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Vampydoll

Elderly Mother making me completely insane!

16 posts in this topic

This is going to be a long one but having to get it off my chest, I will do the best I can to explain WHY I really can't leave that abusive husband I have.  BTW, he found out about this site and is now playing "nice-nice."  but that will not last, I am sure.

 

My mother is 91 years old. She is nearly deaf but refuses to get a hearing aid.  And it is making me crazy.  I suffer from migraines so when I call her, she turns up the volume on her phone by hitting the buttons and a song ensues.  I have learned to put the phone away from my ear so that I don't need to go take a pill.  Then you can tell when she doesn't know what you are saying because you will get complete silence and then I know I lost her.

She is buddy buddy now with my husband whom she hated for years and tore a part, trash talked and so forth.  The reason? he is doing things for her.  Stupid things like buying her hamburgers at the local "Greasy Spoon" that she loves.  He takes her to the bargain basements.  But even though he's being good to her, he refuses to take no money for the things he buys and we do need the money.  A little bit here and there is not so bad, and I hate to sound petty, but after a week or so of "favors" it does begin to add up.

Example:  I was at Target begging him for a Maybelline mascara  and he couldn't buy it for me because she asked him to buy her a new frying pan.  The frying pan was 15.00 and my mascara would have been 5.00 but she comes first.  God forbid she should have the Teflon wear out on her frying pan because her eggs got stuck to it.  (hope anyone reading this laughs,) and then she goes and tells him she needs prune juice and she wants the one with the pulp and demands that he get the right one.  Another 5.00.  What the hell is going on here?  And I told him to take the money, that's when she offers it but I think she's getting used to not offering because stupid husband won't take it and there we are.  Late on our own bills like silly things, like "I'm going to the ATM because we need gas?"

 

So maybe I sound awful but at least truthful.  And she does not have my back, I will tell you that.  She is a Budinsky.  And she is now defending him for things that he does to me because she needs to stay on his good side.  Does this make sense?  And all the while, there is a car that she owns sitting in her garage and she claims she is going to drive but never does.

 

I don't want her driving if she is worried she would get into an accident, but for God's sakes, turn in your license.  We have one car here.  And I cannot work because I have no transportation and was recently offered 2 different jobs I never even applied for.  And when I told her all she said was "that would be nice if you could work, you would get away from him for a few hours a day."  How do I do that?  Fly in my private plane?  None of this makes sense.  She has become so self centered, selfish and it's all about her. 

 

How do you deal with this rubbish?

 

Vampy

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Sounds hard. Maybe you should come out and ask her for the car.

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I would beat him at his game. Start going to the store without him and you buy her the things she wants and take the money. Tell her that you are taking it because you need it. I don't remember, are you allowed to drive the car he does?

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You don't sound "awful," he is de-prioritizing you and kissing up to your mother so that he can "team" against you with her. Abusers like to get people on their sides.

She has a car, you need a car. If you think it's possible, try to get her to sign the title over to you or something. Then she can "still have it if she needs it" - she'll know where it is - and you can get out. If she brings up the thing about getting up, can you say that to her? Something like, "Mom, that's a good idea, I'd love to get out and get working but I have no transportation so that is not possible. Unless - maybe I could use yours?" Otherwise, you may just have to find a way to stop thinking about the fact that you have no vehicle and she has one she's not using - just to keep your own sanity. Try to think really far outside the box about how you can get transportation. Any transportation. What do other people do? Can you take a bus, bicycle, get a motorbike, Uber? Rollerskate? Whatever might work. 

You know - even if someone is your mother, it's still okay to have boundaries. You have a big huge legitimate (physical) need to not be shouted at on the phone. There's nothing wrong with that need. It's okay to let your mother know that you can't talk to her on the phone anymore because she shouts and it is very physically painful to you. (This is a real, legit, valid and physical need.)  She will get angry and pout, but that's too bad. You have a right to preserve yourself from pain. There is no law that says you have to put up with this. You can say that if she would like to get a hearing aid you will be happy to talk with her on the phone, but as it is right now she is shouting and it is causing you physical pain, so you can't.

Of course she won't do it. She will whine and complain. There's no way you can prevent that. But you can protect yourself. Even if it seems "selfish." You have a right to protect yourself. It hurts! Don't do it. You don't have to. Yes, even though she is your mother.

