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Usedtotrusteveryone

Daily struggle, feeling to blame, no outlet for tears

68 posts in this topic

One thing to emphasize is that the ones who aren't having problems aren't going to support groups anymore. Just because those people are still having issues doesn't mean that you will 10 years from now. I see really huge improvements in my own self. I still have a ways to go, but things have changed dramatically.

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Thank you for sharing your journey and the steps you've taken. It helps those of us who need some hope that things will get better. Healing can be painful because we're pushing through all of the pain we suppressed while we were in an abusive situation. I think it's a true sigh that you ARE pushing through it, you ARE working out all of those feelings. 

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100 days down, just keep marking off the little milestones and taking two steps forward and a step and a half back but forward it is............ looking forward to the next 100, the bad days are still really bad and not taking people and situations on face value is a struggle, trying to remember that not everyone is pushing an agenda and not every conversation has a hidden meaning, I am becoming more aware of the triggers and more considerate of myself as my thinking becomes clearer and I become more comfortable being myself again.

here to talk and share/ sympathize, reflect anytime, a burden shared is a burden lessened.it really is eerie how similar all our stories are when you strip it all back

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Hi Guys,

just had the most random trigger for a meltdown of the highest order last night, I have been sick for a couple of days (nothing serious, some would say the man flu), a friend offered to come and sit with me for a while and offer a bit of help and just be around, it was so sweet and a simple thing but all I thought about was being left in hospital multiple times on my own and the countless occasions where support was always a one way thing because "I have kids", it was a horrible flashback and just a stark realization of how badly I was treated when I compared it to the simple instant offer from a genuine person.

I hate that the triggers are so random and the reactions still remain so intense  and crippling, I honestly had hoped that the days of sitting on the floor and crying and doing nothing but looking back were a thing of the past but reality check for me and we continue to learn and cope as we go I guess.

Not isolating yourself for fear of these triggers and reactions is incredibly difficult, I hate that I have been made this timid and frightened person who can become so withdrawn and non trusting so quickly.

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1 hour ago, Usedtotrusteveryone said:

I hate that I have been made this timid and frightened person who can become so withdrawn and non trusting so quickly.

Me too!

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Hi Everyone,

Just wondering if anyone can share their experiences with, stress levels and panic attacks after exiting the abusive relationship, I was going fairly well until about a week ago, now I find myself looking back at a lot of things that were done to me and resenting myself for not trusting friends and opening up and allowing people to know what was happening and getting myself to a safe place and it is causing a lot of negative reflection and panic attacks when around other people expecting more of the same from them. it is yuck....................

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You exited the relationship so you did get yourself to a safe place, no? Better late than never. 

Don't look back and do the woulda coulda shoulda. It was a very tough situation and basically impossible to get out of unharmed. We just do our best and move forward. Good job ending it. Now just keep going! Stress is normal. Anxiety is normal but try to head off panic attacks by not focusing on ex so much. Focus on you and pampering you. When you feel a panic attack coming on move to a quiet place and do some deep breathing. If you pray, now is the time. Prayer was the key to calming my anxiety.

Join a yoga class. Even if it's not your thing, do it now for the calming effect to get you through this hard time.

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I had a terrible time and still do. I get such anxiety that I feel like I just can't take it. I can't think straight. It screws up my work performance. I fight through it and life goes on. It sucks, but you can get through. Take each moment at a time. Let some people in. Sharing helps and people care. It's amazing how nice most people are!

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Thanks Blueskye, sometimes it takes someone to remind you of the progress you have made and the steps you have taken to protect yourself, seeing the forest through the tree's is hard sometimes but you make some really good points, I used to run a lot but now find that difficult due to it involving a lot of time on your own and inside your own head so I will as you suggest look into something along the class line so I am in a group environment.

