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cloudsandsunshine

Is withholding sex to get an apology from husband wrong???

21 posts in this topic

Is withholding sex until getting an apology manipulative and/or the wrong way to go about with it?
 
I have read forums before about women withholding sex for different reasons to get what they want. 
And usually its met with a lot of disapproval and criticism.  But in my case all I want is an apology. I am still cooking the meals for him and cleaning, washing his clothes, making his lunch for work etc etc. The only thing i'm holding back is sex.
Heres what happened.
   Over the weekend I was in the ER with our teenage son. He was sick and my husband and I  agreed that I would take him in cause the doctor's office wasn't open. I had my cell phone with me and was texting my husband updates on what was going on. My battery on my phone was low. I used it to get on my facebook and post an update requesting prayer from my family and also to text my sister about what was going on and to wish her a happy birthday. It took a long time to get seen there and I texted my husband telling him when we finally getting in a room to see a D oc and that they were testing our child for strep.  A little while later my phone started to go dead so I sent him a text saying the battery was almost out and if he didn't hear from me that was why. I would let him know everything when I got home. Well it went dead a couple of hours before I got home. When I got home he asked why I didn't text him. I told him the battery went dead and that the D oc said our child had strep throat. No more was said about the phone. Well, later that night I talked to his mom and she already knew about what was going on and my husband asked how she found out. I told him I had posted a prayer request on facebook and she found out that way. Well he flipped out. Saying that was why my battery went dead because I knew it was low and still got on facebook and talked to my family on it. I told him I did NOT spend the whole time on the phone. I was gone for about 7 hours so it was bound to die before I got back home. He started yelling at me and calling me a b**** and that I should have never even gotten on facebook to begin with when I knew my battery was low. I agree I probaby should not have but I did anyway cause it was a fast way to let my family know what was happening.  He could not  get ahold of me for two hours because it was dead. I told him our child was fine and there was no reason to get so bent our of shape over the issue. He would not listen to me trying to explain that I was NOT on the phone talking to people at all (beside a few texts) and that I didn't see the harm in posting a post of FB about what was going on. He started yelling over me saying I did not NEED to let anyone know what was happening and he just  wouldn't let me talk. Saying I was on the phone the entire time with people and FB making my battery go dead and that I didn't care if he could get ahold of me and that all I cared was talking to my family and getting on FB. I tried to deny it but he would not let me get a word in. That's when the name calling started.  When he thinks he knows something is a certain way then there is no way to change him mind so I just quit trying. He didn't believe me anyway. He used to be really bad a name calling but had slacked off lately and when I asked him why he would call me those names he told me I must like it cause I keep doing stuff to make him mad. He has broken things in our home and says "you are the one who broke this because you drove me to do it"  He seems to be jealous of my family a lot. We live over  2000 miles away from all my family.  Its going on 2 years since I seen anyone and looks like its going to be 3 because of money issues. I make it a point to  not talk to them much when hes around because he always seems to find something bad to say about the conversation that he "overhears". He has told me I sound so silly when I'm on the phone with them etc etc. Or he says that when I'm on the phone with them then I completely ignore him and act like he doesn't even exist.  He will also repeat what I'm saying to them at the time, in a silly mocking type of voice. For example I was talking the other day to my sister about her baby and was saying "ohhh that sounds so cuuute!! and Awwww I want to see her! and ohhhhh shes adorable!" and hes sitting there imitating me in this high over exaggerating voice. I have to leave the room cause I didn't want my sister hearing him. He tells our kids that when I am on the phone with my family, all I care about is my other family and no one else. So that's why I make a point not to talk to them when hes around cause of the drama it starts. I live over 2000 miles away from my mom, sibling and every blood relation that I have. My father had passed away 6 months before we moved. He wanted to live near his sick father so we moved.  So I moved away from my family so he could be by his. His dad was not doing well and being that my dad had just died I understood the urgency. It was a very hard thing to do for me. I was still grieving the loss of my own father and needed the support of my family and especially my mother. But we moved and his father did end up passing away. His mother is sickly too so we have not moved back. And he has told me numerous times that we will never move back cause he hates it there and doesn't want to be there.  He hates the climate.. It has been over 10 years now since we have moved.
   So back to the main topic. I told him he has to apologise to me for calling me that. He called me from work and apologised. I told him that he has to do it to my face and he is refusing to. He actually called me a b**** again. He said he will not say he is sorry to my face because I made him do it by doing stupid stuff. So i said well, then no sex till you do. He said fine, then he will get it somewhere else. I told him that will cause me to leave because I wont put up with that. He said "You will never know." I really don't think he will do something like that though. I think its just a threat. So I Was just like whatever, and left it at that. He can be very manipulative  at times and I got to thinking. Am I being like him? And I am going to be completely honest here. I WANT to see him do it. He has so much pride. I would feel so much pleasure in seeing him stand before me and swallow his pride and apologise. I am not a name caller. I don't curse him out. I hold a lot in cause it just makes it worse when I try to argue with him.  He has done that countless times to me( cursing and name calling) and I just want to see him loose a little of his ego and admit he was wrong for doing that. Everytime he breaks things in anger he blames it on me. Saying "You broke that because you caused me to do it so its your fault" We have been married over 13 years and I am tired of him doing this. I WANT him to apologize and I feel like this is the only way I will get one and being that its so hard for him to do it then perhaps he will quit with the name calling. WOW, this post ended up a lot longer then I thought it would. I even took a lot out lol Thanks for taking the time to read. Please give me your honest opinion.
CAS. 

