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hoping

What is he going to expect?

5 posts in this topic

Between taking money out of his IRA to help our daughter to buy a home and my husband making more this year, we had to pay in more on income tax. We put the income tax on a credit card, which he told me he wants to get paid off soon. I understand how he feels, but I don't like it when he gets so strict with the money. He gives me a certain amount a week, which is a fair amount, and he also pays for the groceries that we eat at home. He was giving me a little extra, but for now that will stop. He has acted like this before when we would spend money and he didn't think we had a lot, then after we did, he would say, " We are going to have to quit spending money now." He wouldn't warn me that if we do this then I will tighten the reins on the money. This is similar to what he did after we paid the taxes. He said we are not saving anything and only spending money. He told me last night that he wants my help also to get the credit card paid soon. I was afraid to ask what that meant, so I just said ok. I am hoping he doesn't mean that he wants to take some of the money away he gives me every week. I am also, concerned that he will start asking what I am going to buy at the grocery store and how much that will cost, and then tell me if we need this or that or if we can afford it, or remind me that we don't have a lot of money. I spent 15.oo at the store the other night and he did give that back to me, but I don't know if he will keep doing it. I would have to ask him or do it and hope he will. I have mixed emotions about him controlling the money so tightly. I know I need to learn to be more conservative, especially if I am going to live by myself, but I don't like having to get approval through him. Do you think this is abusive or just normal for a married couple that has a different outlook on spending money? Also, I think if he wasn't abusive, I wouldn't feel so uncomfortable talking to him about money.

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It's abusive. You're not his child, you're his partner. It's the whole control thing, he's the king and you are only there to serve him, how dare you think/act for yourself when he feels he needs to take over.

I hope that makes sense. If he wasn't abusive he would never behave this way about money in the first place. You'd be able to come up with some sort of budget together, and there would be autonomy within the mutual system. If he wasn't abusive this would never be a problem in the first place. Of course you feel uncomfortable talking to him about money. It makes perfect sense. Do you know how he's going to react? He abusive. It's not possible to even have a conversation with abusive people. Your input doesn't really count, in fact, it's an obstruction. 

His behavior is NOT normal.

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What Vickeee said.  He is being controlling.  It's not supposed to be like you're afraid to talk about finances or "he's the boss" and you just go along. It should be discussed and agreed as partners. 

Also,  since part of this is apparently a penalty from ah IRA withdrawal to assist your daughter,  is there any way your daughter can assist in paying that? It would be okay to expect her to help even if she has to restrict expenditures as well.

 

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vickeee

Yes, it does make sense. Thank you for replying and letting me know what you perceived.

 

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Quaddie

Yes, it should be discussed and agreed as partners. At this time my daughter and her husband are working a lot and have a lot of bills. We have more in the IRA that we can use until he makes more money. He doesn't want to do that and gets so upset about it. I don't think it is going to be that big of a problem for him to get more work, he is self employed. I still hate it that he acts like that. Thank you again

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