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chachacha

Fell for it again

24 posts in this topic

I wrote before about being crushed (http://forums.our-place-online.net/index.php?/topic/13156-crushed/#comment-170317). I wrote before about thinking I made a mistake (http://forums.our-place-online.net/index.php?/topic/13168-i-think-ive-made-a-terrible-mistake/#comment-170440).  I gave him another chance.  I should not have.  I may have made mistakes, but there is never any cause for the abuse he inflicts upon me.  He delights in hurling the most insidious insults at me to push me down and make me feel low.

The background this time is that I have been working very hard at appeasing him but still trying to slowly gain his trust and build defensible boundaries.

He wants me on the phone with him day and night.  He wants me to report every conversation I have with ANYONE, whether it's a checker at the grocery store, a person passing by politely, a coworker, a colleague, a friend, EVERYTHING.  He says he shouldn't have to ask.  He treats me like a cheater when I have NEVER cheated on anyone or lied to him.  He says everyone else in his life has always cheated and I must be too.  He treats me like I am accountable for every offense anyone has ever done to him.  He tells me he wants to know things and I'm afraid if I don't tell him he will think I am hiding things from him but if I do, he will accuse me of being promiscuous and find things wrong with every interaction.  I also told him that if someone were to hit on me and I did tell him, I wouldn’t want him to be hurt, that I would only tell him because he told me he wants to know.

He expects me to go through life a mute.  Even at work he demands to know who I talk to and if I do not carry my phone with me everywhere and text him back within seconds he is mad and quizzes me and tells me I'm rude.  I leave him alone at work when he can't talk and I hate to interrupt him but he insists that I do.  Still, he has two phones and the work one has a generic voicemail greeting and the personal one has no voicemail box set up so I can't leave message and prove I called him.  He tells me I don't call him enough but gives me no credit for texting or emailing instead so as not to interrupt.  He actually keeps score by call logs to see who has called who more! It's not enough that I don't know when he'll be available so I wait for him to tell me.  I may text him first and he will call me back and so that counts as him calling me and me not calling him.  If he calls when I am in a meeting and I text that I can't talk now but will call back when the meeting is over he will continue to text me incessantly and get mad if I don't text back.  Then when I do call him he is angry that I didn't leave the meeting to talk to him (just to say hi).  Then he demands to know what is so important that I couldn't prioritize him over it.  He gets mad if I work a full day then gets mad that I take too much leave from work (to make up hours I didn't work because he wouldn't let me).  He expects me to stay on the phone with him for hours on end every day when he is not busy or wants to talk, even if he is making TONS of noise and not paying attention to the conversation, even if I don't want to distract him from his work for safety reasons, even if he doesn't have anything to say.  He expects me to carry the conversation and then says he can't get a word in edgewise and I love the sound of my own voice.  If I am quiet to let him speak, he says I am acting weird and must be hiding something.  He will even make me sit on the phone in silence the entire time between work and bed and get mad if I say I can't get things done with him on the phone.  He is equally mad if I try to do them while on the phone with him.  I feel like my life has been on hold as I can't do the chores and projects I need to get done and then he criticizes me for being lazy for not doing them! If I go to a store he times me and accuses me of going there to meet up with people and hang out with them without him even though I NEVER do.  He says no one should ever take as long as I do in the store and he makes me stay on the phone with him while I am there.  Since I have been trying to start a B&B in my attached apartment (underway months before we met) and I have been helping him with a remodel of his house it can sometimes take hours to do the shopping, especially if I am on my own searching for bargains or cheaper alternative items to do the same job (like a stacking shelf for $3 instead of a $12 shoe rack).  He guilts me into keeping him on the phone when I talk to my neighbor and then analyzes the entire conversation and belittles my social skills telling me I'm an attention whore and making people uncomfortable because they don't really want to talk to me.  Then he says he never wanted to be on the phone and tries to blame me for it.

This last blow up was because I met up with a person to buy something for the B&B that was posted on a facebook garage sale group.  I talked to the person a week ago but didn't buy the item.  I misunderstood and thought they had sold it.  When I saw it reposted I contacted the person and clarified that it was still available so I arranged to buy it after a doctor appointment.  I picked up the item and snapped a photo of the area and sent the photo to my partner so that when we connected by phone after his work day I could tell him about it.  He got the photo and immediately freaked out demanded to know why I was hanging out there, what I was doing, who was I seeing, what was I hiding, why wasn't I home sick like I was supposed to be, and why was it so important that I go pick up this item and talk to this person, etc.  He didn't even give me a chance to tell him about it.  So I sent him screenshots of the entire interaction.  Then he accused me of making up excuses to go meet some guy who lives near me and is not wearing a shirt in his profile picture (I didn't even notice because I didn't care and it's like a half-inch tall on my phone screen)! He accused me of hiding it from him for a week and then he wanted to know how long the interaction took, etc.  He was furious that I had spoken to the person about the item a week prior and not told him.  I wasn't buying it then so why would I?! He was sure I was cheating and hooking up with this random person! I have NEVER EVER been a cheater in any way EVER and he knows it!

He said I was just making excuse to meet and hang out with people behind his back so I could cheat because that's all anyone uses online yard sale groups for.  He said NO ONE does this for any other reason! I told him BILLIONS of people do daily and I have for years and he knows that I have participated in freecycle and online yard sale groups for over a decade and that I have been able to furnish two complete houses and an apartment for pennies on the dollar as a result.  He has marveled at the deals I've gotten.  I have even sent him several screenshots of items available for his house under remodel so he knows I look for him too.  In addition to that MORE THAN 2/3 OF THE POPULATION OF OUR CITY IS ON THIS ONE YARDSALE GROUP! Yet he claims he has NEVER known even ONE person who has ever done this.  How would he know? He refuses to join facebook, he has no friends, and he never talks about anything personal with anyone.  Why would people he will only talk shop with tell him about some insignificant purchase they made when he is so antisocial and disinterested in anyone else's life?

