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J917

Children

7 posts in this topic

I believe I am in what is a verbally or emotionally abusive relationship. We have been together almost 10 years.  There have always been anger issues, nasty comments, etc but sometimes long times in between. It is not a daily thing. For the first time it escalated to physical. Nothing bad. I wasn't hurt and as soon as it happened he instantly snapped out of it and has been so sorry since. He knows if it happens again that I'm gone. My question is that is it possible for someone to be like this to a wife but not a child?  We have a one year old. He has been a good dad so far. I wouldn't want my son to lose that if I do leave but I also do not want to have any thing happen to him. I have never been good at taking care of myself. Was in an abusive relationship in the past. But I can do anything to protect my son. Also if you did leave an abusive relationship is it for sure I would get custody?  I need advice from those with children. 

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I'm sorry that you are going through this. My abuser was more physically abusive with the children than with me. I think it is because they were easier victims. In my state shared custody is the norm. I was afraid of what he would do without me around to protect them. I stayed until that wouldn't be a problem and they may have been more emotionally damaged by that. It is really hard to know what to do with an abuser.

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A father who abuses his child's mother is not a good dad! The abuse will escalate over time and your son will learn that abusing a woman is acceptable behavior. 

Shared custody is the norm in many places, and while I know what it's like to worry about a child's safety while they are being cared for by an abuser, at least when he's with you, he will be in a safe place free from abuse.  And learn what healthy relationships are like.

Also many men loose interest in visiting their children over time, so your son may not see him as often as he gets older. And abusers tend not to like teens and pre-teens who have ideas of their own.

Either way (staying or going) it's difficult. But one thing for sure, abuse always gets worse and your h has already resorted to physical abuse.  Even if he knows you'll leave, it will happen again.

You might want to contact someone at your local DV center for support.  They often have a range of services and won't encourage you to do anything you're not comfortable with.  But they will encourage you to develop a safety plan for you and your son.

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Also, it is abuse of the child, for the child's mother to be abused. The child sees, hears, knows his mom is being abused. He feels that. It is harmful and traumatic to him, for you to be abused.

Then of course he also is modeled how to treat women by this. It is what he learns a relationship looks like. 

 

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When you are with an abuser you live in a state of hyper vigilance. You can't relax. I found it very difficult to parent, to focus on my children in a positive way. Also I was exhausted from trying to make him happy which left me with no energy for fun with my kids. 

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J917

My husband was abusive to our two daughters and now he is to our granddaughter. He is emotionally and verbally abusive. He wasn't everyday with the girls, nor is it every time our granddaughter visits.

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This is abuse you can not prove. The hard part about dysfunctional family's. They want to kids to love them yet they are a complete contradiction to educing a loving caring environment. I try to look at it more of a race. Your the aware person so you feel the burden of care. What I did was research the age of my child and what they needed according to psychology at that age to thrive. That was the only thing I focused on giving my child those quality's of what he needed at the right times. I was trying to heal him and open him up before he learned to be closed off. While I was not capable of fully protecting my child. Some of his success is getting sabotaged in gas-lighting. I did give him a point of reference that he would never have if I just accepted it. I can't wait for my child to open up. That is the point I will know I have his heart. The divorce was hard on him and he is allowed to have his own perspectives. I honour his struggles and he knows he has a mom that is trying to reach him no matter where he is. He has to learn to do the relationship connection back. Not be told but actually participate. He will have to reach out and include me. Not sure I can make it past all of the garbage my EX threw on us. I do know that my son knows he has a mom that loves him. It is hard for kid that see Dad make excesses and for them to learn to be a person of action and character. My Narcs Idea of character was more verbal. Yet he did get career opportunity's because of his brown lies. Fake it till you make it. My child will not have the same opportunity. My EX had family help him with his job connections. The governor has not done this for his own child. He is too busy trying to teach him a lesson and make him grovel. For my child to be successful they do need to learn to see through gas lighting. This is the hard patch because as a mom I want a close tender relationship. So you have to balance the mediums of what you TEACH and what your child NEEDS. Please be aware of both things. If you can have those two areas hold each others hand. You will surly get through this time of your life. Fulfil your child's needs while you teach. 

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