Another thing is these shopping trips. No, it's not right that your h should be buying things for her at your expense, subordinating (not sure that's the right word) you to her. He's buying himself an ally, which in my opinion is pretty sick, what he's doing. No, nobody would feel okay about that! It's not awful to not be okay with that. He is supposed to care about you. And take care of your needs. And not be just concerned with aligning himself with someone else at your own expense. Especially since you can't afford to be supporting her that way. No, it's not okay.

So about the living situation. Obviously neither one of these people is a legit option to live with. There is a third option - it's just not found yet. Have you sought legal advice about what your financial rights might be?  And depending on what the bills are, there might be options to get out of those too. Don't give up. It's not either/or. There has to be another way. Sometimes it takes thinking about it differently, though. 

 

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thank you for everyone's reply.  Ideas and all.

 

Yes he is trying to get on her good side so they can conspire against me.  And she tries to say he's dominant but she is just as dominate as he is.  So birds of a feather...you know the saying.

I did speak to her about that car that is low miles and rotting, literally rotting In her garage and she said that "she owns it."  She started to cry and said she feels terrible about me being stranded but she just cannot give it to me to even borrow because it's the only thing she has ever felt she has owned in her entire life that she has control of.  Does this make sense? so no, she will not let me even drive it.  She has had it 5 years now and I must admit, I was on the passenger side just once.  I don't even remember what type of car it is because she keeps it in the garage and now she told me it's dead.  Probably just the battery or maybe it needs a new battery.  God only knows.  She just paid her car insurance.  She is wasting money and she just got her new registration.  None of this turnips makes sense to me because it is rotting.  With the heat we have had this summer, I wouldn't be surprised if it was stuck to the concrete in the garage. 

My father was possessive of his cars and now that he's dead, she is the same way!  I remember how she cried when she tried to drive them and he would stand in back of the car.  He would just about make her run him over.  Now she is the same way.  And the hearing aid is just stupid.  I am so sick of repeating and repeating.  My uncle died recently and when he died, he left a box of hearing aids so she put one in her ear and could hear very well.  So everyone was happy and saying she was going to get fitted for one.  and I just said "bulldust."  I know she isn't going to go and low and behold I was right.  I know the drill.

Living with her would be a constant migraine for me.  I cannot stand the TV.  She has the volume turned up so high, you can hear it in the driveway.  Sometimes she doesn't even hear the telephone ringing!  And I had her over our house to watch TV and we keep the volume at 10 or 11 but I had to turn it up to 14!  I have migraine medication I take, it's called Imitrex.  But the doctor only wants me to take it 3 days per week.  The other days I have to take Vicodin.  And I am afraid I am addicted to Vicodin now.  I just about live on it.  The headaches are from Hell.  There is no escape.  So as you say, living with either one of them is Hell on wheels.  I just try to take it a day at a time but there is a good possibility I will end up in Rehab because I think I have an opiate addiction and it isn't from getting high, it's from pain.  The pain from loud noises and smells.  Her house smells like 20 cats urinated in it.  She has a problem with her bladder.  So old fashioned, she wears my dead father's underwear and it stinks!  It literally turns my stomach and I have to hold my nose when I use her bathroom  She washes them out and they dry and smell so bad like pee, it gives me an automatic migraine.

I just want peace and quiet.  Where do I find that?  Just at night in my bed.  T hat's it.  I am also going through menopause .  Can't get a good nights sleep.  I sweat all night.  I take estrogen.  Doesn't do much good.

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Well like I said, living with her isn't an option and living with your ex isn't, either. That just means you'll need to find another way - and really, that's best, anyway.

Have you seen an attorney yet about your financial rights? You may be better off than you realize. A one-room apartment that is yours alone would be better than living like this. It's do-able, just need to find the way.

Are you on a busline? Can you bike to work? Uber? Just until you can put away enough for a vehicle.

 

 

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I live in the suburbs.  I do think there is a bus line but I have to walk several blocks to get to it and then wait.  The bus only goes so far.  I know it goes downtown, but it's dangerous and really no jobs there unless I had bank experience which I don't.  Our downtown is like a ghost town.  So the malls is where the jobs are.  We had a mall but they closed it.  The next mall is 26 miles away where I was offered a job so I hear that bus only goes there 2 times a day.  And in the winter here, it's pretty brutal.  I imagine I would freeze to death waiting for the bus and just walking to it when it's zero degrees..  I don't know any other way to get where I am going.