He claims my new B&B is just a front to cheat! He gives me no credit for setting it up to be fully automated using airbnb and electronic code locks to minimize interactions with people.  Plus the unit is COMPLETELY separate from my living quarters (I live upstairs and the units have fire walls between them, separate entrances, and separate parking areas)! In fact, I've been paralyzed by fear to start and haven't even opened (though it's been a year of preparation) because he does not approve! So I am a lazy person if I can't pay my own way but I am a lying cheating attention whore if I rent my attached apartment!

I am in so much pain at the insults he flings at me.  I cannot do anything right.  He has kept score and lied to me about clearing up misunderstandings and forgiving me (when I never even did anything wrong).  He accuses me of made up liaisons and imaginary meetings with people.  He disapproves of me seeing male health practitioners.  When I went with him to an appointment and asked the doctor a few questions that he hadn't asked about recovery after surgery he accused me of flirting with the doctor and ignoring him! He accuses me of having inappropriate interactions with my dentist because they have a unique marketing model where they have family day and invite all their patients to the pool by a mass email once a year.  I never go or respond as it doesn't interest me and I don't have kids.  The emails are sent automatically from a robot to all patients but my partner accuses me of inappropriately "talking" to my male dentist or getting weird invitations out of him! He didn't approve me of me going to see another practitioner that was male so after one appointment I canceled the others and did not go back.

I am also a musician and I have given up taking gigs because my partner does not approve.  He hates that I can have fun without him.  He accuses me of wanting to hang out with other people without him and that that is wrong and cheating.  He wants to know what is so special about the people in these groups that I ever need to be with them.  He says any person that invites me to play in a group or wants to hire me is wanting to hit on me and he then says that I invite it.  He says they all just want to screw me.  I try to show him how I have never cheated, how in my whole life I have rarely been hit on, and how I have never let anyone tempt me to cheat.  I try to tell him that I can't be held responsible for what other people and that I have earned his trust that he only needs to be concerned with what I do if such a situation should occur.  I show him everything and he finds fault in all of it.  If I don't show him, then I am lying.  Some of the musicians are eccentric.  He hasn't met many of them because I haven't played hardly at all since we got together this year so he doesn't know how effeminate, gay, and married they are.  He says none of that matters.  He doesn't even think it matters that I do not invite attention and do not encourage or enjoy it, that I have never accepted advances, that I agree that some of the people are weird.  One person recently invited me to play with their annual production and at the end of the email he wrote, "it will be fun and beautiful".  My partner took that as an advance! It is not, it is just the person's way of being.  And even if it was, I did nothing to encourage it and I did nothing wrong for considering the gig.  I declined but that still wasn't good enough.  I was still a bad person because this person contacted me.  My partner is a hypocrite! I used the example of a woman who contacted him before we met and wanted to get back together.  I said I understood that he could not be blamed for her actions.  He agreed it is not his fault for her doing that but he could see how it is also not my fault if people talk to me, whether they hit on me or not.  I explained to him that it feels like I cannot interact with men without him being upset.  He laughs it off but then when I show him how he is not concerned about me talking to women, he balks.  I asked what if they were gay women? Couldn't there be equal chance that they might hit on me? He laughs at me and says I'm crazy and that it would not even be the same thing.

He accuses me of planning trips without him.  I had committed to two trips before we even met.  I invited him to come with me.  I ended up canceling both because of him and my finances.  I don't even talk to people anymore.  I used to be open and friendly and smiling all the time.  I have completely altered how I  interact with people because I cared so much about him that I cared more about not hurting him than being "right"!   I was willing to give up everything for him and did) and all he can do is spit on me.  Now I walk around with my eyes down, with a hat pulled down low over my eyes when I'm not at work, and I stay in my office with the door closed when I am at work.  I don't acknowledge people politely anymore for fear of being accused that I know them or want to get to know them.  I don't ever socialize without him.  I can't even go on a group hike or take my dog for a walk.  Then he says I resent him for not being able to be me, which is true to some extent.  He does not believe anyone can be friends without it turning into cheating.  I will post some of the recent tirades next

He has also accused me of having people over when he is not there.  I NEVER do.  I rarely drink and I can’t handle much alcohol but I wanted to learn to make this one martini at home so I bought the ingredients and made one shaker full.  I put the vodka in the freezer when I was done.  It made two martinis so it took me two nights to drink it.  A week later, while I was on the phone with him, I discovered that the lid to the vodka was not on tight and it had leaked out and most of the bottle was gone.  I was upset because it cost so much.  He asked me, “Did it really leak? You didn’t just drink it with someone else while I was gone?” !!!!!! I could NEVER drink that much, even with help!

He has also imagined that somehow a pack of new socks he bought and misplaced disappeared from my house.  He keeps saying someone must have been over and stole them.  Or someone else must have a key.  Since then I have noticed I am missing a book (on emotional abuse) and a few towels.  He keeps taking his laundry to his house to do and I think he is the one that took the socks and towels.  I never even saw the socks but he claims he left them in a specific place and our neighbor, who briefly had a key to housesit while we were gone, must have either broken in or taken them while we were gone.  Or he thinks that I gave them to my neighbor or someone else.  WHY?!  He put up security cameras and I think it’s more to watch ME.  I am glad they are there though as they prove he is off his rocker and that I have done NOTHING he accuses me of and NO ONE has been to the house. He just says I have control of what he can see on the cameras.  HE INSTALLED THEM!  NOTHING is edited ever!  I don’t even know how I would edit the recordings!

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When the last fight started I cut it off at the pass and decided not to let him continue into a downward spiral as he always has before.  He started bringing up irrelevant, supposedly resolved things from FEBRUARY just to insult me.  I told him I was not interested  in rehashing things that he is just using to insult me and that I was going to  hang up.  He demanded I listen to him and I said no, I was not going to do that,  that there was no point in it.  I  was mad.   So of course he started screaming names and obscenities as I hung up.  (I never just abruptly hang up on him without warning as he does to me in his tantrums but  he will never just let me go, it always has to deteriorate into him screaming names or him hanging up.  However, he still claims I hang up on him when I finally have to end the conversation.  CONTROL.)

