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Darci

Forgetting?

7 posts in this topic

Hi all,

youve all been so helpful and I have another question.  

My h has been in one of his moods.....that is, I basically can do nothing right.....anyway, I had about had it even though I didn't say anything and I swear he senses that.  

Earlier in the day I said, if you take an easy walk tomorrow, I would go along.  He said nothing.  Not even an acknowledgement I spoke.  So I said, did you hear me?  He said, yeah, you said you would go along if I take an easy walk tomorrow.  That's it!  He didn't say ok, he didn't say I'd love you to go along, just repeated the question.  So I figured he didn't want me along, no problem as I know he walks for exercise and walks hard, but he could have said something, anything.  But I figured he's in a mood so I let it go.

but he keeps picking and poking and sort of nonspecifically antagonizing, and I finally got fed up and just sat there not really talking to him.

So after a while of me just minding my own business and working on a cross stitch, he said, "what's the matter with you now??"

i was floored.  I said I am tired and a little sore (recent surgery).

Ii thought about it and finally said, you know you could talk nicer to me, and be a little more caring.  He said he is caring.  I mentioned the example of not answering when I said about the walk.  He said, he was immediately thinking of where he could walk so I could go along.  I said I didn't know that, you said nothing.  He said he doesn't remember not saying anything.

then I mentioned the what's the matter with you now question.  He didn't remember that either,  I said you don't think you could have asked me nicer.  Oh yeah, he remembers asking, but he was just asking how I was feeling.  He was being caring,  I said that wasn't caring, that was demanding,  he doesn't remember that but he's sorry.

i said you're not sorry if you don't even remember dong it, nor re you sorry if you ink you were being nice!  And I asked him if he's ever asked  a buddy how he is like that.  He doesn't remember any of this stuff I brought up.

how can he not remember?  Does he not remember?  is he clueless?  Or is he lying and trying to not be accountable?  I mean come on, how do you not remember when you were nasty, even if you try to pass it off as not nasty,  I'm not that sensitive, ladies, I let an awful lot of snapping go.

i asked him if he's being intentionally mean or if he just takes me so much for granted that he feels he doesn't have to be nice to me.  He actually got upset about being accused of taking me for granted.  It was really weird how that bothered him, I think maybe his ex wife might have accused him of taking her for granted.  

then he said he's trying to keep me active so I don't deteriorate.  Are you freaking serious dude?  I said, have you ever known me to NOT exercise?  I did well with this surgery but I am supposed to rest, not overdo it, and I haven't been laying around lazy and doing nothing but he acts like I have.  

I just don't think he was being caring,  I think he was being an insensitive jerk.

cripes. I'm so upset, now today he's being nice,

Any thoughts?

darci

 

 

 

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3 hours ago, Darci said:

Or is he lying and trying to not be accountable?

Mine was a King of that. It's one of their biggest moves, the big jerks. They act so sincere they make you believe them, the big liars. 

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So sorry you're going through this! Is he like this a lot?

Thats all sorts of games in one conversation. Sounds very like my relationship - lots of really crazy making behaviour that's not so blatantly awful that you can pin down exactly what they are up to. Rather, lots and lots of little shocks. And nothing you do fixes anything. Used to drive me really nuts.

Reading Patricia Evans the Verbally Abusive Relationship really helped me understand games they play to wind us up. And how we are coming from a torally different place too. 

Wish you well

 

 

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He's not forgetting so much as gaslighting. :(

They are so good at pretending they don't know what they're doing, but unless he had a neurological condition which makes him forget things frequently, then it's not his memory that is the problem. 

He thinks that if he conveniently "forgets" what he did wrong, then it's as if it never happened in the first place. If he can convince you that he forgot, or that it never happened, then you'll scratch your head about it (like he wants you to) instead of getting rightfully mad at him for being an arse. So really, it's a blame-shifting tactic. And that's what gaslighting is all about, is trying to take your focus away from what is really wrong (his behavior). Denying the abuse. Minimizing the abuse. Taking attention off of the abuse. These are his patterns, and I believe he's very conscious of them, otherwise he wouldn't be trying so hard to deny them all.