As far as a lawyer, good luck with that.  I have to have a day when he goes somewhere and then rents a car so I can take our car and then I would have to have an appointment to see an attorney.  This whole thing is just trapped like a rat.  I can get to see one but that would take some planning.

Today I had the migraine from absolute hell and I had to call her and I told her I was so sick.  I want to throw up sometimes the pain is so bad and alls he had to say was "can you go to the post office for me tomorrow and then go to the bank and make a deposit?"  This angered me because she has no respect for the horrible, unbearable pain that migraines cause.  I can't even see straight and I have to go to the bank?  Is she insane?  No, she's just selfish and self centered.  It's "all about her."  Completely all about her.  And she doesn't understand what the hell a headache is unless she had this debilitating pain.  So I stood up to her.  I don't give a rat's donkey if she gets mad.  I told her "I'll see how I feel."  And then she got nasty and told me her bills were going to be late unless I made it to the post office but that's just stupid.  I happen to know that the one bill she is worrying about is due October 14th!  And it only takes 2 days to get to the credit card company.  She is so full of crap!

And the other is her car insurance.  She is paying a huge premium for something she doesn't use then she complains about the money.  Does this make sense?  She should sell the damned car and be over it.  So I had to put the phone down.  My head was aching so badly.  When I picked it back up, she had hung up on me.  So that's about it.  No respect.

 

BTW, did you ever see that Bravo series "Shahs of Sunset?"  There is a woman on there.  Her name is "MJ." And her mother is a tyrant.  They call her "Vida."  That's my mother, she is Vida exactly like her.  Unbearable.  I have been reading everyone's replies and posts and realize that I have to try to take care of myself.  Just trying to find a doctor for my problems is number one to me.  And everyone else at this point can go to Hell.  When I have the pain, I am wild.  I am so sick.  Nauseated, I have aura and it's complete hell where I could just chop my head off.

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One thing I realize now is that I had let my abusers voice take over my mind to some degree. All those lack of choices that I thought I had were due to his influence. As I got away, I realized it wasn't that bad. It wasn't that hard. I could do things that he had made me believe I couldn't do. I thought there would be no jobs for me here. It wasn't true. I had believed I wouldn't be able to work because I was so sick. I had thought I wouldn't be able to survive financially without him. That wasn't true either. Watch out for that. They get in your head.

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Some thoughts:

If you find there is no other way than to take care of her bill paying, maybe set up electronic bill pay for her accounts (can also be scheduled as recurring payments) and/or with many banks it's possible to send electronic "checks." No more post office drama. 

 

If there is no suitable way to get access to transportation and work where you live....there is no law that says you have to stay there. What if you could live in a studio apartment or something that was near a mall where you can work? And on a busline and where you can get transport to other places you need to go, if they're not in walking distance? Even if this place that would enable you to live on your own, is not nearby...or even in the same state.  This is your life.  You can live where you want.

 

If you want to consult an attorney, what if you told them you can't get to an appointment in person, but maybe they can do a phone consult? Or even skype?

Or can you uber to the appointment?

There also is no law you have to listen to your mother for unending time, or do her bidding.  "I can't talk right now." "I don't feel well, I have to go, bye Mom."

The car thing and her insurance...I can tell this really bothers you a lot. The wasted car (when you need one). The wasted money (then your h buys stuff for her and not for you). But since this is something that has great meaning for her ...even though it's ironic and pointless... for the sake of your health, going to have to file this somewhere in the "things I can't do anything about so might as well stop trying" mental file.  Because otherwise you'll just get more stressed and won't be able to focus your energies where they belong - on finding ways to get your *own* needs met.

 

Might not be easy and you might need to get creative, but it can be done. 

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thank you Quaddie.  You are so right!!  I never thought of that.  I can CALL an attorney when I have privacy.  As a matter of fact, I am thinking of changing my Will so that might be a good time to seek advise about all of this crap I am going through.

 

And Thank you Bennu!  It makes good sense about the head games they play.  I try not to let it get to me.  I know I am an intelligent person.  I passed the Property and Casualty licensing test here in New York the first time.  Not too many people do.

Thank you writing and your support.  I am learning a lot.  I just feel something has to give sooner or later.  I just keep hanging in there.

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On 26 September 2016 at 3:34 PM, Vampydoll said:

I cannot stand the TV.  She has the volume turned up so high, you can hear it in the driveway.  Sometimes she doesn't even hear the telephone ringing! 

