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whitebutterfly11

A Blindspot for My Own Abuse

24 posts in this topic

It's been a long time since I've posted here, and I've missed touching base with all of you.

Even though I'm becoming independent, starting on a new career path, even though my self-confidence is growing, I'm emotionally detached from Mr. BS, my life finally feels like it's headed in an empowered direction . . . 

I haven't left yet.

I'm ashamed to even say it. Ashamed that I'm still confused and still caught up in that illusion of being stuck.

Friends of mine are in similar situations. I clearly see the abuse in their lives. I can sit with them, validate them just as I'm learning to do professionally now. I can help them through their own situations and tell them, without a doubt, they are living in abuse. But I can't do the same for myself.

It's confusing. I've been in this for too long. Mr. BS switches tactics on me and claims over and over and over and over again "I am not the same person as I used to be. I have changed."

And you know what? He has changed. Changed the way he operates. He knows exactly what abuse is and makes a point of avoiding any behavior that might even resemble abuse. Emotional, verbal, spiritual abuse--he doesn't walk down that path anymore, because I'll call him out. Instead, he's opted for compliance and is perpetually good-natured, helpful, and eerily robotic about it. 

I'm trying to rally my willpower to leave despite the fact that I'm not seeing abuse anymore. I think it's still there, my counselor feels strongly that it is, but because it's no longer obvious or visible or even something I can feel anymore, I have to move on to the idea of leaving because our relationship is broken. And that's hard for me. I'm too blasted loyal. Feel selfish for leaving when he's supposedly checking off his own list of good behavior. That's why I'm spinning my wheels right now trying to figure out how to make this feel okay in my own soul. Because I relied too heavily on abuse to be the reason why I needed to get out. 

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It's abuse and manipulation because this isn't normally how he acts he's just doing this to keep you hooked.

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I found that when I didn't serve his purposes, the abuse increased. Could you alter your behavior in such a way that he might reveal his true colors? How changed is he? Would he revert if he wasn't getting his way for awhile?Would that help? Another thing that helped me was discussing his favorite memories of our marriage. The things that he remembered fondly were some of the things that I wanted to forget the most. Many things he remembered fondly, I was ashamed of. That could be telling too.

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whitebutterfly

I'm glad to hear that you are starting on a new career path.    :)

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Whitebutterfly - I've found it's incredibly easy to spot what I think others should do but never easy to do the same myself.  

This smells like hoovering to me.  I would not be surprised if the non-abusive romantic behaviour switches in an instant to manipulative rage if you told him you were leaving. Claiming to have changed is a standard tactic (whether done consciously or subconsciously) to keep you in the relationship.

It's hard to step away from responding like a normal person, but you don't need a horrible reason to leave.  You don't even need any other reason than the fact that you are unhappy. Many of us are conditioned to think so. That you can't just up and go and there must be a good reason which you then have to discuss before ending the relationship.

But here's the thing: that thinking is for normal relationships. Once there is abuse, all bets are off for 'normal' rules. You have every right to up and go even if the abuse ostensibly has stopped for now. There's no guarantee it will stay like this and once trust is gone you cannot revive a relationship. 

Please try not to feel ashamed or selfish (abused are probably the least selfish people around). It is debilitating and takes precious energy from what you should be going after: your own happiness.

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Whitebutterfly..........just remember that as hard as they "try" they can't change who they are.  The abuse will come back at some point and you are smart to continue to watch his conduct/actions/words/etc.  In the meantime, please do some internet research on the "covert narcissist".................

So proud of all you have done..........no judgement here just support and admiration!

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Thanks so much for your responses!

Since writing this post, he admitted to me that during the time he was most abusive to me (which started IMMEDIATELY after we got married), he felt I was not what he wanted, that I was a disappointment to him, that I didn't give him enough affection, that because I didn't live up to his expectations, he was angry, disappointed, and resentful toward me and THAT is why he treated me badly. This was all in his attempt to explain how he had changed because he doesn't think this anymore. He also felt terrible for admitting it, saying also that from the beginning, he had lied to me whenever I asked him if he was okay when he was angry, and he always answered that he was fine.

He didn't willingly volunteer this information. I was being bold, put him on the spot, and asked him questions about why he treated me badly for so many years. I asked him if he did this because he was disappointed in me. Then the truth came out. 

