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Ihurt11

Seeking support/help

16 posts in this topic

I ended things with my abuser a little over 2 weeks ago. The day after I ended things, I came home to find him unresponsive on the floor, called the paramedics. He refused going to the ER saying he cant afford it. He fell layer that night and was vomiting so i put him to bed, next morning, same thing so I took him to the doctor. Diagnosis was "vertigo" but MD said it wasn't "normal" symptoms. His son was at the house that weekend so we were on cordial terms for the sake of his son. He still has not made any move to move out of my house or even move to sleeping in the spare room. A week later, he starts trying to plan a trip for us in the fall, I told him I was not interested and wanted the relationship to end. After another 2 hours of him begging me and telling me he would change and saying how he was going to propose, he finally "got it" and moved to the spare room. Things were cordial and we spent time working around the house together.apparently, he thought this meant we were back together and moved back into my bedroom. I ended things a THIRD time. Now, he keeps talking about how he s going to counselig and the counselor told him that a lot of his problems are caused by his use of testosterone (he has been emotionally and sexually abusive and just starting to turn physical), so he s promising me he will change and that has changed. Then goes to pick up something from his friend last night and comes home with an engagement ring, saying he wanted me to see it before he returned it. I have been staying so strong but he is wearing me down. Are these manipulation tactics? Could he actually change? I am so confused and hurting so bad! Any advice is greatly appreciated!

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Hi Honey!! Oh my gosh I;m sorry sorry - it must be so incredibly painful for you right now!! <3!! STAY strong though, I left my abuser and recently got with a non abusive man and the difference is like NIGHT and DAY - you are so much calmer and happier and have a safe space to be YOU, which you don't have with an abuser - you are just constantly afraid and upset and in pain! You deserve to feel safe and happy and to be taken care of and treated like a human being: he is not capeable of those things.

If he was really capeable, wouldn't he give you time to see that, rather than desperately grab a ring to propose: he is doing that because he is desperate, he knows he is not capable (and frankly could not care, because they CANNOT see past themselves) so he's going to grab a ring and propose, because then he has you trapped. He's doing EVERYTHING to get you back and it's quite scary and a massive sign of emotional unhealth that he can go from zero to 100 SO QUICKY - it shows how disgenunie it is.

My ex, contacted me four months after our break up to say how he had changed and blah blah blah, and I thought "what 5 years of abuse and then in four months you're a new man? Hell no". Same with your guy.

These guys are dangerous, harmful and cannot and will not (REFUSE to) change.

Do you have anywhere you can go? You should try to go no contact as soon as you can!! For your own good, wellbeing and safety! Don't fall for this turnips!! You will just keep seeing the cycle I promise you. So he can be violent to you and sexually abuse you (the most sick and harrowing thing a human being can do to another human being) and things are going to get better? No. You're not even married yet, and that's when things always get worse. Things will get worse, you need to focus on the CYCLE, he is hoovering you and the honeymoon will be over as soon as you know it and the abuse will be back.

P.S. People don't rape and physically abuse people because they are taking too much testosterone - they do it because they are sick in the head!! That counselor is a clueless fucktard and their naivety is damaging and stupid. Try to see this from an external perspective: if someone started physically abusing and sexually abusing a stranger - what would you think of them psychologically and how likely would they be to change?

I'm frightened for you and don't think you are safe in your house, please get out.

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Thank you Vanilli! I figured it's all manipulation and when he came home with the ring, I almost accused him of going out and buying it that night (he said it was at a friends house). It is all just breaking my heart right now. It's so hard to hear him beg and cry and frustrating to hear him try to blame other people or stress for all of this.

I am going to try to pack up me and my dogs and go to my dads house for a little while. I'm really hoping he leaves quitely this weekend though.

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Ihurt I totally agree with Vanilli - this is classic hoovering behaviour. Don't believe a word of it, because even if he truly wanted to change, he cannot do so 'just like that'. It takes years. And if he wanted to change he can start with taking you seriously when you say you want to break up. Really, you don't need more evidence he's not wanting to change - he's totally blind to your wishes and only keeps pushing for what he wants. Stay strong. Emotionally free yourself from him. Get out of there as soon as you can and go no contact. If he's moving to physical harm he won't stop, and you are not safe. We at the forum understand. We listen and don't judge but we do feel concerned and will advise people to leave, certainly if their safety is at risk.

