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hoping

Really?

20 posts in this topic

Just got home today after picking up my granddaughter and food from drive thru. My granddaughter age 7 told my husband that the neighbors dog was in our yard. It was almost time for him to leave for work, so he got more stressed than usual. We have a dog that can't walk very good due to a virus or brain tumor and a kitten that is our granddaughters. My granddaughter was worried about her kitten, so I told her to bring it inside for now. The kitten started running behind the couch and my husband was stressing because he was afraid that he would urinate or poop behind the couch. I am telling my granddaughter to watch the kitten and don't let it stay behind the couch. I told my husband to calm down, so I could call  someone to come after the dogs. I couldn't even think about what to say because I was worried about him getting angry over the kitten and her ice cream cone that she had  laid down somewhere to watch the kitten, and his complaining. I told him to calm down and tell me what he wanted me to ask this person I'm calling to get someone to come after the dogs? My husband was still stressing out and saying he was worried about going to work and worrying about me and our granddaughter and his dog. I told him to calm down and to go to work and I would take care of it. He got mad at me for telling him to calm down and said something like, "I'll deal with you later." In other words, he doesn't think that I should tell him to calm down, so we can take care of the situation in a calm way. He thinks he is the boss, and I am to listen to him. Also, I will pay later by him griping me out while he is angry and telling me he is right and to not ever talk to him like that. This has happened before, this is why I know what he will do. I felt a little afraid when he said he would deal with me later, but then I thought, he has not been acting violent like he use to, so as long as he doesn't act this way, which he probably won't, I am safe physically. It still bothers me when he is verbally or emotionally abusive, but not as much as it use to. It helps knowing that I am choosing to put up with him and that I feel capable of leaving if I need to or want to. I have been making plans for awhile now, in case I decide I want to separate.

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I'm afraid for you. How do you know he won't get violent?

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Hoping if he has been violent with you in the past it is very likely that at some point he will again.

Do you have any support? Do you have anywhere to go or are you in contact with any domestic violence groups?

Please be careful.

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I'm sorry if I scared or alarmed you. My husband has never hit, shoved, slapped or pushed me. I was afraid of him for many years because he would use his stance, look on his face to scare me. Once his eyes even turned black. He quit looking and acting that scary months ago after I told him how he scared me. I'm not saying it isn't possible, but I hope that I will be able to tell by his face and stance how angry he is. I try to quit talking to him or upsetting him if he starts acting to angry. Yes, I do have somewhere to go. I have friends and I also could go to a shelter. As I said, he has never hit me, but I have left before because I wasn't for sure, and he also could be very emotionally and verbally abusive. One time our dog bit my husband on the face when he was reaching down to get the ball that he through to him. My husband said the dog was upset with him because he wouldn't through the ball as soon as he wanted. I do know my husband was also very drunk, and I wonder if that had anything to do with our dog biting him. Anyway, after our dog bit my husband, he took a wooden handle and hit the dog several times. This really shocked me and scared me that my husband acted this way. I don't know if this would be acceptable behavior after getting bit, but I didn't think it was the right way to react to the situation.

 

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Violence to any vulnerable form of life should be closely watched..........it is very common for abusers to have a history of abusing/torturing/killing animals.

That said, you seem to know his limits and when you would be at risk.  We all here would love for you to be able to leave permanently, but we support your decisions to stay as long as you continue to be safe and have a good back-up plan for escape.

 

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Emotional damage counts, too.

 

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Lizziebethak

Thank you for replying. I'm trying to evaluate things he does and says more than before.

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Quaddie

You are right emotional damage does count. I just don't know if it is bad enough for me to change my life so drastically, but I haven't ruled that out. I am still working on myself and thinking about what I need to do to be ready if I decide to leave. I feel like I am stronger emotionally than I was.

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If you are not happy, that matters.

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Quaddie

Thank you for your encouragement.

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Hoping,

Even chaos can feel normal after a time. 

I can't remember if you've mentioned this before (sorry). Do you have a counselor? Someone who can work with you to help motivate and offer practical and healing help? I think part of the reason why leaving is such a difficult option is because abuse really dissolves our sense of self to the point where we think we deserve the chaos. Just wondering if there's a counselor or support group nearby you could go see in order to help empower you. Having likeminded and empathetic people who are safe and non-abusive around you, even for an hour a week, might give you some contrast to what you are experiencing at home. Sometimes that contrast can really help you to see your worth and give you that motivation you might need.

Sorry if you're already seeing a counselor and this doesn't apply.

You are deserving of a better life!

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whitebutterfly11

I do have a counselor, but I don't see her very often. I have thought about seeing someone more often. I am glad you mentioned this. You said, "Even chaos can feel normal after a time." This weekend I had a chance to observe what it was like without my husband at a relatives home. It was more quite, he wasn't the center of attention, and I didn't have to worry he might say something that would embarrass me.