He texted and called repeatedly and I simply texted back that I was done talking for the night and  I turned my ringer off.  I checked  around  midnight and found more than 20 missed calls one right after the other in  clusters and a  handful  of  texts.  He accused me of playing games  and finally said if I didn't tell him I was alright he would call the police.  I knew he was trying to manipulate me to engage but I finally broke down and said I was fine and good night!  He called and texted more but I left my ringer off.  The next morning he started  in with more calls and texts.  I finally answered and he kept oscillating between "I don't  want  to fight,  I'm sorry" and horrible insults.  As soon as the "c" word came out again I said no, I was not going  to listen  to that and i hung up and turned my ringer off again.  He immediately texted a bunch  of horrible insults (though I didn't  know it  until much later, after I sent him a message to try to diffuse and reset).  I knew he needed to cool down.  I figured he would and realize what had really happened, as he (says he) has before.  

So, I am  asking a favor of the group.  I would like your feedback on what I sent him as an olive branch and an attempt to clarify and set healthy boundaries and expectations.  I need your help to first clear up anything I might have done to contribute to escalating the matter.  This is important to me.  I do understand  no matter what abuse is not ok.  This request isn't about placing blame or accepting responsibility for his actions.   It is about accepting responsibility for my actions alone and learning to better communicate to avoid this sort of thing with anyone else in the future (in any kind of  relationship).

Please tell me straight up how you would feel if you received this message and what you think it means to you.  At this stage please concentrate on the  message itself, not the fact that I should not  have reached out to him to take more abuse.  Please tell me what I said or did wrong here, what could be construed as negative or inappropriate to the  recipient. I can and will take it constructively.  I hope I didn't say or do anything  wrong, but I want to know if any of you see anything here that was the way he saw it.  Then I will share what he did next.

-----------
"I love you very much and there are many fantastic things about being with you. You are kind and generous and loving. You are sweet and dedicated and thoughtful. You love deeply and you share often your view of our future. You help me see the world in new ways. You are emotionally raw and willing to be vulnerable. I love these things and so many others. But it seems there is so much fear of losing us that it hinders the ability to truly trust in independent strength and it is self sabotaging. We struggle with the same issues over and over and I see us heading down a negative path.

"We need to respect our individuality. We need to give each other room to develop ourselves. This includes allowing solitude. This helps us to be stronger and happier, more stable, and more able to cope with challenges, find solutions, and experience joy both on our own and together.  We need to understand this is not avoiding, ignoring, or choosing others over one another. We need to recognize that it is a positive thing to be apart. It allows us to build ourselves in a way that keeps us interesting to and interested in one other. Returning to each other after time away allows us to be at our best and better appreciate the time together.

"I cherish both social time and time alone.  Sometimes I engage in a social event to achieve personal solitude. In the case of playing music, for example, I may be physically participating in a group activity to play the music but I am mentally very deep within myself--even detached from others--in the experience. Other times I need complete silence and no one around at all.

"We both need to be able to form and maintain our own relationships and interests. We need to make room for the other to make their own attempts, their own progress, their own mistakes--to fail and succeed as individuals. We need to learn our own lessons and we need to support each other through successes and failures. This is necessary to build a lasting partnership.

"When I am happy I am a naturally friendly, confident person and I need the freedom to be that way, even if it is imperfect, even if you (or others) sometimes perceive it as socially awkward.

"We need to trust each other to interact professionally and platonically with others, even socially. We need to give each other space and freedom to have normal interactions with strangers, coworkers, and friends, and even meet new people and develop new relationships. We need to allow each other to handle the behavior of others in our own way. We need to allow the other to be innocently and naively oblivious. We need to acknowledge the other's ability to choose an appropriate response when we are aware of inappropriate attention, to include choosing to either ignore or actively rebuff advances. We need not to be held accountable for other people's actions. We need not to feel we *must* report everything and yet still *want* to share openly with each other without fear of judgment or repercussions.

"We need to allow each other to be who we are.  We need to respect each other and not criticize the other's character. We need to communicate constructively when we feel unsure. We need to develop healthy ways to express our feelings without attacking.  We need to care as much about ourselves as we care about the other. We need our actions to meet our words.  We need to make our physical and emotional health our top priority.

"We need to set, respect, and defend individual boundaries. We need to acknowledge when our conversations deteriorate into unhelpful territory. We need to allow us both down time to gather our thoughts, step back to gain perspective, and recoup our emotional and physical strengths so that we can find a way forward.

"We need to foster uniqueness in each other. We need to allow room for ourselves to be different from our partner's expectations, to surprise and delight the other. We need to be partners in encouraging us to grow individually and as a couple.

"We need to understand that these needs are not an affront on the other or our relationship.

"I need to hear what you feel we need."
-----------------------
 

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My only feedback is why do you put up with this? He won't change. You won't be able to set boundaries. You won't be able to fix anything. This is how he wants it. Do you want to continue living this way? I couldn't even read through living that way. I think my own misery is too fresh.

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You are right. I understand not being able to read through it.  I won't put up with it anymore.  I just wanted to see if others  could  see it as  I  intended it to  be. I'm  practicing communicating fairly and openly.   I tried not to  be accusatory or to put it all on one party. I am learning to  set  and  defend boundaries.  Was I manipulative?  Was I controlling? Was I  abusive?  Am I  the hypocrite he claims I am?

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After ignoring me all day he called me and texted me in rapid succession while I was doing chores in the other room.  My phone was on the charger so I didn't hear it.  When I heard the phone on the last of 4 calls I picked up and saw more texts of bull accusations.  He once again oscillated between rage and half apologies.  I gave him no ground.  I was mad.  I called him on all his bull.  He tried to accuse me of ignoring him.  I reiterated that this was the first time all day I had heard from him since the morning conversation and that I was the last to make contact (through email).  He scoffed and said email didn't count.  Again he brought up the scorecard of call logs.  Then he tried to claim he did call and I ignored him because he had JUST done so and I didn't pick up the first time.  I was not going to let him get away with any garbage.  I called him on his hypocrisy and said, where was your contact after I emailed you this morning? It's now 9:30 at night and this is the first attempt you have made to even acknowledge my message.  He said he wrote back but hadn't sent it yet.  I knew what was coming.  I knew it would be filled with vitriol, deflection, and more abuse.  I knew he was lying about wanting to resolve things.  He blew up again and I ended the conversation.  Then as I knew he would, within seconds he immediately fired off the email he had prepared earlier and not sent, which was exactly what I knew it would be but so much worse.  I knew he had been sitting on this and it was the reality of his feelings, not the bull he kept trying to spoon feed me over the phone.

