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Vickeee

How to leave? I mean method, like is txt okay?

24 posts in this topic

So, last night he stood me up. I cooked for 2 hours for a dinner date we had set, he knew I would be doing a lot of cooking, I was making a really traditional meal from my country of origin. No call, no txt, nothing.

The night before, he was supposed to go to some CODA meeting, because now he says he's codependent. So, I asked him if he went. He said he was 4 minutes late and that stopped him. He said he was nervous and didn't want to walk in late, never having gone to group, the nervous part I understand. I got upset and said that I was surprised that 4 minutes stopped him because he's never been only 4 minutes late, not even on our first date. He's literally never shown up on time, sometimes he's up to a couple of hours late and that doesn't seem to bother him at all, but 4 minutes late to an anonymous meeting does? It sort of confirmed my suspicion that he's not planning on getting any kind of help for anything because the only person who has problems in the relationship is me. I'm the one that's messed up. He got mad, silent treatment mad, which I didn't realize because he knows that him being late is a problem. His entire family gives him a hard time about being late all the time. It's also not a surprise that it frustrates me. So he stood me up. He's big on retaliation. Does things to purposely hurt me. I thought we were still on.

I get a txt today about some show on hulu like nothing happened, which is also normal, he usually acts like nothing happened and I'm supposed to go along with it. Only I'm done. I want to leave the relationship, we've been dating over a year, not quite a year and a half. I'm afraid to talk to him on the phone or in person. Any time I try to bring something up the conversation is a total nightmare. Everything gets turned around and I end up being attacked. My concerns don't get addressed. I really don't want to have another conversation like that. 

What do you think? Is it okay to break up with him over txt? Any other ideas?

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You don't have to talk to him on the phone. You don't have to explain anything at all. In fact, trying to do so would just give him the opportunity to mess with your head. So - no conversation required or desired.

You can definitely break up with him with a text. You can say something very brief and completely clear, like "I'm breaking up with you, I've made up my mind and I'm not changing it. Please don't try to contact me. Goodbye."

Then block him every which way - and expect the hoovers - but be firm and know that you're doing the right thing for you. And that's all that matters.

What he thinks doesn't matter. You get to decide your life and who you give your precious time and caring to.

 

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Thank you. I keep thinking how much it would hurt me if I got broken up with via txt, then I feel guilty. But I also wouldn't treat anyone the way he is treating me, the person he claims to love. I found http://youarenotcrazy.com today. I can't remember if it's in the resource page here. I know I can just check, but I kind of feel overwhelmed. It has a real recording with the abuse pointed out in a transcript if you click on "the quiz". It sounds so familiar. Listening to it I feel more sure in my decision. 

I'm making a block list, to try to not forget anything.

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I blocked on my cell phone and my email and set my land line to go to voice mail after two rings.

This was after I was thrown out of his house and told to NEVER come back as he wasn't getting anything out of the relationship anymore for the only apparent reason that a DVD wasn't working properly.

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Wow Fluffyflea. Can you even imagine treating someone like that? I just blocked him on my emails. Going to send the text after I finish working today. I have a deadline that I have to focus on and I can't afford to be really anxious until I'm done

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I have to agree with what has already been said here. In a "healthy" relationship it might be considered rude to break up via text but as you have pointed out, he will twist your words, in addition to giving you a major guilt trip, etc, etc,. If you are not comfortable doing it in person or over the phone, that is because of the environment HE has created. Your feelings are valid and do whatever makes you the most comfortable. I filed for divorce in a similar way. I didn't have the guts to face him and tell him. I was AFRAID of him! I had a close mutual friend of ours who came down on me really hard for that but that just goes to show that they don't care or respect that I'm AFRAID of him! They are NOT in my shoes! They don't know what it's like to live with him or have to deal with him! You might get similar feedback but stay strong. You don't own ANYONE an explanation or justification of the way you needed to do things! Only YOU know your situation...and your comfort level! Do what is best for you and don't apologize. Try not to feel guilty but that is kinda impossible. Just know that "we" who have BEEN THROUGH IT support you and know you are doing your best. 