 

Bennu, it is truly frightening how similar our situations and reactions seem to be but I am ever so thankful for you sharing and helping me see that these stages and reactions are "normal", I am so afraid of letting people in for fear of judgment or rejection, not fitting that whole "guys should suck it up" stereotype or you are imagining it or exaggerating. I have reached out to a couple of people and they have been amazing but I am fearful of them getting sick of me going one step forward and two steps back and ending up isolated, it is that cycle we discussed earlier of being "timid and afraid". thank you I truly appreciate it.

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Just a quick check in Girls and Guys,

When I first began this journey back in August I absolutely dreaded every day and the challenges that would unexpectedly present, Christmas seemed a hurdle to far and I was afraid of the smallest little daily things, I have been in regular sessions with a clinical psychologist and on and off involved in a victims  assistance program (so confronting that I cant go all the time).

I Experienced a debilitating panic attack on boxing day, I think it was more exhaustion from navigating Christmas and all the flash backs from the past. I still struggle to understand how I let this happen to me and how it got as far as it did but I do a much better job of not punishing myself for it.

My counselor has been a wonderful outlet for the tears and helping me understand that  I am in fact grieving what I wished the relationship was rather than what it actually was which is why I am having such trouble reintegrating with others and trusting them, conversations with other people are still triggers for incidents of control and abuse to resurface in my memory

I just wanted to share with everyone who is still struggling with their decision / relationship that it is ok to struggle, it is ok to second guess yourself but at the end of the day please trust yourself and what you know is best for you because the road "out" is long and difficult but it is worth it, the moments of fear and dread still happen and the "how" moments are still there also but the freedom and the no longer justifying or diminishing the behavior is liberating.

I still feel lonely from time to time and I still wonder "what if" and there are still more sleepless nights recounting things than I probably should admit, not all your friends will understand and some that do will move on from the situation very quickly believing that you should be "over it" by now, so please stay strong and find it in yourself to stay true to yourself.

If you have found yourself here on this forum like myself it was a cry for help and for someone to tell you "it isn't right", please know that the more you talk to someone the better it gets, the doubts and fear remain but the only way to escape and grow is to seek help and talk to experts.

Please everyone, look after yourself and each other this place was and remains a safety net and I wanted to thank you all while still acknowkedging the battles we all face and the horrible and cruel things we have seen and lived.

take care all and thank you for letting me ramble on and share

 

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10 hours ago, Usedtotrusteveryone said:

Just a quick check in Girls and Guys,

When I first began this journey back in August I absolutely dreaded every day and the challenges that would unexpectedly present, Christmas seemed a hurdle to far and I was afraid of the smallest little daily things, I have been in regular sessions with a clinical psychologist and on and off involved in a victims  assistance program (so confronting that I cant go all the time).

I Experienced a debilitating panic attack on boxing day, I think it was more exhaustion from navigating Christmas and all the flash backs from the past. I still struggle to understand how I let this happen to me and how it got as far as it did but I do a much better job of not punishing myself for it.

My counselor has been a wonderful outlet for the tears and helping me understand that  I am in fact grieving what I wished the relationship was rather than what it actually was which is why I am having such trouble reintegrating with others and trusting them, conversations with other people are still triggers for incidents of control and abuse to resurface in my memory

I just wanted to share with everyone who is still struggling with their decision / relationship that it is ok to struggle, it is ok to second guess yourself but at the end of the day please trust yourself and what you know is best for you because the road "out" is long and difficult but it is worth it, the moments of fear and dread still happen and the "how" moments are still there also but the freedom and the no longer justifying or diminishing the behavior is liberating.

I still feel lonely from time to time and I still wonder "what if" and there are still more sleepless nights recounting things than I probably should admit, not all your friends will understand and some that do will move on from the situation very quickly believing that you should be "over it" by now, so please stay strong and find it in yourself to stay true to yourself.

If you have found yourself here on this forum like myself it was a cry for help and for someone to tell you "it isn't right", please know that the more you talk to someone the better it gets, the doubts and fear remain but the only way to escape and grow is to seek help and talk to experts.