In his eyes, he was telling the truth and admitting it all to prove that he's not the same person as he was over a decade ago. To me, however, it made me mad that he's just now admitting all of this. I knew he was disappointed in me from the beginning. I could tell that I didn't measure up, felt overwhelmingly like I would never be good enough. But I guess there was always that part of me that believed him when he said he loved me, that he was happy in our relationship, that everything was fine. I guess the real betrayal is that he was lying to me. All along.

So I'm dealing with THAT crushing info right now, just after I had started to believe he was a different person. 

:( 

You know what, though? Bring it. I'm ready.

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7 hours ago, whitebutterfly11 said:

and asked him questions about why he treated me badly for so many years. I asked him if he did this because he was disappointed in me.

First of all, WB, I'm sorry I don't have a good head on my shoulders to speak to a lot of what you've talked about in this thread.

So I'm kind of limiting myself to this.

I'm not sure if you realize that this is sort of backwards...     and again, not a good head so I'm not sure I'll explain it well, but here goes. 

He treated you badly because he's an @33hole. You don't treat the person you've promised to care for badly unless you're an @33hole. 

So really the questions you asked him about why he treated you badly - are moot. There's no justification, so the answer really doesn't matter. It's just plain not-okay.

Secondly - how DARE he be "disappointed" in you - as if you're a child who didn't do her room cleanup to his exacting standards! Disappointed??? This is not a way we describe our partner who we know as a person and care about. You were a disappointment to him?? How dare he! (I'm angry and aghast and offended and - another word I can't pinpoint - on your behalf.) You didn't live up to his expectations?!? What the fricken fluck?!?  He is judge and jury and found you deficient? Inferior?? AN INFERIOR VERSION OF THE "WB" HE THOUGHT HE WAS CREATING IN HIS HEAD??!?!

So then he clearly treated you that way to try to get you to conform to the person he thought  you should be (for him). (And not in a way or degree that is present in normal relationships, so let's not even go there.) ABUSE IS CONTROL. Manipulation! So even when he's not being "abusive" (read "angry/nasty") - remember he's still being manipulative and controlling. Just by telling you he's changed, he's not that way anymore - that's controlling! That's manipulative! Because if a person really does "change" and allow you to be a person on your own and to feel however you feel, they will understand that you get to judge how you feel about someone for yourself. No, he is not that. 

WB, I'm sorry I don't have words to describe just how very extremely f'd up I think it is that he was telling you these things - and not only that he told you, but that he felt that way and that he thinks it's okay to have not only treated you that way but now to TELL you he felt that way. It has nothing to do with whether he's telling the truth or whether he hid this "truth" before and that being truthful makes him better. It has everything to do with this is very inappropriate and uncaring and horrible - horrible (imo) - to feel about and to tell the person you supposedly love.

You know it doesn't really matter whether you can point to a behavior and say "That's abusive!" to determine whether you permit yourself to follow a different path. What matters is that being with him makes you feel like crap. Being with him makes you constantly feel bad about yourself and second-guess yourself and wonder and think and hope and then get hopes-dashed and then it's a constant maelstrom of insecurity and discomfort. That ALONE makes it clear this is an abusive relationship.

One cannot listen to the abuser spout off about how they have "changed." It is not their position to judge their own changedness. 

And oh, in describing this "change" is he now all holy and forgiving and understanding that you're just not the person he would have wanted?

OMG, that is so soul-shaking. To be told these things. It's pretty horrible, in my book. 

He clearly views your wifeness as a job you've not performed correctly. But whereas this past control behaviors (anger, over abuse, etc) didn't work, he's gained a window into other things that might work so he's trying to get his wifeything to perform correctly by pretending he knows he was bad and he assumes his proclamation of self-understanding and "change" and "now he doesn't think that way anymore" <barf choke gag ball-kick> is supposed to manipulate you back into trying harder to be with him again.

It's alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll control and manipulation and NO LOVE OR GENUINE CARING. Gawd. He sickens and angers me.