I've no choice but to live with my mother at the moment (safest place as my monster won't come here) but this made me laugh, sorry I know I shouldn't say laugh (or say sorry) but you just described my mother, in most of your descriptions - well the ones about money and the car and paying her bills, mines just as covert (in wanting things done) but not as mean fortunately. Coming from an Italian background - it's all about money and saving it. She does try to help and has never withheld anything from me though? I too am going through the painkillers like Jellybeans from the TV (I never even owned one) and from repeating myself a thousand times!

Please, please don't do what I did - move into your mother's if leaving your hubby - it's like jumping from the frying pan into the fire! Admittedly I've been lucky, she has softened somewhat, like she's recognised that she may have something to do with my childhood trauma. My mother was a bit like yours, (I say a bit only) my ex used to come over to stuff for her and she loved it, but luckily she eventually realised the terror I was living in and she will rip him to shreds if he ever comes near me. She has been a little punchy though in the "get over it" and "move on and put it behind you" department, though after you have been living on your own for the better part of your life (even if some was with my monster) there is just so much you can put up with when moving back home to an OCD perfectionist who doesn't understand what has just happened to us! 

Good luck with your escape, maybe a studio next to somewhere you can work could be a really good option you won't know yourself once you get away from them both, unless of course you start to ride their guilt trip bus as I do with my mother!🙄

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Hi Rensefx,

It's nice to wake up early to see someone posted. You write things worth reading too. Welcome.

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Awwww shucks thanks! That's probably the nicest thing I've gone to sleep to in a while! Thanx😀

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I like the beat him at her own game. Sounds like your mom is having a good time trying to get your attention. Mom just want to feel love back so your husband giving it to her he knows she will be all over that. If she wants something, insist on taking it yourself. She is pretty OLD! really how much longer will she last. 

I would take over. If your hubby has issues at the store and you need something take something he put in the cart and say No honey, I need this you'll have to make do. If you need something take something he put in the cart out. Say "No honey" I need this you'll have to make do. He just does not need the cookies if your out of mascara and he wants to argue. Go find cheap chips Chocolate chips and tell him he has to make a batch and freeze some. Yep, he has to participate in the cooking. 

My motto:
I just can't compliment you if you are not worthy of compliments. So if he acts up you get the truth. If he participates complement. No gray areas. 

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10 hours ago, MorningGlory said:

She is pretty OLD! really how much longer will she last. 

Forever it would seem??? Sorry is that what you are thinking Vampydoll???

but I do agree with morning glory, bennu & quaddie - take matters into your own hands. 

Which is only contributing growth to your true self  - set your boundaries!!

I really HATE having to take the high road bitchy approach, but sometimes, it really is needed

"says me, who is struggling in same situation!"

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Thank you everyone for all your comments and support.  I haven't been around because I have privacy issues.  But I do appreciate everything said.

I do love my mother but it reminds me a lot of that old Shakespeare play "The Taming of the Shrew.'  my headaches are bad and no one understands them unless they have the pain.  the pain is horrible.  Taking them like jelly beans made me laugh.  I thank you for that.

 

Today was the day from Hell.  He took her grocery shopping which I cannot stand so instead I made them drop me off at the gym.  Well?  I felt invisible because when they picked me up, for two people that were enemies, they are now 2 peas in a pod.  Just like "peas and carrots" as Forrest Gump would have said.  (sorry just saw that movie.) anyway, I got ignored.  Sometimes I wonder if I die first which could always be a possibility what would happen?  would they find themselves best friends?  Would they come to the cemetery to put flowers on my grave?  doubt it.

I do have the upper hand.  Bitchy?  You bet but I'm starting the new year out right.  For once in my life, I'm going to really try to put myself first.

 

As far as moving in with her, no way would I last.  I would like to get away from the rotten monster I am with, but she is not the answer.  The urine smell has got to go.  That is an automatic migraine for me.   She stinks with all those old underwears that my father wore she pads herself up with.  Doesn't she smell this?  It is horrendous stench.  It actually turns me stomach.  And to think I have to go there for Thanksgiving?  Her bathroom is not far from her kitchen.  I better load up on medications.  I will be vomiting.

I certainly want her to live forever.  Please don't think I'm heartless but this just cannot go on with the crazy stuff.  Since my father died, it has not been good.  He was the rock I broke myself up against.  He supported me, he was the best father in the world.


 

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