Please everyone, look after yourself and each other this place was and remains a safety net and I wanted to thank you all while still acknowkedging the battles we all face and the horrible and cruel things we have seen and lived.

take care all and thank you for letting me ramble on and share

 

That's beautiful.

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Hi Guys,

Hoping for some guidance from those with a little more experience and distance that I currently have. I have been out on a few dates with a lovely lady but I am wondering / concerned that it is just the fact that it is "different" that has me interested, ( she is financially independent, looks for her own time, does not demand mine, open and at this stage seems to be "normal" or whatever that is)

 

is there anyone out there game to share their experiences with dating after getting away from your ex and how you came to understand what is "normal" and what isn't, it seems ridiculous to my rational and overly analytical side but she seems so different that it feels wrong!!!!!!! but is that what makes it right?, have I been that conditioned and trained to the other controlling and manipulative ways that I can not see the forest from the tree's?

 

thanks in advance to anyone game to share with me, I know it will not be easy.

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I am still in an abusive relationship but for what it's worth, I  would start out by believing this person is genuinely nice, but be very aware of "red flags".   You probably have a great radar for red flags signalling similar behaviour to that what you experienced in your previous relationship, but you may miss the red flags of other types of abusive personality. I would take things very, very slow and write a journal after each date noting all the good and bad things that happened (even a minor feeling of "that's odd" or "I wouldn't do it that way" or the opposite like she dealt with a stressful situation very well).  When you look back later on there will be trends and that may be very helpful - either good or bad.      

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Your doing great...

Being confused about what is normal sounds familiar. It is the different relationships that will put you closer to knowing who you are and how you want to spend the rest of your days. I find it is a balance of knowing yourself and knowing your partner. I look at like two 100% full adults coming together. You do not always have things that sinc up but it is the person that is willing to meet you at points to have a sense of forward moving unity. In time you start to learn who each other are and moving together gets easier not harder.

If you want a traditional relationship and your partner wants a modern one. The odds of meeting up will be difficult. You will always be moving away from each other. So knowing what you want is part of the success of finding it. If you want the closeness of little old couples that are like one in kinder spirits. Then you desire to fly to city's and open businesses all over then you are fighting your wants. Most people that want the kindle spirit couples find a spot and stay and pull in community around them. If your the pioneer that wants to fly around and see new things. That is more of a modern relationship and those have more freedoms socially. You have to be very secure with each other. When you see a women like the one you described earlier. She was settled. She sound like she might know if she is more modern or traditional. This is where you have to fall in love with someone that can complement you and have a area of similar growth.  

I have had anxiety and PTSD. I found that the more I take on to grow with out abuse around me the more that anxiety goes away. It has something to do with growing into my life. I am a more delicate person after the abuse and because of that need a person that can allow me to just be. People that coach others are the opposite of what I need to be healed and feel loved. Yet I do like movement in life. So once you learn your own self you can find these niches. It's never perfect because you are two different people but it should be a experience where you both are trying to help each other feel love. When it opens up in your lap you will find a friend and that will be the person you want to spend you time with. The wounds will be trusted that is all I can say. 

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I think deep down we all know what a healthy relationship looks like. Think about someone in your life who you really trust to treat you well and support you no matter what. It could be a sibling, a grandparent, a friend, cousin, etc. Their gender doesn't even matter. This is the measuring stick for your dates. Take these traits and add a little romance and attraction and that's what you're after. You're not going to get there on a few dates. It may feel totally foreign at first because maybe we've never dated anyone "healthy" before. So stick through the awkward stage and see what forms. 

I remember when I first went no-contact how weird and foreign that felt. It was VERY unusual and uncomfortable. But I pushed through until now it seems normal and 100x better! I think we apply that same concept to dating. 