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Wow- you have a whole mesh bag of disrespect going on. He is a right fighter and tries to put you in the wrong so he can win. Look the sex thing I do not believe anyone should have sex when they are upset and fighting. Sex is an intimate thing that makes you vulnerable and you should have a mutual respect of that vulnerability. So you just need to clear the air first. Him treating to just get it somewhere else that was a manipulation. Of course, fights affect the sex life. 

You have the right to love your family without him being jealous or mocking you. He is not two years old! 

You have to acknowledge where you are at and if sex has been interrupted because of disrespect. That is actually a normal thing that happens in most marriages. Some really bad marriages have been held together because of sex. 

I do not think you want just an apology. I think you want understanding and consideration. I think you want him to start to see the person in front of him. I not sure that if he just apologised it would make it better. Look the whole nagging through the cell phone needs to quite. In fact the next time you are at the emergency. Leave it at home! He can show up and get his information when you do. He wants to be the first to know before your family. That is something you might have to wrestle with. Well if he is slow in response he might have to get over it. 

Hope this helps. I think you need pre-marital counselling for the respect issues. If that does not work then know you have big decisions to make and those change your life. If you're dealing with a narc all the pre-martial counselling will just make a bigger smuck! 

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cloudsandsunshine

Hi and welcome. You can get him to apologize over and over but if he doesn't mean it, it's not going to really make a big difference, except make you for feel somewhat better. We are all human and at times want to see them suffer too because of what they have done to us. Making him swallow his pride will feel good too, but again in the long run, it won't solve the problem. The problem is that he thinks it is ok to treat you that way. He is wrong, he is being verbally and emotionally abusive to you. He is also wrong about you causing him to treat you abusive. You can't control him, if you could, I'm sure you would make him treat you differently. He overreacted to the phone going dead. We are not responsible for their actions and they are not responsible for ours. Regardless of what you do, It is his choice to treat you that way. He could choose to treat you with respect.  It Is Not Your Fault! It Is Him! It sounds like to me he is jealous of your family and he wants to come first. This is typical for an abuser. He is making fun of you when you are on the phone. He is being disrespectful to you and is also trying to manipulate you by doing this. I don't think he wants you talking to your family and having a good relationship with them. Some abusers like to separate us from our friends and family, so they can have more control over us. It is also normal to not want to have sex with someone that treats you badly. My husband said if I didn't have sex with him or the way he wanted he could be tempted to have it with someone else.  That again is them being abusive. They may or may not, but the point is that he is abusive and trying to control you. Abusers want power and control over us and they choose it instead of a mutual loving relationship. I think my husband says he is sorry sometimes even when he is not, so I will shut up.

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Living with an abuser makes you start to feel like getting your needs met by manipulation is normal. Of course it's not right to withhold affection (sex) from someone to get an apology. But, is it right to not apologize when you have done something wrong? Is it right to treat your spouse badly?

Is it right to not want to have sex with someone who has treated you badly? Of course you don't want to have sex with someone who is a big jerk! I have a feeling that the only way to fix your problem will be to walk away. He is who he is. The way he behaves when you are speaking to your family is despicable. They are your love and support. He should be glad that you have them in your life. He is a self centered jerk.

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I don't have anything to say that will be helpful other than I don't miss all this stuff.

