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Vampydoll

Do Abusers withhold food?

24 posts in this topic

This is just a question.  I apologize if it was written before.  I do think I read somewhere on this forum - not sure.

 

My dear husband ( and I use that with sarcasm) asked me what I wanted for dinner Monday night.  I said "let's get a pizza/"  And he said "no."  We had pizza last week but the pizza was on sale Monday so that's why I thought it would be good to get it.  Nevertheless, he refused.  Okay no biggie.

 

Then Tuesday he says "what do you want for dinner?" and I said I wanted a barbequed chicken.  So he refused again.  He said "when are you going to eat that?" and because I couldn't give him a specific time, he refused to order it!  Can you believe this?

 

So then on Wednesday, I was nauseated.  Had a very bad headache all day.  When I feel like vomiting, I eat things that will coat my stomach like vanilla ice cream or cottage cheese.  So he said he would stop at the store and get me the cottage cheese!  Yay!  LOL  And then I asked him if he would stop at Walgreens because the M&M's were on sale and that's my guilty pleasure.  Love M&M.s  So he blew up!

He said "I'm not going to make 2 stops."  WTF?  The supermarket was on the way home going in the same direction, and Walgreens is on the corner about 5 blocks where our house.  He has to drive that way anyway.  But he yelled and screamed at me.  Mad me cry because I had such nausea and pain and then I don't need his big mouth yelling at me.

 

It turns out he went to 3 places finally.  the supermarket, Walgreens for the candy and then the submarine shop for himself.  Oh really?  What happened to his refusing to make 2 stops?  He made 3!  This shows how selfish he is and self centered.  When it comes to his fat stomach, he worries.  When it comes to me I can starve.

BTW, I just might.  I am 5'4" and weigh a huge 95 pounds.  I am very thin from Graves' Disease.  But he doesn't care if I disappear.  Men!  they suck!

 

Vampydoll

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I can understand not wanting to make extra stops so why not offer to pick some up at the grocery store and pay a little more to save a trip instead of getting mad at you? And why ask what you want for dinner if he's going to reject everything you say? That's horrible.

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They are selfish and they don't like to be bothered. Even though they can dish it out, they get upset easily with mild things at times. I have heard they do withhold food, but I think in this case, he doesn't want to be bothered.

 

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Mine doesn't like it if I order a glass of milk in a restaurant because it's too expensive.

So I wait til I get home and have my milk or wait til he orders it in the restaurant otherwise it's not worth the B.S.

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Honestly it sounds like control to me.  Not controlling or withholding food, but not wanting to put himself out for YOU.  Not wanting to go out of his way FOR YOU.

mine argues with me over everything I want too, doesn't have to be food, just anything,

i want to stop to buy myself new socks......he says, but you have a whole drawer full of socks!  

I want to stop for dish detergent......he says, can't it wait until Saturday?

i want to swing by the shoe department of a store we are IN......do you really want to buy them HERE?  Why don't you go to xxx shoe store? Ugh

they just want to make everything difficult.

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My husband use to get so upset because me and my daughter wanted to buy soda pop when we ate out. My daughter and I loved it. To me that was one of the good things about eating out. He didn't want to spend the extra money, and wanted us to drink water. I fought with him for a long time to win this battle. Now it is just me and him. He usually orders water and I usually order tea, which cost. We got into a argument about him wanting me to let him drink my tea in the restaurant and when we left he wanted me to get a refill for him. I know everyone has there own ideas about this, but I think he should have respected mine.

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Of course he should have respected you. 

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3 hours ago, hoping said:

My husband use to get so upset because me and my daughter wanted to buy soda pop when we ate out. My daughter and I loved it. To me that was one of the good things about eating out. He didn't want to spend the extra money, and wanted us to drink water. I fought with him for a long time to win this battle. Now it is just me and him. He usually orders water and I usually order tea, which cost. We got into a argument about him wanting me to let him drink my tea in the restaurant and when we left he wanted me to get a refill for him. I know everyone has there own ideas about this, but I think he should have respected mine.

