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jadedex

My story/need advice

19 posts in this topic

I met my boyfriend about 18 months ago. When I met him I wasn't that keen but he was the most loving caring person. He'd been through a lot of bad stuff in his life and was still so positive and loving.

I noticed that he was very sensitive early on and the smallest thing set him off and upset him and he would cry.

Once we were play fighting and he got a bit rough and I fell off the bed and hurt myself and he showed no sympathy and told me it was my fault.

As the relationship progressed cracks started to emerge. He changed and I felt like he was manipulating me and playing games with my head. Theres so many examples that I dont even know where to start.

He started to become a bit physical.. pushed me around and threw things at me. Pushed me to the floor and out of bed.

I found out he was a gambling addict and although he worked he was receiving welfare that he wasnt entitled to and gambling it all.

I also found of from his best friend that alot of stuff he told me wasnt true. He told me he owned a house and that his family were all mean to him. That was untrue.

He was in a rehab facility for substance abuse and had only been out of there a few months before we met.

My family all dislike him and my sister doesn't talk to me anymore as she said she won't have anything to do with me while i associate with my boyfriend.

Last night we were driving in the dark and he became upset becuase i raised my voice at him. He started screaming at me and called me the most vile names. He started swerving all over the road and doing skids. He turned his lights off and drove in the complete dark. When i told him i was scared he told me I was a sook.

I dont even know if hes that bad or if I exaggerate becuase I am so confused.

What am I supposed to do? Wouldn't any normal person love themselves enough to leave? Is this even abusive behavior?

Im very lost and lonely.

He wants me to move interstate with him but I dojt know if that's a good idea

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jadex

I'm sorry for what you are going through. There are caring people here who understand how you feel and what you are going through. Yes, you are being abused by him. Pushing is a form of physical abuse. The mind games are emotional abuse. He sounds dangerous for you to be around. I don't think you are exaggerating, I and others have felt that way about our relationships. It is part of the dynamic of the abuse. Their are some good books that I suggest for you to read. One is "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft and the other is "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Adams. Patricia Adams also has videos on you tube. The Spartan Life Coach is another one I have watched and is good at explaining what is going on with your boyfriend with some humor to make it easy on him and us. I don't believe moving with someone that is abusive is a good idea. Some abusers like to isolate the one they are abusing so they can abuse them more without anyone around to help them. I would only move if this is going to be close to your family or someone that is supportive of you. I would contact your local Domestic Violence center and talk to them for help or call a friend or relative to come and get you away from him. Do this if you can when he is gone. If you have a job and don't want to move, ask the police about a restraining order. This may not keep him away, so be prepared for him trying to contact you. One reason it is difficult to leave is something called trauma bonding. Please look it up on-line. I hope this helps you and I'm sure there are others here that can give you more or different information than I have. Please stay safe. If you leave, don't let him know. Leaving an abuser can turn into a violent situation when they realize they are loosing their target. Hugs

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From what you've described, your boyfriend sounds verbally and physically abusive. It also sounds like the tactics he's been using are isolating you from your family. Deliberately scaring you with the car sounds extremely out of line to me, and I would keep this in mind as a behavior he could repeat in the future if you're seriously considering living with him, among all the rest. He may insist that he'll change, but you have to account for the possibility that he won't. It's your right to do this; it would be a huge red flag for him to insist that holding him accountable for his past behavior is being judgmental or unfair.

When you get into a car with someone, you're trusting that person with your life. I don't think it's easy to exaggerate the immediate physical danger he put you in, for absolutely no reason but because he was upset.

Abusive people twist our heads up in knots all the time. Not leaving doesn't mean you don't love yourself enough or that you're not normal, it means that you're not ready to or can't leave yet. Eventually we all reach our limits with people who won't respect our boundaries and that's a different point for everyone. That said, I would definitely keep researching this, hoping mentioned some very good sources, and if you can I'd rely on your family for support. I think he's trying to take that away from you and that's a warning sign.

All the best!

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I'm sorry you needed to find us, but I'm glad that you did.

Your bf sounds very dangerous and the last thing you want to do is move interstate with him. You are not exaggerating-he is physically and emotionally abusive. Unfortunately, once abuse has started, it always escalates.

Please contact your local domestic violence center, they can help you sort things out, get a restraining order, etc.

