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Vanilli

PTSD

12 posts in this topic

I definitely have some kind of PTSD, whether it's chronic or not, which it probably is. Anyway, I live with a soul-crushing amount of pain; it feels like I am heartbroken, I get anxious, I feel hypervigilant, basically all of that and it is so draining. The other week I was taking the bus and suddenly this OVERWHELMING rush of terror flooded over me - it was so horrible.

Sometimes I can't take all this pain.

I was so happy and optimistic when I FIRST got out, but all this pain was just buried. I had some months of it, then it got better and now it is all back again - it hurts so much; sometimes I cry out from the intense physical pain in my heart and I beg for it to stop; I get frightened I'll die of a heart attack. I know things can only get better and that at least I'm out, but sometimes I despair they never will. All the love has worn off, and I am just left with the reality of the sheer horror of what he has done to me; the constant criticism (which I didn't even notice). the destruction of my self-esteem (I am slowly but surely getting this back), the harrowing sexual abuse (I really frying suppressed all that - I put myself in such denial, I couldn't take not being safe in my own bed next to the person I loved and who was supposed to love me: how fucked up is that?).

I'm also coming to terms with my sisters abuse and how much she frying hurt me, which is just as bad: as my sister should have been there for, I expected too much of her and thought I could see humanity where there was none (that's on her, she's a fake a-hole, like he is - they have no real humanity - but they can play pretend and the kind hearted fall for it). She always acts like I'm to blame and told me I 'took turnips to my face' (ouch - even though I always stood up for myself - I hate societal victim blaming - people have no idea!), which is a funny projection of her own feelings of shame coz she's been in a million and one abusive relationships- wish I could find a way to get her to STOP talking about it because it's severely re-traumatizing and horrific to listen to and I don't deserve it. But she's a covert narcissist so I feel like it will just induce the narcissistic rage and make it so much worse (cue the helplessness).

I'm starting therapy soon and have been reading about trauma. Music helps so much and yoga (movement is apparently so important for healing yourself :)!). Self-compassion meditation is a necessity as well.

On the bright side. I'm getting much better at realizing my worth and who I should and shouldn't be around. My work life is really looking up; I'm doing something I'm good at and really love and have the freedom and luck of working remotely. I have the peace of being able to do what I want, I can go wherever the hell I want. When I am not suffering from the intense emotional pain (which is sometimes there for many days and visits daily most of the time), I actually feel some really wonderful moments of joy and confidence (I know this will get better when I find some more genuine friends; but waking up to how many assholes/narcissists there are in my life). I also really like enjoying the physical side of things with my current bf, when I don't get triggered, which is sometimes; which is nice coz I NEVER liked sex with my ex, I never understood all the fuss (he was my first).

I'm sorry if this adds to anyone's suffering or unhappiness; I'm not getting treatment yet so...I wouldn't fee like we are all doomed for the same fate forever. I'm sure things can only get better, especially with the right support and help and I do feel better sometimes, I guess there's just a lot of pain to get through.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I just needed to let it all out, I guess I'm ashamed sometimes, I don't want to be weak; I wish I could let go and be above it (but I'm not weak, I'm strong like all of you). I know you ladies will understand me :), like no one else can.

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TRUTH! (That you're fully, authentically and non-judgmentally understood here.) Doesn't getting to ramble feel sooooooo gooood? :)

I agree with the power of music. Sade is my go to for calming.

"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans has been a HUGE help to me, perhaps look into it? She has other books that you might be interested in as well.

I've also heard great things about "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft
and The Spartan Life Coach on youtube.

I'm so sorry to hear you're hurting, but you only have UP to go now. CONGRATS on getting out!!!

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Vanilli

I think going to a good counselor can help a lot. I also suggest listening to the Spartan Life Coach. I'm sending you a big Hug.

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I'm sorry for your pain Vanilli. I feel like it will just take time. I also wonder sometimes if there has just been too much abuse for too long.