Sorry Hoping I had to laugh when I read this post. I remember so clearly the meltdowns over a glass of milk.

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I don't think it's about withholding food I think it's about control and anyway will do.

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Fluffyflea

That's ok. I understand. I laugh sometimes at the things he does.

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Yes, I think abusers use food to control because it's a basic human need, and if they can control a basic human need, they have a greater advantage.

My H gets really weird about me buying soda at restaurants too, specifically diet sodas (which I really like). He'll "joke" and say I'm addicted to it, or "you might as well get your drug", then he'll laugh and say he's kidding. So then I feel really paranoid about ordering soda, or even buying it from the store. If I buy some soda and put it in the fridge,  I feel like he keeps tabs on how much I'm consuming so he can mentally tell himself that I've got a diet soda addiction. And somehow that makes him a better person, or a person who controls his appetite better than me. Religiously, he feels like soda is an indulgence, so he doesn't drink it. Is very proud of himself for that, and looks down on me for drinking soda. So it's like this weird "I'm better than you because you drink soda and I don't" sort of thing. Weird. Unsettling.

Even though he has his own indulgences and a doctor who is worried about his heart health. I just don't get it. I don't sit and judge him for what he eats. Why does he have to do it to me?

Just one example.

Another: He will only eat minuscule amounts of the food that I make. And it's not that I'm making super gross stuff, I'm specifically making things he's expressed that he loves, and avoiding anything he doesn't. I don't say anything about it, because that will only make him defensive, but he says things like: "Oh, that's YOUR food. You eat it." 

Another: Every now and then I am too tired to make dinner. I then ask him if we can go to a restaurant. He says okay, we decide where to go, I get all excited about not having to cook, the kids get excited to eat out, and then . . . he decides last minute that it's too late/he's too tired/the kids are too grumpy, and we don't go out to eat. Then it's 7pm and I ask him what we're going to do about dinner, and he says "Oh, we have food in the fridge we can eat." But of course he's not going to make it. So then, guess who gets to cook the meal? Not him. And this is directly connected to when I ask specifically if we can go out, usually when we're already out running errands or something, so that it's more convenient rather than us being at home. 

I could really go on and on. 

Oh, and if I'm sick and I can't make food, he will do it, but he will need me to take him through all the steps of it, and after ten minutes of telling him how to measure something in a teaspoon, I finally just get up and help. Then he LEAVES. Goes down to be on his phone while I make dinner. While I'm sick. And he told me he'd do it.

Grrrr. 

Vampydoll, I hear you!

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Vampydoll, I'm wondering.  If your H doesn't bring home food for you, is there otherwise food in the house that you can eat? 

 

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On 2016-10-01 at 11:08 PM, whitebutterfly11 said:

Yes, I think abusers use food to control because it's a basic human need, and if they can control a basic human need, they have a greater advantage.

My H gets really weird about me buying soda at restaurants too, specifically diet sodas (which I really like). He'll "joke" and say I'm addicted to it, or "you might as well get your drug", then he'll laugh and say he's kidding. So then I feel really paranoid about ordering soda, or even buying it from the store. If I buy some soda and put it in the fridge,  I feel like he keeps tabs on how much I'm consuming so he can mentally tell himself that I've got a diet soda addiction. And somehow that makes him a better person, or a person who controls his appetite better than me. Religiously, he feels like soda is an indulgence, so he doesn't drink it. Is very proud of himself for that, and looks down on me for drinking soda. So it's like this weird "I'm better than you because you drink soda and I don't" sort of thing. Weird. Unsettling.

Even though he has his own indulgences and a doctor who is worried about his heart health. I just don't get it. I don't sit and judge him for what he eats. Why does he have to do it to me?

Just one example.

