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hoping

It's Not Funny

25 posts in this topic

He has been trying real hard to treat me good. I think I can see him stop before he says something criticizing. He is being nice when he explains how he feels. He still is joking a lot about different things, I have told him that it bothers me, it just gets on my nerves, he tries to make too many things funny. I'm not the only one that gets tired of it, so does my granddaughter. I also think he likes to say things to SHOCK me and to get my attention. Last time it was about our sick dog, this time it was about our cat. Our cat likes to hide in the pile of small limbs that have fallen off of a tree that my husband stacked up. My husband said he was going to burn the limbs the next day, I told him jokingly that our cat wouldn't like that because he liked to hide in them. He said that he would just burn it with the cat in it. I told him he didn't mean that. I know he would never do something like that, but it makes me angry for him to say things like that. I don't think it is funny. Thank goodness our granddaughter didn't hear him say that. I don't even know how he can say something like that.

The other day he ask our granddaughter if her mom helped her dad with the yard work. She said yes. He then ask her why I don't. She thought and then told him a good reason for her age. I don't know if he was trying to see what she would say, because she says cute stuff or he was trying to make a jab at me by asking her in front of me. My friend said she thought he was trying to get her on his side.

I know he has been abusive and is an abuser, so why is it so difficult for me to remember the bad times? One thing I have noticed about myself is that after he started treating me better, It seems easier for me to do the dishes and some of the other chores. So, I know he must have been affecting me more than I realize.

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They main reason most people do not leave is because they are holding out for a bigger picture. They do not want to support themselves. They do not want to break up the photo album. They are in denial as to how it affects them? His humour is off and he likes to overstep the grey lines. What does he do other than verbal? His humour actually like to throw you around and make you look insensitive and it is him. Would he really set the cat to blazes? This is what you have to determine. Whats real and whats not? How long does he keep you out of the touch of society to be a funny boy? Sounds like everyone stopped laughing years ago? 

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MorningGlory

Thank you for replying. Yes, he seems to care more about being funny than our feelings. He works in the entertainment business. He has been so driven to get rich and famous or one or the other that he puts himself first. He was entertaining a lot until I ask him to quit traveling and preforming because it was too difficult for me. I was having panic attacks and having a terrible time coping with him gone so much. He has blamed me for years and resented me for asking him to quit. He likes to make up new jokes and tells them to me to see how I like them. I don't ask him to do this, he just does it, and I think he also uses his jokes to communicate instead of being vulnerable and saying what he means. It's difficult for me to believe at times he is as big of a jerk that he has been. I followed him around off and on for years, until I decided I was tired of living his dream.  Maybe I am in denial. I wish I knew for sure. Yes, I worry about breaking up our family, but I'm not sure that would be a bad thing. I also worry about supporting myself and making the wrong decision. If I don't leave though I will never know how my life without him could turn out. Big decisions to make....

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My ex once said it was funny that one of my friend's houses burned down.  He said, and I quote, "Well you have to admit it's kinda funny." I think I just stared at him.

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6245

Wow, that's not funny even if you don't like the person. It amazes me what our husbands or exes will say.

 

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The shock factor is big for abusers, it seems. It's like a cat prodding its prey--I think it's meant to disarm and unsettle us. In my opinion, this type of "humor" (which is anything but) can feel like an underhanded threat. 

His comment toward your granddaughter was simply another tactic he used to attack you. When we start to call them out on their overt abuse, they use covert methods, such as using your granddaughter as a means through which he can attack you in a "joking" and more subtle way. It is still abuse, and it is not okay!

Are "not bad" times simply moments when he's not yelling, outright demeaning, or threatening you? If that's so, is it really "not bad"? I think when we're with our abusers for a long time, we tolerate the intolerable as if it were white noise in the background, and we look at any improvement in behavior as proof of change, even if it's simply a switch of tactics to more underhanded abuse (which is still SERIOUS abuse, and SERIOUSLY painful). I guess what I am saying, Hoping, is: you have good reason to feel bad, even if it's hard to remember the bad. He's still abusing you, so he doesn't deserve to be associated with any type of improvement. For him to create change, he'd have to rewire his brain and become and empathetic person who doesn't attack you or threaten you or wear you down emotionally. For him, this will be impossible because his brain programming is permanent, not changeable.