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Vanilli,

I understand what you're going through. It's called Complex PTSD (CPTSD) and you are experiencing emotional flashbacks.

I was exactly where you are now and have gotten out of it very successfully :)

For me the most helpful was Richard Grannon, he really understand this and gives amazing advises that actually help! Here are some of his videos on this subject (he has more, so do listen to others as well).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXVAxO_FToA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XgkZvXVQ40Q

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WCJyU7z3v-M

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEQ5e2iPkMw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7NCf1AUR3k

Therapy is good, but be careful to choose a therapist that understands narcissistic abuse and Complex PTSD, otherwise (s)he will only cause you more damage.

Here's his channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/SPARTANLIFECOACH/videos

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Here is my experience...

Once I realized that interacting with my sister was consistently leaving me feeling upset, frustrated and bad about myself - I stopped interacting with her.

She never understood "why."

She blamed me for weird (untrue) things, assumed/defined my feelings (projecting and/or assuming I'm really a stupid idiot). She intruded in aspects of my life she should not have, which were really harmful not only to me but to others, but when I tried to address this and the disrespect she twisted it around to be that I was "jealous" of her. She has always been very controlling and I finally realized that. She also put me down and treated me disrespectfully in a ton of different ways.

My siblings never viewed me as a "real" person just as worthy of human respect as they are. I felt this lifelong weight of "not being good enough" and a silent underlying fear whenever I interacted with them. I finally realized that whenever I left interactions with them, I felt this extremely less-than, upset feeling. I also realized I'd lived most my life trying to do things "their way" and trying to somehow prove that I was "just as good" as them so that they would treat me as an equal to them.

I finally realized that was futile.

I stopped interacting with them.

It was like a weight in that part of my life was off my shoulders.

Yes, it's very regretful - and they will never understand why, and they will just add it to the list of reasons why I am a stupid babyish selfish idiot.

But I do not have to interact with people who made me feel bad about myself and who did not treat me as an equal, or respectfully.

(And in fact, if they were to read this, they would deny my perspective as invalid and say that this, too, is proof of what a stupid babyish selfish idiot I am. They would not be able to look honestly at the interactions we've had, at the tone, at their words or actions toward me - in fact, I'm sure they'd consider themselves as selflessly giving and that I am being not only stupid but ungrateful. Nevertheless, their constant exclusion from being "good enough" and part of "their tribe" so to speak, and their continual condescension and disrespect toward me - whether they would acknowledge it or not - was very damaging to me for much of life.)

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I've also experienced this with my sister. When you said they think of themselves as selfless and that your being ungrateful. It's so unfair and frustrating that they just can not look at their behaviour from your perspective. Any complaint by you is not allowed and wrong. You are just not allowed to have unhappy feelings and want them to alter their behaviour.

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Thanks everyone, that's a weight off my shoulders. Sometimes it's just overwhelming feeling like you are surrounded by assholes or people who judge you, I'm sure not everyone does, but sometimes it feels like drowning in a frying sea of it. It's so helpful that you guys get it, wish I had friends like you all in real life - thanks so much for your kindness and taking the time to reply. You're right, the only way up is out and actually I have been regaining a lot of myself: I have always been a very tough person on the inside who was strong and assertive and my a-hole ex whittled that away (well my self-esteem was at rock bottom when we met...so I don;t think it was him). It's good to see that coming back and my self-esteem and feelings of joy but sometimes I wish I could just take a pill and forget about all of it.

Thanks MyThoughtsMatter, you're right - the only way is up :D! Thanks for the reading recommendations - I can do this!

Thanks so much hoping *hugs to you*!

Thanks Bennu, love to you, hope you are doing okay!

Thanks very much Diamonds, you always give great practical advice and are always understanding. Thanks very much for these vids - have you tried any of his courses? I want to look into them when I have more money.

