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Quaddie

Unwanted Gifts

45 posts in this topic

Well actually they do all make more than me. They are all "above" me. (This is a lower position than I've held in a long time, like decades, but some of them don't realize that and others are probably just ignoring it, or they have so much cognitive dissonance between appearances and what I "think" I am, that they reconcile it in their heads with the lowest of the low, and then treat me as if that's all I ever have been and all I can possibly be and that I'm ridiculous and stupid. I can't explain fully. It's not like I'm being entitled, it's hard to explain and I don't have time...)

I'm low man on the totem pole and they're increasingly treating me as if they think I'm downright stupid. Almost every day there's some new thing they do that is a huge put-down in what it reveals they think about me. And so almost every day it's very upsetting.

Some of them are "old guard" (meaning, there were a group of us in the department before the new boss and she made a really weird dynamic by bringing in some people she used to work with, who are clearly and egregiously favored to a ridiculous degree). After the new boss came in and I had been trying to function in a vacant higher position (which I'm qualified for, was told to do by the head leader, was told to try for by the outgoing person) - she basically insulted and cut me down, acting like it was ridiculous that I even thought myself as worthy for it. When I thought about it wayyyy later, I realized the things said to me were downright offensive and even personally insulting (well and, I still don't think that just because someone is your boss means they have the right to say certain things or judge you in certain ways - the kinds of things said to me, in a non-work environment, I would have had the perfect right to feel upset and offended and act accordingly. But in these situations, for some reason, one is not allowed to feel anything personally because it's supposed to be "just business" and "constructive feedback" or whatever. That's not true though. It's just plain inaccurate, insulting, offensive judgment.

(Oh then the other person she brought in to replace the vacant position I'd been trying - told to do before she arrived - and told was qualified - to fill along with my "normal" job - that person left, so then I've been being just relied upon to fill in the gap without a single positive word about my doing so, the entire time. Not one single positive word about it. I think that's probably a cognitive dissonance thing on her part. I don't care. It's still a slap in the face. Being told it was almost laughable that I thought I was good enough to do it, but then being expected to do it anyway - and picking up the slack on things that nobody else does because there's no one else who can - and all without a single positive note - but only negatives and ridicule and put-downs either overt or covert.)

Anyway... so since then, she constructively, in a way, demoted me from what I'd been prior (just in what I do and who I do it for)... and since then even the "old guard" - whom we had been very tight and a "we'll do this together on our own" and a good group - they have been growing less and less respectful of me, and more and more like everything I say or do is immediately (and wrongly) assumed to be stupid or wrong or ridiculous or ridicule-worthy. Like I said, there was even a barrage of this behavior leading up to the difficult one shouting at me about being rude... they think it's all fun and games, so I'd be the one "wrong" to even mention it. But the difficult one shouting at me about being rude is a threat to me, because she has taken other actions against me in the past (wrongly!!! but it doesn't matter - I'm nobody so they are always going to be "right" and I will be "wrong"). It's not "funny" (even if she meant it that way - which I doubt she did!) - it's a threat when someone who has impacted your job and career says or shouts (untrue) criticisms and derogatory judgments at and about you. And I.do.not.deserve.that.at.all. But it doesn't matter what I deserve, it only matters what they want.

So anyway, the "old guard" used to respect me but since that happened they have been gradually treating me lower and lower, more and more disrespectfully. (And this is not just my "perspective," it's an honest-to-god fact. They're flat-out rude to me sometimes, but not in ways I can really say anything about because it makes me look "too ____" or whatever, and then just makes me "more worthy" of being crapped on. That's how this just works. But I can't deal.

And it's the same, everywhere I go. And it's not going to get better because I'm basically giving up on my career (I don't want to do it anymore) and that was the last vestige I could get to be seen with any respect whatsoever, because of my abilities. But I don't want that career anymore but there's nothing else I can do (and all the standard "advice" isn't applicable, and yes I'm trying to find a different solution.. because none of this - anything that goes with the territory of these situations - is tolerable to me, anymore, anywhere I go.)