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Hooooover! Hoovers upon hoovers upon hoovers.

It's all manipulation.

Don't let him wear you down. You are absolutely 100% right to break up with this guy. You'd regret going back to him.

Is there a way you can evict him or force him out somehow? Can you maybe tell him, "If you are not moved out by (next Friday, for example), I am going to put all your things in storage. Then when/if he doesn't move out, MOVE him out and change the locks.

Be careful and stay safe... this guy is unbelievable.

it doesn't matter what his problems are "caused by." (Which, by the way, anything an abuser says that a counselor said should be taken with a boatload of salt.) The point is you are done and you want him gone and now he has to leave, and he's refusing to (which by the way is the ultimate disrespect).

And no, he won't change.

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Ihurt11, I'm very sorry. It's manipulation. Do you rent or own? Can you leave? Can you arrange something with the landlord? That might be the easiest way. He doesn't sound like he's going to leave willingly.

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Perhaps this will help.

Ask yourself this: Am I grieving what actually was - or just what I kept HOPING it would be, but never really was?

Vanilli,

Thank you SO much for sharing that a truly healthy relationship IS possible. You know how much you end up doubting yourself and the possibility that there is any other normal. I really need to hear over and over and over about truly healthy relationships.

I ended things with my abuser a little over 2 weeks ago. The day after I ended things, I came home to find him unresponsive on the floor, called the paramedics. He refused going to the ER saying he cant afford it. He fell layer that night and was vomiting so i put him to bed, next morning, same thing so I took him to the doctor. Diagnosis was "vertigo" but MD said it wasn't "normal" symptoms. His son was at the house that weekend so we were on cordial terms for the sake of his son. He still has not made any move to move out of my house or even move to sleeping in the spare room. A week later, he starts trying to plan a trip for us in the fall, I told him I was not interested and wanted the relationship to end. After another 2 hours of him begging me and telling me he would change and saying how he was going to propose, he finally "got it" and moved to the spare room. Things were cordial and we spent time working around the house together.apparently, he thought this meant we were back together and moved back into my bedroom. I ended things a THIRD time. Now, he keeps talking about how he s going to counselig and the counselor told him that a lot of his problems are caused by his use of testosterone (he has been emotionally and sexually abusive and just starting to turn physical), so he s promising me he will change and that has changed. Then goes to pick up something from his friend last night and comes home with an engagement ring, saying he wanted me to see it before he returned it. I have been staying so strong but he is wearing me down. Are these manipulation tactics? Could he actually change? I am so confused and hurting so bad! Any advice is greatly appreciated!

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As far as I can see it's all manipulation tactics.

The only way you can end things with him is if you get him out of the house. Otherwise to him it's not over.

I ended things with my abuser a little over 2 weeks ago. The day after I ended things, I came home to find him unresponsive on the floor, called the paramedics. He refused going to the ER saying he cant afford it. He fell layer that night and was vomiting so i put him to bed, next morning, same thing so I took him to the doctor. Diagnosis was "vertigo" but MD said it wasn't "normal" symptoms. His son was at the house that weekend so we were on cordial terms for the sake of his son. He still has not made any move to move out of my house or even move to sleeping in the spare room. A week later, he starts trying to plan a trip for us in the fall, I told him I was not interested and wanted the relationship to end. After another 2 hours of him begging me and telling me he would change and saying how he was going to propose, he finally "got it" and moved to the spare room. Things were cordial and we spent time working around the house together.apparently, he thought this meant we were back together and moved back into my bedroom. I ended things a THIRD time. Now, he keeps talking about how he s going to counselig and the counselor told him that a lot of his problems are caused by his use of testosterone (he has been emotionally and sexually abusive and just starting to turn physical), so he s promising me he will change and that has changed. Then goes to pick up something from his friend last night and comes home with an engagement ring, saying he wanted me to see it before he returned it. I have been staying so strong but he is wearing me down. Are these manipulation tactics? Could he actually change? I am so confused and hurting so bad! Any advice is greatly appreciated!