Also! Allowing you to cook and big meal and then being a no-show! HORRIBLE! So rude!!! Acting like it never happened and wanting to make small talk? Arrogant! Like you're supposed to be ok with being treated that way! He deserves a text break-up! He doesn't consider YOUR feelings, so why should consider HIS, at this point?

Stay strong and good luck! I know it's hard but you can do it! 

 

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I agree with all of the points that the others have said . I so understand your wanting or feeling like you should ' behave correctly ' and have a discussion and do it face to face .

It just isn't a goer in a relationship without respect . So sad,but true . 

I didn't end my 30 year marriage in a way I am remotely proud of . 

I just left ,on a pretext,and haven't gone back . I still have sleepless nights ,with guilt , about doing it like that . 

I was afraid I would weaken and lose my courage if I tried to explain to him . My feelings were never important . 

Be strong ,you can do this . 

 

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Thank you for your responses. They gave me the courage to send my text. I did it, and then I blocked him from everything I could think of

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👍👍

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Good for you!!    Stay determined. This is the best thing you can do for yourself. 

Now your time is yours, you can focus on your deadline and what you want from life.

 

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I got a really long email telling me how I'm defensive, and how things are my fault and how he's taken time off work because of how he's been feeling about me, how he might even need to be institutionalized! How he lied to me about it because he's so confused about how he's feeling, and how I messed up his work. I don't know how it got through. I blacklisted him. 

Anyways, part of it is asking for my advice about how I would have handled my horrible behavior if I was him, and why he wouldn't apologize when he knew he offended me. He didn't offend me. He compared me to his exes, sexually, negatively. I wasn't offended. I felt like I was kicked in the stomach, I was so hurt. I let him know this.

I'm not sure what his goal is, but getting to be with me doesn't seem like it. WTF. How would he think this type of email would do anything? He puts the blame back on me so he could have a clear conscience. It's like a 700 word email telling me how horrible I am and how he's so hurt by me.

In one part he says he showed his psychiatrist my txt messages so he could know if he was being defensive and then that was the end of that. It's almost funny. Then he goes on to talk about how bad he feels that he has any needs and then skips to how he doesn't know how he's been feeling. It's really all over the place. I'm not going to reply. I put his email into the blacklist again. I don't know how it got through

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If another message gets through don't read it and just move to a different folder. You may or may not need the message later on. He's trying to maintain his control over you in any way he can. Stay strong. Hugs.

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Good idea.

Thank you. It really helps to have the support. Knowing that he's been lying to me about how busy he was at work and how he couldn't spend time with me because of that and then standing me up too. It really hurts, and then turning it all around on me.and complaining about how I've been reacting to how he's been treating me. I mean really??? 

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Ok, so I guess he can say whatever he wants. I'm not going to bite. I might be upset about it, but I'm not going to let him know. He can go f%$k himself

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What he says or thinks is no longer of relevance to you. Try as hard as you can not to let it affect you - even getting upset but not responding to him takes energy. 

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Thank you appletree. The support helps so so so much. I know it's not my problem, how he's reacting, but it still hurts. Knowing he's been lying to me, the complete disregard for what I've said and written to him and him making my experience, that he doesn't know, into his narrative, like I'm not a person

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6 hours ago, Vickeee said:

I got a really long email telling me how I'm defensive, and how things are my fault and how he's taken time off work because of how he's been feeling about me, how he might even need to be institutionalized! How he lied to me about it because he's so confused about how he's feeling, and how I messed up his work. I don't know how it got through. I blacklisted him. 

Anyways, part of it is asking for my advice about how I would have handled my horrible behavior if I was him, and why he wouldn't apologize when he knew he offended me. He didn't offend me. He compared me to his exes, sexually, negatively. I wasn't offended. I felt like I was kicked in the stomach, I was so hurt. I let him know this.

I'm not sure what his goal is, but getting to be with me doesn't seem like it. WTF. How would he think this type of email would do anything? He puts the blame back on me so he could have a clear conscience. It's like a 700 word email telling me how horrible I am and how he's so hurt by me.