Another: He will only eat minuscule amounts of the food that I make. And it's not that I'm making super gross stuff, I'm specifically making things he's expressed that he loves, and avoiding anything he doesn't. I don't say anything about it, because that will only make him defensive, but he says things like: "Oh, that's YOUR food. You eat it." 

Another: Every now and then I am too tired to make dinner. I then ask him if we can go to a restaurant. He says okay, we decide where to go, I get all excited about not having to cook, the kids get excited to eat out, and then . . . he decides last minute that it's too late/he's too tired/the kids are too grumpy, and we don't go out to eat. Then it's 7pm and I ask him what we're going to do about dinner, and he says "Oh, we have food in the fridge we can eat." But of course he's not going to make it. So then, guess who gets to cook the meal? Not him. And this is directly connected to when I ask specifically if we can go out, usually when we're already out running errands or something, so that it's more convenient rather than us being at home. 

I could really go on and on. 

Oh, and if I'm sick and I can't make food, he will do it, but he will need me to take him through all the steps of it, and after ten minutes of telling him how to measure something in a teaspoon, I finally just get up and help. Then he LEAVES. Goes down to be on his phone while I make dinner. While I'm sick. And he told me he'd do it.

Grrrr. 

Vampydoll, I hear you!

 

This is what I get, he has the weight problem, I don't because I'm careful and mindful.

So we're out in a restaurant and he'll order a large pizza because it's 1.00 more than the medium. 

But I won't eat more because there's more Pizza and he starts arguing with me saying I can eat more and have more and on and on. Oh you can eat as much as you want and not gain weight. That's not the point, I'M FULL!

And Im saying no I'm full Im not hungry anymore. It's like I'm not heard.

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He doesn't hear you because your perspective doesn't matter to him. He doesn't care what you want.

I had boss who was overweight and would do that same thing.  Once we were having lunch at a sub sandwich shop. I always get a 6 inch...that's all I can eat.  They were running a special....a foot-long for only $1 more. She kept on me to order the foot-long (probably because SHE did). I said I didn't need it. She kept trying to talk me into it. I could keep the other half for tomorrow, she said.  (I wouldn't, I only like them fresh.)  Really, what's it to them? A normal person does not care if you want less.  It has to do with them trying to justify their own self.  It has nothing to do with you at all, really. 

 

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Mine loved to pressure the kids and I not to eat.

If we were travelling or shopping at lunch or dinner time, he would often refuse to stop or refuse to wait while we ate.  It was awful when the kids were young and he would try to make them wait hours for lunch.  He also saw no reason for young kids to have snacks, thinking they should go for 6-8 hours without food. He would boast about not eating breakfast and pressure everyone else to skip it, too. (He used to snack/eat an extra meal and drink at night after the rest of us were in bed, so he was often not hungry in the morning.) He claimed constantly that I was obsessed with food, when I mentioned getting lunch or dinner. Of course, if he was hungry, we would get food.

He also helped himself to whatever the kids or I purchased, but wouldn't share his treats.

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Yes- they do. Who cares if you have a pig out fest too! 

I remember taking a picture of spilt milk and sending it to my EX cell phone. It was the spilt milk he cried over. 

Look I can understand not wanting to run all over town. I can understand also not want to pay a lot of money for someone want to not cook and eat out. This is something a wife does when there is major lack of help and dish cleaning wars. My ex-was so stubborn in helping with house work. I literally refused to go to a grocery store to buy food until he helped. One freaking year went by did not even buy milk we ate out for everything. He did not break. I broke because I wanted to cook dinner for my mom. 

When we were at the divorce stage he only bought me baloney to eat. He took control of the accounts. He had some guilt and took my son out for some fast food. 

He would make me pack a lunch and he would eat gourmet lunches out. Then mock me by trying to pass of three bits in front of my face to treat me like I was fat. It was not sharing because he refused to pack and live those under the same standards he imposed on me. 

That is the key:
The standards you impose on someone else you live by. This is the difference with living meager convictions and harassment and control issues. 