In essence, he's not telling the truth. He's being deceptive. Pretending to be this forgetful person who blindly goes off saying hurtful things and doing hurtful things. Yet, my suspicion is that he probably has a keen sense of remembering when it comes to things you do that he doesn't happen to like, right? :( So his argument that he's not remembering the mean things he's saying or doing doesn't hold enough weight if he remembers other things just fine. Which means he's deliberately lying. Which is unacceptable and so, so abusive. I think another meaning of gaslighting is simply lying. Abusers lie to you, lie to themselves, lie to everyone else, all in an attempt to control you and to create a reality for you that is based on deception. Then turn around and project blame and hurt onto you when you start standing up for it, because they love this false reality they've created.

I have to say, Darci, I am so glad that you are standing up to him and questioning him. I'd keep doing that (as long as you are safe . . . please be careful). The more you call him out on his crap the less power he has. The more you question his motives, the more the truth will keep coming out.

It's sad that we have to look at our H's as untrustworthy, and we have to question everything they say or do or don't do, all because they have proved one too many times that they aren't who they say they are.

I think this can be the worst kind of abuse to sort through because of how much it off-centers your reality--but you are doing it!

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I don't think he is deliberately denying that he remembered things that happened. I think it simply does not register with him how he speaks to you because there is no empathy.  And because that is his normal state of mind he genuinely does not remember,  because to him these interactions are both unremarkable and not relevant enough to be remembered. That this happens again and again even when you bring it up is a sign he's not interested in improving anything, but that's a different matter. 

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On 2017-02-03 at 7:38 PM, Darci said:

Hi all,

youve all been so helpful and I have another question.  

My h has been in one of his moods.....that is, I basically can do nothing right.....anyway, I had about had it even though I didn't say anything and I swear he senses that.  

Earlier in the day I said, if you take an easy walk tomorrow, I would go along.  He said nothing.  Not even an acknowledgement I spoke.  So I said, did you hear me?  He said, yeah, you said you would go along if I take an easy walk tomorrow.  That's it!  He didn't say ok, he didn't say I'd love you to go along, just repeated the question.  So I figured he didn't want me along, no problem as I know he walks for exercise and walks hard, but he could have said something, anything.  But I figured he's in a mood so I let it go.

but he keeps picking and poking and sort of nonspecifically antagonizing, and I finally got fed up and just sat there not really talking to him.

So after a while of me just minding my own business and working on a cross stitch, he said, "what's the matter with you now??"

i was floored.  I said I am tired and a little sore (recent surgery).

Ii thought about it and finally said, you know you could talk nicer to me, and be a little more caring.  He said he is caring.  I mentioned the example of not answering when I said about the walk.  He said, he was immediately thinking of where he could walk so I could go along.  I said I didn't know that, you said nothing.  He said he doesn't remember not saying anything.

then I mentioned the what's the matter with you now question.  He didn't remember that either,  I said you don't think you could have asked me nicer.  Oh yeah, he remembers asking, but he was just asking how I was feeling.  He was being caring,  I said that wasn't caring, that was demanding,  he doesn't remember that but he's sorry.

i said you're not sorry if you don't even remember dong it, nor re you sorry if you ink you were being nice!  And I asked him if he's ever asked  a buddy how he is like that.  He doesn't remember any of this stuff I brought up.

how can he not remember?  Does he not remember?  is he clueless?  Or is he lying and trying to not be accountable?  I mean come on, how do you not remember when you were nasty, even if you try to pass it off as not nasty,  I'm not that sensitive, ladies, I let an awful lot of snapping go.

i asked him if he's being intentionally mean or if he just takes me so much for granted that he feels he doesn't have to be nice to me.  He actually got upset about being accused of taking me for granted.  It was really weird how that bothered him, I think maybe his ex wife might have accused him of taking her for granted.  

then he said he's trying to keep me active so I don't deteriorate.  Are you freaking serious dude?  I said, have you ever known me to NOT exercise?  I did well with this surgery but I am supposed to rest, not overdo it, and I haven't been laying around lazy and doing nothing but he acts like I have.  

I just don't think he was being caring,  I think he was being an insensitive jerk.

cripes. I'm so upset, now today he's being nice,

Any thoughts?

darci

 

Yes, my thought is its just a constant mind screw with them and there is no sense in trying to make sense of nonsense.

On 2017-02-03 at 7:38 PM, Darci said:

 

 

 

 

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Hi there. I also think it's lying. Mine does this all the time.

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. I know how maddening it can be.

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