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Melinoe

"Early Warning Signs"

49 posts in this topic

Oh yeah. That reminds me. Abuse can also be an abdication/refusal of participation/control in things that impact you both - and force you to shoulder the burden (which should be shared) - alone.

That's a tricky one, but it happened to me. It was hard to define as abuse, in my case it was financial abuse.  And the house stuff. 

Restaurants. I had a very va exbf where - we went to a diner-type restaurant. I had a few issues - the salad dressing wasn't advertised as nonfat but it was (they'd changed it), and I didn't like it so I requested a different salad dressing. I had, like, a dirty fork so I asked her to bring me a different one - and then there was something else that happened like that.

My very va exbf said, with a smile and a smirk like he was "joking" - "Do you realize that's the third thing you've complained about?"

Like *I* was wrong and a nasty beyotch. But I wasn't nasty about any of it. I was nice, I just asked the waitress to correct them as they came up. Nothing was a big issue. So why rag on ME about it like I was horrible?

That kind of thing. 

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2 hours ago, Quaddie said:

Oh yeah. That reminds me. Abuse can also be an abdication/refusal of participation/control in things that impact you both - and force you to shoulder the burden (which should be shared) - alone.

That's a tricky one, but it happened to me. It was hard to define as abuse, in my case it was financial abuse.  And the house stuff. 

Hmm yes... I see what you are saying.

I always felt weird that my ex was putting the onus on me to do certain things that I would never ask him to do if our situations were reversed. Like I was supposed to be moving to his country, but he wanted me to get the paperwork, fill it out, find the immigration attorney, make the appointments and phone calls. He wanted me to find us a home, in a place I knew nothing about. If he had been leaving his life to be with me, I would have felt it was my job to make arrangements and take care of things, because I was in a position of more privilege. He didn't seem to feel that way. Of course he spun it in such a way as to both talk me up and avoid responsibility: I was smarter and more capable, he was too dumb to figure it out, I wasn't working and had more time than him, he trusted me to handle it. So I felt I had to do it, and thought maybe if I was a different kind of person this would feel better and more fun.... but I kept thinking, shouldn't we be doing this together? 

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My ex never took responsibility for anything.

certainly he would like me to ask for my keys or my brace so he can tell me how it's all my fault. And it's not.

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I remember when I wanted to apply for a Green Card to work in the states because I live a mile from the border and he is an American so I figured he could sponsor me or whatever it is they do and he says "Well go and find out what you have to do and let me know." He never once showed any interest or desire to be involved to help me.

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Red flags or warning signs in the very beginning.

Talking about me as if I was a major part of his life before we were even together. 

Talking about his exes excessively.

Saying his ex had been abusive.

Being jealous and agressive if I spoke to any man, even if they were obviously friends.

Also my gut feelings. My gut feeling said I shouldn't have gotten involved with him - I knew the future would not be good with him. I was vulnerable and had difficulty trusting my perceptions.

I trust em now :)

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If they think privacy equals secrecy. If they insist you share your private things with them. Things like social media or emails. Or even showers, or boxes of mementos from the past, or your diary.  They may make it seem reasonable and logical - "after all, a relationship is about trust" -  but in reality this is a huge boundary violation and control tactic. If they're the jealous type (which they often are), it doesn't soothe their fears or "prove" that you're not straying. It just gives them fodder to crap more on you. It's a blazing red flag.

 

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4 hours ago, Quaddie said:

If they think privacy equals secrecy. If they insist you share your private things with them. Things like social media or emails. Or even showers, or boxes of mementos from the past, or your diary.  They may make it seem reasonable and logical - "after all, a relationship is about trust" -  but in reality this is a huge boundary violation and control tactic. If they're the jealous type (which they often are), it doesn't soothe their fears or "prove" that you're not straying. It just gives them fodder to crap more on you. It's a blazing red flag.

