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hoping

Feeling Crazy

3 posts in this topic

I started blocking out what my husband would say if I thought it was going to bother me too much. It would be something I thought was going to be abusive. After joining this site and reading books I have been telling myself to quit doing that and listen to him. I still remind myself, because there are times I find myself doing it again. It was pretty obvious in some of his words and actions that he was being abusive but now that I know more and am listening to him more, I am hearing things that are hard to believe that he is saying, I even question myself, did he say that or did I misunderstand him? When I know or try to trust I heard him right, I feel afraid. Why? because he is saying things that are so different from what I believe and it scares me to see a person I lived with for so long that seems like a different person than I thought he was. I don't think or talk like him so I'm not sure if he is a lot of talk and doesn't take things serious or if he might be more abusive than I thought. I tend to think of the worst scenario's sometimes, so maybe that is all it is. He seems to be more hardened and not as soft hearted as me and maybe that is part of it. I know that some of his hardness could be from being a male and how most are brought up. Well, anyway, when I think he is acting crazy, I have started feeling crazy. It use to really bother me a lot more and I would feel like things were unreal, similar to when I would be in an accident or when someone I cared a lot about would die. Now, I know I am not crazy, it's just my reaction to him. It's not just him saying things that made me wonder if he is crazy that has made me feel crazy, but also the fear, disbelief, and shock of what he said.

 

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Hoping............just curious.............what do other family/friends say about his behavior in general and towards you specifically...........what do they see/hear??

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When I left my now ex, my eyes were opened to his shenanigans. I had been SO blind! Blinded by love and, well, the love switch got turned off due to his horrible treatment of me and it allowed me to see him for who he really was. Next thing I knew he was being financially greedy (HUGE sums of money) toward other family members. I thought WHO IS this man? It was like he became a different person to me. And I was so glad I wasn't "with him" while he made an a$$ of himself over that money. It was an embarrassing display. 

Family and friends may not see the same "him" that you see. Narcissists, especially covert narcissists like mine, are master chameleons. What you see and experience is all that matters. I took a LOT of grief (to this day) from well meaning people (even family members!) who did not see what was really going on in our home. I had to stand firm in my truth. The more time we have been apart, the less confused I have become. When you're IN the relationship, confusion is at an all time high! What you describe is totally normal. They keep things topsy-turvy and your mind spinning in different directions. And the walking on eggshells, which is what you are basically describing at the beginning. It's a big hot mess. And what I learned is that victims of emotional abuse, one of the symptoms is the inability to make decisions, even small decisions. When I read that it was an ah-ha moment! That was my biggest issue. I could NOT make a decision! I was too broken to take on hard decisions! But when I read that my indecision was a SYMPTOM of my abuse, I embraced it to empower me! I AM abused and here is the proof! More proof! 

The best thing I ever did was journal and write it all down. And then read your journal. Over and over. It helps clear the air. It helps with the confusion. Did that really happen like that? I had abuse amnesia! I had forgotten how upset past events had made me! That event was REAL and it was BAD, and it upset me greatly! They try to sweep that under the rug and we go along with it. Back to normal now! It's all good! ...No! Don't sweep that under the rug! The journal will help with that. 

I'm not telling you to leave him I'm just telling you my story. You have to do what's best for you and I respect that. But let me say, there can be peace again. 

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