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Vanilli

Ex got married!!

8 posts in this topic

I am half amused, half in shock, very much feeling bad for that poor girl!! They have only possibly been together 6 months, this is frying absurd?! Think he met her in Vietnam. Abusers are so dumb and crazy!! But it half really hurts my heart, like this is how much I frying mean to him that he got married like a year or so after we broke up? Just like desperate and floundering. Idiot. Why does this hurt? Why does it make me mad? Because it's like I loved someone who didn't really love me or see me as a human being. What a joke. I don't know why I find this so disrespectful and embracing, well I guess I would more if it weren't such a joke!! *rolls eyes*

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I imagine that I will be posting something like this in the future and I totally "get it" Vanilli..............

It hurts because they have already "found someone" while we may still be struggling..........it hurts because they never admitted that it was "them" who caused the trauma and not you...............it hurts because they are projecting perfect happiness and you know it's a sham..........and you're angry for tons of reasons.  It's OK...........really.  Feel the feelings, own the anger and hurt and then realize that nothing has changed except the victim...........your YOU'RE NOT IT!

 

Love and hugs............

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I actually wish he would find someone.  I wish he would cheat on me and tell me he's leaving me.  That would make things so much easier.  I already gone through so many emotions about all of this.  I know he's never seen me as human, he doesn't know how to.  There have been days when he had a weekday off and i work my full time job, came home and changed and maybe threw some food together if I had time before I left for my second job.  I'd come home at 9:30 and the place would be a mess and he'd be asking me what I was going make him for food. Then he'd want to fool around.  If I'd say I was too tired to fool around he'd say it was my fault for working the second job on his day off and why should he suffer because of it.  Literally disgusting.  How on earth have I put up with this?  

I think that I could never find anyone after this.  I don't think I could ever trust another person.  Sometimes the loneliness of it all seems too much to bear.  it's like that quote:  "It would be too easy to say that I feel invisible.  Instead, I feel painfully visible and entirely ignored."   The idea that I will never know a real love hurts sometimes.  It hurts to think I will never have someone to hold me when I'm sad or to make me soup when I'm sick.  Never will anyone share in my joys and be excited for me when something good happens.  No-one to cuddle with on a rainy Sunday.  Usually I can accept it but there are days when it hurts more than usual.  

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15 hours ago, lizzibethak said:

I imagine that I will be posting something like this in the future and I totally "get it" Vanilli..............

It hurts because they have already "found someone" while we may still be struggling..........it hurts because they never admitted that it was "them" who caused the trauma and not you...............it hurts because they are projecting perfect happiness and you know it's a sham..........and you're angry for tons of reasons.  It's OK...........really.  Feel the feelings, own the anger and hurt and then realize that nothing has changed except the victim...........your YOU'RE NOT IT!

 

Love and hugs............

 

Thank you ^_^!! You are right!!! xxxx

 

I guess for me it was like painful because it was like "wow, you don't care and never did." Weirdly kind of freeing!! Anyway, I went out for a lovely night of cocktails and I had a great night! So everything moves on! I was proud of myself because I found it very hard and painful and I managed those feelings and managed the emotional flashback (I have C-PTSD, so I get painful emotional flashback that can lead into a shame/you aren't good enough spiral and I did go there but then I managed to dig myself out and say "you know what? This doesn't reflect you or define your worth!")

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4 hours ago, Reenie605 said:

I actually wish he would find someone.  I wish he would cheat on me and tell me he's leaving me.  That would make things so much easier.  I already gone through so many emotions about all of this.  I know he's never seen me as human, he doesn't know how to.  There have been days when he had a weekday off and i work my full time job, came home and changed and maybe threw some food together if I had time before I left for my second job.  I'd come home at 9:30 and the place would be a mess and he'd be asking me what I was going make him for food. Then he'd want to fool around.  If I'd say I was too tired to fool around he'd say it was my fault for working the second job on his day off and why should he suffer because of it.  Literally disgusting.  How on earth have I put up with this?  

I think that I could never find anyone after this.  I don't think I could ever trust another person.  Sometimes the loneliness of it all seems too much to bear.  it's like that quote:  "It would be too easy to say that I feel invisible.  Instead, I feel painfully visible and entirely ignored."   The idea that I will never know a real love hurts sometimes.  It hurts to think I will never have someone to hold me when I'm sad or to make me soup when I'm sick.  Never will anyone share in my joys and be excited for me when something good happens.  No-one to cuddle with on a rainy Sunday.  Usually I can accept it but there are days when it hurts more than usual.  

 

Oh honey, I still had to do the gut wrenching, heart breaking, soul splitting work of dragging myself out of that door. That's what we all have to do.

“nobody can save you but
yourself.
you will be put again and again
into nearly impossible
situations.
they will attempt again and again
through subterfuge, guise and
force
to make you submit, quit and/or die quietly
inside.

nobody can save you but
yourself
and it will be easy enough to fail
so very easily
but don’t, don’t, don’t."

 

It's really hard to get to that point, it's hard to do it and once it's done the fall out is hard as hell to deal with, it's like the fall out from a nuclear bomb. Yet as time goes on, you learn to work harder for your happiness and you learn to change your thoughts, and work with your feelings, and most days you are happy. Don't say never, I'd recommend starting some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, changing those negative thinking styles of "I'll never be happy" etc, was key in getting me out and is key in keeping me sane and happy. It's tough but the only way to get out and to be happy once you are out is to do that kind of thing :). And you can do it :). And you can find someone - I have the loveliest boyfriend now and thought I'd never find someone but an abuser!! There's so much hope once you're out, this isn't life, it isn't everything - promise! 

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Hugs, i went through similar emotions not long ago finding out my ex was "in a relationship" despite the fear and pain and, yes, anger he caused me. It still felt like my heart was in a vice. 

But I've been given a lot of good advice on here. And i was so overwhelmed emotionally i random asked a guy out. Which has ended up being the best thing I've done in a very long time. 

You are strong, you are brave, and you are no longer his victim.  Feel sorry for the wife, she now deals with it. But hopefully not for long. 

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(((Vanilli)))

It hurts because you lived it, you used your strength and integrity to pull through it, you fought for your freedom and wellbeing, and what has he done? Nothing. Nothing but perpetuate his same old patterns over and over again. 

His quick "recovery" is evidence of his lack of remorse and empathy. A man who feels deeply wouldn't be able to do this and feel the least bit happy about it.

And his new victim? She's going down that same road you survived. :(

It's okay if it hurts, even if you don't know exactly why. Way back when we met our abusers, we hoped for that happy life with them. Maybe somewhere deep down there's some mourning over the life we weren't allowed to have because of their abuse

But you know what? You stood up. You walked away. You broke free. That is powerful! He's going to keep repeating his patterns, while you continue to grow stronger, more empowered and free.

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vanilli

I think it is because you still love him and that hurts. You still love the side of him that was good. We don't want to leave that part of them, only the bad parts. I think it is normal to feel that way. It was difficult for me to understand why my first husband didn't seem to care that much for me and could replace me so easily. Now that I know about abusers, it is easier to understand. My ex had a lack of empathy, was concerned about his wants and needs. He apparently didn't have the same thoughts about life and marriage as I did. It took me a long time to get over him even after I found someone else. I was so angry at him but I was still in a lot of pain for years because of the way he treated me in our relationship. I feel for you and I'm sending you lots of hugs....

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