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blueskye

Is this stalking? Should I worry?

14 posts in this topic

Background. Was married to a man I consider BPD+covert Narcissist for over 20 years. We divorced recently and went no contact. Before the divorce he stalked me accusing me staying with a man knowing I was hiding at my parents house. I was terrified!  He took it a step further and gave the guy a name and town to prop up his story to his supporters. I thought the name was fake but turns out he's real but I have no idea who he is. Again, scary and delusional.

He has been sending me small gifts via his flying monkey. I refused the last one. So today I received  a fairly expensive gift at my work and the receptionist accepted it. The card had a simple handwritten message and wasn't signed but I recognize the handwriting. I did amateur handwriting analysis and its him for sure. Plus there is no other man. I'm still healing from the damage from this man!

He was uncooperative during the divorce and has told horrible lies about me. To do something "kind" is inconsistent. I'm unnerved by the gift.

Why do that? One theory is to make it look like I have a BF to my family and coworkers. To, again, prop up his sad story of me leaving him for another man. To intimidate me?

And should I be afraid? I was just starting to feel safe again. Do you guys consider this stalking? Should I get a reatraining order or is just baiting me to do some big gesture like that. He will deny it's him since he didn't sign his name. My instincts say to just lay low and stay quiet. Even writing this post makes me nervous he is watching me online. He  freaks me out! 

I gave the gift to a coworker and told the receptionist I no longer accept gifts at work. I'd love to hear your thoughts as most of my friends don't understand narcissists, abusers, etc like you guys do. They think his is "being sweet" and trying to win me back and it makes me look like a lady dog. Your input is welcome.

PS: I miss you guys but I'm too afraid to post most of the time. Afraid he is watching me online.

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Not sure what the real motivation is with this. It is certainly a way of trying to keep some contact and as you said to try to support his story and to frighten you.

People don't understand.

I think the best response is none.

He could also be potentially dangerous when he realises that this is not working for him.

I am sending you a PM.

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7 hours ago, blueskye said:

Background. Was married to a man I consider BPD+covert Narcissist for over 20 years. We divorced recently and went no contact. Before the divorce he stalked me accusing me staying with a man knowing I was hiding at my parents house. I was terrified!  He took it a step further and gave the guy a name and town to prop up his story to his supporters. I thought the name was fake but turns out he's real but I have no idea who he is. Again, scary and delusional.

He has been sending me small gifts via his flying monkey. I refused the last one. So today I received  a fairly expensive gift at my work and the receptionist accepted it. The card had a simple handwritten message and wasn't signed but I recognize the handwriting. I did amateur handwriting analysis and its him for sure. Plus there is no other man. I'm still healing from the damage from this man!

He was uncooperative during the divorce and has told horrible lies about me. To do something "kind" is inconsistent. I'm unnerved by the gift.

Why do that? One theory is to make it look like I have a BF to my family and coworkers. To, again, prop up his sad story of me leaving him for another man. To intimidate me?

And should I be afraid? I was just starting to feel safe again. Do you guys consider this stalking? Should I get a reatraining order or is just baiting me to do some big gesture like that. He will deny it's him since he didn't sign his name. My instincts say to just lay low and stay quiet. Even writing this post makes me nervous he is watching me online. He  freaks me out! 

I gave the gift to a coworker and told the receptionist I no longer accept gifts at work. I'd love to hear your thoughts as most of my friends don't understand narcissists, abusers, etc like you guys do. They think his is "being sweet" and trying to win me back and it makes me look like a lady dog. Your input is welcome.

PS: I miss you guys but I'm too afraid to post most of the time. Afraid he is watching me online.

I'll send you a PM.

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That's so scary it definitely sounds like stalking. I'm sorry I don't have any advice but I'm sure the others do in the PMs. *hugs*

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Thank you guys for the responses and the PMs. I found out he ran into one of my coworkers recently. It was probably a grand gesture for their benefit (look how much I love her) OR to make them think I have "a BF" (since the card was unsigned), which I don't. He told a family member that he's hoping we can get back together! :wacko: :blink: :o

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Whether it's stalking or not it is sure as heck CREEPY!  

