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Kate181

A Newbie Whos Delighted To Have Found This Group

13 posts in this topic

Thank you for the acceptance to this forum.

I dont even know where to start so Ill keep it simple in the first instance. I need to read lots of posts and gain strength from those here within the group.

Im 13 weeks separated today after a very long relationship of 38 years - 32 years married to the man that chose the path to abuse me to the point of  "nearly" no return back for me more than once. Permanent sleeping seemed such a possible relief and only solution.  I changed my mind and I made it!!!  Ive been through all the uglies from the fires and pits of hell on earth more than once.  Lucky me.. I spotted the light from the bottom of the bottomless pit. It was very dim, but I focused and kept reaching with hope in my soul. Ive been crawling on my hands and knees since till I finally climbed out and stopped looking back. It wasnt easy Ive done it completely alone and isolated from everyone he has manipulated. Thats ok my kids will come back to me I know. Im there Mum   Thankfully with the support of the relevant counseling I attend weekly Im a stronger person today than I was even yesterday. Looking forward to attending a local DV group at the beginning of October.

I look forward to gaining insight, strength and personal empowerment of finding the wholesome person I am with the support and knowledge from other members here.

Edited by Kate181

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All I can say is good for you!  I wish I had the strength but money is always the issue with me.  Need health insurance which he pays among other things.  God bless you.  You sound like you are on your way!

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Thanks Vampydoll.... Im hearing ya.... Yes the $$$s.... been there done that... he cut me off hardcore..... Im trying beautiful.... with every ounce of my essence.....hes been a "challenging " thing today..ripped me big time... and he isnt even in our home.....I am!!!!.... . I rose above in the faith of authors.. hope its ok to mention " Lundy BandCroft and Patricia Evans"..... so much strength theyve given me without knowing... Today... my affirmation is .... "Im self defining" ... now Im going to have a big cry and wake up in the morning.... knowing I can get through.... hope youll stand by me Vampydoll and wipe my tears,..... we can do this... weve been through worse..... havent we??....its all good... :)

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Nice to meet you Kate181. Vampydoll, in many places, when you file for divorce, it is specified that insurance has to be continued to be paid.

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Kate 181............you sound great for 13 weeks out...........I am now 8 months divorced after 31 years of marriage and my life is wonderfully peaceful and very fulfilling and totally without drama and craziness!  I can't wait to get home every afternoon to my 3 fur-babies and my home (ugly and unfinished as it is.......that's another story........XH never finished projects).  I walk 2+ miles several times a week, I am slowly buying new(er) furnishings and decorating my space and saving for retirement.  I have meaningful work, great friends and I'm learning to do things I want to do on my own.  Winter is coming, so I expect some depression as the days get shorter and darker, but I know I can get through this.......welcome and thank you for sharing!

 

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Kate181

Welcome to our site. Glad you are out of a bad marriage and you seem to be doing good. That's great!

 

 

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Thank you lizzibethak, Bennu and Hoping for your warm welcome. 

Im doing my best. Not a good day for me today. I cried lots and had my interview for the DV local group. Had to revisit some scary grounds. Wasn't easy. I still struggle with having being sexually assualted and raped by him. Which was the final straw for me that bought about the seperation in the end. I'm working through my PTSD step by step  

Lizzibethak. Yes the fur kids!! I've got 3 as well. They're my soul loves. Funny ya know when my gut was off the radar when we first separated my ginger boy would sleep on top of me on my gut. I truely appreciate the hidden secret therapy of fur kids. Yup those unfinished projects.  So many. In my case it was more the childish damage he carried out covertly. I own a chalking gun now and even know how to use it. I'm on fire!!! I can even trim a 100000 foot palm. It's wasnt really that tall lucky if it was 12 foot, but to me it was huge. I trimmed it big time. To ground level. Sadly he works in a correctional facility and has for 21 years. Currently in a sex offenders prison. Hence his sexual abuse on me I now see. Plus understand why. He's desensitised. As was I at the time to a different degree. My home was the prison, our bedroom the cell and I was the prisoner. I only became aware of this after he left. I too have worked in maximum security prisons front line and after he left I noted the prison here I was in. Right down to how things were placed in the home. I wasn't allowed curtains or even a shower curtin which is consistent with a prison environment due to pontential risk of a death in custody. Can't understand yet why I was never allowed to wear bathers though. !! Doesn't matter I'm buying bathers soon summer is around the corner! 

 

Thanks for for letting me vent. 