 

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whitebutterfly11

3 hours ago, whitebutterfly11 said:

The shock factor is big for abusers, it seems. It's like a cat prodding its prey--I think it's meant to disarm and unsettle us. In my opinion, this type of "humor" (which is anything but) can feel like an underhanded threat

Thank you for letting me know abusers use the shock method. I was also wondering about why he said that to my granddaughter, thank you for verifying that. Yes, that is why it didn't bother me so much and because I wasn't for sure if it was abuse. Thank you for validating that he is still abusing me. It is so easy sometimes for me to give him the benefit of the doubt and think maybe it's something else.

whitebutterfly said, " He's still abusing you, so he doesn't deserve to be associated with any type of improvement." I'm glad you said this because he hasn't been complaining as much when he gives me extra money and he also repaired the grill on the dishwasher and the refrigerator. I was feeling somewhat guilty about not giving him enough credit and still thinking about leaving.

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Hoping,

I can validate that he has NOT changed at all. Those repairs he's doing? They are meant to make you feel like you owe a debt, and to him that debt is you staying. His not complaining "as much" is still complaining, he just thinks that if he's a tad bit nicer, you'll fall for it and feel like you owe him your loyalty and presence. Abusers use these tactics to keep us in. If they were mean ALL the time, we'd not be able to tolerate life with them 24/7. Part of abuse IS the "nice" moments where he seems like he's showing a little bit of humanity. But it's not humanity--it's him putting you in debt to him, so that he can go back and say: "Hey Hoping, remember when I wasn't complaining as much to you about the extra money? Remember when I repaired the grill on the dishwasher and fridge? Now you owe me." It's really sick and twisted that a human being with a heart could treat another person with such disrespect.

As if his lame attempts at being "nice" could ever "buy" your loyalty, love, and time! Ugh.

So yes, he's still abusing. This is all part and parcel of the cycle of abuse. As soon as you fail to notice or respond to those "nice" things from him (which are really sorry attempts to keep you locked in), his "nice" facade will quickly wear off. 

Hoping, I wonder what it would feel like for you to be with someone who felt honored to be with you, and instead of demeaning and joking and wearing you down . . . treated you with respect, as if you were an equal, loving, worthy human being (because you ARE). 

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What WB said. 

Also, repairing things like that is just what normal people do. He doesn't deserve a gold star or extra consideration just because he did something he should do in the first place. 

 

A "thank you?" Yes. Undying gratitude as if this makes a person especially caring? Nope. He doesn't deserve it.

 

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whitebutterfly

Thank you for telling me he hasn't changed. It's so easy to think they have or at least some. Today he talked to me in an angry tone, then he said I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at myself. This would have been nice to know all of these years, but he still shouldn't talk to me in an angry tone when I didn't do anything. It is still painful, even when he is not angry at me because I feel like he is still taking it out on me.

On ‎4‎/‎11‎/‎2017 at 9:52 AM, whitebutterfly11 said:
On ‎4‎/‎11‎/‎2017 at 9:52 AM, whitebutterfly11 said:

Hoping, I wonder what it would feel like for you to be with someone who felt honored to be with you, and instead of demeaning and joking and wearing you down . . . treated you with respect, as if you were an equal, loving human being (because you ARE).

 

Thank you so much for asking this question and for saying that I am an equal, loving human being.

 

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Quaddie

You are right, he should repair things that bother me even when he doesn't think it's necessary. I guess I feel more gratitude because I'm not use to him doing some of these things without me pushing him to do them. Thank you for the right perspective.

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I've heard many times from Mr. BS that "I'm not angry at you, I'm angry at myself." 

It's a bunch of BS. :(

Because, they are essentially telling you that their abuse toward you is okay because they have all of this out-of-control anger inside toward themselves. They are saying: "Pity me! I'm a poor troubled soul who only abuses because I HAVE to, seeing as I hate myself so much."  But, when is it EVER okay to abuse another human being? You are not a punch bag--you are a human being with feelings. He has no right to EVER dump his anger on you. For any reason. Whether he is angry at himself or not.

He can choose NOT to abuse any time he wants. But he doesn't. My guess is that this is just a ploy to tug on your empathy so you'll feel sorry for him and accept the abuse. If he were truly angry with himself, he'd be disgusted at himself for abusing you. Which means, he would not abuse you anymore. Instead, he feels even more entitled to abuse you because he's supposedly angry at himself. Abuse isn't an uncontrollable reflex that shows up whenever he gets upset. If that were so, we'd all be abusive every day. It's a deliberate choice, and at any time, he (being an adult capable of controlling his emotions) could choose not to abuse anymore. But he's not. 

How dare he!