This was his response:

----------------

"What you are so eloquently referring to is called, "Having your cake and eating it to." If you want to live like your single than you should do just that. Pure and simple. You can't do both and expect your partner to just choke on it. You mentioned about four times how "we " need solitude and to meet new people and develope new relationships. As if you didn't already bring enough complete sh*t for me to choke on before this. If "we" aren't doing that together, than "we" aren't really " we" are we?

I've known a few women who are experts at this argument.  Always justifying their actions with redoric and what they feel they need. Why do you all confuse need with want? What you need is to make up your mind to be single or not, period. It is bullsh*t in its purest form. I have been through it a couple of times. You are well spoken yet so completely full of sh*t. Paint it any color you want. It's still sh*t.

You said it yourself. You don't need me. You need everything in that letter but me. You go out of your way to prove it constantly. I got it. The best part is how I bring none of this nonsense to our relationship, nor would I, and it has absolutely no bering what so ever. Doesn't mean a thing to you. I work, eat, sleep, and in between i do everything i can for "we".

I dont need to post personal profiles to make sure that everything with a p*ssy and smart phone  not only knows about me but at any given moment can contact me, hang out in stores for hours on end talking to anyone but my significant other, arrange meetings with strangers under the guise of  "just buying stuff", plan trips out of town where by which i plan to go without you, join every chat group I can and make sure regularly that anyone can contact me, play games in the middle of the night with who ever even while your next to me. On and on and on... It all works out quite well for you and still nothing accept to be told your not being who you really are by not doing a lot more of it. Priceless. It is truly remarkable.

You see,  the difference between good people who are randomly confronted with the situation of strangers acting inappropriately and people like you, is this: You hold the door open and have arrows and a sign that reads," Come try your luck." You go out of your way to invite it.

You are some how convinced that you are entitled to everything. If that is what you want, than have at it. I wont be around to choke on it. The end all beat all is being told that you aren't who you want be with me still after all that. 

Although,  the "{my partner} is an oppressive, controlling, clearly abusive monster diary " doesn't help much either. I should have known early on by the way you carry-on and on about your exes and almost ex. (Still f*cking married and you dont get enough attention) Everything is their fault. It's kind of like when you wind up with someone who at the time, is cheating on someone else to be with you and actually expecting them not to do you the same way some day. Ludicrous. Just throw me on the pile and burn it down. Your good at that.

There is really no reason to carry this on any longer. There is no happy ending in sight. There really isnt. I won't be blamed for you not being what ever you want to be for another minute. Mabi this will be the rebound you need. What you "need" is a  hard working man yet fat and lazy with a lot of money who is gone alot and has the IQ of a soft ball. Missed it by that much.

If you truly believe I am f*cked up for feeling this way, then I don't know what to tell you. I DON'T THINK SO. Yes , I have my moments and I have made mistakes and let my anger get the best of me by saying some awful things to you. But really? Do you honestly believe I bring the problems to this relationship? Can you  really with a clear conscounce, say that i am to blame? Besides my job and the way I have had trouble trying to understand and deal with some things. I believe I have been exceptional at being understanding of some serious issues and have worked very hard to make things better for us. Oh well. You can always "choose" another. That must feel good having that kind of power. A fun little game that is very popular in {this area}.

The B&B makes so much more sense now. F*cking rediculous. For calling you on your Bullsh*t,  we get labeled as control freaks and abusive a*s holes. Thanks again. Make sure you get that eviction notice filled out and throw my sh*t into a box. Don't worry if it breaks again. You know I deserve it.

Actually, the best part was telling you we had a lot of work in {town} the other day and getting no response from you. Hmm mm. .. what could that mean? Must have thrown a wrench into your secret plans somehow. Like it ever mattered. Did you get to talk to who you really wanted last night. You ditched me real quick over a simple fact I mentioned. That is interesting too. Picking a fight to justify talking to someone else has been done before. It's an old trick. Again doesn't matter. Since you have always made a point of telling me you don't need me, guess what? I need you even less. I need to be away from all your hypocritical Bullsh*t.

"Physical and mental well being our top priority"? Are you  f*cking serious? I have been taking care of myself on both those fronts. You have not and yet you have the balls to lecture me about them. I have talked to professionals about my mental state. I have been exercising and taking care of my body. Have you? Nope. Hypocritical Bullsh*t. You want to meet new people?  Enjoy. Mabi they will be worth loosing weight for. I never was. You in your f*cking glass house throwing stones all the time. Give me a f*cking break. I am f*cking done.

Get a f*cking divorce, loose fifty f*cking pounds, live within your means and above all else wake and grow the f*ck up. That is what you "need". Chronic illness my d*ck. Your lazy and delusional and a serious hypocondriac as well a tremendous hypocrite. Put  that in your f*cking journal. You don't get to act high and mighty to me ever again."

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So I responded by text and told him to take responsibility for his own actions.  That I am not what he says I am and I don't deserve to be called a c*nt.  I told him that's not how mature adults behave.  I told him I defending myself against his attacks doesn't give him the right to treat me this way.  I told him I want his things off my property.

He responded "I know you do you hateful ungrateful b*tch.  You'll just have to wait.  F*ck you!!!"

I told him he was predictable.  He said, "So is everything you do.  Have a nice day.  While your at it stay the f*ck away from my house."

 

I wrote back, "I am happy to be predictable.  It means t hat I am doing exactly as I say I am doing as I always have." and more.

