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MyThoughtsMatterToo

He's angry and annoyed when I don't act happy

54 posts in this topic

He told me that he doesn't think I'm a very good parent - when he was speaking calmly. THAT is going to be very hard to let go of...

And that was immediately after I thought I saw a glimmer of hope to keep us together. But as time goes on, I think my hope keeps coming from incorrectly assuming the best of his words and actions. It will never cease to amaze me how he can completely misinterpret about any event, action or comment of mine. phoey it's debilitating.

I'm noticing more and more that the good times are when I'm not making it known how I want to be treated, when I just go along...

It hurts that he's just annoyed when he notices I'm not happy. He doesn't try and make it better... just gets mad/takes it personally, because of course everything is about him.


Yep. Anger and annoyance are the response I get when he senses I'm not happy. "I'm sorry your life SUCKS." he says in a condescending tone.
hmmmm wonder why I'm not happy.

<sigh>



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Have you read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft? It will hep you understand. Please don't listen to anything he says as truth. It's all manipulation with abusers.

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MTMToo

I would ask someone else about the parenting and not trust just his opinion. I know my abuser husband thinks he is right most of the time. Mine also loved to tell me how to feel. You have a right to feel how you feel. They are good at misinterpreting or twisting. They are having distorted thoughts or they are just twisting you words to their advantage. If they can keep you confused, the can abuse you easier.

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They will say anything that they think will hurt you and often they'll attack something that you're good at to make themselves feel better.

Everything revolves around them and if you're not happy or need something, they get annoyed.

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They really can't believe it when you are unhappy because they think they do everything right. They believe their actions always have justification and your being annoyed doesn't make sense.

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It's on my list to read. Thanks for the reminder, Bennu. :)

Have you read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft? It will hep you understand. Please don't listen to anything he says as truth. It's all manipulation with abusers.

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Thank you for your input and support, hoping! :)

What I need to remind myself is that my dear husband doesn't have a very good filter. He says the turnips you and I think but don't say because we know it's not the truth; we understand they are thoughts out of anger and/or frustration and cannot be taken back... Moments later he forgets he even said them.

I'm in the unique situation of having a very close relationship with his twin sister. She reminded me that we (hubby and I) are both under a lot of stress right now which reminded me how differently he and I deal with stress --- he becomes distant/less empathetic (kind of a wall to protect himself, ya know?); whereas I need extra closeness and become super sensitive when I'm not getting it.

This forum is such a incredible resource! Y'all mean more to me than you can ever know. 'just being understood gives me so much strength. Want to hear something ironic that I realized? As I allowed myself to succumb to his irrational words; let them get into my head so I became less and less confident, I became more and more annoying to him. can't blame him. I was depressed; not able to get things done and often unhappy; not knowing why, which made me feel even worse.

Since learning the term verbal abuse - I don't have to spend all my time trying to understand, so I have time to focus on being ME again --- appreciating how smart, strong and able I am. Doing things I enjoy. Getting things done because everything doesn't seem SO HARD any more. In part because I'm not so easily offended when he critiques me. As I've been finding myself again, attempting things again, I've asked for his input here (2 heads are better than one. :)), a few times I've learned that I was right. Ha! ;)

Disclaimer: I want you all to know that my husband has steadily gotten better, not worse (referred to in The Verbally Abuse Relationship that verbal abuse usually manifests into physical abuse). And I don't feel like his abuse comes from a dark place (controlling/evil). I feel like it comes from a not knowing better place (bad role models) + lack of practice using his filter (referred to above).

IF YOU FEEL YOU ARE IN HARMS WAY, I don't want my post giving you false hope. If your partner is not getting better, GET HELP and GET OUT. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to feel something besides confusion and fear. I'm guessing you're in a just get through today mindset. Start asking yourself if you want to live this way the rest of your life...
If not, get help in here. Start a thread that you "need help to get out" so everyone can share all the resources and tips they've learned about.