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Hi Jadedex, I have to agree with Percolate that your boyfriend is not only abusive but dangerous. He is already being physically abusive and being reckless with your life and his. Sadly this is not something you can fix. Abusive relationships generally do not start out as abusive from the outset.

I do think it advisable to seek out your local domestic violence services for help and support.

You are welcome to join in with posting and reading on the Main forum as talking to others also dealing with similar issues can be very helpful.

Please do not move to another state to be with him. To do so will isolate you from friends and family and will place you in a very vulnerable position. Isolating their victims from their support base is a tactic very often employed by abusers.

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Thanks for your replies. Its been very hard for me to slowly work out whats right and what's wrong. He makes me feel like I am completely crazy and I have felt like a bad person for ages becuase of "the things i have done to him".

I find myself here becuase my family won't talk to me very much. My sister has stopped all contact and my mum and dad talk to me but are very distant.

We lived together and after i found out about his gambling and lies I left him. He needed to return to his home state to have the support of his family.

I have been visiting him every few weeks but he is really putting the hard word on about moving. He keeps making me feel bad becuase he has gotten me a house he thought Id like and has stopped going out on weekends "all for me".

I feel lonely becuase of my family not being there so I dont want to leave him becuase I'll have noone. He will also have noone if I leave him.

Its an awful place to be in.

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I'm sorry jadedex. What a terrible position to be in. Also, not so bad. You already don't live in the same location. That makes leaving so much easier. Do you live by yourself? With your family? Do you have friends?

Abusers isolate you from your friends. I had gradually dropped mine. I think that he was making up stories about them. They had all done and said terrible things, and looking back it was all his interpretation of things, but I trusted him at the time. One of the things that I needed to work on and still do, is developing friendships. Do you have any activities where you know people with whom you could start friendships? Work on that and it will help. My much older neighbor was a huge help for me. You may be surprised where you can find people. Start opening up to several people. Spread your needs around. Form your own family of nice supportive people. Support them as they support you.

Abusers trap you with their love before they show their true colors. Suppose that when you met your boyfriend you knew that he was a gambling addict and then he did that dark driving thing. Would you go on a second date? Of course not. You'd run the other way. I know that your heart is attached, but sometimes you have to overrule that with your head. The attachment will go away with time. You have a wonderful life ahead of you. Don't ruin it with the complete jerk.

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A couple of thoughts for you, but first --- > a BIG (((HUG)))!!! :)

Someone in here wrote that there is just one word to know if you're in an abusive relationship or not --- CONFUSION. If you're constantly feeling confused, you're not in a healthy relationship. Healthy relationships have on-going communication; and a mutual goal of helping and understanding.

MINDSETS - CHOOSE mindsets that better serve you. <3

DO THESE SOUND FAMILIAR? I'm pulling from my past here:
He's soooo cute
I love how he <insert something you feel like you'll soooooo missss>
He's doing the best he can because <excuse you make for his bad behavior; such as bad childhood... etc...>
I'm not perfect either...
But we've been together this long (feel committed)
I can't leave because <insert excuses here: because of the children, no money, no family...>


BETTER MINDSETS
The "good" is NOT outweighing the "bad"
There are SEVEN BILLION people in the world --- aka: LOTS of chances for healthy, fulfilling relationships
This is NOT a healthy relationship
I DESERVE a healthy relationship
THERE IS HELP -- hotlines, shelters, THIS FORUM


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If it were really "all for you," he wouldn't be making you feel bad about it. Gifts are not supposed to come with strings attached, and it's a huge red flag that he's only doing these "loving" things with an expectation of a reward (e.g., he gets the house so you have to move in with him; he won't go out on weekends for you so he expects you to curtail some other freedom, like going out on weekends yourself or spending time with friends he doesn't approve of).

He's doing everything in his power to buy you with guilt. That means the guilt will never stop. It'll always be something else you have to sacrifice to make him happy, because he's doing everything to "make you happy," when in actuality he's just trying to trap you in a system of guilt trips and social strings.

I know it might seem like you'll be all alone if you leave him, but you're practically already alone while you're with him, because he's not doing any of it for you.

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your heart is attached, but sometimes you have to overrule that with your head. The attachment will go away with time.

This is so true. And it's not easy. If you look at the situation and talk about it with others to get different opinions you will see it is a dangerous situation. Your personal safety should always come first before your other needs like to be loved.

