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Confused714

So confused

5 posts in this topic

Hi.  I am new here. I have been married to someone for a few years now who has a really bad temper. When he is happy things are good. He is fun to be around and things are good but when he is in a bad mood he gets super snappy at me. He tells me things I do are always wrong. If you talk to him about it he always has reasons why he wants things done certain ways. It's super stressful because I need to do things a certain way or he gets upset. When he gets really upset he has the type of anger where you can not talk to him rationally. He has hit walls and broken things before in a rage. I have actually described these mood swings as adult temper tantrums. I have been unhappy for awhile. Last week we got into a huge fight and for the first time he actually put his hands on me. Immediately after he was so apologetic. He says he hates himself and has been saying that for days now. I finally said how I have been feeling after this fight. Usually I never speak up for myself. Is the other things he is doing considered abuse? Is it possible for him to change after having put hands on me once or is it something that will happen again?  I am so confused and don't know what to do. 

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We call them adult temper tantrums, too. Hitting the walls and breaking things is physical abuse and so is blocking you so you can't leave or move between rooms, even tho they aren't touching you. Putting his hands on you is definitely crossing the line! But this video, to me, explains abuse perfectly.

Do You Recognize These 7 Forms of Abuse? - YouTube

 

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She's right about how the psychological abuse is the worst.

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Hi J917 and welcome.

Your husbands behaviour is controlling and yes that is abusive. Blueskye is correct in telling you that his hitting walls and breaking things is physical abuse. His putting his hands on you is an escalation in his behaviour. His saying he is sorry is normal but sadly it does not mean it won't happen again. In all likelihood it will.su i

I am not sure if you know about the cycle of abuse. If not you can take a look at it on this link here.

I would also suggest that if you can get hold of a copy of a book called "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft and read it. It will help you understand the dynamics of abuse and the motivations behind your husbands behavour. If you can get this book do not show it to him or share it with him. It may be tempting to think you can show him what he is doing in relation to the book but the most likely outcome will be that he will use it against you.

Reality is that very few abusers ever change. Some will claim they are changing and may make some changes but they are neither genuine or lasting.

You deserve better. No one ever deserves to be abused.

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I have/had a very similar relationship. I probably wouldn't have believed verbal abuse always escalates to physical if I hadn't experienced it. Mine started off very subtly controlling (needing things to always go his way). Expecting healthy compromise and communication led to increasing anger over time or "adult temper tantrums" to shut me up. It is very much like dealing with a 5 year old. By this past year he has punched the fridge, broke my cell phone and smashed a piece of drywall over and over to pieces in front of my face. The same night he shoved me down and I hit some things that resulted in a bloody lip and he kicked me in the side while I was trying to get up. Mine was very apologetic also but only out of fear I would call the police. He has said he hated himself and apologud and it still escalated. He's also now said he believes he could do worse and that is terrifying. Just hoping sharing this gives you perspective. Your husband's anger is defintely a form of control using fear and aggression. It's very confusing because mine was also so much fun to be around when it was good. There has to be anger constantly boiling right under the surface for anyone to react so extremely. The unpredictability of that leaves you always walking on eggshells and afraid to speak up. 

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