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BlurryFace

How do I Move On?

5 posts in this topic

So the teacher that I have been going against in court actually agreed to the plea bargain that me and the other several girls agreed upon. It involves jail time in which he had been trying to avoid this entire trial...6 years to be exact and the other day he just agreed to it. After a year and four months he just..agrees. No court, no need to testify, nothing. My reaction to this was unexpected, I should be happy and relieved but instead there is this dullness. I did not want to have to testify and while i'm glad that I don't part of me wanted that closure, to look at him and everyone and tell the whole truth that everyone had been denying for so long. None of that is possible now, and not only that but this case has become my reason to live as it seems.

Now that it is all coming to a close I am really not sure if going on is necessary. I don't trust anymore, I broke all my close relationships, I have the impulsive nature of a kid, and now i'm tired. I did find out that several months from now I can write a letter and read it to this teacher, I might just do that. It won't be the closure I expected but i'm hoping it might solve this feeling. I'm only eighteen, I realize I have a lot of life ahead of me but still, this case and this incident and him...it seems to be all I can think about even more than a year later and I fear that it will be this way for my whole life. It seems to me like everyone around me that cared so much a year ago has just forgotten what happened, its like i'm expected to be ok since everything has "worked out". 

I'm not sure what I expected this entire case, I'm not sure if I will regret the things I didn't say so many years from now -if I make it that far. I have a counselor and we work a lot on this, we work on the trauma and everything but everyday I get up it seems like the world just gets more dull. Perhaps this is what this teacher, my used to be best friend, wanted. Sometimes I still can't believe it all happened, I still cry when I watch the news reports and newspaper articles. Its not fair, I'm trapped in something that happened a year ago and everyone else seems to have just forgotten, they cannot understand why I haven't moved on. I don't think I can, maybe I "recovered" wrong. At least he is going to jail...I feel like I've done my part to the best extent I can, I am the "victim" that has undoubtedly been the most concerned about this case. I have gone through so much already just because of this case, and two suicide attempts, four send offs and countless acts of self injury later...I do not think I want to move on. This man will go to jail now, the other victims will live on and I can finally rest easy about all these people that I have been trying so hard to protect. 

There is no amount of words to explain the rage and paranoia I feel nowadays, I wanted to be a counselor, so I could help people just like me and probably worse. That had been my goal before all this, me and whoever that girl was are completely different now. I am not who everybody wants or remembers, I feel like I have given my soul away just to trade it in for a will to live just a little longer so I could see this case through. I keep thinking, even now, "what would this teacher think?"  I doubt he even cares what happens to me, I am the one who reported him afterall. I realize that life can change and that me assuming that this will all stay the same is ridiculous but even if I have that logic in the back of my mind it doesn't matter. I do not know how to move on from this case, and if I cant move on and form relationships, build trust again and just like myself once more then I do not want to move on at all. 

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I'm sorry. Give yourself time.

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I am so glad you wrote. You have been on my mind! The girl who likes 21 Pilots! You have been through a LOT! But I can tell you are strong. Don't give up! Don't let him defeat you! The best revenge is a good life.

I realize the trial did not go the way you planned. But it's very possible that a big long trail could have taken place, you would have had to gotten up and face him and tell your story, and be cross-examined which could have been very painful, and the end result be the same, a six year sentence. I'm GLAD he's going to jail! Be glad you didn't have to go though the pain of a trial. So it ended without fanfare. I realize that's a shock but at least he is being punished. The end result is justice. Which is what you wanted. 

I think you have very major depression and need medication at least for a while. You describing the world as dull is a red flag and you mentioned suicide about a dozen times. This is VERY serious! Does your counselor know of your suicidal thoughts? You need to discuss this with your medical doctor and see about getting medicine. Considering what you have been through, I would say this normal even. Many people need medication the cope with the loss of a loved one. This is similar to that. 

Try to get out do things. This time last year I also had no one. I was a crying, lonely mess. But now I have a roommate, a dog, and a few new friends. Find an old friend on FB or social media and reach out to them. You would be surprised. All you need is one good friend. You don't need a whole bunch of them. 

So this chapter is ending. Turn the page. Start a new chapter. Hang in there! You are needed in this world. Don't leave yet! 

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Blurry...............I hear the bittersweet thoughts in your post and your struggle to get back to "you" and that feeling of normal or peace or hope.  