 

Okay, another big one I missed. It did seem so logical and reasonable..... I secretly hated taking showers together. It was so annoying. I realize now how much reflecting and thinking I do in the shower. I couldn't do that if someone else was there. 

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The shower is like sacred space to me.  

My very va exbf had a shower with no privacy (glass open to the bathroom,  and no bathroom door in the master suite). It creeped me out. I don't want to be seen doing certain things in the shower.  And i like to just enjoy it. He was really f'd up. Pathologically jealous.

 

I guess the moral of the story is, anything that makes a person uncomfortable. We tend to wrongly override that sense,  but it's your life and your body and you get to choose what to do with it. Anyone who tries to coerce you (no matter how logical it seems) into things you're not comfortable with does not respect you as a person, imo.

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Never give a straight answer, talk in riddles.

Ask if it bothered me if he talked about exes and I answer Yes and he still continued to do it.

Talk about how "hot" other women were.

Complete over involvement with ex wife and say it's because of his son who is 48 so he can have a relationship with him and that I didn't want him to have a relationship with his son.

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3 hours ago, Quaddie said:

I guess the moral of the story is, anything that makes a person uncomfortable. We tend to wrongly override that sense,  but it's your life and your body and you get to choose what to do with it. Anyone who tries to coerce you (no matter how logical it seems) into things you're not comfortable with does not respect you as a person, imo.

This is the perfect summary. I think it's the only thing you need to know in order to stay out of abusive relationships. 

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6 hours ago, Quaddie said:

The shower is like sacred space to me.  

My very va exbf had a shower with no privacy (glass open to the bathroom,  and no bathroom door in the master suite). It creeped me out. I don't want to be seen doing certain things in the shower.  And i like to just enjoy it. He was really f'd up. Pathologically jealous.

 

I guess the moral of the story is, anything that makes a person uncomfortable. We tend to wrongly override that sense,  but it's your life and your body and you get to choose what to do with it. Anyone who tries to coerce you (no matter how logical it seems) into things you're not comfortable with does not respect you as a person, imo.

 

3 hours ago, Kanga said:

This is the perfect summary. I think it's the only thing you need to know in order to stay out of abusive relationships. 

Yes. Yes. you are both so right. Why is that so hard to spot and enforce for me? Well, I need to get that book on boundaries and start practicing, that's for sure. 

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I have to admit to having a boyfriend with whom shared showers were wonderful. Not so with Eeyore though. Some people can share a shower and still give you your space and others get in your space no matter where they are.

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I meant forcing non-privacy in showers. On occasion I've shared with my current bf. But with the one I was talking about, he didn't allow privacy. It's different.

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--Crappy friends.  His social circle was full of people he felt 'better than.'

--He was a great kisses but a terrible, terrible lover.  Hardly any foreplay and after awhile he never kissed me.

 

--Over the top.  

--

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A few months into marriage - i lost my job,  was very upset about the circumstances. I went to him sobbing for a hug. I stood against him and put my arms around.

He just stood there,  arms at his side, cold and unbending and ungiving.

Someone who will not try to comfort toy is bad, bad news,  imo.

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On 3/2/2017 at 5:54 AM, Betty said:

Talking about his exes excessively.

Saying his ex had been abusive

 

On 3/2/2017 at 1:39 PM, Fluffyflea said:

Talk about how "hot" other women were.

 

On 3/9/2017 at 5:33 PM, Quaddie said:

Someone who will not try to comfort toy is bad, bad news,  imo.

All of these. Constantly telling me how hot his exes were. Telling me that his exes did *more* for him sexually, but he had never made it clear what it was that he wanted, even though I had asked repeatedly, and when I told him this really hurt my feelings and I was starting to believe he was wishing I was someone else I got silence. I felt rejected to my very core and so thoroughly humiliated. Still, Silence

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I remember when I told him I was in love with him and he said "I know." and then said nothing else.

I never said it to him again.