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Hi cloudsandsunshine,

To answer your question about the wrongs or rights of withholding sex:

I think it depends on the circumstance, but I will say, when abuse is present (which it most definitely is in your case), sex can start to feel like a means through which more abuse can happen, then it can be triggering or unsettling. Yes, you are withholding in order to receive an apology, and yes, if he weren't abusive, there might be better ways to encourage him to say he's sorry, but my guess is you are doing this because you feel convinced he won't apologize otherwise. I see it more as you fighting back against his abuse in your own way, rather than it being "wrong" or "manipulative". But that's just me. :)

The bigger issue you seem to be dealing with is his rage at you about your phone battery (isn't it crazy that abusers will flip out over something as trite as a phone?) He's displayed some common abusive red flags worth mentioning:

Possessiveness: He seems to want your full and undivided attention, to be the first-to-know, and to lay claim of your time and your whereabouts. Spouses should be concerned about such things as a child in the ER, or curious when you're away for a long time, but not to the degree of chewing you out for not putting him first on your agenda while you're at the hospital and he's not. You were giving him disclosure up until your phone died, not to mention you explicitly told him your phone was dying and that's why he might not be able to reach you, before it gave out. You took the right steps there. Also, his tirade over your Facebook post was a bunch of BS. Accusing you of wasting time on social media at the hospital, or mandating that you don't share info with family and friends. It's your account, you have jurisdiction over what you post, and when. He might have an opinion about what he's comfortable with you sharing regarding the kids, but not to the degree of slamming you that way, or calling you names. 

Jealousy: Like Hoping pointed out, he seemed to be in a rage because he was jealous of other people for knowing information he felt entitled to keep himself. Jealous of your time at the hospital. Jealous of the time you spent without a working phone. Jealous of the time you spend with your family. Jealous of your relationships with your family. Jealous of any time you spend that's not focused on him. It's not normal of a spouse to act this way--that is a huge sign of controlling behavior, a.k.a. abuse. 

Physical Threat: Breaking things around your house is a physical threat, or physical abuse, because that same violence he displays toward inanimate objects is meant to send a message to you that he can do the same thing to people as well. :( And the fact that he's telling you that you "made" him do it (BS) shows us that he has zero remorse for that type of violence, and that if it ever happened to you, he would say the same thing. I wouldn't mess with that kind of behavior AT ALL. I'm afraid to say that he is dangerous and I would be very, very cautious. :(

Sexual Threat: His logic of "I can get it somewhere else" is meant to threaten you, and is an abusive tactic. Going back to the first question of withholding sex from a spouse--if he's treating you this way, threatening you, demeaning you, it's healthy and normal to not want to have any physical contact with him. He's gross. Sex involves trust and respect and is totally vulnerable. It would be natural not to want to be with someone who doesn't make you feel loved, respected, or safe. 

Verbal Abuse: His yelling, demeaning, name-calling behavior is classic verbal abuse, and definitely not okay at all, and not your fault. 

 

 

