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hoping

Feeling Crazy

30 posts in this topic

When I think about taking some steps to leave my husband or to be more self sufficient, I start feeling afraid, like I am in shock or am being crazy. I hate all of this doubt in my mind, it makes me feel bad. If I do it, I will fear he will find out, then it will cause him to be angry at me and I will need to defend myself without lying. I will feel like I am doing something behind his back. Did anyone else feel crazy when they thought about or did take steps to be more self sufficient or to leave. I also, feel guilty even though he has treated me bad.

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You do not need to defend yourself or lie.

He is not the boss of you (even if he thinks so).

If he gets angry at you? Are you in physical danger if he does? Otherwise - His anger is his reaction. You do not need to own it. If he gets angry, that doesn't require you to do anything, or say anything, or "fix" anything. You can try to let him have his anger (even though it feels scary and personal to you). 

Yes, the crazy feeling is like overwhelm and unsureness and self-doubt and fear. It's a lot. It's hard for almost everyone. So it's sort of normal to feel that way, I think. 

 

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Not only did I feel crazy, I wound hyperventilate and tremble. I would get so I couldn't think at all straight. I still got through it.

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2 hours ago, hoping said:

When I think about taking some steps to leave my husband or to be more self sufficient, I start feeling afraid, like I am in shock or am being crazy. I hate all of this doubt in my mind, it makes me feel bad. If I do it, I will fear he will find out, then it will cause him to be angry at me and I will need to defend myself without lying. I will feel like I am doing something behind his back. Did anyone else feel crazy when they thought about or did take steps to be more self sufficient or to leave. I also, feel guilty even though he has treated me bad.

From what I understand everything you are thinking and feeling is very normal in these situations Hoping.

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No, not crazy. Someone ones told me all those feelings that make you feel sick or spontaneously cry or feel the "crazy" are your brain and body's way of telling you you're right. That you know what you're doing is for you're own good. 

I wish you luck. We're all looking at each other here, searching for the familiar, in one another. Keep telling your story. Keep living your truth.  

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Those feelings of being crazy? Of doubting? Of worrying he'll find out, or be angry? They mean you are thinking it out, that you're bravely looking at what it would be like to leave. You are taking some important steps. Steps on the inside, because that where steps begin. It takes a lot of going over and over these feelings and steps and what ifs before it becomes a solid, determined plan. 

The thought of leaving when you're in an abusive situation stirs up all sorts of fear and doubt and agonizing. We are going against what has become habitual. It's become habitual to give in to the abuse and treat it like it's fine. We've had to do that in order to survive it. So now you are fighting against your survival skills in order to break free. It will probably feel like your are headed toward chaos, but you are actually fleeing from it. And on the other side, (so I've heard . . . I'm still working on my own breaking free, lol) is clarity, truth, and YOU. Finding YOU again.

I think where it gets confusing in all the dissociation and FOG, is that we think we're in a tolerable situation and leaving means annihilation. But actually, while we're in the abusive situation, we're being annihilated emotionally without even realizing. We're losing bits of ourselves and giving them up to the intolerable situation we're in. Then, we worry, once we get out, we'll have less of ourself than what was there in the abusive situation. On the other side, we find the pieces we lost while we tried to survive the abuse. Those pieces are still there; they went into hiding for awhile as we put up our defenses and survived. Once you are no longer living on edge, tiptoeing on eggshells and surviving one hour to the next, you'll begin to find those pieces of yourself again. Really, you have everything to gain. 

Initially, the fear is how he will react to it. This is perfectly legitimate. We want to be prepared for any repercussions from the abuser, so we can minimize them. That's why going No Contact is so highly suggested, because you'll never have to deal with his anger if you don't allow it to come through. You can block him so he can't contact you. And then surround yourself with people who can encourage you to stay the course while you're feeling scared, like you must go back or something bad will happen. They will reassure you that you are safe, that you can do this, that the worst is already over. 