MTMToo

I would ask someone else about the parenting and not trust just his opinion. I know my abuser husband thinks he is right most of the time. Mine also loved to tell me how to feel. You have a right to feel how you feel. They are good at misinterpreting or twisting. They are having distorted thoughts or they are just twisting you words to their advantage. If they can keep you confused, the can abuse you easier.

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Interesting that you shared this perspective, Percolate. "to make themselves feel better"

My 14 year old has been struggling with depression. During a therapy session we were discussing put downs and he said a put down, as a "joke" (like he's been known to do) can make someone smile and forget how much they hate himself for a moment. How sad is that? Reinforcing the concept that ---> HURT people hurt people.

You got that right that the world revolves around him; egads! Even his twin sister says he's selfish (and she does NOT talk badly of others so this was said strictly factually and with much consideration. :)) When I'm feeling strong and confident I just tease him to diffuse the situation. Most of the time (when he's not lost his temper), he's quite good at laughing at himself.

On that note (always about him): He gets defensive when I'm not happy (because it's all about him, right?) rather than being empathetic/wanting to help.

They will say anything that they think will hurt you and often they'll attack something that you're good at to make themselves feel better.

Everything revolves around them and if you're not happy or need something, they get annoyed.

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Verbal abuse does not always escalate into physical, and its lack of doing so does not really have significance in terms of "badness."

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MyThoughts, How long do you think you will be willing to try to "diffuse" the situation or to remind yourself that he's "not using his filter?" This puts all of the responsibility for the relationship on your shoulders. You have to remind him to use his filter or change your thoughts/feelings to try to understand where he is at. Does he ever try to understand where you are at? How does he respond if you're in an emotionally vulnerable place? Do you think you'll be able to maintain your happy, understanding place forever?

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How long do you think you will be willing to try to "diffuse" the situation or to remind yourself that he's "not using his filter?"

Both thoughts I'm asking myself *continuously* of late...

Does he ever try to understand where you are at?

Yes, but I have to catch him in the right mood; which is becoming more often.

How does he respond if you're in an emotionally vulnerable place?

He was very sweet when there were scares with my mom's health, and during my labors (child birth).

Do you think you'll be able to maintain your happy, understanding place forever?

Another question that I'm asking myself about daily lately.

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So here's something I noticed.

Joyful asked if he ever tries to understand where you are at, and you answered "Yes, but I have to catch him in the right mood; which is becoming more often."

The thing here is that him being understanding, is still your responsibility. In order for him to be understanding, you have to sense it's the right time, catch him in the right mood, do it "the right way." The burden of his behavior is still "on you." This...to be honest...is not change, really. It's not really growth...you are "managing" him, the dynamics of the relationship, but it's not fluid or effortless or trustworthy or safe the way a healthy relationship would be.

And I imagine if you "dare" to need understanding when he's not in the right mood, there's some sort of consequence.

So the burden of this relationship appears to be on your shoulders. Managing him, when and how you act with him and need him, deciding to be accepting of a lack of filter, etc. It's all kind of on your own shoulders.

That gets to be a very heavy burden.

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I felt bad for mine. I still do. I still suspect that he doesn't understand why his life is so crappy. It's partly because his expectations are skewed. He earns great money but thinks that he should be earning much more. He thinks that he should be allowed all sorts of autonomy at work when he has more than most already etc. He can't seem to understand that people respond to him the way they do because he is such an enormous jerk. I thought I could handle it. I would help him understand the world. He would get better. He didn't get better, he got worse. He lied to me so much that my sense of reality got very mixed up. He told people around us all sorts of stories about me. I got treated oddly. For your memory and other parts of the mind to work too, you need feedback and confirmation. When you get negative feedback you try to change how you remember and think and your brain becomes dysfunctional. When you are always on guard for the next blow up the effect of all that stress impacts your health. I thought I could handle it. I did on an intellectual level, but you can't change the way the body responds to stress. It almost destroyed my health. Same with my poor kids. I had to get out. We won't be fully recovered for a long time if ever.