Yes you are doing the right thing by continuing to watch and thwart his efforts to re-engage you.............DUH...........no contact means just that!  There will continue to be those who see these efforts as "sweet"  or "endearing" on his part and no matter what you say they won't believe until/unless they have lived through his behavior themselves.

Stay strong and stay wary..........it may take some time but he will leave because you will become too much effort and Lord knows they love "easy" targets, which you aren't anymore!!

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I had one really awful ex who texted me a picture of a stuffed animal with a knife duct taped to it's hand and the message "Love kills" I never responded and was so happy that I'd moved twice since dumping him. This isn't quite as threatening but the message is still the same "you should be thinking about me!"

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2 hours ago, blueskye said:

Thank you guys for the responses and the PMs. I found out he ran into one of my coworkers recently. It was probably a grand gesture for their benefit (look how much I love her) OR to make them think I have "a BF" (since the card was unsigned), which I don't. He told a family member that he's hoping we can get back together! :wacko: :blink: :o

Stalking, write it all down.

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It sounds scary. Doing nothing seems like the best response.

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Take the flowers back to the florist. Tell them you need a copy of the receipt to take to the police station. You are refusing delivery and ask them to throw them out for you. Tell them you are doing this so that they get the money for their business and also do not take any further orders from him.  He is trying to make you look like a cheater or insane. Both will make people doubt you. If you get a copy of the receipt ask if they have camera footage and if you can buy them a new tape to have a copy of who purchased the flowers from them. This will help with your restraining order. It is harassment of using kindness. He probably used cash! With camera footage and a cash purchase receipt with camera footage they police should take you somewhat serious. 

Tell your loved ones to not send you anything to your work. Do personal visits and hand cards in person. 

Leave a note at the reception office that all delivery's from here need to be given to the person at the desk. That your boyfriend did not send them and you will be refusing orders from here on out and trying to get information from the actual business vendors. This is where they can help you. You reception should be responsible for knowing the name of the company and the phone number of all of the delivery men. Like a post office. Help them treat delivery more like the parcel post. Do not show fear but be kind to your workers while negotiating good business habits. 

Scheming men are dangerous but honesty and smarts can keep you straight. Stay non-emotional (do not cry wolf) and stay straight forward. get to the bottom of this stupidity. 

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There was no florist name and his best bud is a florist...so...I got nothin. He made sure there was no proof, other than his distinct handwriting. It DID work to plant doubt in my parents who support me. They asked over and over if I found out who they are from. Over and over I told them my ex. Even my friend doubted they were from him so l let her do her own handwriting analysis. She confirms its his writing. So now she believes me. I'm shocked he didn't have someone else write the card.

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Well well! See that little thing call doubt. It is their tool.

Your parents doubt you that is a huge! probably one of the reasons you are in such a relationships, to begin with. Great things happen when you become responsible for your decisions. I have made decisions in my life that put me in bad relationships that have lacked empathy. I do not have the perfect family and because of that I have tried to bend over backward to make a perfect family work. I worked on the doubt of my intermediate family after the divorce. My EX actually buddied up with my family and I was banned from my own mother's house by my father in law. This guilt was a hard thing for her to work through and overcome, Part of this means she had to accept me moving far away and not blame me emotionally for my decisions. This is what happens you just do not free yourself you heal the other relationships around you with love. What my mom and I determined after hours of conversations. We just would not have seen my EX coming. We were in survival mode already. I was fortunate that my mom took in-depth talks with me about the abuse. It took two years for her to figure out the element I lived with. She see's it now and we are not bitter but we do not participate in the activities of further abuse. 

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My parents didn't support me either. They told me that I owed it to him to stay with him even if he did the terrible things I told them about. This was because he supported me while I raised the children. The law says that he owes me for that. Their moral values run counter to the law. They also questioned the bad things I told them, trying to find another possible explanation. They continued with the gas lighting, supporting the doubt that he had planted in my mind. I think it was for selfish reasons. They didn't want the possibility of me needing money from them. Not having the support of my family made it harder to leave. He was slowly killing me and my parents didn't care. That hurts.

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He is an aho** and it is stalking. Be careful and cautious Keep a journal write it all down. Stay no contact.

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