It's really nonsensical, the stuff that goes on, all based on appearances and judgments and others' issues....... but I'm the one who suffers the fallout, and I have zero recourse. In this life I've tried everything. The only answer is not-this, and I'm still trying to figure out that magical solution along with the other billion things I'm trying to do.

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So... the difficult one is traveling again. So when she comes back, is sometimes when she gives me stuff. 

So I was talking to my bf the other day, and I said something like, "If she gives me something this time, I'm going to (graciously) refuse. Because it really eats me up, upsets me and makes me sick to accept these things. Even though I need the money, it's not worth it. It makes me feel like a prostitute, I don't feel it's appropriate, and it makes me feel sick inside. Then it's like when she craps on me she figures it's okay because she gave me this stuff, like I'm being bought. I've never been in a position where this kind of thing has been done. I'm not in a tip position. It feels wrong and it makes me sick."

His perspective was that if I refuse, though, it would cause more problems and it would be taken negatively against me.

I was like, "Well, it's not doing anything wrong to refuse. What are they going to do, criticize me for not taking things that I don't think they're supposed to be giving me in the first place? I would be nice about it. But if called on the carpet for it, then I'd lay it out straight."

The thing that I can't seem to concisely put into words is how much of a put-down this feels like - and why.  He doesn't understand, and I don't think I could explain to anyone exactly why it feels like such a put-down. All I have is analogies. It's like a man throwing money at his girlfriend for having sex with him. She'd have sex with him anyway, so him throwing money at her is degrading and puts her in a prostitute position. But I can't always use that analogy and it doesn't make sense to everyone. 

It makes me feel like a servant - like the "ability to tip" puts one into a position of "superiority" and therefore personally giving someone money (for just doing their job!) is like a show of superiority and a put-down. It doesn't feel like "appreciation" to me!!! It feels insulting. It's a put-down. At best, a hoover. Because this gal has done some evil crap to me. But I can't concisely verbalize exactly why this is a put-down.

Also it puts me into a "lesser" position than I really am, although they would argue with me about my role. They see my role as something very different from what I have ever been. They changed my role radically as well. But in so doing they also demean me all the time. And one (big) aspect of my role, they do not understand isn't "just" the little thing they think it is - because they have no experience in my field or working in departments in my field or what that title actually means in those departments in my field. So they see me (my role) as something very much less-than than I really am. (And of course I'm wrong to think myself otherwise, in their eyes. And ridiculous. And just wrong. And stupid and wrong.)

Meantime I'm doing all sorts of things that aren't recognized (or they refuse to see) as value-full as they really are, because - to be honest - they're just ignorant of my field and the level of my expertise. (And in the case of newish leader, she actively refused to see/acknowledge it! By totally discounting and negating my considerable experience and expertise...with a wave of the hand and an insult. Whereas previous leaders in this position had totally acknowledged and respected and valued me for it.)

And they're so focused on having me in that little box of less-than, that's all they can see. This little tiny ridiculous fool-figure of less-than, who is wrong to have a voice and is condemned if she doesn't bother to beat her head against the brick wall after being condemned for doing so.

Anyway.

Next time, I want to refuse. But bf thinks it would make me look bad and stir up more problems. To which I understand that personally the difficult one might think it's "rude" (she already thinks everything I say/do is rude anyway, so wtf)..... BUT they would not have a legit reason to hate me for it. Except of course I fully realize that seeing through and refusing the hoover is a bad psychological-game move and I do understand the negative repercussions of doing that (as I've experienced it - oh how I've experienced it). But no matter what I do, I'm always f'd anyway.

 

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It's a job if the cards bugged you so much you have a responsibility to not take them. Trust me I have no problems taking gifts and saying thank you. It's a gift and if I worry about your intent I do not take gifts. There are some people you do not take gifts from it is rare but there are these people in life. Keep us posted and let hope she does not buy something with big bows on them. If it is a car I would take it. Seriously get some rewards from the chaos. 

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These are cash or gift cards (money). Not gifts like presents ...