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I was thinking about this last night and again this morning. Let me see if I can organize my thoughts... (pre-caffeinated and all...)

When a person is continually within an abusive dynamic, there's also this accompanying, constant, barely-perceptible (or even subconscious) inner dialog about what to do, and how to do, and what to be, and what is reality, and how the other person will react, and how to handle/"manage" things so they react in certain ways (or don't react), etc. etc. etc.It's like this ghost chatter inside the head, all focusing around the situation and around the other person.

So even if you (generic "you"), say, decided, "I'm not going to let partner's hatred of my doing cross-stitch keep me from doing cross-stitch. I'll do it anyway, because I love it!".... when you do do the cross-stitch, it is still colored by the abusive dynamic like a dark cloud of stress and frustration hanging around. Partner will probably react with anger or sullenness or silent treatment or whatever is his wont. You will still feel and experience that (even if you try to shrug it off or not let it bother you), and it still saps the energy and brings negative into your life, but then also the stress energy of the "defiance" itself.

So there is all this inner chatter about all that. "What should I do? I'll do it anyway! Oh look at him being all pouty. I'm going to ignore him. He can't mess with my day <but it does, I can still feel it>, see, I can do the cross-stitch, this is fun, what's he doing now? Ugh now he's slamming around trying to make a sandwich acting like he's the king and I've abandoned him just because I'm doing cross-stitch, what a baby, I'm going to ignore him, yeah, I'm enjoying myself right now! Eff him!"

In reality, that's not free and that's not fun. It's defiance but it's still all sorts of health-sapping energies and still all sorts of focus on him because this influence is pretty much inescapable while one is in an abusive/controlling dynamic.

And of course it continues outside his presence: "I'm out running errands. I'm hungry. Oooh look, there's a Sonic, I would really like a chicken snacker and a slush. Hmmm. I am supposed to be just running errands. HE likes sonic. He'll get angry if he found out I went without him. It might take too long. It's just not worth it. I really should just finish my errands and go home."

....and even if you did go to Sonic, you'd (still generic "you") still be having that inner dialog, "Oh yeah I went to Sonic, eff him, I won't tell him. Then he'll call me a liar. It'll back up his claim that I'm a liar. When I get home late I'll just tell him I got stuck in traffic. Ugh, I feel guilty. I don't like to lie. Maybe I am a liar. I'll just tell him I went to Sonic and ignore his pouting." <but then, see above about ignoring his pouting>

It just colors everything. In almost-imperceptible ways. It becomes such "normal" inside the head that it becomes difficult to separate out the "I" in all that inner dialog. One's "I" becomes entangled not only with all the "shoulds" that the abuser imposes, but also with a negative sense of defiance required in order to assert one's "I" (instead of just being able to be that "I").

Eh, I'm not explaining well what's in my head. Just that it's this constant chatter and constant influence in one's life - even when one is not directly engaging with the abuser. And of course there's also the common gaslighting/defining that can really, really destroy a person's innards in ways that are really difficult to fully grasp until one is out of the controlling atmosphere and actually starts to inhabit and navigate the world as the self instead of the "self-attached-to-abuser."

Ugh. I don't know if I've even said what I meant to. Oh yeah, memory. That was the other thing. This morning I was thinking about how.... it's stupid, but there's this idea I wanted to try to make something. I got "stuck" on the idea I needed a table in my backyard in order to test this idea. I mean stuck. Like I couldn't do it. AND - the stupid part is, I didn't even think of thinking of another way to do it. (And I am a person known for thinking of ways around challenges and having "Plan B's" and such.) I mean, for months. Maybe a year, I don't know. It was like my brain actually stopped about how to do this.