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Giving no credence to my concerns, wants, needs.  

getting upset with me for my insistence that we purchase a new refrigerator we needed instead of the fishing boat he wanted.  He had the right to be upset, he did NOT have the right to say sure darci, I will let the kids STARVE so we can buy you a new fridge we don't even NEED (ours hadn't yet crapped out but was on its way so I just went along with him).  

No compromising ever.  What he wanted all the time, and it was what "he thought i wanted, he did it for me after all". Pfft

Procrastinating on anything I wanted.

making me work for everything I wanted, andnjustify and explain and defend everything I wanted, for instance in order to get the new refrigerator, we had to repair the kitchen floor and to do that we had To have the electric socket re wired, and in order to do that we had to have the driveway sealed.  I don't remember exactly the sequence of events that had to happen to get the fridge delivered, but that's the gist of it.

giving silent treatment but blaming me for giving it to him

always, always, always late for our dates. When I mentioned it upset me, he blamed my mother for putting ideas in my head.  Wtf???

gut feelings.....I was apprehensive about being with him forever, not excited.

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On 4/23/2017 at 8:16 PM, Darci said:

Giving no credence to my concerns, wants, needs.... When I mentioned it upset me, he blamed my mother for putting ideas in my head.  

Good one Darci! This was something that started happening for me near the end! He actually asked me a couple times if my friends, my therapist, or someone else was influencing me. He didn't seem to believe that I could be having these thoughts of my own accord. I was misunderstanding, making assumptions, being influenced by someone else, it "wasn't the real Melinoe" speaking, I didn't know what normal was, etc etc etc. It was so diminishing and alienating. Huge red flag. 

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On 4/24/2017 at 1:16 PM, Darci said:

gut feelings.....I was apprehensive about being with him forever, not excited.

My lightbulb moment came when he wanted us to renew our vows - the prospect scared me to death and when I very tentatively told him that I "was a bit hesitant" about that idea (understatement of the century) he exploded and that's when it all started for me.   All the years of being controlled and all the verbal abuse did not spur me on to action the way that episode did.     

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On 4/25/2017 at 11:28 PM, Melinoe said:

Good one Darci! This was something that started happening for me near the end! He actually asked me a couple times if my friends, my therapist, or someone else was influencing me. He didn't seem to believe that I could be having these thoughts of my own accord. I was misunderstanding, making assumptions, being influenced by someone else, it "wasn't the real Melinoe" speaking, I didn't know what normal was, etc etc etc. It was so diminishing and alienating. Huge red flag. 

Yes this for me too! It's always someone else I must be listening to or influenced by. Sometimes things were my fault but then it was all those horrible people who were bad influences. He once said that he bet my therapist would agree with him on something and I was like actually no...no she wouldn't.

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6 hours ago, clurichaun said:

Yes this for me too! It's always someone else I must be listening to or influenced by. Sometimes things were my fault but then it was all those horrible people who were bad influences. He once said that he bet my therapist would agree with him on something and I was like actually no...no she wouldn't.

omg, the ex said something eerily similar to me too...one minute he thought my therapist was putting ideas in my head, the next he was sure she would be on his side. I remember he wanted me to show her our text messages, because he thought she would tell me I was the issue, or that I was being unreasonable, and I thought "oh boy, I know exactly what she'd say if she saw these...and it would not go well for you". 

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Because they don't see you as an individual human being, capable of independent thought or motivation or drive. Therefore, you are like a sapling in the wind, bending and swaying this way and that according to whoever whispers the most effectively into your ear. 

 

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It's gotten so bad that in therapy when she asks me if I remember what he or I said in a particular instance I start panicking. Because he always demands things like that and if I answer wrong or change my answer or don't remember or don't know then I'm a liar, or hiding something. She pointed out that I kept giving him excuses for the things he does. I use empathy to explain his actions and she pointed out that I then apologize and feel guilty for everything I do and put other people first.

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