• Announcements

    • Curly

      Replying to PMs

      Please note that you can not reply to a personal message by replying to the notification email. Recently admins have received some email responses to personal messages. This is because some members have replied to the notification email. You can not reply to a personal message via the email. What replying to the notification email does is send a copy of the original message and the reply to the admin email address. It does not send your reply to the person who sent you the message. The email notification of the personal message does request "PLEASE DO NOT REPLY DIRECTLY TO THIS EMAIL!"
    • Curly

      New Members and validating your account.

      New members registering please do not hesitate to contact our admin if you do not see a validation email within a few minutes of registering. Yahoo and some other email addresses tend to block the validation email and without this part of the process your account remains in limbo. Our admins are more than happy to help you complete the validation process should this automated system fail. We can be contacted via admin.our.place@gmail.com Please note that you may experience a delay between registering your account and validating before you are able to post as we do also manually process all registrations to keep this forum free of spam. Your account should be activated within 24 hours of you completing the validation process. Thank you.
curiouser

new here need advice please so draining

9 posts in this topic

Hello, I've been with my h for about 29 years 10 years married there have been good times but there have also been bad he has anger issues and I believe he's been emotionally and verbally abusive and taken me for granted which he blames work and him paying all the bills, I'm a stay at home mom and have done my best  a wife and mother for years I never thought I would leave but the last argument we had over me going over credit card balance for time number "3" as he keeps track reacting with anger cussing made me say f this and I'm leaving I've had enough. We have 2 kids ages 5 and 7 we are staying with my parents he has them on weekends he's getting help and going to church and is impatient with me wants me to work on our marriage and go back, I however need this space I feel I have to work on myself and don't plan to go back soon or maybe ever I still have love but not in love an i do think about my kids, I  had my families support up until recently my mother telling me maybe I should go back she sees him trying and I'm not, now he's trying and I'm supposed to just forget everything and make it work? I feel alone sometimes with my decision I'm sure you can relate I don't have many friends I need to know I'm making the correct choices I want whats best for my kids an I'm still trying to heal on my own time, my nightmare is everyone sees him trying now and wonders what is wrong with me I just remember when I needed my husband and he wasnt there or cussing me when i was starting to labor with my son or not helping me with kids after work or making me feel like i wasnt worth his hard work and if looks could kill id be dead by now idk if he really changed but so stressful. .

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

curiouser

By what you said he does sound abusive. Don't let them guilt you to work on the marriage. If he is an abuser, then he doesn't have a very good chance of changing. In one of the books I read, I think it was only one percent. Have you read the book, "Why Does He Do That?" If, not this is a good book to read.  My advice is stay apart and take your time to educate yourself about abuse. Welcome to our site. There is so much that I could say, but I think if you read the above book, it will tell you a lot. You sound like a insightful and caring person, and I admire your strength and courage to do what you feel is best for you and your children.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Curiouser................check out the website "Crying out for justice", also.  Abusers (and I agree that your H is being abusive) will use church and church members to "urge" you to go back to him and that he's changed.  

There is no denying that you have a hard road right now, with everyone looking at him and wondering why his efforts aren't enough to "please" you.  Don't fall for that!!  You know what has been going on behind closed doors and you are now seeing how he us going to use people (even family) to coerce you into walking right back into the fire.  Seek help for yourself............good counselors who understand abuse.  Do NOT counsel together with him......no matter what you are urged to do by others (you'll understand why after visiting and reading the articles on the website I mentioned above).  

Find comfort in good friends who will stand by you and stand up for you to stay safe, sane and have time to heal.

You can do this!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Curiouser!  Welcome to Our place.  I'm so sorry you found us but so glad you did!!

This is a great group that is full of tons of knowledge and advice.  I echo giving yourself time to educate yourself on abuse.  Don't let anyone talk you into going back if you are not ready.  Lots of members here have found that the abuse is worse when they return (if your H is abusive, which it sounds like he is).  

Read lots and posts lots!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am sorry that you aren't getting support from your family. Since that is the case, don't discuss with them. They will make it harder for you to sort out for yourself what you should do. While you are figuring it out, don't tell people that you are leaving. You can say that you need some time to think and then do that. Let your family know that it's temporary. They may be looking out for themselves and not wanting an extra family in their house for long. It's not always best for the kids to stay together. I did that and my kids are really messed up. Kids develop serious anxiety issues living in an abusive household. I'm sorry for what you are going through. I recommend Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?" too. It opened my eyes. Also youtube: "The Spartan Lifecoach". 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A LOT of them will try to prove they're all better and show they're trying, even if just to make you feel guilty or to make themselves look better to others by comparison. As soon as they get the power back the abuse returns and it's a painful cycle. It's hard to stay and hard to get out but we're here to support you no matter what!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you all so much this means everything to have support even if you don't know me and it's so great to find people who truly understand, It is very difficult because I still have love for him but not really in love, and we have 2 small children which he now say's that I'm ruining their lives because I choose to be seperated because I left them but yet say's he knows what he did and understands ugh my family does support me thank goodness they get stressed about it too but just want whats best for me and the kids it did hurt when my mother said maybe I should go back but she has supported my decision more right now, I will look into the information you all gave me thank you, I still have resentments and now my H say's we switched roles and I'm the one who's abusive, I want what's best for my children too I hate that I think to maybe go back but I feel good staying, I feel rushed to heal,  it's so difficult I just don't want my children taken from me either omg I'm so glad I found you guys💕

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You have people who are here for you. We're glad you found us too, but sorry that you had to.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

And your H saying you switched roles is very common. It's crazy-making and they make us doubt ourselves. You are not the abusive one and him using that tactic is proof that he still is. You're gonna be ok. Remember you are strong and wonderful and deserve to be treated well. *hugs*

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now