I just realized that this morning. And you probably don't know, but I was steeped in an extremely psychologically abusive workplace environment that escalated into being severely traumatic in the last year I was there. On top of everything else I've experienced, it really devastated my innards - as in, I don't know if I'll ever be the same, or want to be the same. It really really really really did a horrible number on me. Let's just leave it at that. But anyway, there was also very severe and very cruel gaslighting. AND severe physical impact from the abusive environment that made me very physically ill and worse sleep deprivation, etc. Anyway, I feel like my brain basically got curdled. It really didn't even function. I still don't even want it to. It was that bad. It really, really damaged me. And I think maybe that was why - even though I got out of that situation about 2 years ago - my brain is still really impacted in its functioning.

Abuse damages in unseen and untold and sometimes unknown ways. Even if one is functioning within the dynamic, or it "feels normal" <-- (also a part of the abusive environment), or is feeling they have a handle on it, or that they can manage the abuser. It really is very damaging and draining.

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Oh and also I meant to say, he may be angry and annoyed when you don't act happy because abusers often view their targets as extensions of themselves. Therefore, if he is happy, you must be happy, too. If you're not, "the toaster isn't functioning properly." You are wrong because he is happy, therefore you should be. You are an extension of him, like his hand or his foot. His foot doesn't go off flittering into the arcade while he's standing at the corn dog window.

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Burden indeed. It was debilitating, for sure. I completely related to your other comment (separate post) about not being able to get stuff done. Everything had become just sooooo hard and awful to me. I dreaded every. thing. Looking back I realize it's because I'd been taught that I don't do things right (self-esteem was shattered) AND because things ARE physically hard when you're depressed (from constant confusion).

I also related to your "Plan B" comment. :) I pride myself on thinking outside the box. I actually love problem-solving and it's been wonderful letting that gal out again. I thrive on the concept that there is always more than 1 right answer. It's painful when he stomps on that core belief of mine that only HIS way is right.

Man it feels good to get to share thoughts and feelings without being judged. I know this topic is difficult for outsiders to understand so I've only felt comfortable opening up to one person in real life so far (aside from my therapist). Thank you so much.

Meanwhile he tells me HE walks on eggshells. That he doesn't even want to be around me...
You know... because I had the nerve to ask him to speak to me in a certain way, to touch MY BODY in a certain way... His catch phrase lately is, "I'm always in trouble."
oh brother.

I've heard from him quite a lot, "Do you even HEAR what you're saying? Do you even THINK before you talk?" <--- ummmmmmm 'just one of the many double-standards I'm up against.

The abuse is hard enough, but then add in the denial and twisted accusations on top? It's difficult to remain sane. Thank goodness I've found some validation.








So here's something I noticed.

Joyful asked if he ever tries to understand where you are at, and you answered "Yes, but I have to catch him in the right mood; which is becoming more often."

The thing here is that him being understanding, is still your responsibility. In order for him to be understanding, you have to sense it's the right time, catch him in the right mood, do it "the right way." The burden of his behavior is still "on you." This...to be honest...is not change, really. It's not really growth...you are "managing" him, the dynamics of the relationship, but it's not fluid or effortless or trustworthy or safe the way a healthy relationship would be.

And I imagine if you "dare" to need understanding when he's not in the right mood, there's some sort of consequence.

So the burden of this relationship appears to be on your shoulders. Managing him, when and how you act with him and need him, deciding to be accepting of a lack of filter, etc. It's all kind of on your own shoulders.

That gets to be a very heavy burden.

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Quaddie.............what a beautifully funny analogy, I love it!! I will never look at a corn dog the same way again!!

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Oh that phrase 'I'm always in trouble '

Mine would say that all the time after he'd failed to take responsibility for stuff

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I'm learning this perspective in The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Thank you for reinforcing it in my brain. :)
I just started reading The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change? She talks about his "dream girl" and this perspective directly correlates with comments he's made to me.
Why can't you just trust me?
Why can't you just be happy - (tend to house/kids, let me make major decisions)




Oh and also I meant to say, he may be angry and annoyed when you don't act happy because abusers often view their targets as extensions of themselves. Therefore, if he is happy, you must be happy, too. If you're not, "the toaster isn't functioning properly." You are wrong because he is happy, therefore you should be. You are an extension of him, like his hand or his foot. His foot doesn't go off flittering into the arcade while he's standing at the corn dog window.

