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clurichaun

What I wouldn't give...

14 posts in this topic

...just to have someone not emotionally invested tell him everything I need to say and give him an ultimatum to get out of my house. I dreamt that his son was leading me around on a leash while I carried all his things for him because even his son is verbally abusive. I broke up with him last year and he still won't leave. And it's partially my fault for not standing up to him. Depression makes it so hard to do anything. I keep doing things for him but everything else I fail at finishing and feel depressed and tired and useless. I need to clean and organize things so that moving doesn't seem so scary but even with new efforts to fight my depression I still feel weighed down. I'm going to see my family without him and he's angry. He ignored me almost entirely last night. Instead of confronting him I decided I didn't care. I just want to be alone. I want to work on my hobbies and find my friends again. I want to not live in fear and anxiety. I want to not be terrified of his questions and his interpretations of my answers. I want to be able to relax in bed at night unafraid of unwanted advances. I want to clean everything to get rid of his smell. I want to be me again.

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I hear ya.

Did I get this right? You are broken up? Right now you are broken up as a couple but cohabitating? Leaving is hard! I get it! But if you are broken up you do not need to be doing things for him nor should he be concerned where you go and who you spend your time with. You described my marriage completely! I know EXACTLY how you feel and how frustrated you must be. 

But it's quite the snafu because it's this adverse living condition that is triggering your depression. You KNOW what you need to do. You say so right here. Pray for strength to do it. That's what I did. And one day I snapped and left and I looked back and thought "what just happened?" I got the STRENGTH I needed! I had tried to PLAN to leave 2 other times and it didn't work out. You know why. And one day I snapped and it just kinda happened. And once I was out I didn't dare go back. It was like a gift and I didn't want to return it. 

Thus began the scary phase of leaving. I liken it to jumping off a cliff with a parachute. You KNOW the parachute is going to open and you will not die. You will survive this. BUT you have to freefall for a while before the chute opens. And after the freefall (scary) when that chute opens...OMG, there comes your peace, time for friends, time for hobbies, and you get to be you. You get to float gently and take in the sights and it is very exciting. 

You can do this. We are here for you! 

 

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Thanks blueskye! I know I can do it. It was hard to tell him it was over, I keep feeling stronger every time I stick to my guns when he asks me about working things out. I wish I could afford to up and move and I keep failing when it comes to forcing him out. I know I will get to that point, right now I just feel crazy and embarrassed in front of people who know kinda what I'm dealing with but who MUST be sick of hearing about it. Thank god for all of you and the understanding of how it's so much harder than it seems from outside.

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Clurichaun.............friends will let you repeat your story over and over again, gaining strength to make the next step possible.  I talked to my cats, too............they heard all about how unhappy and scared I was and I cried into their fur and cuddled them.  I would go for walks and cry and plan and pray about the next step and the strength I needed to do it.

My "sanity" was my full-time job, lots of support from co-workers who had heard my story for the last 15+ years and were willing to support any decision I made to be happy and sane.  My church family was a big help because they, too, had seen and heard his ugliness............they prayed for me when there was nothing else they could do.

Anger finally got me to break the cycle.  When he started hoarding parakeets and letting them fly around the living room and so many of them that the noise was deafening, I said out loud............"I am NOT going to live like this!"  He ignored me.  A year later we were packing up the birds and taking them to the animal shelter........him cursing at me the whole time.  He left a month later to meet his new "love" for the first time and 2 weeks later our divorce was final.  I have lived on my own for over a year now..........I have more money saved than when I was married............I don't deny myself treats and pleasures...........I give generously to my church and others...........I have mended relationships with my family and apologized to my children for buying into his constant criticism of them..........I am at peace and it's truly a wonderful life.

Clurichaun.................time is passing, so don't miss out on what can be some of the best years of your life.  Keep planning and gaining strength anywhere you can...........and make the leap!

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You broke up with him, but to him everything is still as it was. He isn't behaving like a person who has been broken-up-with. He is going to keep up the status quo forever. It works just fine for him. He has no reason to change it.

So waiting for him to decide to change the situation is the same as staying together with him.

 

You don't have to tell him any thoughts or reasons (although it would be fun to air them, it would all be futile anyway, sadly). You can just tell him to get out. You have broken up with him and you want him to leave. He has until X date to get out.

Then take whatever measures you need to in order to get him out. He has no right to be there. He is imposing on you.

As for his anger if you do something he doesn't like? It is irrelevant. Try to live your life as if he is not there. He is not a companion or your friend. You broke up with him. 

You don't need to make a big stand. You can do what you need to do. Go about your business. Treat him as if he is not a companion. Make it uncomfortable for him. He thinks he still "has" you. 