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Thank you everyone for all your input. It really make me feel wonderful to talk and have someone understand what is going on.  I really appreciate everyone taking the time to reply to my dilemma. I wish he would go to marriage counseling so that maybe he can see what he is doing to me by getting someone else perspective besides just mine on the matter cause when I try to explain how he is to him he goes on and on about how justified he is with what he is doing and how I "drive" him to do it.  I do admit I forget a LOT. I have a thyroid issue and I think that leads to a lot of it. Well, He gets really frustrated with that and says I DON'T forget I just DON'T care. And about sex, he says I need to give it to him even when I don't wont to. He loves oral and that's they way he wants it most of the time. (sorry if that's to much info) But I hate it. But still  do it nearly ever time.  two to three times a week. I tell him he gets it more then enough and he said it doesn't matter if its three times a day. He should be able to get sex when he wants it.. Im at a point where I dread sex and want to try to get it over with as soon as we start. I used to like but now its like a dreaded chore. If I went the rest of my life with no more sex I would LOVE it. And I just got out of my twenties.... Another thing is He cant stand my family cause he said they dont care about him. All they care about is me. He yelled at my sister one time cause she called and he answered with "hello" she said "can I talk to my sister"? He yelled at her and said "what you cant even  say hi"? and hung up on her. My sister was like 14 at the time and we had just moved away. When she finally got ahold of me and told me about she said she just didn't think to say hi to him she was just wanting to talk to me about something." So I just told try to remember to say Hi before asking to speak to me.  He didnt want me going over to my parents house a lot when we lived near them and when I would go he was calling up like 15 minutes later telling me to get my butt home. I asked him about that recently and asked why he didn't like me going over there. Well, he went on this rant about how I used to go over here and be gone for HOURS at a time and he was stuck home with the kids CONSTANTLY. It made me so angry to hear that because I KNOW that's not the truth! ANd the more I told him that he was lying to not only me but to himself, the angrier he got until it blew up in a huge fight. I cant understand how he actually believes his own lies. A few day before my dad died I had stopped by his house to see him after work cause my sister had called me and told me how sick he had gotten overnight. He called my cell wondering where I was and I told him that dad was sick and I had stopped by to see him after work. He went into a rage and started yelling so loud that my mother even  heard him through the phone. Telling me to get my butt home NOW! He was home with the kids and said  I needed to get home to  help him. I came home  and begin to cry in front of him telling him how sick dad was. My sister called me and told me Dad was even worse but my dad was  refusing an ambulance. I told my husband I was going back over there and I can still hear the words plain as day in my head. In an exasperated voice he snapped "just go and get it your of your system". My dad died a few days later. I rode with my dad to the hospital after he slipped into a coma and after getting there I called my husband up and asked him to come up to the hospital with me. I told him I need his support. He refused and said he was not going to bring our kids up there and have to run after them. He told me there was nothing I can do and to come home now. He needed help with the kids. I got a ride back home and later that night the hospital called and said they wanted all the immediate family to come see him and make a decision to take him off of life support. My husband then  did take me up to hospital and was comforting me as we were in the ICU. I dont think he realized how sick my dad really was. After we went back home for a rest my cousin called me and told me my dad had died after we left. This was over 10 years ago and as I type this I cant help but cry all over again... Well, I fell apart when I was on the phone with my cousein. I was crying uncontrolably. I heard him mutter next to me "come ON now" He thought I was being over dramantic.... It still hurts to this day that those were the first words he spoke to me after I found out my dad was gone.  He says me and my famiy have a mental problem. We get to dramantic over things... He did hug me at the funeral and was sympethitic to me then though.. To this day he still thinks he did nothing wrong. His excuse was that he didnt know my dad was sick or he wouldnt have thrown such a fit when he called me on my cell that day when I was at dads.  He said I was always leaving him and going over there and was  gone for HOURRS at a time and he had to take care of the kids alone and all that. I know Im not crazy or have a mental block from doing that becasue my dad used to ask me why I wouldnt go visit him more. I never told him that it was because of my husband. I moved away from EVERYONE that I ever knew 6 monthes after dad dies and went with him and our kids to his family that was many states away from mine. I told him one day that, that was a huge sacrifice for me to make and he looked at me and said " WHY?? I am your husband. It should not have been that hard to leave.  It was hard because all you care about is them and not me." I tell him how much I have missed out on. Funerals, birthdays, wedding  etc etc. and most importantly  my children not have a daily relationship with my mom. He says thats to bad but  our lives don't revolve around my family.  After watching a movie about two women who were childhood friends and grew old together and remained friends all their lives, I told him that that would be awesome. To have a childhood best friend to see often and grow old with. He said I was crazy. That's what your problem is he said. You have a husband to grow old with. You don't need a best friend..They would just cause trouble in each others relationship....  This is just the tip of the iceberg . I could go on and on . But thanks for reading and letting me vent a little. It really helps me feel better to write this all out. 

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cloudsandsunshine

Wow, he is such a jerk. He is definitely abusive. 

2 hours ago, cloudsandsunshine said:

I wish he would go to marriage counseling so that maybe he can see what he is doing to me by getting someone else perspective besides just mine on the matter cause when I try to explain how he is to him he goes on and on about how justified he is with what he is doing and how I "drive" him to do it.  I do admit I forget a LOT

If you are wanting him to go to marriage counseling with you, I have read, heard from people on here and know from experience that it can cause more emotional trauma.  Some counselors or therapist aren't taught how to deal with abusive spouses. Also, abusers can use what we say about them to abuse us more. Abusers need to go to therapy by themselves and to someone who understands abuse. One of the books I suggest to read about abuse is, "Why Does He Do That?" Inside the minds of angry and controlling men, by Lundy Bancroft. Also, it doesn't mater if you do forget a lot, he shouldn't be treating you abusively. You Do Not Make Him Do Anything or Drive Him To Do Anything, he is wrong. He may believe this or he may be saying this to put the blame on you. Either way he is wrong.......  You are not responsible for how he chooses to react to a situation. You are ONLY responsible for how you react to a situation.

