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Betty

Leap of faith!

20 posts in this topic

Hi everyone. 

I've been in an emotionally or verbally abusive relationship, for around 15 years. I will be able to leave him sometime this year and just knowing that is the best thing that's happened to me for years.

When I try to make sense of what I've gone through, there's just so much bizarre stuff and so much pain that I really don't know where to begin.

I think though one of the most painful things has been not really being believed for such a very long time.

I hope maybe I might be able to start that process somewhat here.

Love to all who can relate.

 

 

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Welcome Betty!

I'm sorry you've dealt with abuse for so long in your life, but glad you're finding that way out!

Please feel welcome to post and process here, if you're comfortable. We're here to listen and offer encouragement. It can be hard to unearth it all and look at the reality of what we've lived, but it can also be healing. I think there's always something healing about seeing the truth in its raw form. 

(((Hugs)))

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Betty.........welcome!

All of us here have suffered through some sort of abuse and you will find many who can relate to your situation.  Recognizing what has happened and moving forward with a plan is HUGE and we celebrate your plan to be abuse-free!

So..............bring it on!  We're here to listen, support and encourage..............and validate!

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It is painful to face up to what you've been going through, but a necessary part of doing something about it.

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Thanks for the welcome :)

I don't know, but I think maybe having wanted to talk all of this out for so many years. And having gotten nowhere for so many years has built up and built up. 

Even though I can see clearly what's happened a lot of the time. Maybe spreading things has become too automatic. 

Also, I guess opening up to others is hard cause I've not been believed so often!

I guess I can take one step at a time here. I can already tell that people here are very likely to get just what I'm talking about. 

Which is great actually. A relief :)

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Welcome Betty,

I was in a toxic marriage for 20+ years and I know the feeling. I also know what it's like to not be believed. My ex was so good at his storytelling that many people, including some close family members, fell for his lies and, to this day, do not support me as a single woman because they feel I did him wrong!!! It's a HARD pill to swallow, for sure. But what I have learned is to stand firm in your truth. YOU know the truth. Your feelings are your feelings and you are entitled to feel them. Only you know the truth about what is happening. People outside your home are looking at the book jacket. You're reading the book! If you tell them what is happening it's like they are reading the last 2 pages of the book and thinking they know what the book is about. They still may not get it. 

I was a people pleaser. I sense that you are, too. I worried WAY too much about the opinions of others. I am working to get over that. I was very successful at pleasing others. I bent over backwards to help everybody and do whatever necessary to try to make them like me and depend on me and had lots of friends because of it. So when my marriage tanked and I didn't do what they wanted me to, go back to him--PLEASE THEM--all h*** broke lose. It's been a long hard road to learn to let go of the opinions of others. It's ok to do what's best for you even if it means pi**ing people off. You will learn that your REAL friends will support you, and love you regardless. It makes your circle smaller but those left in your circle are the GOOD ONES who love you unconditionally. It prunes out the fake ones.

Go you YouTube and listen to Inner Integration and Trent Shelton. They inspire me. I started with a therapist who helped show me that I was a people pleaser and helped me start "toughening up" and now I just listen to the YouTube'rs to keep me motivated and going in the right direction. The people I lost, I've gotten a few back though time and good character.  My therapist swore that eventually people will see through the toxic person's lies and it's slow but starting to happen a little. The others who continue to not support me, it's their loss because I'm a great person and they are missing out knowing me and seeing the blessings that are unfolding in my my life. 

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On 2/6/2017 at 11:13 AM, blueskye said:

Welcome Betty,

 The people I lost, I've gotten a few back though time and good character.  My therapist swore that eventually people will see through the toxic person's lies and it's slow but starting to happen a little. The others who continue to not support me, it's their loss because I'm a great person and they are missing out knowing me and seeing the blessings that are unfolding in my my life. 

Blueskye,

Thanks for sharing that! It is so true-people do see through the toxic person.  I was quite startled to find that after I separated from each of my xhs (both-I was a slow learner), people remarked how much happier I seemed, that my xh said and did some awful things (gave me examples) and they were glad I'd decided to divorce him. 

I really found out that I had more friends and support than I had ever dreamed, and that lots of people really valued my friendship.

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Thanks both. It's good to read that you've both come out the other side.

I've found it unbeleivably difficult to reply to this topic again. 

I feel so stuck. Paralyzed almost. 

Hope you can understand.

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Doodied the other day, and it kind of expresses it. Fear and sadness trapped in neat lines..

2017-02-08%2011.24.52_zpsyoyipzgd.jpg 

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People pleasing is an issue. Though I don't want to anymore. It's not something you can just turn off is it. 

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Betty

Welcome,

1 hour ago, Betty said:

People pleasing is an issue. Though I don't want to anymore. It's not something you can just turn off is it. 

It is something I still struggle with about every day. I have gotten better about being assertive. I want to make people feel good and I have learned that sometimes that can end up making me feel bad, and it sounds like you have too.

