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Teacup

So tired of this

32 posts in this topic

I have been reading this forum for months now, my story might not be as bad as others but have found some solace here in reading other people suffer the same as me, and realising that I am not alone in this helps, so thank you all for that. I have been married for 30 years, the first year was good, it's my second marriage by the way and his third, I divorced my first husband, not as bad a marriage as this one, but we met when I was 15, so we grew apart. I have 2 children by my first husband, he has 3 by his first wife and 1 by his 2nd, we had no children together. It was a whirlwind romance, he swept me off my feet, flowers chocolates, presents and pressure to marry him, I said no several times, and after a while he phoned me and said he had been to the registrar and said they had a free day which he provisionally booked, I was touched and over the moon, loved him so of course I said yes. Fast forward a year and these weird moods crept in, and if I didn't say or do the right thing he wouldn't speak to me, sometimes for weeks on end. I had already had his name put on the mortgage and shared everything I had with him, he had left his previous marriages with nothing and contributed nothing to our home. He started being horrid to my children, they were young teenagers then and always put his first, even saying his children didn't want to visit while I was there, so I would go out, he has fallen out with his eldest daughter and they haven't spoken for 6 years. She has mental health issues and I have tried to pursuade him she might need his support, all to no avail. He lost contact with his younger daughter when she was 4, she is 30 plus now and he says he never thinks about her, his son has huge issues too, but that's another story. Back to us, he took on a few bills (I thought) but he wasn't paying them, he would grab the post not letting me read any, he had phone calls that he would take into another room so I wouldn't hear, anyway he would swear and get angry if I questioned him about anything. I found out he had 5 credit cards not being paid as well as the bills he was supposed to be paying, if I asked about anything he would swear and shout at me and say mind your own business. Therefore we were in serious debt without me knowing, or even having the opportunity to talk about. Fast forward again, he swears and shouts at me over everything, won't let me finish sentences, tells me when he wants my opinion he will ask for it, and although he doesn't hit me I feel there is always a threat of violence. His favourite thing is to turn his back to me, mumble something, then when I can't hear him he shouts loudly in my face, and then bangs his fist or a knife down in a threatening way. Should anyone behave like this? I have had to go to the doctors recently because I have anxiety and panic attacks and stress related stomach problems. My family, and even some of his urge me to leave him but it's a scary thought as I am 70 and starting again now is very daunting. I went to stay with my son for a while for a rest, and when I got back there were flowers in every room and he also started going to counselling, promising to never do these things again, but I don't believe him or trust him as this is his 3rd time of going to a counsellor, then giving up because he says they don't work! He is being super nice at the moment, but I still feel sick with fear because I know it will all come back. I still have to rehearse what I am going to say to for fear it will be 'wrong' or he will twist my words into something I didn't say. This is only the tip of a huge iceberg, I feel my head is going to explode. Gosh, so sorry to burden you with this my story got far too long, thank you for reading it. 

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You are living a horribly abusive situation. Have you read Lundy Bancrofts Why Does He Do That?

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Fluffyflea,

Thank you for reading and replying to my post so quickly. I am halfway throughout reading Lundy Bancroft's book, my goodness it could have been written specially for me! After so many years I am still finding it hard to understand that it's not my fault,  because I have been told so many times, (by him) that it's all my fault and if I wasn't so stupid he would be ok. We had our 30th anniversary recently, he knew it was because we had mentioned it a few days previously, I got him a card but he forgot, it was of course my fault because I didn't remind him! Can't stop crying now  while I am writing, I try not to cry because my tears are wasted on him, I think writing about this has helped though. Thank you again for reading this.

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He probably forgot on purpose.

and NONE of this is your fault.

Im glad you found this site. Everyone here has been very helpful and supportive since I've been here.

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Yes he did 'forget' on purpose! I'm so glad I found this site, and happy you to have their support.

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Teacup...........yes looking at single life at age 70 is daunting and fearful...........but these are supposed to be the years when you can sit back and enjoy life after working and clearly your life is not like that!  I am 66 next month and have been divorced since January after being married 31 years........second marriage for both of us.  I continue to work full-time and will until I'm 70 or beyond in order to have enough retirement to have some comfort later.  It's not what I had planned, but so much better than living in drama and craziness for another 5, 10, 15 years or more!