Thanks Quaddie for your advice! So sorry to hear about your terrible siblings, I REALLY feel that feeling awful and less than after I'm with her. It just f words me off, because I've always been there for her and all she's ever been is a frying a-hole - guess that's on her and you're RIGHT, I need to get rid of her. It's tricky though, we are off on a family holiday where my family will push us together - signing up for a room together - but hey, I'll ignore her donkey and tell her that anytime she tries to shame me or bring up my abusive relationship in that way, then I'm going to bring up the truth of her past abusive relationships - which I know happened just as mine did - think that will shut her up, the narcissist. I don't want to, but this is a last resort - get her to stop talking then ignore and avoid. She won't dare do this to me anymore. How dare she use me to make her self feel better and bare face lie about it, pathetic and lame and weak.

Thanks Kanga, sorry to hear about your sister; it's pretty heartbreaking, your sister is meant to love you and always have your back. Traitorous.

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This is exactly the right place for letting out all those thoughts and feelings. Rather than making me upset or feeling bad I just sympathise with you and all the others here. We support each other and we understand. We all should stop apologising for telling each other how we feel if we hit a rough patch. Sometimes I feel that's part of the abused's mindset - feeling like you should always pretend to be happy and you can't fully share what you feel. So go ahead and share. We don't mind (at least I know I don't)!

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I'm sorry, Vanilli.

I, too, have suffered the very real emotional flashbacks and CPSD. It's so hard and overwhelming at times. I felt anxiety like never before,and everything was so intense that I could hardly take it. I then had to shove it all down and fight the fight of my life to keep the kids away frim Grinch. I'm afraid to even glimpse into what it will be like once I can let my guard down amd start feeling again because it s so tough even with all of my walls. I understand what you are going through and facing it. I hope to get there one day. (((Hugs))))

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I was diagnosis with Chronic PTSD

My symptoms:

Grammar and spelling affected
nervousness

eating for stress relief

feelings of worthlessness

tapes from the anger he projects or projected from past

scared that I will lose more love from what family I have left

question people that are legitimately showing criticism or objections wondering what motives are (not all the time)
have trouble moving on

when I try to vision me better or achieving goals talk myself into idleness

have things accumulated in-house pockets of stagnation

some days I wake up so depressed and cry down the halls at work hoping no one see's and someone will ask if I am sick
sexual appetite decreased and I was very sexual regularly

need anti-depressants to feel valid

uncomfortable in skin
Would dream of my issues trying to resolve them in my sleep
would feel connected even if it was over
I do not care about my body or appearance like I use to

am periodically late
Went from being a positive optimist to hearing words in my head like they don't love me when someone is preoccupied and too busy to care
I use to really care about people and now I have to stay distant. (Do not trust people)
Sit in groups and use to love talking about god. Now I find it painful and ridiculous
Fear that his bit of narcissism turn me into a vampire zombie.

My heart
hurt with a pinching ache for 3 1/2 years
Moved from heart to middle of chest for 9 months
Moved from middle of chest to belly and felt sick to stomach
last month went through the tension that felt like I gave birth to a 300lbs narcissistic demon like stress filled labor pains (I felt sick and relieved)


Find that when I read things the comprehension is hard to connect to have to read it a few times
remembering large bits of data disappears and hard to retain
embarrassed to be honest about the struggle of what I am really experiencing
Feel that if I told doctors and therapist all I would have long-term consequences rather than just healing

Moved from post-traumatic to area of anxiety

Doing better but still have a few symptoms grammar is not right but think I can process information now/

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MorningGlory, many things you wrote ring too much bell for me as well :2:

C-PTSD sucks and those voices telling me I'm worthless and unlovable....all the anxiety and untrust... well, these all suck :unsure: With me, they come mainly from my childhood, exes have only strengthen them.

The only good thing that came from my last (and worst) exN is that I have finally been forced to look deep into myself and find the reasons and understand why I keep ending up with bad man. At least now I know, now I understand and I face my wounds and demons and try to heal.

It's a slow process but we're at least (finally) going in the right direction. :rolleyes:

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