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clurichaun

Think They're a Narcissist But it Doesn't Quite Fit?

16 posts in this topic

This fits absolutely for mine at least. I used to wonder why the narcissist and sociopath were so close but seemed to not describe him. This is a description of (edited) Bipolar Borderline personality disorder which is like every description I've written of him and most of the ones I've seen on here. I'm still trapped in the guilt trap and I'm still to lazy/scared/guilt riddled to tell him to take a hike at the holidays. Crap I'm sick of being stuck and I need out.

 

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2013/11/29/1251025/-Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Heroic-Martyr-or-Emotional-Vampire

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Clurichaun it really doesn't matter if he fits any diagnosis or not. If his behaviour is abusive and is having a negative impact on you that is more than enough justification for you to leave. You deserve to be able to live your life free from abuse. Self care is not selfish. It is essential.

Any guilt should lay with the person who has chosen to abuse you. It is definitely not your fault that he is the way he is and it is not your job to fix him. Only he can do that if he chooses to do so.

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I think in my cases I rarely was able to fully "pin the diagnosis on the donkey" (as well as a layman can, at any rate) until after I'd left.

Sometimes it feels like a dx is part of the validation process - the "it's not me, it's him." Helps to validate that it's okay to leave.

BUT let me say this.

Millions of relationships split up every day. Not every one of them has something to firmly label "abuse." The reason is because if someone is simply not happy within that relationship - they can break it off. Every person has the right to end a relationship for any reason - and it doesn't need to be absolute.

How you feel within the relationship is the most important thing.

Your life is your only life. Life is short. Once you really feel like maybe you deserve to not feel like this.... it becomes easier. This is not normal. Nobody deserves to be unhappy or in a relationship that makes them unhappy. Nobody deserves to be abused. It's not a life sentence. You have a right to engineer your life to be free of what makes you unhappy.

So... how do you feel?  Does the relationship make your life more positive - or overall, does it bring you pain? 

And on the original note. For what it's worth, someone who greatly impacted my life negatively, I knew was "narc" but not all of it fit. I later ran across "malignant narcissist," which was slightly different and fit her abuse of me to a "T."  Also she wasn't "just narc," but would also have very manic spells (when especially stressed) - but full-on manic. I think there might be crossover between narc and sociopath because this person also would sometimes have sociopathic traits as well. In the end, it's all very damaging and the technical dx - like Curly said - doesn't matter. There might not be one single clear dx, anyway.

It can really help to have a sort of grounding touchstone in the form of supportive counseling, etc., which can help clarify the "it's not you, it's him" aspect and help to clear the FOG.

 

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I would like to echo the others.  The label really doesn't matter.  My ex H could fit into so many labels it made my head spin.  In the end all I knew was that I was glad to be divorced from him and I would never have to deal with him again.

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Ok so to clarify my reason for posting this here, I read things to help me better understand my situation. I read things for clarity and to see the truth. I needed an explanation to keep me from saying "maybe it's me" and every single time I read something it would talk about narcissism and sociopaths. But he didn't fit the description and so I was like no he's not like that and maybe it is my fault. I needed something that didn't give me doubts about my perception. All I feel is doubts and guilt and shame. I go over a script in my head of all the things I will say because I just want it to be over and I never say them. I'm too tired, I get intense stress headaches lately, Wah wah wah I'm whining again and yeah that's ok I know but it still feels weak and I'm still ashamed of myself for not saying what I need to say. I feel weak and powerless and at this point there's really no good excuse. Reading articles like the one I posted helps me regain some resolve. I shared it to help others who found doubts about their perception when reading about narcissists and sociopaths like I did. Because self doubt is our enemy. And any strength or resolve we can find is a good thing. So yeah the label doesn't matter but maybe a description that affirms this behavior isn't normal can help.

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Also I edited it to add that it's Borderline Personality Disorder the article was about NOT bipolar. Borderline is a grab bag of disorders mashed together with a fear of abandonment. It's not the person's fault they have the disorder, but it IS their fault for not doing anything about it and abusing people they "care" about.

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You don't really need to say anything. 

 

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Clurichaun.............after being told by his family that they thought he was bi-polar due to mood swings, I started doing some internet searches and found that many times people label the abuser as bi-polar when it's really BPD.  BPD/Histrionic/Narcissist is what I believe he is............meltdowns, splitting, self-centered, needy, I was never enough.....never loved him enough, never treated him right, never formed that deep emotional relationship that he desired...............ugh, I could go on.

However.............I made the decision to divorce him before I had completely figured this out because I was unhappy and simply wanted out of the craziness.  Bravest and sanest thing I have done in my life.  I have been divorced now for almost 11 months............yes I get a bit lonely at times but my life is so much better without all the drama.  All my friends, family and co-workers have noticed a huge change in me...............I'm actually happy again!