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The lack of motivation to do anything comes from being criticized and told you did it wrong no matter what you do. I'm still fighting with that after being out for months. We all have a fear of failure which makes motivation difficult. Add abuse to that and doing anything in life becomes very hard. Ugh!

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Thank you for sharing, Bennu.

Gosh I wish I could give you a great big IN REAL LIFE hug (but only if you like that sort of thing. :) ) I'm so super proud of you for getting out! And hope you can feel alllll the love that I am sending your way to help in your recovery.



Bennu, on 25 May 2016 - 03:54 AM, said:

I felt bad for mine. I still do. I still suspect that he doesn't understand why his life is so crappy. It's partly because his expectations are skewed. He earns great money but thinks that he should be earning much more. He thinks that he should be allowed all sorts of autonomy at work when he has more than most already etc. He can't seem to understand that people respond to him the way they do because he is such an enormous jerk. I thought I could handle it. I would help him understand the world. He would get better. He didn't get better, he got worse. He lied to me so much that my sense of reality got very mixed up. He told people around us all sorts of stories about me. I got treated oddly. For your memory and other parts of the mind to work too, you need feedback and confirmation. When you get negative feedback you try to change how you remember and think and your brain becomes dysfunctional. When you are always on guard for the next blow up the effect of all that stress impacts your health. I thought I could handle it. I did on an intellectual level, but you can't change the way the body responds to stress. It almost destroyed my health. Same with my poor kids. I had to get out. We won't be fully recovered for a long time if ever.

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<sigh> I'm torn between being grateful you understand, and wishing you didn't...

Oh that phrase 'I'm always in trouble '

Mine would say that all the time after he'd failed to take responsibility for stuff

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Quaddie, I want you to know how very special I feel seeing how much thought you put into my situation. Special and heard; TRULY heard. It feels so good. Thank you. :)

I also wanted to let you know that even if you weren't able to express your exact thoughts in the manner in which you wanted to, the thoughts you did share were extremely helpful and validating.

"constant chatter" "colors everything" "damaging and draining" < --- Yes. Yes! YES!!

How may I best support you?

I was thinking about this last night and again this morning. Let me see if I can organize my thoughts... (pre-caffeinated and all...)

When a person is continually within an abusive dynamic, there's also this accompanying, constant, barely-perceptible (or even subconscious) inner dialog about what to do, and how to do, and what to be, and what is reality, and how the other person will react, and how to handle/"manage" things so they react in certain ways (or don't react), etc. etc. etc.It's like this ghost chatter inside the head, all focusing around the situation and around the other person.

So even if you (generic "you"), say, decided, "I'm not going to let partner's hatred of my doing cross-stitch keep me from doing cross-stitch. I'll do it anyway, because I love it!".... when you do do the cross-stitch, it is still colored by the abusive dynamic like a dark cloud of stress and frustration hanging around. Partner will probably react with anger or sullenness or silent treatment or whatever is his wont. You will still feel and experience that (even if you try to shrug it off or not let it bother you), and it still saps the energy and brings negative into your life, but then also the stress energy of the "defiance" itself.

So there is all this inner chatter about all that. "What should I do? I'll do it anyway! Oh look at him being all pouty. I'm going to ignore him. He can't mess with my day <but it does, I can still feel it>, see, I can do the cross-stitch, this is fun, what's he doing now? Ugh now he's slamming around trying to make a sandwich acting like he's the king and I've abandoned him just because I'm doing cross-stitch, what a baby, I'm going to ignore him, yeah, I'm enjoying myself right now! Eff him!"

In reality, that's not free and that's not fun. It's defiance but it's still all sorts of health-sapping energies and still all sorts of focus on him because this influence is pretty much inescapable while one is in an abusive/controlling dynamic.

And of course it continues outside his presence: "I'm out running errands. I'm hungry. Oooh look, there's a Sonic, I would really like a chicken snacker and a slush. Hmmm. I am supposed to be just running errands. HE likes sonic. He'll get angry if he found out I went without him. It might take too long. It's just not worth it. I really should just finish my errands and go home."

