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whitebutterfly11

Brilliant Article on Covert Narcissism

10 posts in this topic

This is particularly validating if you're dealing with an abuser who presents as a good person and you can't really put a finger on why something feels off.

http://spartanlifecoach.com/covert-narcissistic-abuse-unmasked/

This was the first article I've read that made me stop and say: "that's it! That fits what I'm dealing with!"

When abuse is underhanded and insidious, it feels impossible to sort through the confusion and see the truth. And it is especially hard with abusers who wear a mask of humility, good works, and niceness, who are "pillars in the community", like the article explained. It's only in the small, subtle nuances when you see this person's mask fall a little and their true character emerge. But it's hard to pinpoint.

If you're dealing with this stealthy kind of abuser, please know you are NOT crazy! You are not imagining things. Those "off" feelings are real and are trustworthy.

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whitebutterfly11

I am glad this article validated what you have been going through. That is great!!! :)

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I DEALT with an overt Narcissist with a huge insecurity disorder.

As I was reading that article my anxiety was rising so I see I need a lot of time to recover from this.

What a Nut Job.

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I found the Spartan Life Coach very helpful. The covert part defines mine nicely.

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Yes Spartan Life Coach is very helpful.

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I hope it's okay that I share what I'm learning here. Knowledge has been a huge validator for me in processing what is going on, since it's hard for me to touch base with how I feel when I'm numb all of the time. 

The abuser I deal with says and does all of the "right" things, has a humble and helpful public image, does anything for anyone outside of the home, and even discusses the way other people feel and process as if he had loads of empathy. However, he is completely checked out from everything but his electronics at home and/or gets easily impatient and upset at son. He gets bored easily. Doesn't seem to get people on deep levels. And yet, he presents as very emotionally aware. So I get confused. 

 

 

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This is helpful. Thank you.

Mine is like this too. He's a social worker. Quiet, soft spoken, introverted. It's SO confusing. He can read the slightest emotion change in me yet he doesn't seem to notice my pain when it's his words that hurt me. I guess unless that's the goal. To hurt me. It's just so hard to understand why he would do that. He seems so nice sometimes. He does the checked out thing too. His parents are old and somewhat close to death yet when we have dinner with them, he gets bored and starts reading the news on his phone, even when they're trying to talk to him. Then when we get home he talks about how upset he is that they're so sick. It's unbelievable.

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On 2/11/2017 at 4:57 PM, whitebutterfly11 said:

I hope it's okay that I share what I'm learning here. Knowledge has been a huge validator for me in processing what is going on, since it's hard for me to touch base with how I feel when I'm numb all of the time. 

The abuser I deal with says and does all of the "right" things, has a humble and helpful public image, does anything for anyone outside of the home, and even discusses the way other people feel and process as if he had loads of empathy. However, he is completely checked out from everything but his electronics at home and/or gets easily impatient and upset at son. He gets bored easily. Doesn't seem to get people on deep levels. And yet, he presents as very emotionally aware. So I get confused. 

 

 

Whitebutterfly, I totally understand! I think I am dealing with the same thing, and it is so confusing! When someone acts emotionally aware and empathetic but then whenever you tell them about your pain, they start blaming, discrediting, crazymaking. And you're thinking why don't they get me the way they get other people? Why aren't they understanding me? Maybe they are right, because they obviously DO know how to communicate in a caring healthy way with others, just not me! So it MUST be me!

 

I also get how learning and validating your experience through knowledge is helpful. I have just entered this phase myself (I think). 

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22 hours ago, Vickeee said:

This is helpful. Thank you.

Mine is like this too. He's a social worker. Quiet, soft spoken, introverted. It's SO confusing. He can read the slightest emotion change in me yet he doesn't seem to notice my pain when it's his words that hurt me. I guess unless that's the goal. To hurt me. It's just so hard to understand why he would do that. He seems so nice sometimes. He does the checked out thing too. His parents are old and somewhat close to death yet when we have dinner with them, he gets bored and starts reading the news on his phone, even when they're trying to talk to him. Then when we get home he talks about how upset he is that they're so sick. It's unbelievable.

omg Vickeee it's like you are describing my relationship too. Yes, yes. He can read my shift in emotions and starts after me with "what's wrong, what's wrong," but when I blatantly tell them "I am hurt by what you said/did" he can't handle that and explodes, or is totally uncaring. 

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Spartin life coach is my friend on Facebook. Woop Woop he rocks!!! 

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