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Vanilli

Where did people go after abuse?

17 posts in this topic

Hi everyone. I'm so stuck - I really don't know where to go or what to do. I feel like I am ready to leave, after months of processing, coming to terms with the reality - that he is abusive and won't change and now I feel ready. But I feel kind of paralyzed and stuck. All my friends in the city we live are mutual friends... and there is no one I am super close to. I'd rather leave because I honestly want to get a clean break and not have to deal with him or his family and our friend's reactions to the situation. I know it might sound bad, but one of our mutual friends said that I was being too sensitive and another jokes about abuse even though she's a supposed feminist - this stuff hurts me and makes me feel like they won't get it and won't believe in my pain and my right to go - which I don't want to deal with. I enjoy my friends company but they aren't people I am super close with, and I could explain myself in time to them but I don't want to be having to explain it to them when I am freshly out - if I say he is abusive he will just twist everything and draw me into drama and having to defend myself when I just want to move on and he will use them to send messages to me or get in contact with me and I can't deal with it.

Some of my work is RIGHT next to where he works in the city we live in currently and we will very likely cross paths on lunchtime hours. Basically I just want to leave and get away but I feel stressed out...

I don't feel like I have any support systems, I have friends but no super close girlfriends I can talk to a lot about it - they are more friends I meet up with and chat to rather than call when I am having a bad day. I feel stressed and bad because I feel like I am going to be alone and have to deal with all these painful feelings by myself. I worry about my ability to make new friends, in a new place when I will be going through such a difficult, heart breaking emotional time, after we have broken up. I just feel like I won't be able to deal with it and I feel like I have no one to talk to properly about it because I am not super close to anyone.

I then feel a bit paralyzed about deciding where to move - there are so many options and I fear if I will be okay financially (I am a freelance writer but I have just started work and don't make a consistent income)

I also feel stressed about what to say to him or how to handle it. I know I have every right to leave but I feel a bit bad about it and I feel like everyone will think I've done something awful by just upping and leaving.

Alternatively, I could stay in the city I am in now and try really hard to build some new relationships so I have a support system but a big part of me just wants to get away from him, here and all the people we know because I worry I might go back or run into people and not be able to deal with it. I also don't want to deal with all of their emotional reactions and resistance to our breaking up. I guess I just feel so stressed out and unable to make a decision and all alone and like no one knows what I am going through.

Am I overestimating all the negatives of everything and underestimating my ability to deal with the future?

I suppose I should just stay here and deal with it, I do like this city... I guess a new start would have just been nice :) but might be a big overhaul. I can't really figure out what to do at all.

Please someone advise me! For people who got out - where did you go? Was it really emotionally hard? What do I do? :(

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I have all the same questions. I decided to work on present friendships and stay here for now. I may decide to leave later, or I may need to leave to get work. This is all going to be very difficult. It would be so much easier to fix the relationship, but I know that's not possible.

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Hi Vanilli.

You are bringing up some very valid concerns about your exit strategy.

I was able to stay in the area and he actually ended up leaving which was a relief - I don't have to worry about running into him at all and if he for some reason cam back to town I think I would be warned by my friends who are married to his friends.

I have great friends here but it didn't help with finding a place to stay at when leaving. They were all too afraid that he would go after them and so was I so I didn't even ask. So I do believe it is "not safe" to go with someone that he could think of. And to go with friends to the both of you is probably the worse - they will be very uncomfortable in that situation and pretty much have to "pick side" and you won't know if they are on yours or his until later. I am also using the "not safe" as emotionally for you - to lure you back.. you want to be set in concrete so he can't drag you back lol

I welcome you to come and stay at my little apartment for a while if you want to, until you feel a little stronger. I live outside of Philadelphia. My offer is real and you are welcome to as long as you know my place is tiny and I have a dog.

Other options are family? Friends from your home town?

I went home for 10 days when I first left just because I had no where to go. Then when I came back I still had no where to go so I stayed in a hotel for 10 days. I finally found a temporary place until I got myself some strength to get an apartment on my own. You can also always check with the local DV center. They may have a place for you. Have you checked craigslist for room mates?

Hugs!

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I went exactly where I wanted to. I really didn't think of him at all at that decision. I found a place that I liked, that was close enough to my daughters' school and my workplace, with a park to walk my dog nearby, safe and green.

I have no contact with friends that were more his than mine. It was fast clear who those were - they haven't contact me since the break-up. And that's fine with me. I have a couple of mine and I really don't need a bunch of them.