I know it looks and feels like this huge, insurmountable wall ahead. I have felt this for so many years, and shied away from it. Really, though, there are ways to climb over it. Practical steps to help ease the overwhelming fear of having to climb it. Then, once you take the first step, that wall turns into a tiny ledge you can easily step over.

(((hoping))) 

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I remember this feeling well; HE is creating an aura of confusion and smoke in order to keep you subjugated. It's what they do: when you get out you see how much more clearly you can see them. As my counsellor says they are 'pathetic little bully boys'. You wouldn't be on this forum if there was't something seriously wrong, something that no human being should have to suffer or be put through. 

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Yesterday we we were having a conversation about something HE doesn't like to talk about and I realized that he was playing with words, focussing on HOW I was saying something and trying to deflect from the point of the conversation by playing a word game.

So I switched the words and brought it back to my point and I ended the conversation by saying "My feelings matter."

I don't want to derail your thread I'm making the point that they are just absolute crazy makers and we suffer psychologically from it.

 

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1 hour ago, Fluffyflea said:

they are just absolute crazy makers and we suffer psychologically from it.

That's why it is so hard to leave. You need faith that once you get out you will be able to see clearly. Those of us who got out can say it's true, but we are distant strangers. He is the "love of your life" living in your home. Looking back at the things that the "love of my life" did to me sickens me. You realize so many more things after you are out.

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2 hours ago, Bennu said:

That's why it is so hard to leave. You need faith that once you get out you will be able to see clearly. Those of us who got out can say it's true, but we are distant strangers. He is the "love of your life" living in your home. Looking back at the things that the "love of my life" did to me sickens me. You realize so many more things after you are out.

I feel this too. That the person I loved did these things to me. Made my own brain turn against me. I had no other validation but his for what I was thinking or feeling; so surely he must be right, I must do better. And even though I can sit acros from him now in his new man phase, it doesn't negate or change the past influencing the present. He's never atoned. He told me I was mistake and he was not an abuser. He was not those things. End of it. So, how do you reconcile that in your head, I must be crazy and he was just an a**hole for more than a decade. Whew, glad I got that straight, I feel so much better about everything now .... not. 

I'm not out. I don't know where I am with that anymore. All I know is going back to work and being around people I could listen to helped me tremendously. Getting out in the world and doing things for me, because I did everything anyway in the house and out of it, but now for my soul, has helped. And altered how I function. He either keeps up or he doesn't and in neither case will I be grateful. Because as a functioning adult he (should) can look after himself, guide his own life and participate with me and our daughter if that's his priority. If not, that's on him. 

We're not crazy even if we've spent many hours thinking we were. We aren't. We just aren't. 

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That fear is awful. And it's like a brick wall. But you can find a way through it. He's not king of anything. I keep telling myself it is awful now but the sooner it's over the sooner i can work on getting rid of those feelings. I've realized that I can keep reminding myself that he can't say anything that actually changes who I really am. Defending myself is pointless because that's what he wants. He wants me on the defensive because that makes me week and vulnerable.I made mine get unhinged when I refused to respond to his attacks or bullying or lies. I smiled and waited to make my point again. I'm still trapped but I think I've thrown him a bit he knows I'm not backing down. He's still hoovering to stay though.

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Quaddie     No, I'm not afraid of him physically. You are right, I will make it through even if gets angry and he is not my boss.

Bennu        I am sorry to hear how difficult it was for you.

Fluffyflea    Thank you for your reply.

Redheadwhiskey     I had never heard of that. Thank you for sharing that.

 

 

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WB  

On ‎10‎/‎1‎/‎2016 at 9:36 PM, whitebutterfly11 said:

Those feelings of being crazy? Of doubting? Of worrying he'll find out, or be angry? They mean you are thinking it out, that you're bravely looking at what it would be like to leave. You are taking some important steps. Steps on the inside, because that where steps begin. It takes a lot of going over and over these feelings and steps and what ifs before it becomes a solid, determined plan.