I wouldn't believe him for a second. Or feel any kind of compassion on his proclaimed self-anger. It's a bunch of BS. :(

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whitebutterfly

You are right, it's not fair to me that he treats me abusive regardless of what he says his reasons are.

11 hours ago, whitebutterfly11 said:

If he were truly angry with himself, he'd be disgusted at himself for abusing you

This makes sense, it should be bothering him more than it is. I think the reason he said this is because he knows I'm tired of his abuse and he is afraid I will leave.

I need to keep telling myself, he believes it's ok to be abusive to me.  Thanks again

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On 4/13/2017 at 5:50 AM, hoping said:

whitebutterfly

Thank you for telling me he hasn't changed. It's so easy to think they have or at least some. Today he talked to me in an angry tone, then he said I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at myself. This would have been nice to know all of these years, but he still shouldn't talk to me in an angry tone when I didn't do anything. It is still painful, even when he is not angry at me because I feel like he is still taking it out on me.

 

He is taking it out on you. Then, worst yet, he pretends he isn't.

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Bennu

I didn't think of it like that, but your right.

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I'm still stuck with mine. I broke up with him in September and he's still "looking for a place". But he's being super nice. And helpful. And biting back a lot of his angry words. It's kinda sickening to think how nice they can try to be when it's in their best interest to do so but never for our sake. And he still uses the guilt against me constantly. It's still awful. It's still an act. And they never change they just paint the roses red.

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clurichaun

On ‎4‎/‎27‎/‎2017 at 3:48 PM, clurichaun said:

I'm still stuck with mine. I broke up with him in September and he's still "looking for a place". But he's being super nice. And helpful. And biting back a lot of his angry words. It's kinda sickening to think how nice they can try to be when it's in their best interest to do so but never for our sake. And he still uses the guilt against me constantly. It's still awful. It's still an act. And they never change they just paint the roses red.

Yes, It sill surprises me how good he can act when he thinks I am going to leave and like you said for their best interest. Yes, too bad they don't think being nice is important enough anyway. I may have read it, but I don't remember, what kind of guilt does he use against you?

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Oh all kinds he always has. Guilt about his kids, guilt about his suffering and ptsd. Guilt about his financial situation because of child support. Guilt about family stuff. I've done a million things for him but those never matter.

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clurichaun

I'm sorry to here all the guilt he puts on you.

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My counselor said the port ploy is a red flag to watch for.  If someone does it a lot. That's an early warning sign.

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Port Ploy? What's that?

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6245

What is a port ploy? I haven't heard of that before.

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Yes, I understand what you're saying. Mine moved me around a lot. It was not good for me. I needed grounding and he refused to see what I needed true friends. You can't get those relocating every few years. They have to stay topical. I could not figure out why he did this for the longest time. I asked him once and he gave a creepy almost truthful answer. Because people believe what you tell them. So I think once the reality started to set in that he was faking it till he made it. He would need to move on. It was making me really sick. I asked him to size down for a few years and just let be together and not work so hard. He told me he wants the door. (meaning fancy house) 

It's really frustrating because he had done these things. He has said them. He has meant it. If I tell anyone he has he denies it and holds me accountable for being cold. So it like he only confessed enough to set the record straight but to not have a transparent relationship with mutual respect. 

This puzzled me for years then I realized he had cheaters in his family. That while I was trusting and could not prove much that his cold disrespect was a learned behavior. So he might have learned this form of coldness and thought this is the way you keep your life on track. I believe he has secrets that will go to his grave.

He does things that make me try to burn with anger and fury on the inside. It's like you want to just drop it all to feel peace. When you briefly let go you go along with it and for a short time actually, believe you have peace because you're not in turmoil. Really it's lost in his identity and you feel like you have a mate but it not that either, it's you coping. I believe that this is the mechanism that has kept me, hostage, all these years. His way to keep me in control and what has been my Stockholm Syndrom Achilles heel. The internal conflict he creates will never be resolved because of it's his own self creation. He does not even know what it is? He does know what he is but holds out and keeps it all locked away. There is an area of their heart that you can't touch. It's a black pandora's box! 

Trust me no one will ever believe you, Describe the fury you feel and it explains nothing of what you have actually had to live with. It like the corporate triad of miscommunications. How all the departments get into a lock down. They all sound like someone else is responsible and you run to that department for fixing. Then they listen and redirect you into the very same situation. Never fixes and just make you upset when another problem occurs and you have no voice, no feelings, no integrity, no power, and are responsible for results. 


 

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That's it Morning Glory

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MorningGlory

I can understand what you are saying.

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