Edited by Kate181

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Kate181..............Yes there will be flashbacks and "moments" and bless your heart for continuing to forge ahead towards your healing....we all still have those days but they don't affect me as they did a few months ago.  And I too have purged and burned and thrown out and given to charity and finally have a nice, happy space....and I still find more stuff to get rid of but all in due time..........one day at a time!

 

Hugs to you from the other side of the world............

 

 

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Lizzibethak... Thank you for the hug from afar, it felt lovely, plz accept one back from down under.

The flash backs was due to the questioning I had to complete for the interview. It was ugly going through the process. I just closed my eyes, placed my arms over the top of my head and took slow breaths and tried to detach from the feelings of hurt and memories that emerged with each question I was asked. Had to give a rating of 1-5 on each question. Horrible that most were 5s.

I can't wait for " those days" to come for me. I'm still very raw inside. Had quite a bit of anxiety last few days. I'm not on meds by my own choice. When I saw my Dr I did discuss the need and as I felt I didn't get PTSD on meds I wanted to try to get through without meds. I left the final decision up to my Dr. I was on Valium for the first 10 days following separation and am rather proud of myself that's all to date I needed. 

Yup I burnt a pair of his jocks early in the peace. Lol.  I dunno it sounds crazy but it felt really good burning them on the paving. It felt like I was burning all his po rn by this act. I'm lacking motivation big time atm. I'm slowly trying to work through the clutter and chaos here. Those 3 spare rooms are so tough to face. I desperately need to sort them to rid myself of the overwhelming feelings of " too hard" and " what should of been" I think it's because it was our kids bedrooms that they grew up in from a new born bub till they left home at 20. I know I'm grieving for the loss of 38 years plus the future that can never be.. I also know when it's time to walk away with no regrets. I can look my deceased father deep in his eyes at the gates of heaven when my time comes and say to him " dad I did everything I could think of... I gave it my all ...heart and soul....nothing stays the same forever" 

May I ask would you and others be able to offer any suggestions on how to overcome my feelings of care I still feel for him.? It isn't a love feeling. I told him last week I want a divorce and the reality and impact of what's occurred has hit him finally and he's sinking. This doesn't bother me what does is although we are apart and contact is limited to essential only ..(we are selling off our investment property that he's in) I'm feeling his hurt. How do I detach from this? 

Thanks 

 

Edited by Kate181

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Hi Kate,

Sorry to hear about everything you have been thru, it is nice to see another "local" on here, I am not as long out as you are but to over come the feelings of care you mention, I have written myself a letter addressing all the instances of abuse and the feelings I had at these times, when I feel the urge to speak to her or am starting to doubt or blame myself for what has happened, I read the letter and remind myself what life had really become, it was an idea given to me by users on the SANE forums, which is a local Australian site that I have found quite open and encouraging, best of luck on your recovery and if you ever need anything please feel free to make contact

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Kate...........what you may be experiencing is called "trauma bonding" and it makes you think you still love them when in fact you don't............you are in love with who you thought they were or who you were hoping they would be.  It's part of the grief and healing process because you are mourning all the years and dreams lost..........

Be careful and watch yourself if you are starting to pity him for what you are "doing to him".............I went through about 6 months of drama and hell before he finally left.  He was all over the place emotionally (BPD/N) and I did my best to stay detached.  What hurt the most was that as soon as I told him it was over, he blew up and said he wasn't going to live alone.........he was old (72) and didn't want to be alone and so he was going to find someone else to love and marry.  Boom...........took him all of 2 months to emotionally seduce and commit to an online "friend" he had known for a couple of years.......they play Farmtown together.  I caught them Skypeing continually and he was stupid enough to not password protect his phone or tablet so I read their Facebook messages to each other............I was the witch who never loved him and he was the poor soul in search of his forever love................gag!!!!  He bought a one-way ticket to Massachusetts and left in January...........our divorce was final a week later.

8 months later and he's wanting to get back to Alaska and the relationship isn't working out as he had thought it would.  Oh how I wish I were a fly on the wall to see what he's put her through................

At this point, I can actually have some "fond" memories of times together........but I don't go back and visit emotionally deep/intimate times because those cause flashbacks and I'm moving beyond that.

Just one day at a time Kate............once you get the property gone and the divorce final, you can feel more like it's really behind you.........

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Hi Kate and welcome.

It is definitely OK to mention any resources that you have found helpful. The more options people have the better. Both those books are very helpful in understanding abuse and whey they do what they do. They are listed in our Library in the resources section.

