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Fluffyflea

Starting Over

10 posts in this topic

So I was wondering what people did to start over after their relationship was over.

I feel like I'm just going through the motions.

 

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I'm still doing it. I'm working on friendships. I had been forced to abandon them. I should probably work on reconnecting with family, but I haven't yet. It's a lot harder to make friends now than it used to be.  I'm working on my employment situation. Trying to do well at my job. Trying not to overreact to negative things and difficult personalities which you always face in the work place. Working on doing well to get references for that next job. Working on building a routine, including exercise, reading, in my daily activity. Working on being more efficient, getting my place more organized and cleaner. Trying to get back to who I was. It's going to take a long time. Trying to be a better person. Trying to get over the negative attributes I picked up as a result of that experience. Trying to not get immediately defensive. Trying to find joy. Keep going through the motions and it gets easier.

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What about mutual friends?

And we also went to the same A.A meetings together what do I do about that if I want to maintain no contact?

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I know I focused on my job and making my home an abuse-free zone for my kid and I (which after one memorable weekend when my parents went after him, resulted in their being banned from staying with us).  I also went to counseling which helped a lot!

I also remember that some of us picked up old hobbies or discovered new ones.  I started playing flute again and others turned to photography.

It gets much easier as time goes by. Although I still need to develop more friendships outside of work, I'm happy and content.

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For me, I am focusing on rediscovering who I am. Finding out what I like, what I actually want from life. I spend a lot of time asking myself questions. Even small things like realizing what I like to eat. I journal a lot about realizations I have, and making notes as my intuition starts coming back, bit by bit. Any time I have a sudden idea out of nowhere (like "I'd like to learn how to make candles") I'll scribble it down.  I don't actually DO very much...and I'm trying to be ok with that. I get impatient about not transforming my life more rapidly, but I am trying to be gentle with myself. I know that in time I will be plenty productive. For now, I'm letting myself decompress over this huge change in life plans, writing down anything and everything that comes into my head about myself. Sometimes that means confronting the stuff that the ex told me about myself, and disproving it. I'm beginning to remember that only I can define myself.

I got a book called "Victory over Verbal Abuse" by Patricia Evans, from the library. It's got an affirmation for each week of the year, and I am really liking working through them. It's a really empowering book. 

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What about splitting up the A.A meetings?

Id just like to go to a couple where he isn't at.

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Fluffy.............it appears that your AA meetings are very important and you and you should be able do whatever makes you comfortable.

Re-introducing yourself into groups post divorce/break-up/etc. is always a bit scary.  I was a basket case on several occasions when well-meaning people came up to me and asked how XH was doing.  So............a dear friend offered to tell members of this group about my recent change and that I was divorced and XH had moved to the east coast.  It was so kind of her to do that..............and helped me through a difficult time until I was more comfortable telling my own story.

So.............is there close friend who could help pave the way for certain groups you see/meet with by merely telling folks there have been changes and you are working through some difficult times?

Just a thought.  This is all a process of getting back out there and feeling safe and secure.

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The problem is he's being a meeting hog on purpose of course.

I would like to go to meetings where he isn't.

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What's been important for me has been in learning to identify and fulfill my own needs. 

It sounds like an obvious skill, but developing as a person without ever being able to validate or not-suppress my own needs meant I had to consciously learn how to pay attention to my internal voices and learn to honor them. (Still a struggle because my needs are in direct opposition to survival, but whatever...)

Also i learn how to recognize the suppressive voices (may be"rules" in your previous life,  or things people said,  or anything( and consciously choose to overcome them. 

For example,  a stupid thing was I never felt allowed to eat lunch out or whatever if I had food at home. So I'd go out running errands but feel compelled to complete them before I could eat lunch because I felt I had to go home to eat lunch.  I didn't feel i could take the time & spend a few bucks to eat at mcd's or whatever.  So I would suppress my hunger or hurry through my errands and not do certain things because of this weird "rule" that probably doesn't make sense to anyone but which I wasn't even AWARE of,  that it was controlling me,  for the longest time.  

So it's important to learn how to check in with oneself and really try to ferret out and honor one's needs. 

As for the meetings....I'm afraid there might not be an option besides finding another group. To protect your own self and mental safety it's important to have freedom away from the spectre of him.  You can never feel that way as long as there is a possibility he will show up.  That's like a nightmare.  

Taking your own needs into your own hands sometimes means making some really tough and upsetting choices, unfortunately. 

 

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I'm still working on dealing with the awful waves of pain. 

Can you move to a different town so you can attend meetings without seeing him? I don't know. I'm sure you've already considered that. Are there virtual meetings? Can you go to NA meetings until he stops hogging? Are there any woman only meetings?

 

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