 

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I'm getting better about being less accommodating but it's hard. It's so ingrained in me. I feel guilty like I'm leaving him in a lurch I know it's not my responsibility and sometimes I get so mad but then I get scared and I shut up and I act nice. Or I'm to tired or sad to deal with the anxiety his moods cause so I just work on projects and keep my head down and maintain pleasant conversations. At least I'll have a few days away with family but I know he'll call and text the whole time and find ways to accuse me of hooking up like he did over Christmas.

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Don't answer his calls and ignore or block his texts. He has no right to do that. 

Really it's time to draw a firm line between you and him.

Boundaries boundaries boundaries. I love the book, "Boundaries, Where You End and I Begin" by Anne Katherine. 

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Oh and if he accuses you? There's no law that you have to listen or bear with him spewing. Walk away, hang up, whatever it takes.

Anyway it's no business of his what you do, since you are broken up.

 

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17 hours ago, blueskye said:

I liken it to jumping off a cliff with a parachute. You KNOW the parachute is going to open and you will not die. You will survive this. BUT you have to freefall for a while before the chute opens.

To me it felt like jumping off a cliff without a parachute without knowing what was at the bottom. There was a bull running at me at the top so I really had no choice but to hope that the bottom of the cliff would be better. Picking up the pieces at that bottom has been a challenge, but probably better than dealing with the bull. The landing was softer than it could have been.

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18 hours ago, Quaddie said:

He thinks he still "has" you. 

Boundaries boundaries boundaries

This is IT in a nutshell. 

I am taking a Boundaries class in my community and it's very good. If you are broken up, you don't have to answer his calls or texts. Heck, you can DATE! I know that living under the same roof makes that hard but you officially CAN. Stop feeling sorry for him and his predicament. He made his bed, now he has to lie in it! He brought it all on himself. My mom (who I learned my codependent ways from) feels sorry for my ex and his sadness. She sends him gifts and cards at the holidays. He used lies in a smear campaign to divide my family and friends against me and was quite successful at it!!! And SHE feels sorry for HIM! The DUDE had it coming! Your dude has it coming too. 

Here's what I did. Go to YouTube and listen to "Thrive After Abuse", Trent Shelton, Inner Integration, Assc Direct, and "Kris Godinez of What's Wrong with Kris & Steve" and they will help you get the confidence to stand up to him and instill boundaries. These guys are basically repeating what my therapist (and all those books) told me to do. I need this constant "coaching" in my ear and I listen to these as I get ready in the morning or when I'm trying to fall asleep at night. The books are good too but if you're busy like me, I don't have time to sit and read and I can listen to these guys on my phone while I putter around the house. 

Good luck! I was JUST like you a year ago. I'm a tiny female who had to stand firm and instill boundaries to my huge husband. If I can do it, you can too! I'm rooting for ya! 

 

 

 

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3 hours ago, Bennu said:

To me it felt like jumping off a cliff without a parachute without knowing what was at the bottom. There was a bull running at me at the top so I really had no choice but to hope that the bottom of the cliff would be better. Picking up the pieces at that bottom has been a challenge, but probably better than dealing with the bull. The landing was softer than it could have been.

For sure it was scary. It was the scariest thing I've ever done in my life. My therapists said she's been doing it for 30 years and she's convinced divorce is harder to cope with than death of a spouse. I actually met a woman who has been both divorced and widowed. In fact, the death was by suicide. Even SHE said divorce was harder. Add a narcissist and it gets very crazy and scary. But you know what, Bennu, we're survivors! We're tough as nails now! My close friends love the change in me! They like the new resilient me. I like the new me now too. This time last year I was at my lowest. I was a puddle in the floor. In some ways it seems so long ago. 

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I know I can get there too. I feel like a puddle just laying there getting stepped in. I have support but I avoid reaching out because I still feel like he's checking up on me including seeing when I'm on facebook. It's so stupid. It's uncomfortable and he thinks I should be so thrilled with all his niceness I should take him back. I've been nice too but I've maintained my position. I haven't been leading him on and I'm tired of doing things his way. I know he's scared but he hangs on to my guilt and fear. I need to stop feeling guilty and afraid. It's so hard!

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This is the thing my friends bust my chops for. I also worry about him checking up on me. He stalked me for a while and it freaked me out!!! I have gone WAAAYY to far in the other direction. I went no contact. I blocked him on social media. I blocked all his friends and relatives. I even had to block MY relatives who are his flying monkeys (in his hip pocket). I look over my shoulder. I call the cops on people sitting on my street in their car. I got an app to look at people who call from blocked phone numbers. I post nothing personal about myself or my child or things we do. If he gets ONE SHRED of news about me he makes up a smear campaign with it. So I have to give him nothing! I don't allow my friends to post pics of me with them and then they fuss at me and tell me to get over it! Everyone says...don't worry about him! But the damage he did was so bad. I lost my CHILD for a while but now we are doing better. I figure it's possible he could do that again if given enough ammo. They don't know what he's capable of.
 

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I'm so sorry you still have to live like that. I hope things can get better for you!

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