was upset that she was mad at me for calling the cops on him and kicking him out and blah blah blah. Since she was physically abused for many years I thought she would have been there for me. But whatever I can't change what she thinks, I told her he's an A-hole and doesn't deserve a family. 

 

I have finally moved into a new apartment, tomorrow is my last day to move everything and I'm so excited. I have to go through everything over the next few weeks and decide what my husband will keep and what I'll sell in a yard sale. I don't plan on telling anyone he talks to that I've moved I will give him a chance to take what I leave for him at our old apartment and after that he won't have any idea where I've moved to. 

 

I have a few questions though... I haven't gotten a protection order against him and I don't really plan to. I know he's not going to come after me, so I'm not too worried about that. 

I got a letter in the mail that since I was requesting childcare assistance (well updating information for them since my husband left and I'm moving) that I needed to give them his information so he can pay child support. Do I have to? We've been doing good so far on staying on schedule, I have my son 4 days a week since he goes to daycare twice a week when he's with me and he's with me on my 2 days off. Then he stays with my husband and grandma for 3 days. We're not having any problems with that schedule since my husband isn't able to work full time he can only 3-4 days a week which should be the days our son stays with me.  They buy his diapers and whatever else he needs there so I don't have to provide them with anything, I keep what I buy and they keep what they buy for my son. I don't really think I need child support. 

 

I'm not sure what to do now about anything... I've just been going on with my life working full time and having my son 4 days a week. 

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It's sometimes the law that such things need to go through a court system. Have you consulted with a lawyer? If there is a law, you may still need to get the court's permission to give up child support. 

Visitation (or I think they call it parenting time now) is independent of child support, unless the child is with the parent more than "x" amount of time. There are usually formulas about it.

I think you should definitely talk to a lawyer (you can often get a free initial consult - or with several, if you're not sure you click with one). They are the best ones to advise you on this. And if the court requests information like that, it's usually in your best interest to comply. 

Also it helps to keep in mind that, much of the time, when dealing with abusers, there comes a need later to clarify or tie things down or get outside orders in order to get them to comply with what they're supposed to be doing. So the more air-tight and less wiggle-room for them that things are in the beginning, the better it is for you.

If your state system mandates things, however, it's moot and unavoidable. So really an attorney is the best person to ask.

Also if you have to legally clarify visitation, it often doesn't seem to work to leave it open-ended and call it "reasonable."  Abusers have a way of becoming unreasonable.

 

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A wonderful book on this subject (Divorcing narcissists with kids) is Divorce Poison. My son was an adult and once I actually FILED for divorce the he went for the juggler. Up until then he was being rather easy-going. I kinda read the book too late for me. The damage was already done. If you can read it now, it will help you prepare "for war." If it never happens, good. Can't hurt to be over prepared. 

And good for you on getting your own place and not telling him. My ex knew where my first rental house was but I don't think he knows where this house is. I feel so much safer now. You don't need to get an order of protection if you feel safe. I didn't get one either. It woulda pissed him off big time and wasn't necessary. He came to my work and I told family members to tell him the company was going to file an order of protection if he came back and he never did. The threat scared him I guess. 

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Amicab, are you an Aussie?  I suspect from your comment about the childcare rebate and child support that you might be.

In that case, yes you may need to at least apply for a child support assessment via the Child Support Agency for changes to other government payments like the child care rebate to kick in.

if you apply for the child support assessment, you don't have to chose agency collection (though I would say to use it and let them deal with getting money from the ex). If your ex is on Centrelink payments, his child support payment will only be minimal, but you may get more Family Tax Benefit A and B payments.  This can all help financially.  You can be eligible for at least partial payments on even quite high incomes.  I was quite surprised at how much my child support and government assistance is, even though I have a decent job.  They make my life easier and made moving out with 2 teens possible. Have a look at the Child Support Agency and Centrelink websites for more.

(If you aren't an Australian, sorry for highjacking your thread with the Aussie info.)

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