I am glad you are going to a group. They can be quite helpful with the healing process along with counseling if you can access it. Not sure what is available in WA. I am in Vic.

It is also perfectly normal to have good days and bad days. It is also normal to experience a lot of different emotions and to mourn the relationship. More for what it should have been rather than for what it actually was. I do think it is important to allow yourself to feel what ever you are feeling. In time feelings pass. Crying if you need is part of the healing process. I know I cried buckets some days in the first months after I left a 28 year relationship. Now a distant memory for me. In time the pain fades and the memories lose their hold on you. No set time frame as we each heal in our own time and in our own way.

There can be some fun things about reclaiming your life and discovering the real you again. It can be a bit of an adventure exploring your own personal likes and dislikes and finding out what brings you joy.

I don't doubt that your hurt is far greater than his. Has he at any point had genuine concern for the pain and suffering he has put you through? You matter. Your needs are important. It his choices and actions that have got him to the situation he is currently in. I don't doubt you gave it everything you have got to make it work. Most of us who make it to a group like this have yet most also will wonder if only they had tried this or that it may have been different. Reality is that it never mattered what you did or did not do as the issue is and always was a problem within himself.

Be gentle with yourself. You deserve your own love. No one deserves to be abused.

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Thank you Usedto... I did write myself letters initially and I became so angry I stopped doing that. Maybe time to try starting that again. I'll give it a shot. Thank you for your suggestion. I don't have feelings of blame at all. More so feelings of self shame in taking it for so long. I don't have any urges to contact him. I still feel sick to my core on what happened here hence no desire to contact unless essential. He's  someone I thought I knew I now realise I never did know him it at all. I was merely his host to parasite off of. Hang in there with your own recovery. It's so raw in the first few weeks. I coped by putting my stereo up loud and danced like a lunatic. Hahahahahaha. You're a treasure. 

 

Lizzibethak.... Thank you ..... Yes you've  hit a nail on the head for me. i researched trauma bonding. Yup that's where I'm at. I don't feel love at all for him. I lost that feeling some years ago. It's obvious to me I see him self destructing which is where my care factor comes in. He does have ADD which he's chosen to stop taking meds for, depression takes meds and there's now no doubt in mind he does have undiagnosed mental health conditions. Narcissim being pretty high on the list if not other PD disorders. Nonetheless no mental health disorders warrant abuse of anyone. His problems not mine. He's playing the sook/victim and using our adult children/family and friends to convince himself he did no wrong and I'm the problem. That's all part of their game and thought patterns. My kids will come back I know. I'm so determined to show them the true power of personal strength, forgiveness and the soul depth of unconditional love as their mum. Not many " fond memories" can I recall therefore I try not to go there. Each memory I now see holds a tentical of abuse. He was passive/aggressive until the last few months he started becoming physically assaulting behind closed doors. Thank you for your support and encouragement. Only 8 1/2 months to go and I can proceed with a divorce. 

Thank you Curly for the welcome  

I found both authors described my situation so accurately. As I've read elsewhere people state " it's like you were describing my partner and relationship". The DV group is being run via Anglicare and current counselling is with SARC ( sexual assault resource centre-it's a division of the health dept) 

Self discovery .. Yes  I'm looking at it as I have to " de frag" self!!! I'm slowly daily enjoying doing what I want  putting things where I like them plus taking out the trash  !! 

No he's shown no concern whatsoever for the impact of what's happened. 2 weeks after he left I thought I was having a stroke, was actually in a good head space that night. I was taken by ambulance to ED to find out it was a delayed reaction to his abuse. I licked my wounds and accepted this as the beginning of healing. He didn't know and when I told him didn't bother responding either.  Doesn't feel he needs counselling or that it will help. He's in denial and still despite me stating divorce only  he thinks we will get back together. I have to be honest in saying I have no " if onlys I did this/that" I did all that , that's why it took me to the duration of our marriage to realise there's absolutely nothing more I could of done or offered to improve our circumstances. We identified abuse as the major problem in the marriage in March. He stated he'd work on us. It got uglier and he started raping me. I was so terrified. We separated for a week beginning of June and he went off the radar stalking me. 2 weeks later I called the ball. It took me 5 hours to get him out for the final time. Phew! I don't know how I did it looking back there now. 

Thanks Curly, im  being as gentle with self as I can and I'm going to have a shower now and go for a walk on the beach and spoil myself with a hot chocolate! 

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