It sounds like you have an avenue of escape by staying with your son??  Don't overlook family and friends who are willing to help you start over by offering their homes until you get settled in a safe life.  And yes, your spouse is very abusive including your fears of physical violence.

:hug005:

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Thank you Lizzibethak for your kind words. Yes my son would take me in short term, he has 3 teenage sons though and not much room, but it is an option. I also have 2 fur babies, who I love to bits and I am loathe to leave them because he is not kind to them (not in front of other people) in fact he hit one of them for eating too quickly!!! She is the kindest sweetest girl and didn't deserve that, but it was aimed at hurting me. I asked him not to hit her which made him really angry, in a quiet moment I said all I asked you to do is please not hit her, which made things worse with him yelling at me saying 'you did not say please' over and over and louder and louder, sorry to rant but I've never let this out before. By the way you are so brave for getting out 31 years a long, long time. Finance is my big worry as I retired 5 years ago.

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Teacup...............can you find a part-time job and some rent reduced/income based housing??  Do you have options for some private counseling??  You are going to continue to have flashbacks for quite some time, but I talk it all out with the "kids" and they don't judge they just purr and knead bread on me and give me nose kisses and head butts.  

Once you break the silence and start talking about what you have gone through, whether with family or friends, you may find you have more resources and options than you had thought.  I have an awesome sister, great co-workers and a loving church family, along with his kids, my kid and all the grandkids who are supportive of me.  He barely has a relationship with any of them..........and I didn't influence that, he did it all himself through years of craziness and drama and abuse.

Peace is a wonderful thing..........never underestimate its power............

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2 hours ago, Teacup said:

Thank you Lizzibethak for your kind words. Yes my son would take me in short term, he has 3 teenage sons though and not much room, but it is an option. I also have 2 fur babies, who I love to bits and I am loathe to leave them because he is not kind to them (not in front of other people) in fact he hit one of them for eating too quickly!!! She is the kindest sweetest girl and didn't deserve that, but it was aimed at hurting me. I asked him not to hit her which made him really angry, in a quiet moment I said all I asked you to do is please not hit her, which made things worse with him yelling at me saying 'you did not say please' over and over and louder and louder, sorry to rant but I've never let this out before. By the way you are so brave for getting out 31 years a long, long time. Finance is my big worry as I retired 5 years ago.

Please take your pets with you if you leave.

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Fluffyflea ..... Oh yes, I will not leave him with my babies x

My son and my daughter and their respective families are my absolute rocks, never judge me, they just urge me to do the best for me, they both know what he is like as they remember him from old. After the dog incident I told him we needed some time apart so he went on a little holiday (which I funded) for a couple of weeks. Oh just me and my beautiful dogs was so good, I didn't feel lonely, in fact I realised I am only lonely when he is here, it was like breathing fresh air again! The downside was of course he came back! While he was away I did manage to reconnect with a few people and was brave enough to 'come out' and confide in friends that I thought had no idea what's happening, but in fact nobody seemed surprised, one lovely friend has given me a key if ever I need a safe house day or night. 

He told me today he won't be going to the counsellor anymore as he reckons he's 'cured'! At least I don't have to pay for his therapy now so I can now find one of my own. I tried to talk to him about past issues but apparently my problem is I can't let anything go,  just let it go and move on, or the past is history or don't bring that up again! 

I wonder if anyone has gotten their other half to leave, maybe I should try asking him to leave? I need some peace. 

 

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#1. If you haven't already...Make an appointment to see an attorney and find out what rights you will have in a separation/divorce.  You may find that you may be better off financially than you expect.

 

If someone is hitting a dog, there is no requirement to say "please" while telling them to stop.  It's not something you should feel you have to ask someone.  It's not ask-type situation.  You would have every right to demand - to SHOUT -" DO NOT HIT MY DOG!!! (YOU @SSH0[3)."

Abusing animals is one of the signs of a psychopath.

You deserve SAFETY. :(

%

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#1. If you haven't already...Make an appointment to see an attorney and find out what rights you will have in a separation/divorce.  You may find that you may be better off financially than you expect.

 

If someone is hitting a dog, there is no requirement to say "please" while telling them to stop.  It's not something you should feel you have to ask someone.  It's not ask-type situation.  You would have every right to demand - to SHOUT -" DO NOT HIT MY DOG!!! (YOU @SSH0[3)."

Abusing animals is one of the signs of a psychopath.

