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littlebear

He asked me to marry him

17 posts in this topic

I have been on here before it was very hard to get away from my abusive partner. He walked out on me again two months ago after weeks of verbal and emotional abuse I always had him back in the past he even had me begging him to come back during those times.

This time however I was so relieved he had gone I was able to do what I wanted and see my friends he kept trying to contact me with his usual tactics of blaming me but I knew it was all him. I even met someone else during this time who treated me so nice compared to my ex he actually treated me with respect.

When my ex contacted me I told him i had met someone now but obvs he couldn't let that happen. He drove by the house asking who's car was outside and text and called me all the time.

In the end he asked me to meet up with him crying and holding onto me telling me how much he had changed he done this twice and the second time I felt my resolve weaken.

I have let him come back I lost the new man I was seeing and a lot of my family too are not talking to me.

Now he is back he's said he realizes what he's like in the past and will change he's bought me a car booked me a holiday and other nice treats that he would not ever usually do even in the past.

I can feel him watching me though watches me every move even when I go in the bath he comes in a few times or sits upstairs while I'm in there.

He said he's never going to shout at me again and he realised what he has now. He never wanted to marry me before now he's saying he wants me to be his wife and get married he's put me all over his Facebook so everyone can see we are together again.

He's messaged my mom saying how much he loves me and is changing and knows how he was in the past. He cries a lot about things and constantly asks me if I still love him.

In my mind I want to believe he has changed but I feel once again that I can not breath he said I can go out with friends and do what I want and have a life but deep down I know he doesn't mean this.

He keeps talking about a baby together and asking when we can start trying but I already have children and don't want anymore my youngest of four years old in a few months and I'm done with baby's he never mentioned it much before but now he wants me to get pregnant as soon as possible. He's been back a week and hasn't stepped out of line apart from asking constant reassurance and texting me most of the day saying he misses me etc. He also is asking for sex a lot more this he used to do he wants it all the time it i say I'm tired he kind of moans or goes in a sulk.

I wanna believe him but I feel so trapped once again I was so happy this time and changed when he left I felt like me again after all these years and all of that is gone now and it's my own fault.

I'm just venting and asking has he really changed

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I think you answered your own question in the last paragraph. And you also said he is monitoring your every move!!!! Controller!! You lost family and friends by going back to him??! Huge red flag! You're addicted to him. He's your booze!

Test him! Go out with friends and see what happens!

The marriage and baby are a HUGE red flag of BPD entrapment!!! He wants sex all the time because he's trying to get you pregnant so you will forever be tethered to his crazy a**! Run baby! Run for the hills!!!

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I said I'm out next month for my friends bday and he's like go I don't mind because I'm

Here and I know what time your home etc and keeps making me swear on the children's lives that I won't cheat on him. I can't get pregnant as I have the coil but he's asking me when we can try and keeps bringing it up daily but then says no pressure whenever your ready. Doesn't feel that way

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Words don't equal his actions. He's SAYING you can go to your friends birthday but when the time comes you'll see if he means it or not. Test him sooner than a month from now. Make plans with friends this weekend.

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I can't get pregnant as I have the coil but he's asking me when we can try and keeps bringing it up daily but then says no pressure whenever your ready.

He SAYS no pressure but he is pressuring you! Example of "actions speak louder than words."

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Don't go by his words. Go by how you feel. Your post said it all. Read it back. You know he hasn't changed. I'm sorry that you have to go through this.

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Maybe he just changed tactics because aggression stopped working and silent treatment stopped working

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Maybe he just changed tactics because aggression stopped working and silent treatment stopped working

You are a wise woman. Trust your judgement.

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I second what Bennu just said.

Trust your gut/intuition. It's already telling you that something isn't right here.

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Hi little bear.

I'm sorry you are going through this. This man has no respect for you what so ever! You broke up with him and started seeing someone new and he demanded to know who it is. It is none of his business! You are an individual human being. You are in control of your own life and he cannot tell you what to do, think, or feel. In regards to going out with your friends, that is your right to go out with them unobstructed as well whether you are only dating or if you are married. If you do not want anymore kids then he should respect that.

You are seeing all of this but I think you have stockholm syndrome. Google it and educate yourself.

Last Summer I started seeing this guy. It was like a magnet brought us together all of a sudden. We had been friends for over 14 years and had never felt that way. I was completely obsessed with him for a while even though I knew he was bad for me. It took a couple of months to shake the spell but I did. He disgusts me now. IMO you have the same thing going on. This guy has a magic spell on you that won't let you emotionally leave although you are physically ready to leave.

I see so many flags in the above post including buying you expensive gifts. He is trying not to lose his possession, meaning you. You are the equivalency of a toaster to him. He makes you do what he wants and when you don't work to his liking he beats up on you verbally and emotionally because you failed to toast his bread properly.

Please be careful about pregnancy. Even with an IUD you can still get pregnant or have an ecoptic pregnancy.

You are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope that things become clearer for you.

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Thankyou everyone no I've had him back in more trapped than I have ever been as I feel I can't end it again. I feel so stupid I met someone who was so respectful and caring to me he made me see sense in some way.

My partner has already called me today said I don't seem as loving anymore can k go back to how I was before just leave me be for gods sake :-(

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Is he going to counselling?

Meetings for Abusers?