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Ha ha ha I love that "How we DRIVE them to do or say things."

My ex told me once "The reason I talk to you that way is so you won't do it again."

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Clouds and Sunshine, you picked a bad guy. I'm sorry. I'd get out of there. My experience tells me that it only gets worse. 

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He tells me that too! He's like "I do that to teach you a lesson so you wont do it again"  My eyes are being opened more and more on what is really going on here. I was in denial for a long time and was desperately trying to fix "me". Now I am starting to see its the other way around. I know I'm not perfect but I'm not bad enough that I deserve all this! Thank so much everyone for your helpful words and info. It really makes me feel better to talk to people that has been through it all and understands. Im trying to figure out what to do next. Thanks so much!

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Hi Clouds 

I was just looking back to see if anyone has mentioned a must read book called 

Why does He do that . By Lundy Bancroft .

I think it's downloadable also .

If you could find a way to getting it and read it privately .

It is jaw dropping . 

I wish I'd known about it and read it 30 years ago .

I would have realised how hopeless it all was .

That nothing can ever get better . 

Be as strong as you can . 

Sending a hug if you need one .

 

 

 

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Yes super good book.

It was eye opening for me.

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:thisisabuse:

 

You do not deserve it. NO ONE brings abuse upon themselves. Abuse is not acceptable.

Unfortunately as they already noted, counseling is not a good idea with abusive relationships. There are a lot of reasons for this. One is because counselors usually come at it with a "shared responsibility" perspective. When there is abuse the power dynamic in the relationship is never 50/50 and so apportioning any responsibility for the "bad parts" of the relationship only feeds into the abuser's sense of entitlement. It makes him feel more empowered and gives him fodder to use against you. And use it against you he will. Between that and the counselor trying to point responsibility onto you for whatever minor part of the relationship you might be (normally) imperfect in, is guaranteed to completely confuse you and make you feel worse and less clear about what is going on.

So the abuse doesn't actually get better and you end up getting blamed more and the abuser feels entitled and validated. This is what almost always happens in counseling with an abuser.

So it feels like it would "help" - we all have been there, wanting desperately to have someone "on our side" to help get him to "see" - but because abusers' minds don't operate in a "typical" way, it doesn't help - it only makes things worse. 

They will never "see."  There is no big light bulb of enlightenment that turns on inside their heads to make them "get" what they are doing is wrong and hurting you. For one thing, they don't care that they are hurting you. They want to hurt you! It serves their purpose. So unlike a normal, caring person - if you tell them "this hurts me" they will want to stop because they don't want to hurt you. But in an abuser's mind, your hurt feeds their ability to control. Abuse is about control and manipulation. So they might be thinking unconsciously, "Oh good, I've got her where I want her." 

Yet they view you as "their object." You are their thingie. Not a person who they really care about as an individual. They typically don't even see you as an individual with your own rights to your own desires and needs. In a healthy relationship, each sees and acknowledges and cares about supporting their partners and what makes their partner happy. But in an abusive relationship, the target is just basically a "thing." You're supposed to act as he wants you to, be for him and what he wants. We use the "toaster" analogy because it fits. You're basically his toaster. Your job is to make him toast. If you malfunction and stop making toast, he'll do whatever he has to to get you back to functioning correctly.

Therefore, if an abuser senses he might lose his "thingie"- his toaster - he will often appear to make changes, or say or do whatever it takes to get his toaster to work again. So if you say something hurts you - there's a chance he might try to appear to alter his behavior in order to keep you from leaving.  But that's just manipulation. Its' not because he actually cares about hurting you - it's because he doesn't want to lose his toaster thingie. It's too hard to find and train another toaster, so he'd rather keep the one he's got.

 

So please by all things holy, do not try to do counseling with him - it is almost always disastrous and gets the opposite effect of what you think it will.

Yes, do read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - it's extremely enlightening. But whatever you do - keep it secret. Do NOT share any information, tidbits or ANYTHING with him. Don't tell him he's abusive (he'll just turn it back around on you). They learn the technical terms of abuse and then twist them back around onto you to use against you. It's emotional and verbal warfare.

So back to your original question. For one thing, from an abuser, an apology means absolutely nothing. So even if you get it - it's meaningless. You gain nothing. Just some words. It doesn't make anything better. It doesn't mean he understands or acknowledges he did anything wrong. It means absolutely nothing.