Yes, you are right, that is what I am doing. I was discouraged thinking I hadn't taken my first physical step, but you are right, I am taking emotional steps. That helps me to feel better because I am doing something and I am accomplishing something.

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Hi Hoping,

Sorry to hear you are struggling, I can relate, I was afraid to the point of shaking uncontrollably and panic attacks of a 5ft 3in, slight lady, she has an ability to tear down any self confidence/freedom or resilience built up so quickly with just a few words or actions (self harm/suicide threats or just tears as examples), the sense of obligation I was made to feel to do everything for her and the guilt felt if I did something for myself are all things I am sure you can relate to, finding the courage and it is courage to leave is one of if not the hardest thing you will do but I am coming up a month away and the clarity with which I now see the mistreatment and the control and manipulation I was subjected to is bewildering, I still have panic attacks and I am terrified of coming face to face with her, I do not carry my phone so I don't look down at it all the time waiting for the next "installment" , I have found a support group and actually managed a genuine laugh the other day, I promise you it is incredibly emotional and difficult but if your thoughts keep going back to this is not good for me then trust your instincts and allow yourself the chance to be the person YOU want to be again and not the person he expects you to be.

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Vanilli

On ‎10‎/‎2‎/‎2016 at 2:29 AM, Vanilli said:
On ‎10‎/‎2‎/‎2016 at 2:29 AM, Vanilli said:

I remember this feeling well; HE is creating an aura of confusion and smoke in order to keep you subjugated. It's what they do: when you get out you see how much more clearly you can see them. As my counsellor says they are 'pathetic little bully boys'. You wouldn't be on this forum if there was't something seriously wrong, something that no human being should have to suffer or be put through. 

You are right vanilli, my husband has been very abusive. I forget sometimes and blame myself. Thank you for reminding me.

 

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Fluffyflea

On ‎10‎/‎2‎/‎2016 at 6:37 AM, Fluffyflea said:

 

 

Yesterday we we were having a conversation about something HE doesn't like to talk about and I realized that he was playing with words, focussing on HOW I was saying something and trying to deflect from the point of the conversation by playing a word game.

So I switched the words and brought it back to my point and I ended the conversation by saying "My feelings matter."

I don't want to derail your thread I'm making the point that they are just absolute crazy makers and we suffer psychologically from it.

 

Yes, we do suffer and it seems so crazy the way they act.

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clurichaun

Thank you for reminding me they want us on the defensive. Today he said something and ask him why and he told me and I just looked at him. I didn't reply.

It is how he thinks or he is trying to get a reply from me. I'm tired of it.

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Usedtotrustever

Thank you for the inspiration and encouragement. I am glad you are out and doing better.

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Usedto, can you go No Contact? Block her, change your number, etc.? You shouldn't have to live in fear of her contacting you on your phone. 

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11 hours ago, hoping said:

clurichaun

Thank you for reminding me they want us on the defensive. Today he said something and ask him why and he told me and I just looked at him. I didn't reply.

It is how he thinks or he is trying to get a reply from me. I'm tired of it.

So glad you didn't take the bait! It's hard because they really know how to get under the skin don't they? But when I see the fear on HIS face when I refuse to play his game I know I'm turning things around.

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Its a power trip for them.

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6 hours ago, Quaddie said:

Usedto, can you go No Contact? Block her, change your number, etc.? You shouldn't have to live in fear of her contacting you on your phone. 

Thanks Quaddie, I have changed my personal phone but I have a work mobile and direct line at work (that she has used to guilt me into paying for things for the kids or just to run what I call the "justification" dialogue) so that she feels better, I am pretty close to resorting to a new job (been in mine 20 years and worked hard to get where I am), it is a two steps forward one step back atm, every call / demand / thinly veiled jibe just sends me back into my shell, we will get there, we will get there

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Block her on the work cell, and let the direct line go to voicemail when she calls? 

If you pick up accidentally, you can say "I'm not talking to you"and hang up. 

Just because she calls, doesn't mean you are required to answer or talk to her.

 

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