Hard to explain. It feels completely inappropriate. I've never been in a position where this has been done like this. I find it degrading and insulting. And it's from someone who is a jerk to me. 

I wonder why it is so difficult to explain in a way that everyone can understand. Or maybe I am just stupid and wrong and crazy...

It's not "just a gift." This is a series of behaviors that I feel are utterly inappropriate. I'm not in a tipped position. Nobody in my long, long, long career has ever done this. It's like I'm a dog being thrown a bone. It's not a gift. 

 

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A man goes out snd cheats on his wife.  He is so riddled with guilt that he brings her flowers "just out of the blue." Wife is happy.  She has no idea he just betrayed her. That is what is happening. They are trashing you behind your back and trying to ease their guilt. 

My ex keeps sending me unwanted gifts via his flying monkey (we are divorced and no contact) yet he wont give me my belongings that are named in the divorce decree. If you REALLY want to prove your "love" for me, give me my stuff back. He's just trying to impress "monkey." Your coworkers are maybe trying to one-up each other TO themselves. 

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I would feel icky about it too; it's not normal. I've never heard of someone giving out gift cards for no apparent reason in a work place.

There are gifts on holidays that are appropriate. Or maybe a birthday gift. Other than that, however, it's not normal. If she is in a position where she could offer you a raise, or a promotion, bonus, etc., that's different. That's an official recognition for your hard work and talent.

Gift cards after traveling though . . . it leaves me scratching my head.

I personally don't think there is anything wrong with saying no to her next gift offering to you. It's setting a boundary. It's stating that you are uncomfortable with what she is offering (I think most would be). It's also telling her the gift cards aren't an appropriate excuse for her treatment of you, or that she can hoover you with them. Will it upset her? Maybe, because she seems to have abusive tendencies, and abusers don't like interference. But then, it's not okay to "buy" someone's work, expertise, or good standing the way she has.

As to whether or not the repercussions of saying no to her gift would make things worse, hmm. Would it mess with your job at all? Like could she put up a stink about it and put your job at risk? If not, then at most she'll be a little bit snotty and huffy for awhile, but then the gift cards would finally stop and you would have set a valuable boundary with her. I'd imagine she'd at most be a little upset that her master plan didn't work out swimmingly, but that she'd eventually back off.

It sounds like a tricky situation, for sure. 

It's not okay, what she is doing. It's demeaning and off. :(

 

 

 

 

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She has already done b.s. moves that put my job at risk, she is the the favorite of our boss, she makes things up about what I am"thinking" - puts derogatory words in my mouth that I didn't say, then when I say I didn't say that, she gets pissy, acts like I'm a freak and says she was"just joking. " ( I know, I know)....

She can't be pleased anyway. 

She views me as basically her secretary, which is why she does this and she thinks she is showing her "appreciation" when really I find it degrading.  I have never been a secretary. I do stuff for her as part of everything I do.  She,is extremely high strung and volatile, abd nothing I do is right, anyway. 

I don't need pet treats to do my job here's a good doggy yes you are, here's a treat yes yes good doggy!

My work and my experience is several levels above what they seem willing to see.  Even when it's been right in front of them....literally. They keep putting me "i'v my place" because it makes more comfortable.

Unfortunately this is a,recurring scenario in every job.  I don't "look" like....whatever.  i took a lower job because after the severe trauma/terrorizing of my last job and the recurring abisr issues in every.single.workplace - i just can't even, my "career" in general I don't care about anymore , the other things I want to accomplish in life are of paramount importance ......so basically because I took a step down fitting even more the stereotype people assume from my (unchangeable) appearance anyway. But they take it much "lower" than I really am.  But I still don't want to be treated like I am even lower, or stupider than I am, or that I am naive, not-life-experienced, like I'm a child.... they are VERY condescending, and i am just not seen as a real, legit person. It's really hard to explain. 

But even when I ask a question or offer input on things, it's viewed like a child talking about things they know nothing about  ...and more often then not, the answer to my question is reclassified into an explanation of something much more basic than I was asking or talking about.  (Which is becoming a huge problem, in itself.)