So once you get beyond the betrayal of his lying all these years, I hope you can feel the righteous indignation (yeah, that's the word I was looking for!) that he f'd with you all these years - not by not-telling-the-truth but by his "disappointment" and his judgments of your "not living up to his expectations" and his not-caring about you and his manipulations and his control <-- which is all abuse and continues to this day.

I'm so sorry, WB. He makes me sick. In my book, those are sick things to feel about your partner and to say (and to expect them to be thought legit! brownie points for his "truth"???)  How belittling and negating and grotesque, imo. 

Sorry I went off on a rant. Sorry not sorry. Someone needs to get righteously up in his grill about his B.S. But he will never, ever, EVER "get it." He thinks this is all okay. He thinks he's golden for his grand admission. He thinks it's a positive to show that he's changed. When in reality it shows just how twisted he really is.

 

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14 hours ago, whitebutterfly11 said:

he admitted to me that ... he felt I was not what he wanted...he had lied to me whenever I asked him ...I...  put him on the spot...Then the truth came out. 

Who knows if that is even the truth at this point. They say whatever they have to say in the moment to get through the situation. Just like a child caught with chocolate all over their face. They have never matured past that point.

 

I'm sorry.

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whitbutterfly

This sounds so much like what my husband told me. They were both disappointed with us after we married them. I read in an article or in a book that abusers put us on a pedestal and then when they have us, we fall from their grace. It sounds like that is what happened to both of us. It is normal for both husband and wife to realize that we are not everything we had hoped for after the infatuation wears off, but what wasn't normal or right is for them to start abusing us. Like I have read, they don't want a mutual loving relationship, they want power and control. That is why they started abusing us, I think they would have found some reason, because this is the way they get their power and control.

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Thank you again--I cannot explain how validating your words are to me, and how helpful.

If I can just get some more of this heart-wrenching pain out, because it's truly sat inside, festering within me for 13 years. . . 

When I asked him "Was I a disappointment to you?" he was in the middle of a monologue about how difficult his childhood was, how he had been bullied at school and punished by his parents/siblings. He was explaining that because he had been through all of this, he become angry and started unleashing his anger out onto other people. I took advantage of a pause to pose the question above, and it completely blindsided him.

He looked at me as if he had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Like I had finally unearthed some information he had been trying to suppress or distract me from for a long time. And then, when he answered, because I caught him off guard, he didn't have time to scrounge up a lie or to sugarcoat his words the way he normally would. So, the truth came out. Frankly, it wasn't news to me at all. But to hear him say it really did validate what I had suspected, even though I have been trying for YEARS to think better of him. 

He quickly tried to patch it all up by saying: "But it wasn't YOU, it was ME. My fault. My bad attitude."

Then he got into this stance that he gets into whenever he's been caught: he slouches his shoulders and looks at the floor like a school kid caught in a lie. 

So here's my venting: 

I gave him my 100%. Loved him without question. Took his abuse for YEARS and decided to absorb it all and only give love back to him. I believed him when he told me that he loved me. I believed him when he told me that he was happy with me. And for 13 years, I have hesitated to leave because I saw good in him and believed he had the potential to overcome aspects of his abuse. Not that I believed his brain wiring could change, but that I believed he could suppress it to the point where he was decent to get along with. Yet, I did all of that with the assumption that he loved me, that he was trying to become a better person for ME, that the overt abuse stopped because he cared about my feelings enough to stop doing what he knew was hurting me. Then, come to find out, he's stopping the abuse to keep the IMAGE of me intact: the perfect home, the good wife, the kids, the whole collection of trophies on his shelf. Come to find out, he doesn't love me, he loves what I do for him. He loves the hologram of me. But he doesn't love me. He doesn't even know me. All along, my deep, compassionate self has been ignored. All along, it was my body, my image, that he needed from me. Ugh! He even called me his "Trophy Wife" once, after a work party. 

Just yesterday, he told me (for probably the 5th time in a year), that high-functioning sociopaths understand how to become socially adept, even if it doesn't match up with what they really are, in order to create peace and get along with others. He argued that it's not deception, it's an act of love when sociopaths care enough to stop acting like insensitive jerks in order to protect the people closest to them, even if they don't connect with what they are doing because emotionally they don't need to. He has NEVER admitted to being a sociopath, but I would argue that's what he is, and what he's been trying to tell me.