 

He went on and on belittling and demeaning me, calling me names, bringing up my past failed relationships and saying I have baggage and I should not throw stones from my glass house.  He said, "You don't know what love is." Then he went on to say how I've used him and I haven't done enough for him and I'm ungrateful.  He controls everything we do and decides what we do.  He feigns interest in my input then gets mad at me if it's not what he wants.  He forces me to let him do things for me and then holds it against me later and says I used him! He says I don't do enough for him but I have spent thousands of dollars and tons of hours doing things for him and his house while he is away without even being asked.  Then he throws it at me saying I was really doing it for other reasons, for other people.  He used to have roommates.  Once when they were all away I cleaned the house for him, mostly his private room and bathroom and the common areas.  I didn't touch their rooms.  I started and he was on the phone with me the entire 4 hours.  He then told me they roommates would be back before him so it would be a waste.  I said well, I'm already doing it so maybe they will come back, see it clean, and keep it nice.  He then accused me of doing it all for them and hanging around the house wanting to run into them when he was gone (even though he knows I never saw or talked to them and rushed to finish before he said they were due back).  He now says I ignored him to do the cleaning though I was on the phone with him the ENTIRE time, which is INCREDIBLY difficult to do!

 

He accused me of secret meetings with his roommates and lying.  He actually said, "You were MIA and said you were in the shower.  {Keep your f*cking lies straight whore.}" I am not even allowed to shower now as that is unaccounted for time in his mind! I have actually had to have him on the phone while I was in the shower!! Once he even showed up to rehearsal unexpectedly and uninvited to check on me and see if I was really where I said I was!! Sometimes groups I play for closed rehearsals to protect intellectual property and maximize ticket sales and that makes him suspicious too! I explain to him why and that he can still come and hang out outside or stop by and text me and I'll come out at a break to prove I am there.  Then he just says I am doing something untoward behind closed doors that I don't want him to know about.

 

He called me a whore, and brought up things he had never mentioned before, saying I was in the kitchen with my t*ts hanging out of in front of them, that I had time lapses with them, that I flirted with them, that he actually had to step between me and one of them, and again brought up the time in the bar when we were trying to get them to come home safely.  I was astounded.  The depths of his illness know no bounds.

He accused me of being a hypochondriac and lazy even though I have been under the care of physicians for over a decade and have real diagnoses.  He has even seen 
the physical effects and been alarmed and urged me to go to the doctor.  So I did go, to see four practitioners in the past few months, two in the past week at his urging.  And somehow I was wrong for that and he discouraged me from seeing two again because they are men! He said I don't care about my health and don't care about him enough to make it better.  That I'm making it all up.  He claimed I'm lazy but I work FOUR jobs.

 

He goes through my phone and the other day he discovered a note to myself that I wrote months ago when he last blew up (July).  He sat there reading it when I asked him not to.  So with this fight he brought that up again and said I was keeping a secret one-sided journal of all my made up offenses he has done.  I NEVER go through his things and he hides things.  He recently sent a bunch of old film off for developing and wouldn't let me look with him until he had previewed all of the pictures.  Then he showed me only a few.

I never broke his things.  I took great care to pack them for him and move them to carefully consolidate them into one room.  HE rushed to move out and threw everything into a trailer before I got home.  It's more likely HE broke ONE thing that was ALREADY broken and had VERY MINOR damage after all that.

 

He likes to say that we get along most of the time, as if it's OK that he has these occasional blow ups and I should just accept them and take the blows and  forget them (while he keeps adding to the grudge scoreboard).  He called me entitled.  I told him I never asked for anything.  I told him he does not even respect my basic human rights, that he will not ever allow me to be an independent adult.  I told him I am his possession, his toy, only allowed to serve him at his whim.  

 

He called me more names and told me to shove my bullsh*t up my a*s and repeatedly "f*ck you". 

 

He is so insecure that he has to invent offenses.  He can't handle that I don't stoop to those levels and do bad things.  He needs someone who is culpable and someone that he can put down to make himself feel bigger.  Anyone who won't doesn't last long with him.  He needs someone that has something he can hold over them.

 

Last time he promised counseling but then made constant excuses and never did it.  He deflected and said, "Don't you think any of this is your fault?" He wanted couples counseling and on the advise of you guys here, I refused.  But he never was serious.  He did call a number of offices but claimed all their recordings said they were busy for months out or not taking new patients and then he kept claiming it wasn't possible because he traveled too much for work.  I encouraged him to get online or phone consults but he never did.  Now he is claiming he's talked to people about his mental health?? When?! 20 years ago? MAYBE? If he HAD recently, he would have told me, bragged about it, to prove his word, as he always does.  He never did and it shows.  If he had, he would have had to work through some of these issues.

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I realize this is a lot.  It's therapeutic for me.  Typing this out has really helped me to look at it in black and white.  I feel so free.  It seems so easy to stay away now.  Why would I ever believe he'll ever be different? He is fundamentally flawed.  Broken.  This is not my fault.  I do not want this life.  Thank you for listening

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I was excused of having my cake and eating it too. It's projection. That's what they want, not what we have. You will never win one of these discussions. At some point I decided I had to walk away. Now he's too poor to give me anything. It's still better on my own.

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As predicted he is trying to weedle his way back again. So obvious it's all about HIS needs. "I really need to talk to you." Not gonna happen. Bye, Felicia!

 

 

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He liked to say how he never wants to hurt me, disrespect me, call me names, etc. yet he did time and time again. He clearly knew how he was supposed to act because when we met he was very respectful. He chooses not to act appropriately and furthermore I believe he was just pretending to be respectful. It's clear now that he has always been holding grudges on that private scoreboard, unable to let go past issues, just lying about resolving them.

Only he can control himself. No one has any power over him making him behave the way he does, even if he claims I make him do it.  The last time we spoke on the phone he started in with this crap, "I never wanted to do that to you." I said to him, "Then why DO you? It's really easy not to do something. If you don't want to, you just don't do it."

"Because you're a c*nt--!!!!!"