So she does this, i'm sure, thinking she is showing her appreciation AND as a Hoover/buying my ...whatever.  

So it might stir up problems so it is between a rock and a hard place of whatever....

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...but I just want some dignity.  To not be the object of ridicule and put-downs, to not be presumed this little nothing know-nothing, nothing, criticized and stereotyped and not a good word or acknowledgement for the actual "big" things i step up to fulfill.

Feh.

Dignity is all I'm trying to reclaim.

 

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Got another little card stuffed with 20s yesterday. (After their quarterly bonuses if they make their goal - but it's only the one manager that does this.) 

There was probably another in-between this and when I posted. I used that toward something I needed. 

But it still feels like crap. I feel like a whore. I feel horrible. I don't even want to touch it. It feels disrespectful. I've never held the kind of role where this would be considered "appropriate." It's a put-down that that's how they see me. I'm not as lowly as they seem to see me. They can't get it out of their heads. The stereotyping is so overwhelming.

I still want to give it back. And to say something honest and ungraceful, like, "This makes me feel like a whore. It makes me feel disrespected. I'd rather be treated with respect and not put-down or made assumptions about or treated condescendingly as if I'm not a full-fledged person. Accepting this makes me feel complicit, like tacit acceptance...like bribery. None of you has treated me like the person I am or deserve to be treated as. This turns my stomach. I don't want your envelope of whore money. I'm not your whore." 

That's what I want to say. Well, there are more words that come to mind every moment. Words I can never say - to anyone - ever. Ever. Ever ever ever. Never. Just take it, and take it, and take it, because if I don't take it, my survival and my psyche are devastated by the words and actions they take against me which they then would feel justified.

I just can't deal with anything anymore.

It's not "just" this. It's too much to explain.

Whore money. She thinks it's a nice thing and it doesn't feel like anything except a put-down, put-down put-down. Because it's not just this. It's .... just so much mental/psychological disrespect, as if I'm a monkey or a servant and never was or could be or would be anything else and I should know my place. Infantilized. Humiliated. Disrespected and treated as so much less-than. It's disgusting, especially at my age and with so much experience (which was insulted by them as if I'm stupid and ridiculous to think I'm not as worthless as they think I am). It's just difficult to stomach anymore.

 

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"This makes me feel like a whore. It makes me feel disrespected. I'd rather be treated with respect and not put-down or made assumptions about or treated condescendingly as if I'm not a full-fledged person. Accepting this makes me feel complicit, like tacit acceptance...like bribery. None of you has treated me like the person I am or deserve to be treated as. This turns my stomach. I don't want your envelope of whore money. I'm not your whore." 

Yes. 

I'm glad you wrote this out. There is so much value to your feelings, your truth. What you feel matters. 

The difference between a person who gives because they are genuine, loving, without any sort of underlying motive other than pure and simple generosity . . . and a person who does the exact opposite, is palpable. 

My guess is that her treatment of you has probably built up over a thousand different subtle and not-so-subtle behaviors on her part, like tiny accumulated drops of torture.  

I hear everything you are saying about this "gift" she's given to you. Money that's given as a "quick fix" to glaze over issues, silence, or demean another human being is violating boundaries. It's not okay. 

My mother sends me a wad of cash for my birthday every year. We have virtually no relationship other than the occasional small talk over holidays. So, when she sends me money, it feels like a cop-out for a real, genuine relationship. Or something she gets to check off of her do-diligence list. It's incredibly demeaning to me to receive these letters, and I find I don't want to spend the money at all because I don't want it period.

(((Quaddie)))

 

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Thank you ((WB))

She does do a lot of condescending and - hard to explain, maybe authoritarian? things that let me know she feels I am basically of "servant class" (I discussed this with the only other similarly situated person in my department, who has her own tough situation with *her* managers - and we both feel we've never been expected to be so "servile" in any other situation. Well, I might have before - I've been in the workforce 40 years - but not in this particular type of position.)