In one part he says he showed his psychiatrist my txt messages so he could know if he was being defensive and then that was the end of that. It's almost funny. Then he goes on to talk about how bad he feels that he has any needs and then skips to how he doesn't know how he's been feeling. It's really all over the place. I'm not going to reply. I put his email into the blacklist again. I don't know how it got through

It's to break you down so you'll go back and he gets his control back.

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Yup. It's a hoover. His goal = hoover. 

Remember I said to block him every which way but expect the hoovers? This is what they do. It's pathetically predictable.

I know it seems like an impossible thing, to separate yourself from what he says... but try not to take it personally.  Nothing he says or does really has anything to do with you. He never "saw you" as a person in the first place. So nothing he says or does is about you, or what you do or how you are. He doesn't even see you. 

I think this is both one of the most difficult parts about having been in a relationship with an abuser - and the most freeing, as well. Because it was never "you" they were in a relationship with, in the first place. It was just some blob placeholder human that he felt he could mold and shape into being his thingie. His toaster. 

So now, he's like a haywire robot just turning and flipping and flailing around crazily trying to get his toaster back so things can be "normal" for him again. 

Actually I think that's a really good visual analogy. Picture a haywire robot flipping out, spinning and its programming frying, repeating random words and phrases as they come into its pseudo-neural pathways. That's all he's doing. Just throwing things "out there," spinning out like a robot with a missing connection. 

And he'll say and do anything - no matter how much it doesn't make sense - to get you back engaging with him. Because from there it's just a short trip to get you back to him.  (But remember, he doesn't want you back because he cares or loves you, or because it's romantic - it's because you're a missing object of his and he wants his toaster back and functioning properly again.)

So reading his blatherings and trying to figure them out - for one thing, it's pointless because it's not going to make logical sense. But a "normal" person ties their brain into knots trying to make it make sense. So it's important to try to let go of trying to find meaning and sense in what they say. It's not going to have true meaning or sense. It's just word spew.

And reading it, and trying to figure it out - is exactly his goal.  Reading it - keeps you engaging with him. It keeps you tied to him. Trying to figure out what he means - letting it marinate in your head, trying to make sense out of it, trying to figure out if he has a point or what he did or didn't do, or whether he was busy or not-busy or any of it.... all that, it keeps you engaging with him. It keeps him in your head. As long as he's in your head that way, he's getting what he wants. And he's still keeping you from being able to be wholly you - as an individual, separate and apart from him.  It's like he has tentacles made of thought, and he's injected thought-toxins into your bloodstream via that email. So now they're swimming around in you, keeping him tied to you, and that's exactly his purpose - and it's exactly the opposite of what's good and healthy for you.

It takes time and practice, but learning that these words are really nothing to do with you whatsoever, and preventing yourself from reading or engaging with him anymore... and not even having the curiosity to do so... will be your saving grace.

Here's a poem. ;)

 

A Hoover's a Hoover, No Matter What How  

(c) 2016 - by me

 

A Hoover can come in all shaping and sizing

And means and degrees of its dramatizing

 

Some cry, or threaten,

And some fight all night

And some make big promises,  seeming contrite

 

Some look like puppies, all big-eyed and sad

Some will confuse, say it wasn't that bad

 

Some say you're crazy, some make a flap and

Some just pretend that it never happened

 

But never forget that a hoover's a trap

Devised so you'll stay 

or so that you'll go back

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Huh, so that's what that is. It's really great that there's a word. I imagined that hoovering would be nicer, or less insult-y, not a crazymaking mean word mash. What you wrote makes a lot of sense, that it keeps me thinking about him. 

1 hour ago, Quaddie said:

I know it seems like an impossible thing, to separate yourself from what he says... but try not to take it personally.  Nothing he says or does really has anything to do with you. He never "saw you" as a person in the first place. So nothing he says or does is about you, or what you do or how you are. He doesn't even see you. 