"--OK [click!]"

Nope. Not going to listen to that. I don't have to and he can't make me. I do not deserve that. No one does. 

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chachacha - I would highly recommend that you turn off your phone.  That way you don't have to hear the phone when he calls or texts.  No contact means just that.  Do not answer, do not respond.  It will be hard at first, but you'll get through this a whole lot easier if you just don't engage him.  As long has you respond to him he believes that he still has you on the hook.

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Some of the control we just astounding. "Why do you wear perfume?"  "I have been with women that spent hundreds a month on hair, nails, etc. [with disgust] They always said it was for them. Yeah right." "If you lose weight, aren't you afraid you'll get more unwanted attention?" This while calling me fat and telling me to "lose 50 f*cking pounds". 

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Yes, ringer is off. The only thing I will answer is where he can find his keys to move out when he returns. As soon as his stuff is out of here he will be out of my life for good and I will block him. 

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Oh man, the hoover is on high now! I am actually laughing. Not to be cruel, just because I can recognize it for what it is and not let him manipulate me.  This is mental illness.

Four texts from him I did not answer:

"Good morning. I am sorry for fighting with you. I am sorry you feel the way you do. I hope you have a good day."

"I do love you with all my heart."

[my thought to myself: that ain't love]

"Can I please talk to you?

"I really need to talk to you please"

[my thought to myself: and I need NOT to talk to him lol!]

Then an email I am not going to answer. Here are some choice excerpts with my comments in brackets.

"Look I'm a clearly damaged person. Nothing means more to me than to be everything you ever wanted. I am not and it hurts very much. My trust issue is not unfounded and the things that drive me crazy are real. You are not undamaged and the things that drive you crazy are real."

[deflecting, projecting. Trust is one thing, but automatically assuming I'm a terrible cheat and liar because of other peoples' (claimed) past behavior and treating me like crap for their offenses against him is unfounded and unacceptable. Of course I'm not perfect, of course I'm damaged, but that is not a reason to abuse, control, and manipulate EVER]

"I never wanted credit for changing you or for you to give up anything for me."

[in fact,  he  wanted to change  me MORE. I failed at meeting his impossible ideals and no matter what I did I always would, even if I did EVERYTHING  ever demanded of me.  There would always be some other hidden, impossible requirement that I would unknowingly break so he could justify blowing up at me.]

"I am a jealous person and I hate it. You tell me I am living in the past. I really am not. I see things that remind me of the past, but I don't live there. If i did, I wouldn't be where I am today."

[And yet he included several stories of past relationships in the email...  Where is he exactly today?  Certainly not in a healthy, well-adjusted, loving relationship or even in a functioning role in society.]

"I love you with all of my heart and I know what an accepting person you are."

[*giant sucking sound* then whoops! true colors, more deflecting, trying to put blame on me.]

"You have a great deal of stress on you that has nothing to do with me. I have many thing s that weigh on me that have nothing to do with you. With that, it seems we were doomed from the start. I don't want it that way and I never did."

[He can't even pretend to take responsibility for his actions without blaming others for more than a sentence at a time! He used to love to say, "You got a lot going on" as if it's something he had to tolerate, a burden on him that I had my own life.]

"You are right about we needing to have a healthy relationship. I was trying to show you what strains me and what I see as unnecessary stress that you seem to create. That doesn't make me right. I want for nothing else but to get passed all of it and move on."

[nope! I don't create the stress on him. That's all imagined. How exactly did I stress him by carrying on about my day innocently and normally as an independent, free adult? Me participating a simple, common transaction to buy an item on a yard sale group should not ever cause him stress. And even if it did, that is not on me and further he had no right to treat me the way he did.]

"I am damned if I hold it and  damned if I share."

[nope, sharing is good, abusing is bad, asking is fine, abusing and guilting is bad]

"You have changed and given up alot of what drives my stress. I do know that. It kills me to read about how you feel by what you have done for me. It really kills me."

[Because my having a life is a stressor on him, and my stopping having a life is also a stressor on him... Riiiiiiight... Getting the picture yet?]

"I have never known someone like you. I evidently am not capable or qualified to be with such a person. I want to be. Oh god  do I want to be. I want to be everything to you. But when the chips are down. Your not happy at all and feel the way I never wanted you to."

[blaming again, it's all my fault because I'm not happy with the way he treats me]

"I really was doing my all for you I thought."

[confusing doing things for me/us with treating me with the respect and freedom  due an independent adult human being, not understanding that that does not make up for or give him the right to abuse]

"I had no idea you felt so bad about me until I read that on your phone."

[He's talking about the OLD private notes I made to myself months ago about the last big blow up that he refused to stop reading. Ummmmm... no. We have talked about it ad nauseum and I have given him chance after chance after chance to change his behavior. It never sinks in, obviously, because he says he is surprised by how I feel, which he has said before.  He can't keep being surprised by the same thing over and over again! He doesn't change, he just pretends and holds secret grudges then blows up and abuses. He also thinks that doing nice things makes up for abuse. At one point he actually managed to get me to convince myself that maybe this is as good as it gets for me, that I didn't deserve better, that I was too picky, that I should just shut up and accept it (my words)! That's messed up.]

"I have not gone through your phone."

[Then how did he read that on my phone? How did he see the OLD fb photos he was upset about before? How about OLD texts from people before we started dating? Sure, I was there and I let him look at my phone but I explicitly asked him NOT to read my OLD, PRIVATE thoughts once I saw what he was reading and he refused to stop. He repeatedly went through my photos and asked to see my facebook, then later said he shouldn't even have to ask.  He also repeatedly said I get to "talk to whoever I want whenever I want and go wherever I want" and he "can't stop me" and "has no way of knowing", automatically assuming and accusing me of hiding conversations. He really believed I was hiding cheating and every time he explodes he accuses me of having someone else around.  He really believes that whatever interactions I must be having must be inappropriate.  Sick.]

"I have not put your work on hold. I ask in txts all the time. I am not an abusive controlling person. I really thought I went out of my way to give you the space and freedom you need and deserve. Being told I haven't hurts beyond belief."