It's so hard to explain. It's like if I offer anything that lets them think that *I* think I'm anything, I get put-down with some sort of condescension or insult or worse. BUT - if I just "yes ma'am no ma'am" then that's not okay either, of course because then I'm not showing any initiative or enthusiasm or what-the-fvck-ever. 

SO. Thing is, so they are all sales people who are incented on quarterly/annual goals and if they make their goals they get a bonus. So I think this is this particular manager's way of trying to show me I'm "part of the team" and earned a bonus, too. Because I'm her servant and all.

(And I'm others' too, but they don't do this with their $$.  But oh, this is only HALF my job, and the OTHER half I'm supposed to be knowledgeable and I'm in fact the ONLY one in the building with my skills and knowledge, but I'm not allowed to think I have them, even though they expect me to use them every.single.day and cover for the director's lapses and inability and lack of skill even though she told me at the get-go (pretty literally) that I'm not good enough, but I'm still expected to do all the crap I'm not "good enough" to do because there's no one else to do it - and also while they take every opportunity to put me down about all *that*, too. It's insane.)

Anyway....back to the bonus thing. So she thinks she's "including" me and doing a "good thing." BUT IN REALITY. Half my job has nothing to do with them. AND this is personal out of her pocket so it feels disgusting to me, like payola. (I do know, in my last place of business, a person in a similar role told us how she did this with her "servant" but always was giving her money and gifts because she was hard on her "servant" <-- <my word, I just don't want to use the real title>...so I know this is sometimes done.

But this is not how *I* see myself. I'm not that. I've NEVER been in that particular role. AND I don't WANT it. It's like if you're a guy and you have a girlfriend who has sex with you because she's your girlfriend, then you pay her for it. Put a couple hundred on the nightstand after. I don't know how else to describe it. This is just my JOB. I don't work for tips. I don't want her money. It doesn't make me feel engaged or special. It makes me feel put-down, like she's saying, "Oh I have more money than you so I'm giving you some of mine.because poor you, you don't get to get more money like I do." It feels like the rich being "generous" to a servant. It feels servile and prostitute-like. 

(And it also lets me know that this is how she sees me. As servile who she should throw some bucks at, "good dog, good doggie, there there, here's a treat." )

It's not like I'm a PROFESSIONAL with decades of actual PROFESSIONAL experience. It's disrespectful. But she...thinks it's respectful and a good deed. But it turns my stomach.

All I said when I opened it was, "This is totally unnecessary...  <paused>. but thank you."  

That's pretty much all I ever say. I really hate it. I just hate the symbolism. And what it tells me of how others view me. And how it takes away from the fact that I'm a PROFESSIONAL with a great deal of knowledge and experience........that no one can even acknowledge, that they put me down me for thinking I have, for even thinking I'm anything but a servant. Who should not think, except on-demand, and then it's still like walking on eggshells. They are frequently almost literally "putting me in my place." It's so effing insane. While at the same time, if I do things in my profession or anything requiring higher-level thought it gets ZERO acknowledgment (I did bring this up with director who had some crazy things to say about it)... 

 

Of course then people always say, "then get another job." But there are dozens of really legitimate, valid challenges and issues with that "typical solution" which make it not necessarily apply to me. I just can't really get into it, but it's real. And its going to be the same anywhere else, anyway. It always ends up the same. The older I get the worse it is, I have increasing challenges and "another job" isn't the answer, I just can't find the answer.

 

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Quaddie

You have had enough of being put down and diminished by others. You have such brilliant advice for people on here. Giving advice is wonderful.  Taking risks in your own life is hard.  Being ok with an argument or conflict or being hurt is what one needs in order to have defined personal boundaries.

If her giving you money is unacceptable then give it back. You don't even need to discuss it with her.

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because I am in such a perceived-servile position, she would consider that a slap in the face. She has already arranged for me to get in trouble for things I didn't really do "wrong." That creates immense trauma in me (especially from having been terrorized with such in a prior position, which situation I cannot fully describe but it was horrific and extremely traumatizing in a way I have never recovered from and has ruined any ability for me to really navigate or CARE to navigate workplaces anymore anyway). She takes the slightest word "wrong" and then turns around onto me. She plays like we're getting along great but then I have to know my place or else. 