I can understand struggling to buy someone excessive amounts of snacks when you are unhappy with weight issues. I can buy my own snacks. I control what goes in my mouth. I can control being skinny and being fat. At times I struggle with being skinny but I stay at a level. So this is something I can not blame anyone else for. I am responsible for me. Have that being said a little cake does not mean your ugly. Loving yourself and loving where you're at in good and bad weight is important and healthy. 

Sometimes I want to eat with anxiety fair enough. If I do this is it the guy giving me the anxiety or my ability to deal with it. It is both! 

I need to grow and see that anxiety does not mean I throw my health away and he needs to quit the freaking control. You see these wars also in anorexic and bulimic people. There is an emotional war with food. This is why being fit is more important than weight. Medium and large people can run and still be working on fitness. You do not have to be skinny just have good practice. :-) 
 

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Yes.  Voldemort wanted to control what I ate. 

If I ate candy I even had to sneak downtown and throw away the evidence.  He would go through the trash to see if I ate candy and if he found a wrapper or some other evidence I got a "reality check" which is what he called the punishment.  One time he punished me by beating me and trying to set me on fire. 

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My would control the perfume I wore and the clothing I wore had rules. They control anything that is yours to claim. 

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2 hours ago, MorningGlory said:

My would control the perfume I wore and the clothing I wore had rules. They control anything that is yours to claim. 

Yes.  Everything in your life is micromanaged.  Nothing is your own.

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I can definitely relate! My ex used to drive because of my chronic illness. He would refuse to stop for food despite not wanting to grocery shop to plan ahead, not wanting to cook at home, and knowing I have hypoglycemia. He would make me wait more than an hour after work, after I had not eaten all day, because he wanted to get out of town and closer to home. Then when we got closer to home he would say my only option was McDonald's or none at all. And McDonald's was making me incredibly sick. He had the balls to go to a doctor appointment with me and tell the dr. That all I eat is crap. I turned to him and said, "Wy don't you tell her why?"  He refused so I turn the doctor and said that that was all he would stop for to eat. My doctor looked at me with disbelief and said, "You're an adult."  To which I replied, "He drives and refuses to stop anywhere." It wasn't long before we split and he wasn't coming to doctors meetings anymore.

 

He would also eat disgusting things like canned salmon in boxed macaroni and cheese and make food only for himself. If I was hungry, I could have a bite if that or nothing, even when I was too sick to cook. Often he would come home empty-handed after he had fed himself only. He would do the same when I had to work late and he would show up to pick me up. Sometimes he would just sit there and whine and moan about how long it was taking instead of going to pick up the meal for us. And I remember many times in the grocery store him admonishing me for anything I put in the cart and then when we got home he would eat up everything that I bought and leave only a few things that he bought.  He used to tell me there was a ton of food and I could live for weeks with what was in our kitchen (while he went out to eat on his way home). It's kind of hard to make a balanced meal out of dried split peas, flour, and bouillon cubes. 

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Sounds like what V would do.  I would sometimes go days without eating.  I'm hypoglycemic too.  He would even not let me go to the doctor sometimes when I was really sick telling me he would decide when I needed to go to the doctor.  He wouldn't even let me cook for myself at one point and insisted on doing all the cooking.  I became ill and my fingernails turned white.  I learned I had been poisoned later on after I'd got away from him.

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What did he poison you with? I met a woman that was poisoned with Arsenic. Her dad put it in the tea to kill her mother and she drank it. She suffered so bad because of what her father tried to do to her mom. It in turn her mother's abuse became her abuse as well. She healed by taking large amounts of brown kelp. It pulls toxins out of her body. I actually started taking the regularly when I lived with him just to make sure I was safe. Did he poison me Probably not!  I was not going to take that chance. I did not trust him and he did not show that trust honest worthiness. It was self-preservation to make me feel I was safe in an emotional turmoil that he refused to acknowledge. 
 

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It might have been arsenic. Never knew for sure.  My fingernails didn't clear up until about a year or two after I got away from him.

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