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BlurryFace

Normal?

5 posts in this topic

The trial is finally here, and as I find myself nearing the actual trial date I am feeling a mix of all these emotions that have built up. As I am mostly relieved that its coming to an end, no matter the result, I am also nervous. This case and situation has seemingly taken over my life for the past year, not to mention the years before of which I hadn't realized at that time. As I wish recovery was a steady rise to being "ok" again I know it is not whatsoever. I've had so many relapses its crazy, I get that its normal but at the same time it does not really help when you are trying to see the progress you have made.

My poor friends have to hear my concerns, outbursts and paranoia fueled rantings almost everyday. As this case slowly draws closer my emotions are getting more and more unstable. One moment I will be content but something will trigger a thought and the next thing I know I am desperately trying to push the people that care about me away because "they don't deserve to have to deal with me." The phrases "This is my fault." or "He just made a mistake." have become all too familiar as well. I have tried to take everything as slow as possible and have tried to just care for myself and attempt to accept everything in pieces. What if you don't have enough time though? What if you have to rush through the process to be able to be strong enough to face the very root of it all?

I have made some progress, most of that just being how I cope with it all. A year ago my reaction would have been a knee jerk response that resulted in some sort of self injury, but that process has gotten better. I can write or paint through most of the emotions. There are some that develop that nothing can help, those are the ones I try to sleep through. In any case, is it "normal" for a person to feel crazy at this point? The other day I had finally confessed information I had not told any adult or friend in the past year, apparently the very thing I have held back is considered sexual assault. Is it crazy that I had held it in for a year then just decided to tell? I think I knew that it was a little more serious then what I allowed myself to think the whole time but something keeps you from saying things like that...for some reason I was scared he would find out. This stupid teacher. I think the main reason I have held back such information though was the shame of it and the disappointment. I don't know, everything should be getting clearer but it seems like the very opposite is taking place. Is that "normal"? How do you handle the guilt- and how is it that my friends that are the same age as me seem to understand how I should feel but I don't? They say its all normal and that all of this is a process but I just can't believe them.

I want to understand what is normal and what is not- or if there even is such a thing. I know it gets better and I know people deal with worse trauma for years and years but the thing is I am not that strong. I just want to know if their is some sort of pattern to this- or if this "process" actually exists. Thank you for your time.

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Hugs, I'm not an expert and others will reply with much more knowledge and insight than me. But first there is no "normal" how you deal with it is how you deal with it. Secondly, you are in deed strong, very, very strong. And don't ever doubt this about yourself! 

I infer from your post that you're a student?  You are not alone in this and you were brave coming forward. And this site and the members on it, has tons of great advice and information. 

You can do this. The case will be over soon, and you can continue to build your life again. Xx

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((hugs))

I don't have answers. I'm going through the same thing. I had a court date for which I got crazy anxious and couldn't think straight. I got dressed up for court etc. Then my lawyer told me that I wouldn't be going in. In the end nothing was accomplished and we are in the same place we ever were. All that build up and nervousness for nothing. I'd like it to be over. 

I can't answer, but I'm here to listen. I'm sorry that you have to go through this.

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To me, it sounds normal to feel "crazy" and go through all sorts of difficult emotions. However you feel is ok. I don't think it "should" be getting clearer at this point - there's no yardstick to measure yourself against (or judge yourself harshly against). It takes however long it takes.

And I do think it's normal to hold something like that in for a year (or even more) and not be able to talk about it. 

I hope you are getting some counseling for yourself - and it might help also to be in some sort of support group situation - so that if you can see there is common experience and common feelings, you might not feel so alone and "crazy."

FWIW, I went through a bunch of stuff and I absolutely felt "crazy" for a very long time. It's a long, rough road, so try to be kind and caring to yourself. Imagine yourself as your own child to comfort and say "It's all right, however you feel is all right." It's great progress that you're not self-harming, and you should definitely feel very proud of yourself for that. But try not to internally harm yourself, either. Allow yourself to be inwardly kind and accepting toward yourself and how you feel, without judging.

It does take time, and it sounds normal to me.

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Quaddie and Bennu are right...............and from my own personal journey, the closer to the divorce hearing, the crazier and sicker I got.  I was scared that the judge would tell us the property settlement didn't give my XH enough, or that the terms of the house sale ("somewhere" in the future) would be suspect.  During the last week he was home and the week following as I waited for the telephonic hearing, I was nervous, didn't sleep well, ate everything in sight, cried a lot, couldn't concentrate at work, my heart raced, I had diarrhea daily...........I was a mess!!  I was sure that my family and friends were ready to tell me to "shut up" and quit obsessing about my situation and to "get over it"..................but they never did........they just let me cry or rant or talk..........and they loved me in spite of my crazy behavior.  However............once the court hearing was over, I could begin the process of really healing.  I could finally relax and feel safe.

You have done a lot of work in the last year, Blurry...........you are not the same person you were just a few months ago.  You can get through this..........you have family and friends to help you and you are doing things you enjoy and bring you peace.  What you are feeling may not be comfortable, but it is "normal" at this time.  

You are incredibly brave...........you can do this.

 

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