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When I first left my ex I went to my parents' house. My dad came in one afternoon and said to mom "I've been trying to call you." She looked down and said, "Oh 5 missed calls."

Pause right there.

In the marriage I just left this was the beginning of a VERY common fight! It was usually loud, angry, and full of insults, accusations, and threats to get rid of my phone. If it got really bad one might leave the room and there could be silent treatment for days following it!

Unpause.

My mom and dad very calmly worked out the kinks in mom's phone and it was over. The end.

This was VERY eye-opening to me. THIS is what a functional marriage looks like. This is why they're married over 50 years. All the books and speakers say we got narcissists because we grew up with it, that doesn't apply to me. I didn't grow up with it. It was a HUGE revelation to me to see that contrast of the SAME SCENARIO so soon after I left. I knew right then and there that THAT'S what I wanted in a marriage, or to be alone. This chaos and cutting down...I couldn't tolerate it one more second. Not one more second. I was broken, beaten to a pulp (emotionally)....done. Done, done, done. 

I said all that to say this. Yes, chaos can start to feel normal. You got a glimpe during your weekend away. I did too. Take that as a gift. A little peek of what could be. 

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5 hours ago, blueskye said:

All the books and speakers say we got narcissists because we grew up with it, that doesn't apply to me. I didn't grow up with it.

Thanks for that. I think that when they are clever you don't have to have grown up with it. They start out super nice and transform gradually as they get you hooked. You don't see it coming. It doesn't feel nice to be blamed.

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Blueskye

I did enjoy not having to worry about his saying something to embarrass me, but I also felt uncomfortable with it being so quite. I also wondered if I would feel like this a lot, if I left him. I felt kind of alone and a little shy, but not a lot. I liked some things about it and other things I didn't. I think I have some thoughts and fears I need to deal with about being without him. I like being alone sometimes, but I don't know how well I would do if it was permanent. Since the weekend he has said stuff that has really irritated me. He ask if I was a prude because I told him I didn't want to see certain movies anymore. He ask if I thought he had a kidney infection because I have another one and my back hurts and his does too or did I give him an STD? There was a guy on a show that  we watched recently, that got one from his partner. He is so childish. I don't know if he is trying to get my attention by his jokes, put me down or both. At times he has said he is trying out jokes on me before he tells them to other people, and if I don't think they are funny, then other people should like them. As I am writing this, it sounds like another put down. I guess he finds it funny to criticize me in a joke. It is like he loves the reaction he gets from me even when I don't get or understand the joke. Maybe it makes him happier when I don't get it because then he can criticize me in an under cover way. Because what is so funny about asking your wife if she gave you a STD? There are times like the other day after he said these things, that I thought, I'm sick of it. I'm tired of trying to figure out if he is joking or criticizing me or both. Is this normal? Do other guys say stuff like this to their girlfriends or wives? He loves to joke and he likes to be funny, but I think he goes too far.

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No, other people do not say things like that.  They are not "jokes." It's not funny to ask your significant other if they gave you an std. There is all sorts of other stuff wrapped up in a comment like that, but none of it is funny. 

However, it is extremely common for abusive people to call things like put-downs "jokes."

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What a silly man. Worried about Ice cream and kittens! 

Some men have real worries. Yea he is a real man making you feel insecure so insecure you have to call in reinforcements to support his drama. I kind of like the words get over yourself quite picking a fight with me over small stuff. Gosh, he really expects you to cater to him. You know he wants to fight so he can blow off steam that is why he takes you beyond your comfort zone. So he can sneak a rant in. My health husband tried doing a control thing and I threw the pillows down the hall. Told him to sleep on the couch. He only did that once. I wanted him to know I was not going to take it. Healthy husband learned. The governor did not. 

You can handle this man show him how ridiculous he is being mock him a bit. 

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MorningGlory

Thank you for your reply. Right now I am just sick of dealing with him. I am tired of his ridiculous jokes, cut down or whatever they are. I don't even want to reply to him. The next time he says something I think is ridiculous, I'm considering looking at him and walking away without answering. I think we see life so much differently.

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14 hours ago, hoping said:

I am tired of his ridiculous jokes, cut down or whatever they are. I don't even want to reply to him. The next time he says something I think is ridiculous, I'm considering looking at him and walking away without answering. 

I do that all the time when someone is being a jerk. There's no reason you can't.

There's no law forcing you to be "nice" and continue engaging when someone is a jerk or treats you in any way you don't like or aren't comfortable with.

It's completely appropriate to just walk away without answering.

 

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Quaddie

Thank you for your encouragement.

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