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Reenie605

Need some help - losing it

12 posts in this topic

I've never written a thing like this before but i am having a very hard time.  I feel like I'm losing my mind.  I feel like I might throw up.  

He argued with me this morning and I didn't stand for it.  I argued back.  Got to work and opened some of my mail from home and found out about a problem with our mortgage.  Now I have to tell him about it.  We're having money trouble and of course it is always because of me.  I literally think I might pass out.  I can't take any more of this.  i'm trying to hold it together because I'm at work but I feel like crawling under my desk and crying.  The thought of what I'm going to go through later is making me sick.  and because my daughter is away at college my son won't have anyone to go to when he hears his father freaking out.  It scares him.  

I know i am stronger than this.  but right now i'm falling apart.  I'm wondering if i missed a dose of my depression medication.  There are times when I'm strong and can take it but i don't feel like that today.  there is so much that is wrong.  i can't do this anymore i really can't do this anymore.  I'm not even a person anymore.  i need to try to make myself strong before i get home for my son's sake.  i just want to close my eyes and sleep and make it all go away.  

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Reenie 605....................I'm so sorry you're having such a rough day!!  Take a moment to breathe and focus and calm yourself.  

First.............is the mortgage issue really your fault??  Just yours??  Are the money problems really your fault.........all yours??  Remember, you only have control over what you can control and if this is a couple's issue then you can't own it all.

Second...........what are you afraid he will do??  Will he yell, scream, curse, break things, hit you, etc.??  Do you have a plan if he escalates??  Is that plan to leave the house or call the police??

Third..............who are your "go to" people to talk to when you are afraid and fearful??  There is wisdom in other counsel on financial and marital matters.  Are you seeing a counselor??  

Fourth..........medications...............it's not unusual to be taking both an antidepressant and an anti-anxiety.  If you are having these issues, you may want to check in with your physician again and give him/her an update on your situation.

Fifth..........plan ahead for your son...............can he spend the night with friends so you can have privacy??

You are strong............you just have been overwhelmed at the moment.  You are allowed!  And..........you can find the power and the resources to get through today......and then another day..........until you can make a plan for what you want to do with your life.

 

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This is how I felt as I neared separation. I just couldn't do it anymore. You have choices. You can tell him and then leave. You can bring your son with you and spend the night somewhere else. Be creative. You have options you haven't thought of.

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Reenie,

I'm sorry that you're going through this. The overwhelm you're experiencing is totally understandable. 

Where two people normally feel comfortable bringing up issues and resolving them together as a team, with an abuser, the comfort and safety aren't there. So we have to wonder how they are going to respond. And understandably, you're feeling shaky and sick about it because he's not approachable, or consistent, in how he reacts. If he were, it wouldn't be an issue. This can validate you that you're dealing with an abuser, not a healthy, safe human being. 

I like the question lizziebethak brought up: is this mortgage issue really all your fault or your problem? Nope. It's not. Ideally, it's a "we" problem where you sit down and decide together how to work it out in a reasonable way. The issue is that he is an abuser, so what should be a "we" problem could easily be deflected back to you as a "you" problem. But it's not your problem to bear. That's where the fear comes in--is the worry that he won't take responsibility for what he rightfully should as an equal part of your team, and he'll make you responsible for it. Which is cruel, punishing, and abusive. :(

If you'd rather not face him because your worried about his reaction, could you call him instead of talking in person? Maybe find another place to stay temporarily, like a hotel or at a friend's house, to make the call. Then stay away as long as you need until you feel safe. Just one idea. That way your son doesn't have to hear him get angry. 

Technically, if it's bad enough that you think he could be violent or unpredictable, you can talk to a mediator and have it resolved through a 3rd person. I know that might sound like extreme, but there are always options if it feels too overwhelming in person. And sometimes it is. Sometimes it's okay to take whatever measures we need to take to protect ourselves physically and emotionally.

And also, that point where you begin to say: "I can't take this anymore", as rock bottom as it feels, can be the point at which you decide you aren't going to take it anymore. Sometimes we reach that breaking point to break through the glass and free ourselves. 

(((Reenie)))

 

 

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Also: have you contacted the nearest domestic violence center? I bet they would have some help available to you, like a refuge if you need one, or some legal advice, or counseling. Just another thought.

