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littlebear

I made a huge mistake trapped again

15 posts in this topic

Me and him split up in March again after he walked out again.

This time I was glad he left I ignored him I started going out and having a life hat lasted a month. I went on a date with someone I knew it was the best wkend I have ever had in my life he treated me so nice it made me question the last three years I had put up with.

But my ex he wasn't going to let me go so easily I told him i had gone on a date with someone it didn't deter him he started turning up at my house making big declarations of love for me saying he couldn't live without me etc it was all the things I always wanted to hear as he was always so cold towards me.

He got back in took me on holiday treated me so good how I always wanted it lasted a month . I Could kick myself I had been so strong but he cried and begged and I let him back.

I thought I could change things but it's worse for me now I have to take photos of my where abouts when I'm not with him if he rings and I don't answer he accuses me of cheating he checks my call log and I'm not really allowed to use my phone infront of him.

He's got in with my mom and dad and they now love him when they used to hate him we went out and he was all nice infront of them and then got me outside and was shouting at me saying I was showing him up I don't know what I did wrong I had to go back in the pub and pretend nothing had happened even tho he had been shouting donw my ear five minutes earlier .

He's a good actor I give him that but now I'm backed trapped he moved in so now I'm really trapped . He threatens to leave me because of my 'ways' on a regular basis he locked me out of my bedroom so I slept on the sofa I don't know what I did that night either , I thought he would change they don't change anyone reading this hand on heart they offer you the world mine proposed he's backtracked again on that and said let's wait he didn't want me because he loves me he lost his emotional punchbag .

We even watched a programme on abuse and he said how mental the man was in it can't he see he is that man I watched the whole thing in silence I felt like the woman in the programmed murdered by my boyfriend it's called. That's my life except he doesn't hit me looks like he comes close but he doesn't but the mental side he's the exact same.

I wish I hadn't gone back what would my life be now four months on any woman reading this don't go back to them .

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You're not alone...many women are convinced by their abusers to try again. But you got free once and you can do it again.

Since he's monitoring your phone, can you call a domestic violence center from where you work? Or get a pay as you go phone that he doesn't know about and use to call for help? The domestic violence center can help you devise a safety plan and help you figure out a way to get him out of your life again.

This time when you leave, make sure you severe all contact with him. If he can't call, text, email or see you, he has no way to worm himself back into your life again.

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I'm sorry littlebear. You did it once. You can do it again. You deserve a good life.

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What Perc said.

A lot of times, people go back..... and leave again. You can do it.

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I know I've done it three times before but last time was different he knocked me down so so low and for once I felt loved and wanted by my friends and family and was seeing and talking to everyone I had lost contact with I felt like me.

This time I feel like I can't make him leave again because everyone supported me last time and I've let them down I feel like I have to stick it out now .

Everything that goes wrong he blames me he even accuses me of stealing money off him and I have never stole anything in my life . He says money is missing from his wallet etc and stares at me and tells me to own up to something I didn't do.

He calls me stupid everyday I'm not stupid I'm well educated compared to him. I'm dead inside now it's how I feel I hate myself for letting him back .

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Your family and friends will forgive you. Do what you need to do. You can do it. You have to. It comes off the screen how much he's hurting you.

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I feel like I can't make him leave again because everyone supported me last time and I've let them down I feel like I have to stick it out now .

So... really look at this. I mean really look at this.

Basically you are saying you feel that you have to live your life in miserable, horrible control (I mean, having to take photos wherever you go? to "prove" things you can never prove, because he is basically just crazy?)....

...that you feel obligated to give up your entire life...

Why? Because they supported you and you feel like you've let them down. (So, that's just a feeling you have.)

Even if they are disappointed...... does that really sentence you to a miserable life?

Does that mean you are obligated to sacrifice your entire life... which is yours (not theirs) to live?

You are the only one who is living your life.

Does it really mean that you have no choice but to forfeit any chance of your own happiness?

Does it really mean you are sentenced to a life of imprisonment and misery?