Just stick to what, who and where you feel good and drop everything else.

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Thanks so much guys for your support - I really needed some ^_^ and it helped so much :)!

Thanks so much Lilirose - your reply warmed my heart and made me feel reassured and happier about it all. Thanks so much for your offer - that's so kind of you! But I'm actually far away - in the UK :D:P.

Thanks Bennu for your reply :). I'm sorry you're struggling with this too - it sucks! But I really appreciate someone understands what I'm struggling with. Let me know how all your planning goes.

Hey Diamonds - thanks for the reply :). You're right - I should focus on WHAT I WANT and where I'll be most happy :)!!

I've found a couple of girls who sound really cool who id love to move in with. They seem really fun and are my age so it would be great to have a girls house - NO MEN for me for a long while!

The only thing I worry about is that our neighbourhoods are right next to each other and one dog I sit is right near his work!! I haven't run in to him yet at lunch (I didn't mention I worked there) and tend to time it in the middle of the lunch hour so he's not likely to be there. I'm just scared it's not enough distance!! What if I run into him at work or on a night out with my new housemates? Our neighbourhoods are literally on each other's doorstep! And I'm scared I'll struggle with the break up and trauma bonding and get pulled back in - in which case maybe I should move to a part of town far away that I can't easily get to his from? Then that way I can't do anything without thinking and I won't bump into him and get messed up or sucked back in!

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Good Day,

If you have kids you will need to put them in the equation. Having that said I choose to move very far away. I know someone that is dealing with a similar situation and they are staying close. There is a silver lining to both. While it is difficult to handle the abuse. You can remove yourself from that abuse. My Son, however can not! So I still indirectly get abuse from the craziness he tries to place on me. The invisible F U finger of resistance will alway resist anything good. The advantage to being close is that you can call people to being civil and human. So there is a balance that starts to happen when you go after your relationships in a non-controlling healthy way. Be honest will your healing and move on and even have a point of healing where it is done and in the past. You give people a chance to heal with you. That is sometimes a lesson you do not want to miss because that inclusion does give you some ground and the abuser does have society that he/she can not control. Your a lot more free than you actually can see at the moment because of the control.

When you move to another town it is helpful because no one knows you. Then you have two options to just build and let everyone figure out as it comes along in time that you came from an abusive situation or tell them and heal with healthy people around you. As you heal they will know nothing of the previous pain you suffered. No reference to go by other than the feelings you give them. If your reflecting pain people do not know how to relate. If you are just being a good person people somehow see the pain anyways. It is a healing process and you can escape parts of that.

I chose to leave my city, my state and even my country. Because I was threatened with a gun the first three years of our marriage. I choose to forgive that but that image of abuse will alway stay in my head. So while I forgave that I did not give him permission to continue to try and manipulate and bully me. Even on the other side of the world the abuser still finds a way to be horrible. Even using emotional distance with my child to try and create emotional wounds so at a later date he can fill those holes with his plans for hate and revenge. The advantage you give yourself in freedom you also give your abuser to withhold and threaten. They can alway pull the antis. It hurts and is painful. I picked my spot because I knew it would be enough space that in order for him to sink me he would have to make it an international incident. It took one letter from a lawyer for my EX to figure that out and it was a leverage cost to that he had to accept.

I accept that I could not see my abuser coming. I accept I married him and he has a nature that I do not want to live with. This will be something that will be in my life forever even after being divorced but it's ability to touch my soul and control me died with the marriage. The death of the marriage and separation was enough of a payment. No more need to be taken. They should be happy and move on but they are abusers. When you give them their freedom to go find love they also try to take you out with the people around you. It hurt him too to not have me to bully anymore. I can image how he had to cover his tracks to regain himself. Sometimes when you open with people he can use that against you because they are spin doctors. Where they can not fully spin is sometimes you have concrete proof. Like money stolen from a account and the description is seen. A love letter. Asking you to take on a financial cost to screw you later letter. Cards where he wrote things and then direct action of opposite proof. Every once in a while you get a carrot to create doubt of his story. Hold on to those. People have a obligation to not be liers and well if he has recruited liers that do not ask you truth. Let those stupid people be called out. You do not have to do so in a ugly name calling way. More like are you serious quit being silly and blind. So you can find your strength.