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For some reason I just cant imagine my life without him. The thought of leaving him really upsets me.

I know that he'll probably never change. When he's good he is the most loving person and I have so much fun with him. But sometimes he just changes.

Do u reckon he knows what he's doing is abusive or is it just how they're made up as a person and he'd think his behavior is normal? He did apologise about the car stuff.

I really love this guy. Ive been miserable since I left there this morning. All I can think about is losing him if I chose not to move.. I dont know how I can move becuase my family would havr a meltdown and I have 2 dogs here that I wouldn't be able to take there and they mean the world to me.

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Sometimes our hearts make us love people who are really bad for us. Take it from us older ones who were abused long time. Run. They make you crazy and sick. They ruin your self esteem. They take your money and ruin your credit. No love is worth that. You deserve to be treated well in return for your love. You don't deserve to have trickles of love given you in order to manipulate you into serving someone else. You deserve to do the things that you want to do rather than having to always do what he wants or he throws one of his fits. It really isn't worth it.

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Choose the dogs. They will be loyal and love you. He does neither. Try not to let the sparse good times colour your view of your bf's real personality. He can hide it when things go his way, but do you want to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life?

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I used to feel this way jadex, it's called a trauma bond: they do far more damage than good and they don't change because they don't care how much pain they cause, they only care about themselves and what the want. People aren't people to them, they are just juice/supply.

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There were only 2 or 3 red flags in the years I was with echthros before we got married (and before he started showing his true colors). An episode of anger and dangerous driving was one of them. I wish I'd left him right from that point. I should have. It would have made my life a thousand times better. A million.

Jade, I'm not going to mince words here. Your boyfriend is a dangerous and unstable abuser. If move with him, you will basically be killing your life. There is not a single doubt in my mind.

Not only that, but you will be even more isolated and alone with a dangerous abuser. This is what they want. All the "guilt tripping" he's doing is just to get you to stay with him. That's all! It's manipulation.

Don't move with him, for all that your life is worth, do not move with him.

Let's say you have a peanut allergy. If you eat a peanut, it might kill you. Even if you love peanuts - you cannot eat them. They are harmful to you.
There's no difference here.
He is dangerous and it will only get worse. He is unstable and dangerous and abusive.
I could tell you to read books ("Why Does He Do That?" "The Nice Girl Syndrome," etc.)
But I feel like your future is in a very precariously dangerous situation right now. RIGHT with this single decision. This single decision that I can guarantee you will look back in 2 or 5 or 10 years and wish you did not make (if you did choose to move with him).
There is no good outcome possible from moving with him.
I would suggest you find some domestic violence support as soon as possible. You need support on your side that understands this is dangerous for you, and to help counteract his voice in your head. And to give you a reality touchstone in your life.
Not being able to imagine your life without him...... that's something in you that you can examine later.... I would hope you would come to understand yourself soon enough to realize you are worth more than being mistreated and putting yourself into dangerous situations and a dangerous relationship. But unfortunately I could tell you "You deserve more!" all day and night and I know that it wouldn't sink in if you aren't used to hearing that... or it might feel like "yeah yeah, blahblahblah" that I'm just saying the words. But I mean it.
Don't risk your life and your future. Your "heart" here is something that has been manipulated (yep, you felt that correctly!!!) and conditioned that you somehow "need" this guy, this relationship. You don't! There will be many many many other people you connect with in life. Your caring should not be misused or mistreated. YOU do not deserve to be mistreated.
Whatever you do, do not move with him.
And do reach out to a local domestic violence shelter or resource or support group and see what resources they have. You do qualify. He is physically and verbally and psychologically/emotionally abusive.
(Oh and by the way? Your family being angry at him is because they care. This isn't one of those romantic "us against them" storybook things. He is dangerous for you and they are trying to protect you.)