....and even if you did go to Sonic, you'd (still generic "you") still be having that inner dialog, "Oh yeah I went to Sonic, eff him, I won't tell him. Then he'll call me a liar. It'll back up his claim that I'm a liar. When I get home late I'll just tell him I got stuck in traffic. Ugh, I feel guilty. I don't like to lie. Maybe I am a liar. I'll just tell him I went to Sonic and ignore his pouting." <but then, see above about ignoring his pouting>

It just colors everything. In almost-imperceptible ways. It becomes such "normal" inside the head that it becomes difficult to separate out the "I" in all that inner dialog. One's "I" becomes entangled not only with all the "shoulds" that the abuser imposes, but also with a negative sense of defiance required in order to assert one's "I" (instead of just being able to be that "I").

Eh, I'm not explaining well what's in my head. Just that it's this constant chatter and constant influence in one's life - even when one is not directly engaging with the abuser. And of course there's also the common gaslighting/defining that can really, really destroy a person's innards in ways that are really difficult to fully grasp until one is out of the controlling atmosphere and actually starts to inhabit and navigate the world as the self instead of the "self-attached-to-abuser."

Ugh. I don't know if I've even said what I meant to. Oh yeah, memory. That was the other thing. This morning I was thinking about how.... it's stupid, but there's this idea I wanted to try to make something. I got "stuck" on the idea I needed a table in my backyard in order to test this idea. I mean stuck. Like I couldn't do it. AND - the stupid part is, I didn't even think of thinking of another way to do it. (And I am a person known for thinking of ways around challenges and having "Plan B's" and such.) I mean, for months. Maybe a year, I don't know. It was like my brain actually stopped about how to do this.

I just realized that this morning. And you probably don't know, but I was steeped in an extremely psychologically abusive workplace environment that escalated into being severely traumatic in the last year I was there. On top of everything else I've experienced, it really devastated my innards - as in, I don't know if I'll ever be the same, or want to be the same. It really really really really did a horrible number on me. Let's just leave it at that. But anyway, there was also very severe and very cruel gaslighting. AND severe physical impact from the abusive environment that made me very physically ill and worse sleep deprivation, etc. Anyway, I feel like my brain basically got curdled. It really didn't even function. I still don't even want it to. It was that bad. It really, really damaged me. And I think maybe that was why - even though I got out of that situation about 2 years ago - my brain is still really impacted in its functioning.

Abuse damages in unseen and untold and sometimes unknown ways. Even if one is functioning within the dynamic, or it "feels normal" <-- (also a part of the abusive environment), or is feeling they have a handle on it, or that they can manage the abuser. It really is very damaging and draining.

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I've discovered a new perspective that has been of great help to me, Bennu. Perhaps it will help you, too.

Regarding laundry and dishes and picking up dog poop, wiping off lawn furniture, cleaning out my car... all seemed SO HARD especially with my inner voice reminding me how much I HATED doing every bit of it, HATED having to do it, HATED being too tired to do it and even HATED the fact that I hated it.. (I am not a fan of the word hate.)

Now I tell myself that "I deserve a beautiful space". When my eyes are on the prize --- of the beautiful, clean space --- the task doesn't seem awful, at all. My back porch hasn't looked this pretty in YEARS. :)

It's putting me in a lovely upward cycle; feeling special in a beautiful space (rather than cluttered, dirty) and believing I'm worthy OF a beautiful space.

The lack of motivation to do anything comes from being criticized and told you did it wrong no matter what you do. I'm still fighting with that after being out for months. We all have a fear of failure which makes motivation difficult. Add abuse to that and doing anything in life becomes very hard. Ugh!

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I hear you, Quaddie, and I did not mean to imply that verbal abuse on its own can't be just as harmful ("bad").

Verbal abuse does not always escalate into physical, and its lack of doing so does not really have significance in terms of "badness."

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