And I know his brain. In his brain, his "honesty" about who he is and what he feels is admirable. Like he gets a gold star for admitting to the fact that he was disappointed in me from the beginning, and has had to "train" himself to let go of his misgivings and expectations towards me. He brags often about how he doesn't let my weaknesses get to him anymore, that he doesn't even notice them because it's not relevant, and it doesn't help our relationship. He also tells me that I'm smart, beautiful, kind, capable, and doesn't get in my way with my master's program and all the stuff I'm doing for myself right now. 

But, it hardly feels like he's being "kind". It feels like he's just letting me do what I want, and telling me what I want to hear because it keeps that image of perfect wife/perfect life going for him. He's willing to pretend to be a really nice, accommodating guy in order to perpetuate this image of a life where he's successful. He's also mentioned to me many times that he's proud of his life, that he's proving to his siblings and parents that he's just as capable of having a good life as they are. So, again, it's the winning mentality, not love. This is hardly love. This is not even in the same gene pool as love.

It hurts. Really bad. To have been a disappointment for so long, to have "improved" my standing to that of acceptable-as-long-as-he-overlooks-my-weaknesses. I feel like I deserve more credit than that. I don't know . . . maybe I deserve to be loved deeply because I love deeply? Or I deserve compassion because I offer compassion? 

Sorry, I've vented too much.

It's a lot to take in right now . . . 

 

 

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whitebutterfly

I am so sorry. I am sending you hugs.

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Please do not apologize for venting. You have a right and there's nothing wrong with anything you said and there is no need to apologize.

You do deserve to be loved - and whether or not you do love deeply. Just as a basic right. You do deserve compassion - and whether or not you offer yours til the end of days.

He's been using you for an object all this time, as an emblem. A symbol and a worker. That's a very painful realization. :(  I'm so sorry...

You're a human and you don't need to earn the right in some sociopath's eyes to be loved and seen and cared-about.

And yes, I agree that he's telling you in a bunch of different ways that he's identifying as a sociopath, and "lookie how much I care because a sociopath only does this as their manner of caring." 

(Which bah humbug - they only do it because they don't want the consequences if they don't. That's what the "caring" is - the dislike of losing their status-quo. Not true relationship, love-caring.)

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Hugs, WB,  what a jerk he was to say all that to you.

i am righteously indignant on your behalf.  Ugh.  He has the right to be disappointed because why??  His wifeymachine didn't perform?  Pfft.  Jerk.

i am so sorry.

darci 

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Thank you.

I feel overwhelmed with what I'm processing . . . :(

 

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I'm so sorry. Quaddie is so right on.

The whole thing about him admitting that you disappointed him, like it's a kindness to tell you the *cough* truth. Seems like he's just saying whatever you'll believe to use as an excuse. Sociopaths are fantastic liars. I had an abusive ex that I went to couples counseling with and his behavior became so devious. He changed tactics, not abuse. It was just so well hidden that I could no longer call him on it. It was still abuse. I might be projecting, but it seems like he might be doing that.

I'm so sorry. I can see how hurt you are. You deserve so so SO much better.

It takes time to process it. Realizing that you weren't loved for you, but for what you could provide. 

Hugs Hugs Hugs Hugs Hugs

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On 4/4/2017 at 5:42 PM, whitebutterfly11 said:

 

So here's my venting: 

I gave him my 100%. Loved him without question. Took his abuse for YEARS and decided to absorb it all and only give love back to him. I believed him when he told me that he loved me. I believed him when he told me that he was happy with me. And for 13 years, I have hesitated to leave because I saw good in him and believed he had the potential to overcome aspects of his abuse. Not that I believed his brain wiring could change, but that I believed he could suppress it to the point where he was decent to get along with. Yet, I did all of that with the assumption that he loved me, that he was trying to become a better person for ME, that the overt abuse stopped because he cared about my feelings enough to stop doing what he knew was hurting me. Then, come to find out, he's stopping the abuse to keep the IMAGE of me intact: the perfect home, the good wife, the kids, the whole collection of trophies on his shelf. Come to find out, he doesn't love me, he loves what I do for him. He loves the hologram of me. But he doesn't love me. He doesn't even know me. All along, my deep, compassionate self has been ignored. All along, it was my body, my image, that he needed from me. Ugh! He even called me his "Trophy Wife" once, after a work party. 