She is friends with the director and I evidently now have 12 million lower "bosses" even though I wasn't demoted and used to report directly to the director...  idk, this is the weirdest situation I've ever been in. It's not right, but I was told I'm wrong (even though I have more experience than any of them, AND I know a LOT about employment and law and workplace norms and alllllll that. But, I'm not allowed to know anything. I'm automatically wrong. So I can't say anything. Because it all gets turned around against me.)

I'm literally at the bottom and powerless. If I offend her, my life there will be even more miserable. It's a catch-22.  

It's hard to explain. 

I'm too old for all this kind of cr&p.  But I don't have any other options and none of this is workable for me. Not working anywhere.  For a ton of reasons. Working is really taking my life from me in so many (atypical) ways that I can't. But I have to.

 

 

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In a nutshell, this is a toxic work environment. I feel that making a stand in this environment will backfire immensely and you basically are stating that yourself. As much as it IS wrong, accept the gift to keep the peace, as wrong and demeaning as it is. If it makes you feel better, give it to charity to get rid of the yick feeling. That's what I do when my ex sends flowers to my work. I'm 1+ years of no contact so receiving flowers with no name or florist name is CREEPY! So I give them to people in the hospital or nursing home and the bad feeling goes away. Then I think of the flowers and my visit with a friend with a good feeling. 

One thing I have learned is it is easier to market yourself and get a new job while you are currently employed. Don't be a defeatist. Try. Try applying ANYWHERE! I have had my share of toxic jobs too. I had one employer who I figured out was giving me a bad reference so I had to [shhhh] leave them off my resume. But they were phycho toxic people who treated me exactly they way you are being treated! It was easier to defend the gap in employment than their toxic smear campaign. I even got on at a temp agency. Once they realized my skills and dependability (took a while), they sent me to all the best employers in the region and it lead to a full time job and what I do now. 

The best thing you can do is leave. 

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It doesn't get rid of the bad feeling no matter what I would do with it. It's the fact she does this (and there are other things they do) and nothing will get rid of that. Plus, I really can use it for something to make my physical life better. 

I know about job-hunting. I just cannot possibly explain all the very serious and legitimate reasons why a new job is not the answer. It's not that I'm a "defeatist." My life and experience has been long and legitimate. My situation is valid, my challenges are valid. I know I "should" and I'm keeping my eye out for something that might be suitable but there really isn't anything (and that is due to a lot of - again - very legitimate factors) - AND it's not the answer in the long-term anyway because  this kind of thing in one form or another happens to me in every.single.workplace. all. my. life.  and it is getting worse the older I get. and I'm not capable of handling workplace b.s. anymore. and I was so terrorized (not just in my last position - which was completely and utterly horrific on a number of levels, which I cannot even begin to explain or get into) - and this is cumulative as well, not just from that but from every.single.time........  and I cannot even begin to convince someone else to hire me because the only jobs I could possibly do are not going to get me any esteem either and are going to land me in exactly the same situation for less money and without the same benefits and I can't care anymore about anybody else's b.s.    I have genuine legitimate real valid physical challenges which prevent me from doing most types of work, I have genuine legitimate real valid other challenges which impact every other aspect of everything....... and this is not my life, I can't get into something where it might demand even more of me and still even hope to do what I need  to do on the off-time with the little resources I have left.    This is not "defeatism" - it's not "negativity" - it's not "self-esteem" issues -  it's reality and acknowledgment of everything I know about myself and my limits and my life goals (unless I just decide I'm too effin' old to bother with pursuing my soul anymore and wtf, then none of it matters at all). 