[Delusions, delusions everywhere! Sure, he asks if he's interrupting but he doesn't really give me room to be honest.  If I say yes, then I pay for it dearly, usually repeatedly and for days or weeks to come. And giving me space and freedom?  Where exactly?  When? HOW? Of course he controlled.  There is absolutely no other reason to force/guilt me to be on the phone CONSTANTLY for no reason for HOURS EVERY DAY just to know where I am, what I'm doing, other than to control. He needs to ensure I am not talking to anyone or doing anything and if I do, he needs to find fault in it.  No other reason to freak out when I have a NORMAL interaction with another human being with or without him. I can't even function as an individual adult human being.  I even tried to set boundaries and talk to him less but then he accused me of "not being available" and  avoiding  him and obviously screwing around on him. It's all about CONTROL and MANIPULATION.]

"I never wanted to be done with you. I love you with all that I am."

[and that's not much!]

"You say my perception is off, that every women I have been with is a failure on my part. That is not true."

[I did tell him that his perception is off (and it is), but I never said that all the women he's been with were failures on his part. I asked him before if there was room to consider that maybe his perception of some of what happened with them might have been off.  I asked does he really believe they were ALL identical cheaters and ALL wrong about him being abusive and controlling? If he says they all accused him of this before then they saw it and I'm seeing it now so yes, it is there now and probably was there then.  And yep, this sort of thing is not simply a mistake, it's a FUNDAMENTAL BRAIN ERROR that results in recurring behavior BECAUSE IT'S WHO HE IS AND HE CANNOT CHANGE.]

"I worked my a*s off my whole life and all I ever wanted was a family and someone I could trust. [lots of stories of exes being the problem and paranoid delusions about one of them trying to have him killed] I learned a lot the hard way. If had any self respect or self esteem to begin with, i never would have put myself there. I know"

[Huh, so if he shouldn't put up with crazy behavior he claims his exes exhibited, why should I put up with abuse from him (or anyone)? Aren't I good enough and self respecting enough to reject it and stand my ground? He used to tell me what I shouldn't put up with from others and tell me how I was supposed to respond to the behavior (I wasn't allowed to ignore flirting, for example).  But strangely he couldn't see he was doing the same and worse.  I just can't figure out how people like this can find these faults in others but not their own (worse) behavior.  These same people can watch a movie and admonish in shock the mistreatment of people on screen but they can't/won't see it in what they are doing.  It's that lack of insight again.]

[more stories of exes... but he's not living in the past...]

"My stories don't change and they are absolutely true. I did nothing to deserve any of it. I am not misinterpreting any of this."

[Really? Huh...]

"I did not ask for any of this. I am not leaving anything out that would lead you to believe i somehow earned it. I did not try to control anyone and in most cases never had a chance to. I made mistakes and we had arguements and i have been wrong, but come on. My perception is not off, nor am I concealing facts."

[Ummmm... no.]

"XXXXX was the last long term. But it is and was never really that. She saw me coming and I was all part of her plan [...xxxx...] Oh I know I played a horrible part in all of it and I should have ruthlessly run away. I didn't.  I honestly got involved because [...xxxx...] I thought [she and her kids] deserved better. I know, presumptuous and egotistical and half a dozen other horrible characteristics I exhibited by doing so. I know how wrong I was. I hate myself for it and have to live with it. I don't live in any of that. I haven't forgotten about it either."

[He is very much living in the past and punishing me for others' offenses against him. I used to tell him that it felt like I had walked into  a 100-year argument that I was not privy to.  He said he understood but then kept doing  it and denying doing it.]

"I am sorry I know what I know about people and the way they behave."

[Ummmm, not ALL people. How can anyone go through life like that and  expect to interact with anyone on any level? I used to ask him, "If you really think I am just like all the others you hated, why would you be with me?" he hated that and tried to turn it around and say that I was telling him to leave. I said, "No, I am ASKING. How can you be with me if you really believe that's how I am? Why would you WANT to be?"]

"I am sorry for unnecessarily questioning anything you have done. I try to plead my case and I get called everything from crazy to insecure to manipulating to controlling and abusive."

[He IS ALL of these things. Though I never called him crazy he said others have and he even said some of his symptoms match what he read online for schizophrenia and that scared him.  He often screams, "I'm not crazy!" He'll both say it in a fight and when he's describing someone he thinks is out to get him or somehow offending him (which occurs incredibly frequently--several times a day).  He is not just behaving badly or simply missing coping and communication tools as I thought before. He IS inherently an abuser.]

"I have talked to and am still seeking someone to talk to. For what it's worth. The last one gave me credit for being a caring person with bad luck. I know, probably a fraud."

[Yeah right, 20 years ago ONE TIME and still not actively in counseling now. All those thousands of hours he made me sit on the phone with him could have been time for him to work on himself and I gently suggested that more than once.  But he wanted to self medicate and do things his own way, going to the gym instead and avoiding the treatment he really needs to minimally function in society. He would say he's a lot  more fun with and  relaxed when he has a drink or two or a little marijuana and he even admitted  to lying to me a few times about having used some.  Anyway, I have asked, encouraged, and waited patiently and months tick by without making it a priority in any way. He just deflects or gets angry if I bring it up and makes excuses then attacks me for being a hypocrite.  Funny he would have never allowed me the time or privacy to see a counselor or talk to one on the phone. He would accuse me of lying and telling them only bad things about them and then claiming I'm either inappropriately talking to a counselor that I shouldn't b e talking to (man) or lying about talking to a counselor and actually doing something else with someone else.]

"I am not insecure about myself most of the time."

[Ummmmm, that's not what I saw in 10 months with him... One of his coworkers that introduced us even warned that he is INCREDIBLY insecure.  I should have said, "And I would want to date someone like that because...?"]

"I suppose the part of the past that I hang on to is knowing I was never worth not doing that that sh*t to by others. I am left wonder why. I never cheated on or lied to any of them."