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Rennie

I understand, just last week I was afraid to tell my husband what I was doing. I think texting is a good idea, if you can. I don't like to talk to my husband even on the phone when I think he could be really upset, it is too painful and it is easier for me to be manipulated or hurt. I also thought about going somewhere else. If you feel unsafe in any way I would suggest to text him and to go somewhere that you will feel safe. He can't emotionally, verbally, or physically hurt you if you stay away from him. You can always go back later if you choose to. If he ask you why you are texting and not coming home, tell him the truth, that you are afraid of him. I also, have depression and sometimes don't take my medication as often as I should. It seems to affect me, but I have realized that even though I can handle him better when I am taking it correctly and not depressed, that he is still abusive and is also affecting how I feel. It's not only what is going on in our life right now, but what they did to us in the past. We are wise to remember and use our knowledge of the past to predict their future behavior. :hug: 

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I sat last night in the bathroom and read all your replies and couldn't help but cry.  I truly have so few people in my life that hearing and feeling your support was overwhelming for me.  I have so few people in my life.  lizzibethak you asked about my go-to people.  There are barely any.  My sister really is the only one and she has heard the story so many times I don't think she realizes how much I'm falling apart. 

The mortgage issue is, of course, not really my fault.  He likes to blame all financial troubles on me.  I used to have a job making over $60000 a year but got laid off when my son was born.  Since then things have gone downhill.  It was almost funny to realize I was only wanted for my money.  

I chickened out last night. He came home and went upstairs and only came down once.  I couldn't tell if he'd been drinking or not.  He usually does when he goes upstairs for that long.  t've been sleeping on the couch for two years now.  Im pretty sure I was having a panic attack when I posted yesterday.  I really thought i would vomit or pass out.  So when he went upstairs I let him do it.  

This morning before work he said something about the mortgage.  I told him there was a problem we needed to talk about.  I left for work but ended up coming home and hashing over all of the finances with him.  Before it all started he asked me if I wanted to work all this out or not.  I told him that I couldn't take it anymore.  That he didn't treat me like a person and I couldn't live like this anymore.  He gave me the sob story of how hard his life has been and said that he is trying to be better.  Of course.  If I had the money in the bank right now to do it I'd just leave and tell him go to hell.  But I don't.  And so here I am.  Disgusted with myself for what I've become.  I should have told him no.  I've had enough.  I've wasted enough of my life on you.  But i didn't.  Now I'm sitting here alone in the kitchen at 10:35 at night hoping to hear a kind word from people I don't know because I get none of that in may life.  I make myself sick.  really  I wonder how it's all going to end.  I am literally so ashamed of myself.

 

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It's okay. Realizing that I received more kindness and respect and caring from relative strangers online than I did from my own spouse - from almost anyone in my real life - was the first realization that began my road out.

It's not a pathetic thing about which to be ashamed... It's enlightenment. 

Now, you should know that most people who leave don't necessarily have the best of circumstances and money in the bank. There is always a way somehow - so first things first, don't assume you need to have certain things be in place before you can begin your own path out (if that's what you want to do).

Information is power. So if you think you might want to leave - now, or eventually in years - the best first step is to get a consult (or two, or three) from an attorney, to find out your rights and learn the process. And especially, I think, if it looks like there's going to be financial problems or increasing financial issues. It's a good idea to find out your rights asap rather than let him drag you down into a mire that would make things worse and more difficult.

Getting information is only a step. In many cases you can get a free consultation. It doesn't mean you're making a decision or that you have to do anything else. It's just getting information, that's all. 

 

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One bad person doesn't mean that people don't care about you. Abusers distance you from people who care. It helps them gain control. Start reaching out and you will find lots of nice caring people. Don't feel bad. Leaving is a process. You are only at the starting point. You are opening your eyes.

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You haven't done anything wrong. You're in a very difficult situation.

It's okay to stay status quo until you can gather the strength leave, and you do deserve better.

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It takes steps just like the ones you are taking to work ourselves out of an abusive situation. From my perspective, you are making progress! You brought up the mortgage issue, told him you couldn't take this anymore and couldn't live this way. Even if it resulted in him monologuing about his tough life and blah blah blah (abuser speak), the point is, you stood up. You spoke your mind. I can't speak for everyone here, but getting away from an abuser takes many conversations like the one you just had. It's like learning to use a muscle you've never used before, testing out his reaction, seeing how much you can say before he shuts you down, learning to gauge his anger. These are all important components to the whole process of leaving an abuser. And just because this particular conversation didn't end up as hoped, doesn't mean the next one will follow the same pattern. 

For what it's worth, I've had many of these sort of conversations with my H, and I'm still working on it. It takes time, and learning to trust your own voice and feelings, to get to the point where you can stand up and say "No more!" 

But it's possible. Even without the finances. Even when it looks bleak. 

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Reenie.............please don't ever feel shame or embarrassment here.  We have all walked in your shoes in some fashion and while some are still in their relationships, others are in various stages of recovery/no-contact/divorce/separation/etc.  We don't judge and we won't judge.  We're here to listen and validate and encourage you along the way.

For all of us, I think I can speak and say that knowledge was power and the more we reached out to both people and websites/blogs/books to understand both ourselves and our abusers, we felt empowered and validated and hopeful and (most importantly) a measure of SANITY because we began to see it's not US!

 

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