 

I could have written this. My story exactly.

Quote
On 4/4/2017 at 5:42 PM, whitebutterfly11 said:

He brags often about how he doesn't let my weaknesses get to him anymore,

 

See, he STILL thinks of you as inferior!!! He's still disappointed in you. Just masking it a LITTLE better than before! That little slip of the tongue reveals a LOT!

Abuser phases go like this (it's in MANY MANY books): Idealize...devaluation...discard

Your story (and mine) is the classic devaluation phase. They idealize us to be WAY better than any human can be. Their expectations are WAY too high! So, after marriage when reality sets in that we are just a normal woman who loves them, that's not good enough. I downloaded a song once for the opening lyric: "Your cup is running over but you cry about the spill." That's it in a nutshell. That had it all! A wife who loves them and is doing everything they can to please them. And is faithful! Yet! It's still not good enough. It will NEVER be good enough. Nothing you do will ever be good enough!

It took me a long time to swallow this bitter pill. 

I divorced a year ago. An example of how NOTHING you do is ever good enough, here's what happened. I didn't want to take his family home. I didn't want to ruin the business we built together because it was his full time job and income. I didn't want to ruin his career.  We had land and cars and and and. I basically got in my car after 20 yrs of marriage and drove away. I only asked for the dog and I lost. I was BEING NICE! As divorces go, he is the luckiest divorced man in the whole f'ing town!!! Is he grateful? NO! He tells people I'm MATERIALISTIC, and I don't give him any alimony! AND....get this....I took three pieces of furniture. THREE! Out of the WHOLE HOUSE! They don't even match each other. He asked for 2 of them back! Ya! I took MY car (with my car payment) and 3 sticks of furniture and he calls me materialistic. You will NEVER be good enough for him. 

I'm sorry to tell you that. But you ARE good enough! You're perfect just the way you are! He just can't see that and HE'S the one with the problem. The fact that he's calling himself a sociopath, is very troubling. His "justification" of being a sociopath who is learning to adapt to keep the peace is quite scary. How HOLLOW! If he's TELLING you that you need to believe it! He's doing NOTHING for YOU! He's doing it to keep HIS life peaceful! He just said so. 

Listen to the song Lovely by Sara Haze. Have a good cry. It will be good therapy. 

 

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There is so much betrayal to process in this. I think my problem was believing that I had somehow got it all wrong--that my perspective was skewed about him being a liar and a conscious abuser. I wanted to believe in his humanity, that he was truly a good person at heart and I had merely misunderstood him or fell into my own prejudices. More importantly, I believed he was disappointed in me, abused me, all of that . . . but I always believed he was telling me the truth when he told me that he loved me, that I was the thing that was keeping him going, that he wanted to be a better man for me. Maybe I fell into the trap of being too believing, or trusting, in what he portrayed himself to be. Maybe I hoped I was wrong in believing that he was, at heart, a controlling, manipulative, lying abuser. I doubted my perceptions over and over again thinking I wasn't giving him enough credit, or that he would never lie to me about how he felt. And I read all of the books, did all of those years of research on abuse, and thought it wasn't applicable to me because he was at heart a good person. The degree to which I was convinced it had to be me was a force to be reckoned with. It really wasn't until he told me in plain words that his abuse was deliberate that the truth finally hit me.

Then, it didn't matter that after the truth came out, he looked like a guilty school kid and said he felt horrible. It didn't matter how he explained "that was then, but now I'm different." And it didn't matter that in the last few days, he has treated me like a freaking queen to try and "make up" for the grief his words caused me. It doesn't matter, because it's not real. None of it. It's all a facade meant to keep me right where he wants me, to play the part of his good little wife who does all the work while he gets to bask in it all. His kindness doesn't matter to me anymore, because even if he had truly changed (which I know he can't), how could I possibly trust him again after he lied to me about his feelings for all of those years? How can I possibly love him and have a connective relationship with him after years of abuse? It just doesn't matter anymore. The relationship is broken, my heart is broken, and I don't think there's a way to repair it anymore.

Realizing that he really was that bad, that my efforts to give him the benefit of a doubt were wasted . . . that's the huge grief of it all. 