[He's right, they shouldn't have treated him badly, but from what he has told me, they did not abuse him and further NOTHING is ever an excuse to abuse another. So he can lament his past all he wants, it doesn't explain abusing me or anyone else.]

"I have always made being a  decent human being my biggest priority and can't stand it when people think otherwise of me. It's It's a flaw I have always had. I read like a book. When  something is wrong, everyone knows it. I can't help what effects me. I can['t] help the way it does and I have always known that. Just havent been good at it. I am sorry about the things I have said in anger and I never wanted you to feel the way you do. It hurts more than anything I have ever done."

[Yeah, this is not just saying things in anger, it is much more perfidious and deeper within him. People know it because he becomes  ENRAGED and can't control himself.  He says he worries about people labeling him crazy like his brother because his brother was in counseling and on medication before committing suicide years ago. He can't acknowledge that his brother was labeled crazy because he was ACTING crazy and people saw it.  They probably didn't even know he was in counseling or on medication.]

I used to ask him why his default was always to assume I was a bad person up to no good (like he says everyone else always is).  I couldn't understand how his go-to view and response could be so negative for the person he claimed to love. I tried to set the stable example when he did or said something that was upsetting to me. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt, sought clarity first, then talked about the issues calmly, giving him a chance to explain and me a chance to see his point of view, then I would always be the one  to adjust.  He would never adjust his perception.

Over and over he used excuses that everyone in his past has been bad so he is just naturally suspicious and he can't help it and it's their fault (and not at all his fault for being so paranoid and delusional and controlling, guilting, manipulative, and explosive). When I acknowledged that he's  been hurt and explained I had a similar past but still manage to use a more positive and constructive default to give him a chance he would say I was "high and mighty" and "holier than thou" and that I thought I must be "better than him". Belittling. He would then say he was tired of everyone always blaming his past saying that he's f*cked up. He would say it isn't his fault people are all a*sholes, liars, whores, and cheats. I could not understand  how someone could go through life with any relationships if that's really how he feels, professional, social, romatic, or otherwise.  But I couldn't go the other way either because if I didn't acknowledge his past hurts, then I wasn't "giving him any credit" for what he's been through.

I feel sorry for him because he will never be happy but I value myself more and won't ever go back EVER. I am positively giddy about that realization and the strength to assert it!

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More texts:

"Can I talk to you?"

"I know you are a wits end and very angry with me.  I was very angry to.  You have written and explained  how you feel in  great detail. I do  understand and want to fix things.  I do love you with all my heart and  would do anything or you. We have too much  to throw away.  I'm  sorry."

"I have left messages with four different counselors again. I will try online as well."

No no no no no no no no no no no no no.  I am not getting sucked in.  I will NOT engage.  I don't care WHAT he says.  It's OVER FOREVER.

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chachacha - You're doing well, however I would still highly suggest that you don't read his texts or e-mails or listen to his voicemails.  Even though you haven't talked to him yet, this is still a form of contact that can seriously mess with your head.  Also, he will mostly likely cycle through a few types of "hoovers" until he finds the one that gets to you. 

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Thank you for the encouragement.  Good idea. Unfortunately right  now I have to monitor only to see when he asks to get the keys to move out.  He is out of town and won't be back until the weekend at least.  I can't wait until this is done and he is gone forever.

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He is continuing to try to hoover but I think he's wearing down.  It's been a few days and I have not answered his calls or responded to any messages, emails, or texts. He is starting to mention coming back to town and collecting his things.  This is good. But of course he is trying counseling tactics and mentioning couples counseling, etc.  No ground from me at all, not even an acknowledgement.  It will be over  soon.

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Chacha I'm wondering if yours and mine came from the same planet, admittedly I didn't read it all but most of it is same same! 

If only they invested their time in more productive things like actually "loving" us

if only we invested out time in more productive things like moving on instead of defending ourselves

The utter ridiculousness of it all!!! *big sigh*

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Gosh, seems like a lot of work! I would want my head space. GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!! LOL 

When they realize it's over the tune changes. It might feel worse before it gets better. The more you remove it the better you will be. I found the addition the constant banter makes you feel very lonely for a while. It takes a while to realize that even if it was negative it took space in your mind and body. It was not a healthy relationship. Very toxic to you and people do not require that much of you. The silence might feel defining but it is more true to real life. He was very controlling and needy. 

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He definitely has difficulty respecting my need for recovery and personal space. He had started counseling and tells me he has had revelations already and the counselor told him he can fix this. Since he travels he is going to see one in each of two towns where he spends most of his time. He wants to know why this isn't enough for me to take him back. After all, he claims he is doing all he promised before and before I said that would be enough to make this work. He does not understand why the positive things he's done don't make up for or even outweigh the damage he's done. He says I don't give him credit for the 98% good times.

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Oh Chacha, I know this is an old post but wow I don't know if we've dated the same person or what

On 10/19/2016 at 5:21 PM, chachacha said:

"What you are so eloquently referring to is called, "Having your cake and eating it to." If you want to live like your single than you should do just that. Pure and simple. You can't do both and expect your partner to just choke on it. You mentioned about four times how "we " need solitude and to meet new people and develope new relationships. As if you didn't already bring enough complete sh*t for me to choke on before this. If "we" aren't doing that together, than "we" aren't really " we" are we?

Mine has said this almost VERBATIM! It's just wrong wrong wrong. If I was 5 minutes late walking out of work it was assumed I was cheating too!! I hope you're away by now. I hope I can get away soon. Hugs!

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On 5/3/2017 at 9:32 AM, clurichaun said:

Oh Chacha, I know this is an old post but wow I don't know if we've dated the same person or what

Mine has said this almost VERBATIM! It's just wrong wrong wrong. If I was 5 minutes late walking out of work it was assumed I was cheating too!! I hope you're away by now. I hope I can get away soon. Hugs!

It is strange how they seem to read from the same script, isn't it?!  I would ask if you are in my state but it wouldn't matter, clurichaun.  He has been all over the country.

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Mine has stayed in the same place most of his life. If this type of person could disappear from the face of the earth, the world would be a better, safer place

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