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Run don't walk. Don't move with him, that is to get you to himself away from your family where he can hurt you without anyone knowing. Your family is afraid for you that is why they are distancing themselves. They are afraid if they push to hard you will cut them off completely which is what he wants. He is dangerous and he WILL hurt you . Trust us we have lived this and in some cases still are. I have been living this for over 36 years you don't want that. Ask yourself these questions: Do I want to be yelled at for years? Do I want to wait on a man hand and foot like a servant for years? Do I want to give up my life for his wants and needs? This is a big one DO I trust that he will never hit me, beat me, or even kill me? If the answer is no, I want my life in peace,something you will pray for if you stay with him, then you know what you need to do. Trust me it doesn't get better it only gets worse and when children come it's much worse because they will be used to control you. RUN DON"T WALK!!!!! Talk to you parents your sister even if they seem distant talk to them or someone. He doesn't want that because he looses control over you so talk to someone get help to get away .Please get away before it's to late.

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Jadedex

Look when you get to know someone and your romantic with them sometimes our chemistry put beer goggles on. When you wake up you wish you can put those goggles back on because you can not unsee what you now see.

I have to say one thing stood out and it is that you see it. It's not that it doesn't add up you see it. He is a liar and you know it. He will always throw you under the bus to escape from the problems he causes. He is financially abusive. He is financially a manipulator. He is aggressive and combative. He communicates in way that makes you question the events and you second guess yourself. So by talking to him you get more unclear and take a lesser seat.

You should be in a relationship that makes you feel like you are protected and with someone that has YOUR best interest at heart. The person you describe seems to be someone that is not your safe spot to fall. Being that he is a gambler I can imagine he has this persona that projects a strong in control guy. The guy you talk about is very out of control. Look that game face that does not care when your hurt gets worse in time. When your older you want some that will give you a good meal and the correct medication. Not double the script mix up the dose and pretend he was confused. Do you know what I mean? I think you know!

Do not move with him. In fact that your sister is taking that big of a stance should make you think. Now some families are over the top but if you wanted to protect yourself or your sister sometimes you have to speak your peace and pull away. I am pretty sure your family is not pushing you away but it sounds like they are thrown at a lost to why you're with him. Could it be they do not have those chemicals and see right through him. If he knew that he could be trying to get you away from your safety nets. I see only a hurt locker if you go that way.

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Firmly Team Dog. I have cats I would die for and I constantly have to shield them from my abuser, who doesn't even live with me at this time. If he's not above threatening your life, he's not above threatening your dogs (whether you can bring them or not), and I think moving without them would be isolating yourself from one of the very last emotional resources you have right now.

Plus, they're going to be miserable without you, and you without them. That's a lot of misery for the benefit of only one person, especially when he's treating you the way he has.

I don't want to overlook that he apologized, because I know that's important. But be careful about the way his apologies work. Do you feel indebted after he apologizes, or like you overreacted? Does he spend a lot of time in the apology shifting blame to something else (you, stress, etc.), or just saying things to make you feel bad ("I'm worthless, I don't deserve you, I wouldn't blame you if you left me")? Even if he doesn't do all that, then he may still be apologizing in order to get something out of you. This is a critical time.

That magnetism he has, that goodness, that understanding, all of that is addictive. But it's all just the sweet-smelling nectar he uses to lure you in. It isn't real, and it's scary when you realize that, but if you do nothing else you'll still realize that one day. He fits the pattern; feeling like he has to be the exception to the rule, the one abuser who can really for sure change, is only a further warning sign. Please don't give him this opportunity to trap you before you can be sure, with your own eyes and heart, about who and what he is.

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Hi OP, the thing is... when you're disrespected over and over again, you become conditioned and you start doubting whether what's going on is right or wrong, or whether you're the one in the wrong... it's so common to see in initial messages on this board - "Am I the one who's crazy? Am I wrong? Maybe he's right?"

I dealt with a guy who was "wonderful" when he wanted something and he was disrespectful, sarcastic and dishonest when he showed his true self. There was a time (last time I saw him) when I was upset with something, and I sat there quietly because I was upset (but the whole time very polite to him), and he looked at me hard, like an annoyed father looks at a child and said, "Wipe the sour look off because it's annoying. You're ruining the day." I wasn't used to being spoken to like that, and didn't even think one adult can speak this way to another. Obviously, things were already going south, and I did not see him again. But I revisited that incident later, and thought about what would happen if I (or any woman) is REPEATEDLY spoken to this in fashion. It would really mess with your view of who you are, who he is, what is appropriate and inappropriate.

Please, be certain that disrespect and put-downs are unacceptable. Life is too short to live it enduring them. You probably cannot change your life overnight, but please keep moving in that direction, you are already on the right track.

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