Take care of you.......

I have been on here before it was very hard to get away from my abusive partner. He walked out on me again two months ago after weeks of verbal and emotional abuse I always had him back in the past he even had me begging him to come back during those times.

This time however I was so relieved he had gone I was able to do what I wanted and see my friends he kept trying to contact me with his usual tactics of blaming me but I knew it was all him. I even met someone else during this time who treated me so nice compared to my ex he actually treated me with respect.

When my ex contacted me I told him i had met someone now but obvs he couldn't let that happen. He drove by the house asking who's car was outside and text and called me all the time.

In the end he asked me to meet up with him crying and holding onto me telling me how much he had changed he done this twice and the second time I felt my resolve weaken.

I have let him come back I lost the new man I was seeing and a lot of my family too are not talking to me.

Now he is back he's said he realizes what he's like in the past and will change he's bought me a car booked me a holiday and other nice treats that he would not ever usually do even in the past.

I can feel him watching me though watches me every move even when I go in the bath he comes in a few times or sits upstairs while I'm in there.

He said he's never going to shout at me again and he realised what he has now. He never wanted to marry me before now he's saying he wants me to be his wife and get married he's put me all over his Facebook so everyone can see we are together again.

He's messaged my mom saying how much he loves me and is changing and knows how he was in the past. He cries a lot about things and constantly asks me if I still love him.

In my mind I want to believe he has changed but I feel once again that I can not breath he said I can go out with friends and do what I want and have a life but deep down I know he doesn't mean this.

He keeps talking about a baby together and asking when we can start trying but I already have children and don't want anymore my youngest of four years old in a few months and I'm done with baby's he never mentioned it much before but now he wants me to get pregnant as soon as possible. He's been back a week and hasn't stepped out of line apart from asking constant reassurance and texting me most of the day saying he misses me etc. He also is asking for sex a lot more this he used to do he wants it all the time it i say I'm tired he kind of moans or goes in a sulk.

I wanna believe him but I feel so trapped once again I was so happy this time and changed when he left I felt like me again after all these years and all of that is gone now and it's my own fault.

I'm just venting and asking has he really changed

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Trust that trapped, sinking feeling in your gut.

He has not changed. He will not change. This is all a big elaborate hoover, trying to suck you back in.

There's no rule or obligation that, just because you went back, you can't break back up with him. You can. You can do whatever you want. It:s your life. You get to choose who you want to be with...if anyone.

You can end it again. You don't even need to have a discussion. You don't need to explain, rationalize, justify or get him to "understand" or agree. You can just get up, say, "Nope, I'm not doing this again," and walk away.

And you can tell him (via note or email or text if you want) that you have made up your mind, you are not changing your mind, and you do not want him to contact you anymore in any way whatsoever.

You can set yourself free again.

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This is what I saw during our separation when we were supposedly trying to make things better. He complained about me, which was one of our major issues to begin with. He OVER anaylized every tiny move I made and I found myself having to explain and justify dumb little things. Like, I invited myself to his house to eat the soup I had cooked the day before and that turned into a 10 min conversation on how that hurt his feelings!!! Me asking to come up for soup HURT HIS FEELINGS. So I know by this that if I go back the torment will be worse. And getting away again will be even harder. I think you are realizing this too. It's not too late. Start your escape plan. Distance yourself and cut contact.

I went no contact (blocked him in my phone) and we are married with a young adult child. You can do this!

If you're still unsure, research abuse, control, and maybe codependency in books and online. This, and the ladies here on this board were my motivation to make the hard decisions.

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Bear I'm so sorry you have to go through this but try not to feel too guilty. Take stock of today's situation without worrying too much about what you may or may not have done "wrong" in the past which wasn't wrong anyway as you were hoovered back in by someone going to extreme lengths to reel you back in - it's very hard resisting that sort of pull. If you keep worrying about having made a mistake in the past then your response to "fix" that mistake will be to stay with him, and I think deep down you really don't want to do that. Take it one step at a time. You've done it before and you can do it again. You don't mention your living situation (living together or not? renting together? are you in your own house/apartment or in his? or something else?) In practical terms if you don't live together you can stop contact now. Text him saying you don't want to see him anymore and for him to stop contacting you. And then go no contact. If you are living together then you need to take another route. But ... you are not married. You don't have to keep seeing him. Do not have a baby or even risk getting pregnant in any way or form. The biggest mistake is thinking he has changed. From what it looks like to me he is more entrenched than ever in wanting his toaster back.

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Thankyou everyone no I've had him back in more trapped than I have ever been as I feel I can't end it again.

You can do it. If you give us details, we can help with suggestions.

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Littlebear

I am also sorry your having to go through this. He knows exactly what to say and do to entice you and to pull at your heart. I would say that there is a chance he is trying, but him trying to get you pregnant to me is just a way to trap you again. If you marry him he knows it will be more difficult for you to leave. I'm sorry their thinking is different from ours. Watching you while you go to the bath is more of a keeping an eye on what you are doing. I believe he wants to make sure you are not contacting the other guy. Asking for constant reassurance isn't a healthy way for him to act, that is going over board. He may miss you some, but I would bet it is a tactic to keep an eye on you. Even if he wants to it can take a long time to change. By the way he is acting, I would say he is not going to treat you very good.

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