But consider what the plea bargain means..........he admitted he did it..............he will never be able to go back and try to wiggle out of the crime he committed.............his career is over..........he will never again be in a position to be around vulnerable young girls.  And you know how that happened?? YOU!!  You were brave and hurt and broken but you held on and fought the good fight and stood up to this abuser!!  

As Blueskye has mentioned, you are still dealing with some significant issues to please be completely honest with your counselor.  The first step to claim your life back is to face your issues and fight for the life you can make from this point on.  You have so much to look forward to...........take the step to your future!

Love and hugs.............you can do this!

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You have done well. You know what helps is an undefeated perspective. You have been through a lot. Take a piece of paper and write different correct strong perspective to hold. 
Keep it with you and answer people through this strong kind strength. 

Every time someone reports him even when he bails himself out it is recorded.

You are not is control of the way this things shapes itself. It is it's own moving tangible thing. What you are in control of is you and If you accept you're in control then no way would you accept an adult seeking nude pictures of your daughter. 

People try to get nude pictures to guilt vulnerable teens into actions they DO NOT want to do. 

If it was your child would you care about how popular he was and how many people liked him?

I am grateful for people that care about me and my mental well being. 

I am glad that if it ever happens again I did my part to bring his actions to light. If it does not happen again it will be because he learned people have had enough. That too is a positive response from me bring things into the light. 

I wish more women felt they could open up about things that have Inappropriately occurred to them and just get help? Do you feel like you let people open up and heal or do you form judgments? (Sorry, that was not a question you know who you are) kind, gentle, strength! 

You never have to worry about what someone thinks. You are in another category. Parents teach teens to think of others to try and get them to be courteous and considerate. You will still possess these qualities. Now that someone has overstepped your boundaries you have a socially wider role to play. "You see these things never take your voice these things give you one". I firmly believe this and you can quote that comment. You have been given a deeper understanding of life that the average teen will not possess. All and all it might make you a parent that has deeper talks with your child and listens to them. By no means will you not let your own children not live life because someone hurt you. So know how amazing you are. You have a very deep and immense ability to love and be healed. If others do not grasp it because they only need to get up and smile for the camera. Say please and thank you. You have a deeper understanding of this world and they will figure it out. It just might take life. :-) 

Wishing you victory on your trial. Just know that no matter what even if you are disappointed at some of the outcome. You did do the right thing! You can hold it in your heart. The fact that everyone is forgetting things is a good sign. You are learning something important. Your observations are putting it together. If you knew how little people think about you, would never fear what they think again. People are thinking of themselves. People are very self-centered!!! You have a lot more room to finagle and move around than you believe. You even have room to make a few mistakes. Perspective is not locked in... It changes... Facts, responses, outcomes, truths, character and even people have to acknowledge that they themselves are responsible for their reactions and own human nature. This too can change any outcome. Please understand that things might feel like they are this way but that is how it feels at the time. You might not see all of the elements that are in your favor. You will, however, feel strongly when you come across something that feels like it is not in your arena. Feelings at barometers use my above list even make your own. You talk to people through your strong personal insight. They will learn that you're smart. You will find others are kind of quite. The reason is they just want to have some fun smile in pictures and laugh at good things. People build in these areas. 

It's not your fault and as you move forward, You will see you have people to talk with. Just go slow finding those individuals. It's worth waiting a year for a good friend rather than healing from the aftermath of trying to relate to a shallow person you would like as your friend. Good friends take time and I will tell you a secret. Lots of adults get so busy in their jobs they will lose touch with many after high school. Just do your phases well. In twenty years you can have pictures of your kids. The places you have gone. Your interest and talents. Please explore picking up talents. You said you were in the band. You know to go after it and try out for performances. It will be like the biggest middle finger to that idiot teacher. He has made his career hard and killed working with children in a big way. The advantage to having a voice is good. When you work with children your integrity will hold faithful and be real and solid. You see the way it works is you can work with kids. It is a privilege. Unless you abuse your priveledges and that gets yanked from you. You will function in a way that idol reports can't hurt you nor tamper with your life anymore. The time will pass all it will be is a bad thing. This has no hold on your life and it will not have the same weight you might feel it has today. It dissolves in time like an Alka-Seltzer in a glass. The world absorbs it. 

Sending you sunshine! 

 

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