• Announcements

    • Curly

      Replying to PMs

      Please note that you can not reply to a personal message by replying to the notification email. Recently admins have received some email responses to personal messages. This is because some members have replied to the notification email. You can not reply to a personal message via the email. What replying to the notification email does is send a copy of the original message and the reply to the admin email address. It does not send your reply to the person who sent you the message. The email notification of the personal message does request "PLEASE DO NOT REPLY DIRECTLY TO THIS EMAIL!"
    • Curly

      New Members and validating your account.

      New members registering please do not hesitate to contact our admin if you do not see a validation email within a few minutes of registering. Yahoo and some other email addresses tend to block the validation email and without this part of the process your account remains in limbo. Our admins are more than happy to help you complete the validation process should this automated system fail. We can be contacted via admin.our.place@gmail.com Please note that you may experience a delay between registering your account and validating before you are able to post as we do also manually process all registrations to keep this forum free of spam. Your account should be activated within 24 hours of you completing the validation process. Thank you.
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
6245

Few questions about comments

10 posts in this topic

Went on a few more dates with a guy that I mentioned before.  He works, in part, with DV survivors.  He has made a few comments that have made me wonder if they are red flags. 

Please let me know what you think of these, or if I am overreacting.

 

He said, once, that one of the things that attracted him to me was that I had done all I could to save my marriage before leaving it.  He also said he thought it was attractive that I left my marriage and was strong enough to leave.  I found that an odd thing to say.

 

Second, he made some comment about how people who stay in these situations are probably 'getting what's coming to them.'  I thought this might be a major red flag. 

 

Thoughts?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, 6245 said:

He said, once, that one of the things that attracted him to me was that I had done all I could to save my marriage before leaving it. 

YES. That's definitely odd and I would definitely see it as a red flag. I feel like this is "grooming" you with positive reinforcement he could use in the future to keep you forever "trying" (and would guilt you into "not giving up") when future issues arise with him.

He also said he thought it was attractive that I left my marriage and was strong enough to leave.  I found that an odd thing to say. 

Yes, I find that odd, too. Weird and irrelevant. In my opinion, guys who talk about admiring "strong women" actually kind of want the challenge of controlling them. It's a backwards kind of thing. Either way, it also strikes me as just plain weird, but being "attractive"? Nah. Yeah. That's weird.

Second, he made some comment about how people who stay in these situations are probably 'getting what's coming to them.'  I thought this might be a major red flag.

This is a huge, huge red flag. Talk about lack of empathy! And working with DV survivors, no less!!!!!  This is a huge red flag waving with fireworks coming off of it.

 

Personally, this is someone I would end it with, and without explanation or "discussion." "We're not compatible. I'm sorry. Have a good life." Something like that.

FWIW, once I ended it after just a few dates with a guy who I suddenly realized was very controlling. I ended it via instant messaging (lol, but that's how we were primarily communicating). His response was, "But we haven't even slept together yet!!!"  As if I had no right to end it until that had happened! It was weird and funny.

But be prepared that, if you do end it, he may barrage you with questions and insistence that you explain or that you owe it to him. Or he may want to be "understanding" and try to get the truth out of you that way. (Don't give it to him!! It will only backfire!!!) Or that he will insult you and tell you that you are "just like the rest" and "he thought you were different." (<-- which is a hoover attempt to try to get you to deny that you're like that and get back with him)

I agree that his comments are red flags and it would be my inclination, if it were me, knowing what I know now, to nip this thing in the bud.

I'm sorry :-(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

6245

15 hours ago, 6245 said:

Second, he made some comment about how people who stay in these situations are probably 'getting what's coming to them.'  I thought this might be a major red flag. 

Yes, this is a MAJOR red flag. Wow, even after working with DV survivors, he is not even sympathetic! I would end it with him immediately.

 

15 hours ago, 6245 said:

He said, once, that one of the things that attracted him to me was that I had done all I could to save my marriage before leaving it.  He also said he thought it was attractive that I left my marriage and was strong enough to leave.  I found that an odd thing to

Oh yes, I bet he does, even after your husband was abusive to you. I'm sure an abuser would value that.

You being attractive because you left could be a lie or it could be that he is looking for a victim and he thinks you would make a good challenge. Run...Run...Run....

Also, I think Quaddie has some really good advise about not letting him hoover you.

Edited by hoping
Read what Quaddie put on her post.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with all of the above. I think he will portray himself as different from your ex as a way to lure you in. Be super careful! That last line in particular shows a huge lack of understanding!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks ladies for the responses.  It's not a serious relationship.  I am taking my time this time around and making sure to date a few different guys and take it SLOWLY to make sure I really know someone.  We've only been out about four times.  I am going to ask him in greater depth about these things to make sure I understood him correctly but I do think the way I understood it these are what he was saying.  It's not the first time I have seen this red flag about a lack of respect for women who don't leave.  He's also super-religious (I am also religious) but I think he may be one of those men who might turn out to be legalistic-religious if that makes any sense.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I would be wary about asking him about this stuff. It tips him off to your awareness and gives him the opportunity to counter and manipulate you about it.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That's a good point quaddie. I am headed to read me some Bancroft now.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

6245

I agree with Quaddie about being wary of tipping him off to your awareness to his red flags.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

One thing my ex did was portray himself as being different from other people I'd went out with.

Turns out not much difference.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That's true. Each abuser may have a bit of a different type or strategy. I went from one type in ex-h to another type in a bf. The bf gave me a lot of "good" things, too - which made it more difficult to separate from - but he was appalled by the way my ex-h treated me. While being abusive (albeit of a different genre) himself.

6245, this guy gives me the willies. I sense trouble. :-\

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0