I had this thought a long time ago, that I was seeing what I wanted behind his actions, like that he was being honest and had good intentions and wasn't seeing him, and he wasn't seeing me because he kept attributing all these malicious things to everything I did. If anything negative could possibly be associated with my words he would assume that was the meaning. So we weren't seeing each other at all. Which is sad. During the entire relationship I kept trying to show him who I was so that would see me and he never did, but I see him now.

It's so odd. Thank you for your response. It really helps explain it, which makes it easier to get out of my head. I just have to keep remembering.

I created a mail filter as well now so if anything does get through it goes straight to trash. 

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Oh yes, the everything-you-say-and-do-comes-from-some-malicious-intent trap.

I know that one well. :-\   It can drive a person crazy. Make you beg and plead and scream and shout and dissolve into a puddle on the floor with desperate tears, pleading that's not who I am! if you'd only SEE!  

But they never will.  They create an apparition of a non-person.

And you're right - we tend to apply normal attributes onto them. But it's not because we're deficient, it's because we're normal and we think other people are, too. It's hard to wrap the brain around the way their minds work. 

 

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Hey, good for you! And you sent him a message at least, that's something! You made a decision that you had every right to make, you told him about it, and that should have been the end of the story. It's his own problem that he doesn't respect your decision.

 

I got lots of guilt and blame after I ended things too - and that was after 3 DAYS of trying to have an adult conversation about how I wanted out of the relationship. What kind of person was I, he missed work he was so devastated, how do I sleep at night, I didn't know how to have a relationship, I was just looking for any reason to break up and blaming him was a defense mechanism, blah blah blah. So you see, no way of breaking up is appropriate with them, regular relationship etiquette just doesn't translate. It is impossible to reason with them or have respectful discourse. So do not beat yourself up about breaking up over text.  I felt the exact same way as you: over the course of the relationship I tried and tried to explain myself, share my feelings,  share who I was, what I needed and ask for respect, but they just can't see, or won't see. They see something else in you - in my case I was an extension of himself, literally his other half, so all my negative emotions were a deep personal betrayal. They create a persona that suits their views and put it on you. It's so frustrating and eventually it wears you down.  It's so unbelievable how they ALL use the same techniques, isn't it!? 

You did the right thing for yourself. You gave him, and the relationship, more than a fair chance, and you recognized it wasn't what you needed. That takes a lot of courage and I commend you! It might be really difficult the first little while, but it will get easier :) I am 10 days No Contact and it does get better. We're here for you!

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6 hours ago, Melinoe said:

I felt the exact same way as you: over the course of the relationship I tried and tried to explain myself, share my feelings,  share who I was, what I needed and ask for respect, but they just can't see, or won't see. They see something else in you - in my case I was an extension of himself, literally his other half, so all my negative emotions were a deep personal betrayal. They create a persona that suits their views and put it on you. It's so frustrating and eventually it wears you down.  It's so unbelievable how they ALL use the same techniques, isn't it!? 

Whenever I would tell him how I needed respect, he would respond by saying something like: and my need for respect doesn't matter?!!!!! It was constant. The stuff they say is unbelievable. How do they learn to do this? It IS amazing that they all use the same techniques. I think I was his container for his short comings, bad feelings and mistakes. It seems like he wanted me to cary it around for him. I oscillate between feeling guilty and feeling angry about the way I was treated.

Good for you! 

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I was the punching bag for all his bad feelings and anger over everything that had nothing to do with me whatsoever.

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OMG institutionalised. Boy, can he over react!

Yes a text is appropriate because he stood you up for dinner without explanation. If anyone says anything to you, let them know when you stand someone up and then blow it up in your face a text is an appropriate way to break up. Sorry but the drama is not attractive and you need stability. You are allowed to break up with anyone you want to. If it's not right then it will not work. 

You do not have to go into details. My EX-used the details to try and hurt me worse than trying to understand how he hurt me. I would say you need to respect and trust me. I said it was over and you still do not hear respect or trust me. Let me say it again IT'S OVER. Now respect how I feel. 

The lead foot of I'm done with you! 

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