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:(    

Gaslighting - being manipulated. It makes you doubt your own perceptions and reality. It's not your "fault" - for what it's worth...

 

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On 4/7/2017 at 5:54 PM, whitebutterfly11 said:

There is so much betrayal to process in this. I think my problem was believing that I had somehow got it all wrong--that my perspective was skewed about him being a liar and a conscious abuser. I wanted to believe in his humanity, that he was truly a good person at heart and I had merely misunderstood him or fell into my own prejudices. More importantly, I believed he was disappointed in me, abused me, all of that . . . but I always believed he was telling me the truth when he told me that he loved me, that I was the thing that was keeping him going, that he wanted to be a better man for me. Maybe I fell into the trap of being too believing, or trusting, in what he portrayed himself to be. Maybe I hoped I was wrong in believing that he was, at heart, a controlling, manipulative, lying abuser. I doubted my perceptions over and over again thinking I wasn't giving him enough credit, or that he would never lie to me about how he felt. And I read all of the books, did all of those years of research on abuse, and thought it wasn't applicable to me because he was at heart a good person. The degree to which I was convinced it had to be me was a force to be reckoned with. It really wasn't until he told me in plain words that his abuse was deliberate that the truth finally hit me.

Then, it didn't matter that after the truth came out, he looked like a guilty school kid and said he felt horrible. It didn't matter how he explained "that was then, but now I'm different." And it didn't matter that in the last few days, he has treated me like a freaking queen to try and "make up" for the grief his words caused me. It doesn't matter, because it's not real. None of it. It's all a facade meant to keep me right where he wants me, to play the part of his good little wife who does all the work while he gets to bask in it all. His kindness doesn't matter to me anymore, because even if he had truly changed (which I know he can't), how could I possibly trust him again after he lied to me about his feelings for all of those years? How can I possibly love him and have a connective relationship with him after years of abuse? It just doesn't matter anymore. The relationship is broken, my heart is broken, and I don't think there's a way to repair it anymore.

Realizing that he really was that bad, that my efforts to give him the benefit of a doubt were wasted . . . that's the huge grief of it all. 

Ugh! This really resonates with me.

The betrayal is everywhere because not only are you betrayed by the abuser, but they are so good at manipulating you into believing that you have betrayed yourself. That it was all you, even when they admit that they did something wrong - it was still you who trusted and forgave them, you who believed in them and doubted yourself, and wasted your efforts. 

I remember that feeling of realization, knowing that things were irreparably broken, and he blamed me for it, and I blamed me for it too, even as I knew it truly was because of his choices and actions. Because he had been so good at encouraging that inner sense of betrayal, that weird ouroboros of powerful powerlessness - he didn't DO anything, but if he did I had LET IT happen, so the fact that it was his fault was actually my fault. Total brain meltdown. 

Don't beat yourself up or think the expression of your good qualities were wasted! Yeah he doesn't/didn't deserve them, but that is nothing on you. He chooses to be undeserving. Being a good decent person who sees the best in others is never a waste. You are expressing the most beautiful aspects of your heart, that is what they are there for. He will try to poison those parts of you so that you feel bad about it, regret that you have such qualities, maybe even stop using them. Celebrate the fact that despite all the blame, abuse, and negativity he is trying to sling at you, those good parts of you can not be destroyed. It is a sign of your strength and brilliance, not a sign of waste and weakness! 

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Quaddie: YES, the gaslighting. I have to tell myself that this is happening over and over again to even begin to believe it.

Melinoe: thank you for your encouragement. You brought up some perspectives I hadn't thought of. Sometimes I forget that a loving person would appreciate when someone sees the best in them. Abuse messes so much with our sense of trust toward self and others.

Update: Mr. BS made sure to talk with me about how he didn't have a proper chance to clarify or finish his discussion with me, that I wrote above. He wanted to make sure that I knew that he has always loved me. Never once has he stopped. He was just disappointed with the expectations he had set for how he thought marriage would be, not necessarily with me. And he said that mainly he was disappointed because of the lack of enough sex, or because he "noticed I wasn't into it" and that made him not want to do it either. He also said that when he violated me on our wedding night (sorry, TMI, but I need to say it out loud), he was asleep and would have NEVER done it if he were wide awake. Also more. And more. And more. I brought up the fact that he had a sense of entitlement to get what he physically wanted out of me, like it was owed, and he admitted, that yes, he had struggled with that (but not now, of course--now he's "changed"). In some ways he said all of the right things in the right way, and in other ways I was left feeling completely unresolved, still, that he had addressed the core concerns that I had, or truly understood just how much he hurt me. I know it's futile to even try, but sometimes he can fake empathy quite convincingly.