So the bigger picture is that you are in an abusive relationship and being abused. And frankly no one likes being used as a sexual object - which is what he is doing. Telling you that he should be able to get it whenever he wants it is clear evidence that he views you as "his object." It's disgusting and no, no one likes being treated like that. So you're completely valid to not want to be treated that way.

In fact, there's nothing really romantic or sexy about being abused. So it's normal to not want to have sex with them at all. In order to want to have sex with someone, a person would want to feel good about themselves and good about the person you're doing it with. In abuse, none of that exists. 

So the actual premise of your question - whether it's wrong to withhold sex to get an apology - is really kind of moot. In fact, I really hate the "withholding sex" term at all when it comes to being applied onto the target of abuse. Abusers will accuse you of this - or society will make you feel like you're "withholding sex"  - but to me it implies you have some sort of duty or obligation to perform sex as if you are his sex thingie. And you don't, and you're not.

So you're not actually "withholding sex" (as if you are obligated to give this to him and just refusing to!) -

In reality, you just don't want to have sex with him because he's an abusive jerk who cuts you down and controls and manipulates you and blames his own behaviors on you and treats you like a piece of crap instead of a loving, caring partner.  

So that is the real issue.

And you have every right to not want to have sex with someone! You have ultimate dominion over your body and sexuality. He doesn't have a "right" that you are "taking away." He doesn't have a "right" to use you how he sees fit, no matter what happens. 

Please do read the book - in private, and keep it to yourself - keep everything you learn about abuse to yourself. This is extremely important. Think about sharing it with him as being read the Miranda - "Anything you say can and will be used against you." Because it will. So honor yourself and keep yourself emotionally safe and start to build up your own personal boundaries by keeping this information strictly to yourself.

 

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This is not the thing that counselling can fix but distance works wonders. Sometimes counselling helps you see that you are a better stronger woman that you have been lead to believe. That you can accept the things you can not change and make good healthy decisions for yourself. Why do most people believe counselling fixes things. No, it helps people see truths and live full healthy lives. A marriage takes submission on both sides. You are married to someone that will not submit and blames you if he does. He has no feelings for any of the life's events that matter in your life. A friend would want to help you be able to say goodbye. He cares about you slobbering on his nob, caring for his children and a dinner in his belly. I kind of made it simple to remove control issues with giving head. I was carted up to the mountains and forced to do so or be raped. For me, I just tell my partner that it's not something I consider intercourse. It has to do with my vagina and I also need to orgasm. Giving head does nothing for me and I do not accept that type of treatment. Hope what I wrote gives bits of help but my feeling are it will just make him mad. Let see everything makes him mad. Your dad dying makes him mad. You having personal space makes him mad. You wanting to have some support with the children makes him mad. He is so predictable? I have a feeling that marriage support will just make him mad that he has to spend money to make you compliant? So therapy just does not go after fixing things. Sometimes it brings it right to the head. Like a big old zit!!!  

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Thanks for the recommendation to the book and everyone's opinions and words of wisdom from your own experiences! You guys are awesome!  I looked the book up and starting reading it. WOW, its like the author knows my husband in person! So much stuff in there says exactly what he is doing and how he is acting.Really is an eye opener! Thanks again!! 

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I just want to say I hope that you consider trying to get away from him. Knowledge is power. And a support system is really important. Mine manipulated me into isolating myself from friends and family because a lot of them realize that a good support system is their worst enemy. They want our only perspective to be theirs and will do everything they can to convince us this behavior is normal. Please keep coming back. You deserve so much better. As for the sex I totally understand. Mine always wanted things i didn't love, or that I used to like until they became mandatory, or painful. Once he even did something I didn't want and was too drunk to stop him. He yelled at me when I said it seemed like rape. Then I was a horrible person for calling him a rapist. If I wasn't in the mood then I MUST be getting it somewhere else. He doesn't accept the fact that at this point I want no physical relationship with anyone for a long time. He still accuses me of trying to find someone else. It's not ok. None of it is ok. You have a right to be loved, listened to, and accepted for who you are. He isn't doing ANY of that.

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17 hours ago, clurichaun said:

He yelled at me when I said it seemed like rape. Then I was a horrible person for calling him a rapist. 

It is shocking to me how similar this is to something that happened to me. What monsters these men are. 

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I'm so sorry you had a similar experience. It's terrible to feel violated by someone you thought you could trust. And to be villainized just for pointing out that you said no and they didn't stop.

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And that what they want to do makes you feel really bad. You are supposed to shut up and pretend to enjoy it.

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Criticism leads to fights. fights are scary.

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