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I meant to say borderline which is usually a combination of many issues and poorly developed emotional and coping mechanisms. I'm so happy you're out but yeah it's subtly different from the usual narcissist thing. And no matter how much you want to help or hope someone gets better it's often not worth the cost of self.

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I wish we had a like button for responses because I love what Quaddie said and what Lizzabethak said and others. 

I loved that article!!! I knew a lot of that info but the examples were spot on and goes into way more detail than the DSM. I already figured my ex was BPD but it was still reassuring to see almost word-for-word examples of what I wrote in my journal!!!! 

You know Clurichaun, leaving is hard but what I learned when I was in your phase was that because of the abuse and the confusing state we are in, it makes it almost impossible to make decisions. Sometimes even simple decisions are a struggle. I forget where I read that but it made sense to me. It explained MY state. I find it extremely empowering to read articles like this so that the pieces start to fit together. Also, now that you know this it helps you make your future decisions and may shed light on what to expect going forward. 

The FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) is something I still struggle with tho I've been no contact most of 2016 and divorced. But it seems to lessen over time. The BPD is a master at laying on the guilt and playing the victim (of you) so recognize that and try to shed that guilt and responsibility! If they weren't like this you'd stay. It's their fault you can't stand it any longer! It's a cruel self fulfilling prophecy for them. They fear abandonment so badly they drive us away! You literally have to cut your way through the FOG to freedom! Freedom is an upgrade I promise. You may be struggling to make decisions BECAUSE of the abuse. Get supportive friends/family to help you through it. That's how I did it. They didn't make my decisions for me but listened as I sorted it all out. 

You can do this. My name is blueskye because there are blue skies on the other side. Cut through the FOG. It's waiting for you.

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"You can't take the sky from me" ^_^

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I said what I said because so many ppl get"stuck" at the prospect of having "the talk" or saying certain things, or whatever the perceived communication requirement is. 

But the fact is, there is no requirement to do that at all.  

So if that barrier is removed....then what?

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Mr. BS (my H) never quite fit the narcissism or sociopathic box, though he had some of this and some of that. This led me in circles for a while thinking I couldn't move forward until I knew exactly what I was dealing with. He kept a lot hidden from me in terms of how he truly thought, and he did a TON of pretending that he was emotionally mature and cognizant of his own behavior. It took some detective work to figure out how his mind was working. In the end, he had the abusive wiring all along, but he did a good job camouflaging it as other things, other disorders. It was tactical, to get me to look the other way, so to speak.

All the gaslighting and deflecting, all the underhanded abuse really makes you start to feel like nothing makes sense, and that's when you start doubting yourself and wondering if it's you, not him. All symptoms of abuse.

Sometimes I think it takes reaching that point where you can't take it anymore, or him doing something that makes you angry enough that you can speak out. Sometimes breaking through the analysis paralysis is being able to get angry at him for hurting you. Can you tap into it? 

I'm right there too. It's an agonizing step. 

 

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When you find your window of opportunity take it. You will be surprised it sets a spiral of events in motion and the only place to go is forward. 

Every time you calm the storm you swallow a piece of your spirit. I am packing a whole lot of light into the empty masses that jerk left. When you are with him to keep the peace you deny the abuse. I am starting to think this is why it took me almost four years to say I was abused. I would say it and still mentally jump over accepting it. It was too painful to look at all at once. I needed time to absorb what happened to me. I was such a warm trusting soul. Now I struggle to not be bitter. There are things I know if I can put a curve on it will effect me and I will lose more of myself. Do not ignore what living in the abuse does to you. Even after this marriage, I believe I will not marry another man unless he can have a warm encouraging presence that emits from a well-grounded core. My gosh really how hard is it to actually give love and warmth. Be thoughtful with consideration in for thought. The selfish cannibals. 

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One of the problems with BPD as a cause and the thing that's so hard is that they CAN'T accept responsibility. The ones aware of the disorder say that yes they realize what they do but they can't help it and you're a monster for making them feel bad about it. But that's a huge problem. The thinking is "I do whatever I want but you're not allowed to get upset because that makes me feel bad and now it's your fault." He has a son like this too and with a child it's impossible to deal with. He gets in trouble and gets angry at someone for getting upset with him. This disorder is pretty much "Everything is someone else's fault and I'm a victim" I refuse to enable that anymore. Children can be helped to grow past the disorder. But X and the boy's mom are making it worse and worse. And yes I know, it doesn't matter if the abuse has a name or reason. But understanding this I've learned exactly what to expect and why and it helps me deal with it. And hopefully eventually I can heal from it. My life is on hold even the holidays are on hold with this still going on.

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None of the abuser types accept responsibility.  (Not really, even if they hoover pretending to.) They lack the insight and ability to get outside their own worldview. So I think it's not unique to someone with a borderline personality disorder, that they cannot accept responsibility. If they did - and they cared - they wouldn't be abusive. But they are, and they don't.

In fact, I think (in my opinion) abusers are all disordered. Being abusive isn't "normal." It requires an altered operating system, imo. 

 

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