Think about it..... to yourself.....

So you might feel ashamed that you didn't get him out for good this time. But there's a statistic bandied about here, that it sometimes takes an average of seven times for a victim to leave an abusive relationship. So you're not alone.

There is no reason that just because you let him back in, you can't kick him back out again. You're an adult. Your life is yours.

If others are disappointed? Too bad - it's not their life. It's yours.

They might not be, though.... You really can't know what they will feel in the future.

But you cannot - cannot - destroy your own life because of what you think they might think.

You have not made an irreversible choice. You can change your mind. You have the right!

Making the blooper (which plenty of others make, too) does not sentence you to a mandatory lifetime of misery.

You changed your mind? Good! Get him out!

Too bad if others can't deal. You cannot life your life based on them. You are your own person.

And you've learned something from this.

So go ahead and get him gone again. Get him to walk out again. Kick him out. Whatever works. You can do it. There's no real reason you can't...

A fear of what others may think is not worse than a relationship that's like an evil, terrorizing prison.

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I left twice and came back cause he cried and begged and swore he wouldn't do it again. That lasted maybe three months then back at it. I am still stuck here but planning my escape. There comes a point when they have no sway over you. The tears don't matter, the begging don't matter, nothing they say or do matters. When that day comes you will know and you will be free of him. I have no love or sympathy left for this man because he brought everything on himself. My friend said something that still sticks with me she said I will get to a point that I would be willing to walk away and leave everything I own behind possessions, pets everything to get away from him. I came close but then I thought I wasted 36 years on a man not worth the life he takes from me so I am taking everything that belongs to me. I gave him my love and life and he stomped it so I am not leaving with nothing like he says I will. I hope you find your way out before you get to this point it is not fun and it gets harder the longer your in it.

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Thank you everyone . My mom is moving to the coast in six months I might ask them to lend me the money for a deposit to rent a house and go with them I've saved some money I've got 500 so far but need four times that amount to leave and start again till I get sorted.

I haven't said anything yet their looking at a house to buy but are waiting for some money off my grandads estate I'm thinking of leaving with them and going without a word.

I feel guilty even thinking of these things without him knowing it's like I'm betraying him.

They really don't change though I know that now he even asks to lend money off me and he's on really good money with work he pays me money each week but I have to keep asking for it he never just gives it to me and when I ask he says stop going on you will get it when I decide and the more you ask the less chance you have of getting it , he plays this game every week and I always get two/three days late but I have to stand there with a begging bowl first.

We've got some savings together not much but money we both earn off side jobs we do outside work and he suggested the other day that we take it out and put it at his sisters for safe keeping I kicked up a huge fuss about it and said no I've earned that money too it's not leaving my sight and that we should split it then but he wouldn't have it and when I suggested it we keep it at my moms then he said I'm not to be trusted with money.

I'm like a child to him. He refused to talk to me all day yday because I took my brother to the train station and told me I'm not a taxi service so why am I giving people lifts I just walked out and took him anyway and he gave me the silent treatment all day when I got home.

Can't believe one person can act like this ??

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Can you put your money into a bank account in your name only?

(It makes no sense to take money out of a bank? (sorry, I didn't catch out of where he wanted to take it?) and put it at a relative's house.)

Good for you for refusing that craziness. If the money is at his sister's, it's under his control. One more method of financial abuse. (Like borrowing money and then playing "keep-away" when you want it paid back.)

Are you married?

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No it's cash jobs don't want to say what we do in here incase was recognized .

So the money is all in cash but half of it is mine as work alongside our normal jobs for extra income and no we aren't married

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He meant take it out of the safe in the house that we have its not a huge amount but enough for me to rent a flat if I wanted I've got some of my own savings which he doesn't know about because the joint money I'm not allowed to touch at all but he can dip into it whenever he wants

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You can open a bank account in your name and deposit your money there. That way he can't access it, but you can.

You should definitely have your own separate finances.

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Take the money and go.

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That too.

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