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Morning Glory,

thank you for taking the time to reply the last paragraph really hit home as to where my mind is at and what I feel at this time, trusting is hard, sharing yourself again with someone else even harder but being aware that sharing doesn't mean submitting to someone is important too and I guess that is the reassurance and guidance I was looking for so thank you for articulating that for me.

it is important to remain true to yourself and nurture the person I want to be and also allow her to know who the real me is and see if we can share growing together I guess. the more I am disconnected from the abusive relationship the more I realize that I had completely lost myself and my identity while trying to please the ex to stop the criticism and ridicule. relearning to let someone in and not over analyzing every situation (because we don't have to agree on everything but there has to be respect when we don't) is a ride I am still taking

 

Blueskye,

thank you, the no contact analogy and the pushing through makes perfect sense, I guess I am afraid of being out there and getting hurt again and I am cursed with an overly active mind, so I don't tend to let things just happen (anymore), right now my perception  of normal is so tilted by past experience that the "wow" factor of hey "I am not in trouble for x, y, z" is making it difficult to get a feel for balance (in all my relationships, friend or family)

but I am becoming more self aware  and the direction I get from people here is something I value very much so thank you all.

 

Appletree

My hyper sensitivity to reactions and signals because of past abuse/control is what is making me question what is normal, it is a sad thing to admit but at this time I actually don't need a journal to remember anything but the point about comparison and taking things very slow I could not agree with more it is why I felt like I had to ask the forum for some help and guidance on what is normal and how to proceed, thank you for replying and putting in writing the thoughts in my head. 

 

 

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The best advice I can give you. Even if you have one or two situations that make you feel like they remind you of your EX. Do not relate them to your EX's relationship. Know that that was a situation that happened with the narc. Go after teaching and communication with your new partner. All abuse survivors have one or two areas that are tricky that trigger memories. Keep telling your self-different circus different monkeys. Believe in the mind being able to have plasticity. Your new partner should be able to learn. Look for the growing in love part. You now know what to look for and your odds of finding it are better. You might be a tad bit more critical/choosy. If your new partner does not have the general goodness part then It should wake you up sooner. The reason for this is that why you learned from pain. You do not make people pay for your pain. I was more concerned with my new partner allowing me to handle issues that I was working out still. Just because I am no contact does not mean that I am no contact with children we share, some of our mutual friends, contacts we shared. ECT... Life goes on and I found someone that understood situations would still happen. We still experience things that were coming from the other direction. If my EX-sent a bomb my way that I was not to be blamed or hurt any further. I needed to try and handle it myself. It's not my partner fault. It affects both of us but he does not have to be anyone different to counter my EX. He is allowed his own voice but with understanding to not jump in and lash out. I practised self-perseverance and protection while clearly stating where the gaslighting was coming from. This part is hard to deal with. The only reason my current spouse gets it is because he has a family member that is like that. That what it took for me finding someone that relate to me. I would never be needing that much of an understanding partner if I did not have the narc abuse. Somehow it is a situation that changes your life. There are wonderful sharp people that if they know you are a narc survivor would just not take on the headache. I kind of don't blame them either? So you find a person that will love you with what you have and what you can build. My narc abuse caused a lot of issues. What it did not do is succeed in sinking me. With the right person, you will be able to open up those areas slowly piece by piece. When you see that they still love you. You will then know what you did not feel before. LOVE!!!! 

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MorningGlory,

Thank you that was very insightful and considered, I am slowly adapting and not expecting the "bombs" when little things happen and building a level of trust with myself and my needs more so. it is a real challenge to not cling onto this new partner because they are not displaying similar behavior and just giving myself and the relationship time to develop and grow. I am learning quickly that self is an important part of "us" if that makes sense, I have opened up a couple of times when she has noticed "extreme" reactions (shaking, tears, timid) to what truly are little things but unfortunately the scars are real and the conditioning to the narc and their demands is a hurdle still being climbed. so thank you for your time and helping me understand the process and the little things that will help make it easier along the journey.

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