You deserve SAFETY. :(

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I'm sorry Teacup. It sounds terrible. You may need to get out yourself to get him out. 

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Teacup..............mine only left when I told him it was over and he found another sweetie online 7,000 miles away and decided to move there...........she has no clue, she believed all his crap online and through Skype...........thinks he's wonderful.............ugh.........

 

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Lizzibethak, wish mine would find someone else, it would do me a favour!

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Dear Teacup, I am reading this story and situation and you have my sympathy.  I am 58 and was stupid.  Got married way to young.  I don't know what you can do is just to take it one day at a time.  To go off on your own, is tough.  I am scared too but I have bills I know I can't pay and would have to go live with my mother and she's no picnic.

What I try to do is be tough.  I don't cry as much as I used to.  And I try to take care of myself.  People tell me I'm strong.  I don't see it but maybe I am.  I will admit I am addicted to tranqualizers.  My gyno gives them to me.  I take one and zone out.  Life is so difficult and then we have this crap to put up with.  I am so sorry.  Wish I knew what to tell you to do.

 

Vampy

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Hi Vampydoll, I to sympathise with you and agree life is hard. It should be easier late in life. People tell me I am courageous and brave, but I feel weak and stupid, it certainly helps to know I am not alone in this and writing here helps to let some of it out. Money is short here too, and I'm scared for the future. I have been trying to retaliate and confront mine recently, but as I expect you have found, it just makes him worse and more frightening. You are right it's all crap. I am sorry for you too.

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Are you working? I think the best way to lessen those fears is to get into the work force and realize that you can do it.

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That's what I want to do.  Imagine getting offered 2 jobs with just walking through Macy's?  A woman wants me to come work for her with Estee Lauder which I used to do years ago and a friend of mine, offered me a job selling sunglasses in the mall.  But nope!  can't work because I have no car and that selfish mother won't let me borrow hers even though she isn't driving.  She is always bitching at me about spending money but it's really none of her business what I buy because she certainly isn't paying for it.  I try to please myself.  I love shoes and makeup and handbags.  And she is always bitching about the money I spend.  Is it any of her business?  If I go broke it's my business if my credit card doesn't get paid.

Right now I'm looking for Christmas presents because I buy my own.  My husband does buy me anything and just because I want designer shoes and believe me, I am worth it!  she bitches at me. Wants me to go for cheap shoes.  Well?  I paid my dues when I worked earning crap so I saved a little and I want to enjoy it.

 

I AM SO SICK OF DOMINATING PEOPLE.  I am 58 years old.  Not 16   I don't need any a-holes telling me what to do!

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Can you take the bus? Lots of people work who don't have cars.

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Haven't been able to vent here for a while, things went from bad to worse and my head is so fuddled now. He finished his counselling and announced he wanted to move forward and would not be abusive any more, he has been so 'nice' it's sick making! I said but if you can switch it of now, why didn't you stop the verbal abuse years ago? His reply was 'forget the past, we start from now, end of story, RIGHT ' aggressively! So, ....... today I went into a solicitors office and filed for divorce! I have told him, so I guess the hard bit will now start. He is being horrid already, threatening to tell my family all my failings, blah blah blah. My family are being very supportive and kind, so why do I feel weak and full of fear, can't stop shaking, short of breath etc, should I have done this? why do I feel guilty, now he looks so sad, all I want to do is cry, need a hug!

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:::Big Hugs::: It's super scary even if everyone supports you and you have someplace to go. But trust the people you love. Go to them. Let them help you through this. Don't let him convince you you're all alone and don't feel bad for him you need to take care of you. He's going to try to make you feel guilty or he's going to become a bully about it. You deserve love and peace of mind.

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Thank you clurichaun for your kind words and hugs, sending big hugs to you too. I felt like superwoman on my way home today, now I'm back to that shrinking grey haired old lady that I was yesterday! Thank goodness for this site, positive comments sure do help. He has already made me feel guilty and is also being a bully. You're right we all deserve peace and love, hope you get the peace and love you deserve too.

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This site helps me so much too. I know how you mean feeling the ups and downs. Reading other posts I can see the abuse easier than I see my own and I keep that in mind when the guilt or fear starts getting to me. I think about all you wonderful strong ladies and it helps me be strong too.

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Good for you Teacup. You are amazing. Keep it us. It's OK to have a down moment. Then you get up and shake it off. Go girl!

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