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Betty

Leap of faith!

33 posts in this topic

On 16/02/2017 at 0:21 AM, SMB73 said:

That must be really hard.  I can't imagine not having the support of   your family and  friends.  In my  case, the domestic violence organizations haven't been really helpful as  they  tend to deal with more physical violence which he has never done. 

My dad is  hates my ex  and  both my parents would rather me be alone than with someone who treats me with disrespect. 

 

This seems like a great place  to  talk to people who get it and at least you have the people here. 

 

 

 

Thanks :)

I can honestly say it is so so painful. 

But I have faced it and am going to do my damnedest to improve my situation in life.

I want to enjoy as much of the life I have left as I can. 

Very best to you :)

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On 16/02/2017 at 2:59 PM, Melinoe said:

Betty i'm so glad you found this forum. Everyone here is so supportive! It's  an amazing feeling to finally be told that your feelings are valid and you deserve to feel better in a relationship!! 

 

Thanks Melinoe :)

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On 19/02/2017 at 10:52 PM, whitebutterfly11 said:

Freedom from abuse starts with all of those steps you've just listed. It's a culmination of processing, learning, planning, gathering courage, and deciding that we are worth rescuing ourselves.

Would it help to list some things you've been through with abuse? (If you're comfortable.)

I can understand about lack of support from parents and community. I've had a monumental lack of support, mainly in the form of glazing over my abuse and telling me I'm too sensitive. The guilt this has caused in me has been hard to overcome, and I'm still working through it, but it's not as strong now. At some point I realized this was something I would have to face alone, and have come to terms with that. It has helped to have a supportive therapist and this place to come to when I need help.

What you've been through deserves a voice! Please feel welcome to share here and we will offer validation. 

 

 

Thanks much White Butterfly :)

I think I recognise that is something I'm going to have to do alone also so it's really something to hear you are managing your way through doing that also. Reckon you might be helluva strong butterfly <3

~Would it help to list some things you've been through with abuse?~

Childhood neglect, physical and sexual abuse. Bullying and Ostracism. I don't remember a kind word from anyone from age 11 till 15. Only abuse bullying or ostracism.

Theme repeated in adult life with sexual assault, abusive relationships, and being blamed for not coping brilliantly at the same time as no one wanting to hear why.

It took a hell of a lot of pain and rejection and being let down for me to get to the point of deciding to rescue myself. I'm glad I got there but theres lots of muxed feelings too -

- sometimes feel stupid for not having realised earlier 

- at the same time feel I have done the best I could with a v difficult start

- still feel like I am stuck in a swamp in a big way, and worry about getting sucked back in

- part of me doesn't want to just forgive and forget having lived through so much trauma, and having received so little support from those who are supposed to care 

- at the same time I absolutely do not want to become a bitter resentful person

- part of me suspects I might be able to learn to make much better friends and relationships as I learn to care better for myself though...

Thanks for asking :) Appreciate it

Took me a while to be able to come back to say something.

Very best to you on your journey also <3

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On 26/02/2017 at 4:58 AM, Starshine said:

Betty I am sorry that you have gone through this but I am glad to meet you. I am so sorry that these counselors that so many of the people here have gone to were not worth a hill of beans. I am going to school to get my degree and domestic violence counselor is the field I have chosen. I have been through this and I know what they have been going through. If a counselor has never been abused either verbally or physically then they have no clue what you are talking about. I think I will make a very good counselor because I have been there. I hope someday I can be of help to someone like me.

Thanks Starshine, 

Good for you :)

And having been through a few therapists who just didn't seem to understand at all I really think you are right! 

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You can move on and not be bitter/resentful and not "forgive and forget."  My perspective isn't necessarily the "popular" one but I don't believe it's necessary to forgive, and I definitely think it's unhealthy to forget.  By not forgiving/forgetting doesn't mean you live your life bitter/resentful. It's possible to acknowledge and be aware of the impact without it holding sway over your every moment. And feeling pain is not the same as "bitter/resentful" (which is construed as "bad"/wrong).  It's okay to feel however you feel.

 

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Hi Quaddie, you're right I think that it's not necessary to be bitter / resentful. Perhaps I didn't explain myself well.

I found myself spending more and more time feeling that way last year. For some reason I've been able to let go of that quite substantially this year. 

Which I'm really relieved about. It's not 'me' to be that way. And its a painful way to live too. 

Being let down by friends and family as well as therapists and dv workers hurt so deeply and was so frightening. Kind of left me feeling there was nowhere to turn. 

I think the last few months I've been flipping between the keen hurt of that / feeling bitter and resentful / dissociating

I agree too, I think to forgive or not is the decision of the aggrieved and no one else. 

I guess I keep telling myself that in the future I might be able to have some better friends, therapists etc. 

Once I've made better friends with myself maybe

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I think you're aware of it and so it's just something that you "feel." Something that you'll go through until it dissipates.

Also I think it heaps a sort of trauma on top of trauma when your supports don't support you, so that adds exponentially to all of it.

Yes, it helps to be better friends with the self, but also I think it's a sort of vicious circle and it helps THAT if one can have  people who validate you at all. For me, I mean I guess I was lucky in the sense that a lot of my validation came from people I'd met online in chat rooms (we're going wayyyyyyyyback) rather than in-person. I lived my whole married life without having a single friend - like 14 years in a place that was foreign to me, full of allegedly "nice" people who were very, very different from me and very unaccepting of who I was. Just before I left - I was working part-time, and I'd gotten friendly with another gal there, who actually could have been a friend. When I told her I was leaving (I moved out of the area), she actually cried because she, too, felt very alone there, and had said "I finally find someone I can relate to, and you're leaving." :(    I never forgot that, even though it was a billion years ago.

Aside from that, I had only my online validators (just a couple), and my father.
There's all sorts of advice out there about "finding" friends or "making" friends. Personally I don't believe it's necessarily that easy. You just kind of fall into them. Then it becomes something wrong with "you" (pressure from society) that you don't make friends. Then it becomes self-hating more. And on and on and on.

I get my validation wherever I can find it. Sometimes I have to consciously reach into memory about specific people. (I'm going through yet another tough, gaslighting mindfvck with people I spend all day with so it's difficult.) I'm a bit of a weirdo, I guess. I don't need a big circle of friends, but it's nice to know people "get" you and don't think you're horrible, in the face of when others with "authority" are insisting you're an 433hole.

Yes, I think in the future you'll be able to have better friends and therapists because you'll be able to sort out more quickly who isn't healthy for you. But try not to feel bad. I stuck it out for a long time with a counselor who didn't "get" me because she was all I had and I was going through a horrible, horrible time. In the end she turned really bad on me and it became obvious I had to quit. I can only take comfort in a memory of one counselor who truly DID "get" me. And like I said, I'm a weirdo so that's not an easy task.

I think it takes a long time and a lot of external circumstances to counteract the negative input one has received, to really be able to internalize feeling friendly with oneself. It's a back-and-forth with me all the time, especially because I keep encountering overwhelming forces (like I said) that are trying to convince me that I'm horrible.  I get ptsd from it - there was a horrific situation a few years ago I was just starting to come out of, and now it's seriously, intensely retriggered.  That's just what happens I guess. It's hard but it's a form of "normal" in terms of human reaction.

So anyway. I guess it's just a process, yeah. Still, it seems like you're aware and working through it, so try not to feel bad about the way in which you feel bad. 

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Betty

Thank you and I hope you can start feeling stronger and less afraid. I know this can take awhile and it helps to have support. I have been telling my friend more about my life and she is now more supportive about me leaving my husband. Hugs

 

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