What shame! You do not have shame to fear anyone. His lack of being human is a failed marriage. You were always part of the equation and still are. Women have moved away and still do not feel safe. Think about the type of abuse he gives you. Then you should know once you look into yourself ask how can I heal and what do I need. It is not a selfish question at all. If it says I will have peace in another town then move and if it says to stay and call a spade a spade then you will find your eternal strength. When you heal you do find it anyway. You know when that word NO is told to the abuser. They do everything in their power to break you down again. So you have to try and separate yourself from them and know your free. Free to heal and free to not be controlled.

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Vanilli, you know, if you will run to him occasionally, it is not such a big deal. I know it feels like it now, but when you'll be out, you'll start seeing him very differently, from a distance, more realistically. And all you'll see is a pathetic human being. You won't fear him any more, you'll feel strong. And if you'll run into him, you'll just say "Hi" and move further. You don't have to talk to him.

It'd be different if you'd have to have regular contacts with him, but that's really not the case in your situation. You can handle possible incidental contact with him, if it happens, don't let the fear of that prevent you from getting what you want. And living with the girls sounds like so much fun :)

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Thanks so much guys!!! I'm not scared of retaliation or anything. It's more like I just have been with him 5 years - I have loved him soooo much. He's been so loving and affectionate most of the time so my big fear is that I would get sucked back in! Even though I know he has that self-involved self underneath. I don't want to deal with people pressurising me into getting back with him. But I'm sure I'll be alright :)

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Well you should distance yourself from people who'll try to get you back to him. They will only cause you to self doubt and to hurt and that's the last thing you need.

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LOL.. ok.. very well then.

I believe staying in the UK is probably better for you.. :)

Are you moving along with moving in with the girls you were talking about?

hugs

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I had just moved to a new city when I left my ex husband. I think knowing I would be free of the drama you mention helped me do it. For me, it helped to be in a new city, away from mutual friends. In my case he actually lived in the same city but it was still the new environment and being able to start a new life that helped me. I now have a very strong support system here that really helped when I left a recently abusive ex. So only you know what's right for you, but I personally recommend moving away to start over if you have the means to do so and no strong ties where you are now. Just if you do do that, really make sure you build a strong support system in the new place so you don't get isolated. There's things like meetup.com that can help you find friends with mutual interests and so on. Again only you can decide if that's right for you. But for me I was very lucky to be in a new place where I could start over.

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Vanilli,

For me, I have no choice but to move away, as I can't afford to live here on my own. But also, having been sucked back in myself a number of times, I think being far away will be a big benefit for me. I look forward to a real clean start. Being sucked back in, or even just more easily harassed, is a very real issue. Happens all the time.

As MorningGlory said, if you have kids, that's a huge consideration, & you should discuss this with an attorney before you make your decision because there are possible ramifications if you move away.

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Hi guys! Thanks for your replies. I've decided to stay where I am as I have my work and might be tight and financially scary to go some place else. I have just signed up for volunteering and want to sign up for classes and I'm going to meet ups so hopefully my support system will develop beyond our mutual friends and make the move out easier for me :). It's also easier to move my stuff. I also doubt I'll run into him as we work different hours and I know his haunts and will block contact so not too worried. And if any of our mutual friends want to hang out I'll just say only under the condition that they don't try to talk to me about getting back with him. I know I'll be vulnerable and miss him a lot at first so I have to lay down what is and isn't okay from other people and hopefully he won't find a way to contact me.

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You said " I know I'll be vulnerable and miss him a lot at first so I have to lay down what is and isn't okay from other people and hopefully he won't find a way to contact me." I think it's great that you realize this. It'll help you be strong later. It's easy to think you're so angry & "done" that nothing can get you off track, but these guys are master manipulators & they'll try every trick in the book. The more you remember that, the more empowered and strong in your resolve you'll be.

Your post sounded very strong and confident, & I'm happy you've made your decision, & especially that you're "mingling" & starting to build your new life. YAY!!!!!

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Went to parents. Was very difficult for all of us

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I went a lot of places...............some good, some bad, some exciting, some dangerous, and some, well, just an escape from reality, but not really healing...and as of recently, some really, really healthy and happy. It's been a long journey....

I wish we could visit.......face to face, or at least voice to voice. I'd love to Skype with you.........emails are too freaking slow and get lost in the plethora of corrispondence I get and as I still trigger a LOT....I don't chime in here on the boards like I would like to.

I lost your last email before I responded. Please, contact me again......

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Thanks guys! I guess I'm just waiting for the right flat to come up - I hope I'll be alright! xx

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