He mentioned bits of information and used wording that I don't think he would have known about had he not read it somewhere, like on this forum. But you know what? If he's stalking me here, I really just don't care anymore. 

I don't know what to make of anything, except that I can't seem to trust a single word he's saying. It really doesn't even matter anymore what he's saying, because they are just words. Not actions. Not evidence of this changed person he claims to be. Just. Empty. Words.

I'm tired of it. I want the truth

No more fake niceness and pretending to love me when he doesn't. 

TRUTH.

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Omg the asleep thing again. I'm sure sleep-raping is a real and excusable thing, right? No.

Here's a little story.

A Story
by Mr. B.S.

"Blah blah blah blah blah. BLAH blah blah blah blah. Me me me I've changed look how well I can confuse you and try to make you believe me because I don't want to lose my thingie even though I'm a sociopath and I even say so but you're supposed to be okay with that because this is how sociopaths show they care, and excuse me I was just sleeping. Blah blah blah. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. Blah blah."

 

(hah I thought of that "story" before I read you saying it was all just words.)

WB - The thing is - nothing's ever going to be truth. He sees the world so differently. The truth is just whatever he thinks he can say and manipulate. 

Is there a truth would you hear that would change how you feel about him? Is there a truth you could hear from him, that would make all the bad and hurt and fear and disgust fall away and make it all better? What truth would that be?

Or which truth could you hear, that would make you decide this is definitely making you unhappy and that you don't want to be this unhappy and conflicted anymore and that you'd like to be free of this pressure and conflict and angst?

And... another question. If you really felt convinced that he really did love you (which I think you know is not even possible, but let's put that aside for the moment).... If you really felt he loved you, would that magically make all the hurt and bad and lies and empty promises and physical assault all okay?

If you felt he loved you, could you truly believe that he only violated you because he was asleep? 

If you felt he loved you and suddenly could 100% believe in it - if there was a magic truth that made that happen - would it change how you felt about the way you've been treated? Would it change how you feel in this relationship? Would it make you suddenly happy?

I don't mean to be all Zenmaster but....   the answers are right in front of you...

 

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Quaddie,

Thank you. I love Zenmaster, and you're right. All the answers are right there in front of me, it's just that I need to reframe the way I'm thinking about them.

And, I needed to laugh as hard as I did when I read the "Blah" story you wrote about Mr. BS. It was very therapeutic for me this morning, and TRUE.

All roads lead to the inevitable unhappiness I've felt, and what exactly it is I'm holding out for, like some epiphany, isn't going to happen. That's because there really is nothing left to figure out. I know the truth. It's a matter of accepting it, and putting myself first. Really, when it comes down to it, it's difficult for me to leave for me. I feel like I need a better reason than that I'm unhappy and want to leave. Which is dumb. Those are legit reasons! But maybe it's working through the guilt of doing something for me, especially where it affects others, like my kids. And it's feeling the weight of everyone else's feelings and not wanting to put anyone (even Mr. BS) through change that will potentially dismantle or derail them.

I have to stop being unkind to myself and allow myself to do what I want to do. 

I wish it were easy for me to do that!

(((Thank you)))

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On 4/11/2017 at 11:06 AM, whitebutterfly11 said:

I have to stop being unkind to myself and allow myself to do what I want to do. 

I wish it were easy for me to do that!

 

 

It will get easier to be kind to yourself and do what you want to do the more often you are kind to yourself and do what you want to do.  I hope that makes sense!

I think as women we're taught to put everyone else's needs and feelings first and forget that our needs and feelings are just as important as other peoples. It's not "selfish" to take good care of yourself.

PS As a clinician and researcher who is board-certified in sleep disorders medicine, it's highly unlike he violated you when he was "asleep." 

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