:hug005:

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Thanks hoping, for sure!

Still feel odd. I've wanted to talk to someone that would understand about this relationship for years and years. 

But I don't feel able to ?!?

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Betty

I understand. I talked about my life for years to a therapist before finding this site. It was difficult for me even to talk to her.

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I tried to talk to my teapot about it. But each time I brought it up she just said nothing.

I tried to talk about it to friends for years.  They told me he was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I tried to tell my Dad. He told me it's very painful being alone. 

I told the domestic violence support worker. Who put me in a class for women who've already left their partners. It was so upsetting. When she realised how upsetting it was for me she contacted me to say they would put me in a class for women who are still in the relationship. I never heard back.

I could go on. 

I decided not to seek help from anyone anymore cause the "help" I've recieved has been too damned painful. 

I decided I will help myself. Build myself up as best I can. Work towards getting away slowly but surely. 

I guess I decided I am going to rescue myself 

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3 hours ago, Betty said:

I tried to talk to my teapot about it. But each time I brought it up she just said nothing.

I tried to talk about it to friends for years.  They told me he was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I tried to tell my Dad. He told me it's very painful being alone. 

I told the domestic violence support worker. Who put me in a class for women who've already left their partners. It was so upsetting. When she realised how upsetting it was for me she contacted me to say they would put me in a class for women who are still in the relationship. I never heard back.

I could go on. 

I decided not to seek help from anyone anymore cause the "help" I've recieved has been too damned painful. 

I decided I will help myself. Build myself up as best I can. Work towards getting away slowly but surely. 

I guess I decided I am going to rescue myself 

Did you mean for this to be poetic? Because it is. I love this post (poem). The last line is beautiful! I hope you journal that.

I took a dry erase marker and wrote on the top of my bathroom mirror, "Be your own hero." Rescue yourself. You got it! 

How are you going to do that? I listen to Dana on a YouTube channel called Thrive After Abuse and I find her VERY encouraging and full of ideas, books, resources, etc for getting healthy whether you stay in your relationship or go or plan to go. Her long videos, I put them on and listen while I cook and do housework. I also like Inner Integration also on YouTube. Trent Shelton has short (3 min or less) videos which are very empowering and encouraging. He's my personal cheerleader! Love him! 

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Betty

I'm sorry to hear what you had to go through with your friends, dad, and the violence support worker. I went to one counselor that I believe told me the wrong information about my family and how to deal with them. I went to another one that told me I should have sex with my husband even though I didn't want to due to his emotional and verbal abuse. I did also have two that were good at helping me. Until recently one of my friends didn't understand why I wasn't happy with my husband. I wonder now if it was because I didn't tell her very much about him. If they understand how abusive he is and still think he is the best thing that happened to you, then they just don't get it. I have a good supportive sister, but she doesn't encourage me to leave. I think she may be afraid if I leave my life may get worse. My friend doesn't encourage me to leave either. Some people on here helped me to see how much they care for me but said it is probably because they don't want to feel guilty if leaving is the wrong decision. Your dad may be trying to help you in his own way. I think he is telling you what he would do from his perspective. This may be because he can't stand to be alone or that he doesn't know how painful an abusive relationship is. Unfortunately, it sounds like to me your domestic violence counselor wasn't a very good one. I am glad that you are determined to find a way to build yourself up and to leave.

 

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Then I decided
Loneliness was an upgrade
And I was correct

 

My attempt at poetry :lol:

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7 hours ago, blueskye said:

Then I decided
Loneliness was an upgrade
And I was correct

 

My attempt at poetry :lol:

Love  this  !!      Although I actually am not that lonely.  I  have several good friends and have gotten closer to a couple of people since coming out about my abuse/ 

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12 hours ago, Betty said:

I tried to talk to my teapot about it. But each time I brought it up she just said nothing.

I tried to talk about it to friends for years.  They told me he was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I tried to tell my Dad. He told me it's very painful being alone. 

I told the domestic violence support worker. Who put me in a class for women who've already left their partners. It was so upsetting. When she realised how upsetting it was for me she contacted me to say they would put me in a class for women who are still in the relationship. I never heard back.

I could go on. 

I decided not to seek help from anyone anymore cause the "help" I've recieved has been too damned painful. 

I decided I will help myself. Build myself up as best I can. Work towards getting away slowly but surely. 

I guess I decided I am going to rescue myself 

That must be really hard.  I can't imagine not having the support of   your family and  friends.  In my  case, the domestic violence organizations haven't been really helpful as  they  tend to deal with more physical violence which he has never done. 

My dad is  hates my ex  and  both my parents would rather me be alone than with someone who treats me with disrespect. 

 

This seems like a great place  to  talk to people who get it and at least you have the people here. 

 

 

 

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Betty i'm so glad you found this forum. Everyone here is so supportive! It's  an amazing feeling to finally be told that your feelings are valid and you deserve to feel better in a relationship!! 

 

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