Trust me, I'm the first person to be encouraging and woo-hoo you can do it, but this is NOT what's going on my my own particular life situation. I'm extraordinarily familiar with all the ins and outs and dynamics of toxic environments and I'm doing what I can to change my life on my off-time,  but nothing is going to be magically different in a situation that has never been magically different for like 40 years, even if I wanted it to be. It's simply a horrible life fit for me, even in the best of circumstances (which never last more than a blip -as some might recall, this one started well then rapidly changed).  My "I can'ts" are legitimate and real and valid. They are the product of self-knowledge and life-knowledge and the reality that none of this is the right thing for me in any way, shape or form. The answer is not in another job. The answer is in my finding another way, which of course I am well aware I am failing at - have been forever - but still that is the only answer. The answer does not lie in burying myself more in something else for someone else that's going to suck any other needed lifeforce away from me and not meet my basic needs as well.

 

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I'm sorry. I didn't realize your physical and other challenges. I guess that's the reason they are treating you like that. Maybe they "feel sorry for you" and think they are helping you. And I know that's not a prideful place to be. Hang in there. Vent all you want.

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I've been thinking . . . it's kind of like she's put you into a double bind, of sorts. Maybe even a triple.

On the one hand, you need to keep this job for all of the reasons you previously stated. So, Choice A, going to management to file a complaint against this person (and if I remember right, she is in management, right? Or maybe is buddy-buddy with someone in management? [I'm sorry if I'm not remembering correctly]) would be a threat to your job in ways, or at least make things more uncomfortable and intolerable within the work environment. Choice A then becomes impossible because of the risk of changing the work environment, which is already not okay as it is. 

Then there's Choice B, which is to not accept her "gift" that is a crying shame to gifts. Tell her she's being totally inconsiderate and demeaning. Like Choice A, this might create some tension that could make the work environment unbearable. Yes, you'd be able to tell her how you feel, get the truth out, and for a moment that might feel awesome, until the fallout. She doesn't seem like the kind of person who would be able to take a rejection easily. I'm sensing she fully expects you to love this offering she has handed to you, as if it were the be-all and end-all of all gifts. Choice B, then, becomes a huge risk too because then you'd have her punctured dignity to work around. It would be entirely different if she were a distant friend you didn't see very often, but she's right there in your work environment. That's a lot of intense energy to deal with in a workplace day-to-day. I wouldn't want to deal with it. :(

Then let's say, Choice C, accept the "gift". But accepting is also hurtful, demeaning because her "gift" is a total cop-out for real, genuine appreciation for your work experience and skills. It's a write-off and, IMHO, an underhanded attack on you and your value. It's kind of a forced silence sort of situation where you take it to prevent conflict, but then you have to absorb the ick of it inside of yourself. And that's not fair at all.

I don't know if any of that made sense (it's late and I've been studying all day, so my brain is mush), but I see the very real bind you are placed in because of this. I wish I could offer you a way to say what you want to say to this person that wouldn't create any fallout for you.

Keep writing it out, if it helps. :)

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Yes, those are all things....plus more, lol.

 

Blue, short story is I get treated the way I do because of pigeonholing and stereotyping based on my appearance.... I'm a target for bullying and other things which I'm generally unable to do anything about because - also due to stereotypes and assumptions - I've never been able to rise to any level and therefore have no credibility (am always"presumed wrong")..... These are not "protected class" stereotypes so there is no recourse legally or in policy. And any action I try to take always backfires.

 

Because of challenges, I can't really do the work of my field anymore, which is  the way I'd be able to get work. Plus, the field has changed so much and become the opposite of what it used to be, I no longer care about it. And one would need to constantly keep up with the changes, which I'm not fully involved in and don't care for anyway. 

This role served its purpose as best as possible for a blip before new mgmt came in and became the norm. Also, there are other significant issues with the workplace that I can't get into but which eat at my soul. But as far as the combination of meeting my physical and financial needs for survival, it does that, and that's a very rare combination. 

I am sick of killing myself just to work for others who just crap on me.  I don't want to do it at all. I'm beyond done with navigating these scenarios. This also prevents me from doing what I need to do with my life, no matter even if it were the rosiest environment, it still would be unsuitable for who I am and what I need to accomplish in life, even if only for the fact that it removes my ability to pursue it. 

And I seriously don't think I could bring myself to interview well anymore, not because of lack of self esteem but because of too much....too much everything and not enough caring.

 

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