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I own the home and unfortunately in my state I have to legally evict him, which is 30 days or longer depending on if he wants to cooperate. If I could just change the locks I would :(. It's hard for me to leave because I have 2 large dogs and need to time it perfectly so someone can come and help me transport them and their crates.

Ihurt11, I'm very sorry. It's manipulation. Do you rent or own? Can you leave? Can you arrange something with the landlord? That might be the easiest way. He doesn't sound like he's going to leave willingly.

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Thanks everyone for the replies. He has been snooping through my texts, emails and facebook somehow and lying about it, then I've got him in a bunch of other lies so I keep trying to hang on to that to keep my sanity right now.

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Perhaps you've already researched this, but it seems to me there'd be separate laws (and stronger home owner rights) for situations like yours; where there is no actual lease (fair assumption?) because it wasn't a "business transaction" but a relationship that has ended?


I own the home and unfortunately in my state I have to legally evict him, which is 30 days or longer depending on if he wants to cooperate. If I could just change the locks I would :(. It's hard for me to leave because I have 2 large dogs and need to time it perfectly so someone can come and help me transport them and their crates.

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Start the eviction process. The sooner you start it, the sooner it will be done. Use every right you have to get him gone.

If all your things are password protected and he is still snooping, of course change your password but also consider that he might have spyware on your systems or something that allows him to grab your password.

Do not let him touch or share your phone or your computer, laptop, tablet, etc. Change your passwords.

Consider obtaining a new phone and wiping everything off the old system, and then changing your passwords again on the new.

Block him from your social media accounts; tighten your privacy settings.

Don't think you "have to" let him do these things. He has no right. Take whatever measures you need to in order to protect yourself.

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I have consulted 2 attorneys and the police and unfortunately an eviction needs to be done.

Perhaps you've already researched this, but it seems to me there'd be separate laws (and stronger home owner rights) for situations like yours; where there is no actual lease (fair assumption?) because it wasn't a "business transaction" but a relationship that has ended?

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Okay here's an idea...

What recourse does HE have if you​ don't abide by this eviction law? Would it be something that would take some time for him to fight and win? (I mean, people kick their significant others out alllllll the time without having to resort to legal action, and you've already kicked him out several times and he is just refusing to leave...)

So in other words, what consequence would there be to you, if you forced him out sooner than the formal eviction notice? Is there a process he would have to take, that would take some time for him to get recourse?

Because if the consequences to you would be little to nothing, and/or if it would take him a lengthy process to fight.... then I'd say, start the eviction process. In the meantime, though, tell him that he has to be moved out by ____ date (shorter - like 2 weeks) and if he doesn't, you will move him out.

At the end of that period, if he hasn't moved out, indeed do move all his stuff out, put it in storage, pay a month and give him the key.

And at the same time, change your locks.

If he would just get an eyeroll from the authorities or if he'd have to go to court or something to fight it, by that time the eviction period might be done or close to done, anyway, and it'd be moot.

Just an idea.

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Has he been physically violent if so have you told the police this? I was just wondering that if he has hit you why you would need to evict him. Your safety would be in peril if that were the case so why an eviction notice. I agree give him notice you want him out if he doesn't leave put his things out change the locks. It will not get better trust me. he is already doing this crap and your not even married. RUN!!!!! He will promise you anything to keep you tied to him if you marry him IT WILL GET WORSE!!! I have been living this for over 36 years if you marry him he has papers on you you belong to him if you have kids they become ways to keep you tied to him by threatening to take your kids if you leave. Leave and don't ever give in to him he is not going to get better only worse. keep us posted. Good Luck!

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Yours is the story of my engagement. 20+ years ago I was leaving him, leaving the state because I knew he was manipulative and he pulled out an engagement ring. My heart melted. I stayed. We married and had a kid. Now we are divorcing after many years of torture and I am kicking myself for falling for the engagement ring trick. I shoulda stuck with my plan and kept going.

If you think breaking up with him is hard now....try doing it 20+ years from now!!! 20 times harder!

You're doing good. Keep going. Don't marry him!!

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