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lemondrop

New here & confused about tumultuous relationship

37 posts in this topic

I left. Staying in hotels and in the process of getting my stuff out and getting my own apartment. Realized he's never going to change.

I never threatened him or anything like that, but I did say stuff in the last few weeks I don't think I should've just out of anger and hurt and frustration that being nice to him just didn't work. Things like saying he was an a-hole, that I hated him, that he did nothing for me, things like that. Maybe he deserved it to some extent but I still hate being a person who is wanting to hurt someone else with my words, no matter what they've done to me. It makes me feel very bad about myself and makes me wonder if I'm just as at fault. But I know that's not true, because I was repeatedly nice and caring to him for months, as he escalated more and pushed my boundaries further and further. He got like that and far worse when I did nothing wrong, whereas I didn't (and still never crossed lines into threatening or getting physical) until I had been silenced and threatened over and over and felt beyond trapped. I still hate that I didn't leave before I got that angry, but I keep trying to tell myself that that didn't cause the abuse, since the abuse started long before that and he honestly was the most abusive when I was being relatively calm. So nothing I could've done would've changed him, because I did try just about every approach possible, good and bad, and nothing made his behavior better.

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(((Lemondrop)))

I'm glad to hear that you've left your bf. He is pretty scary.

Please don't feel bad about yourself. When someone has been abused for a long time, they often strike out verbally or physically (it's called reactive abuse).

There is no pleasing an abuser and no way to change his behavior. All you can do is to take care of yourself and begin rebuilding your life.

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Yeah... I just don't get why abusive people are the only ones I feel comfortable around. All the guys that are nice (I assume so anyway), that I try to date, I never feel comfortable with and never open up to and so things never go anywhere. It's only the ones that end up acting dysfunctional and out of control that I can feel comfortable around, and so I always end up with them. It's getting so discouraging. It's not even like I grew up that way. My mom had some anger issues and was controlling/isolated me, but never hit me or even called me names. My dad was strict but never abusive at all. I can't figure out why I'm so incapable of connecting to anyone that's not abusive in one way or another 😞

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Hi Lemondrop,

Big hugs!! It takes massive strength to leave an anusive situation - I'm relived for you because he sounded very out of control. Don't feel like you are bad for reactive abuse - I've slapped my bf when he hair something really horrific and called him names, told him I hated him. I did I felt so angry, upset and in pain that he'd let me down again. I had been so kind, loving and patient and he had done this awful painful thing to me YET AGAIN. Of course we were going to lash out, we were hurt, pushed to the edge and feeling desperate. The difference is that we don't and never would hurt skmeone repeatedly who never did anything to us, but because we couldn't see their humanity and wanted to control them.

I understand feeling that way! Nice gets just often like frustrate me or don't hold my interest, anything a bit quirky or cringey or overly passive just really grates on me. Sometimes I feel like it's because they are a safe person so all the anger I stuffed inside and was too afraid to express to bf, got directed at them or maybe it's just they have a nice facade and I don't tryst what is going on underneath...

I think it's okay to be like that and kind of natural - just because you don't like overly passive softies doesn't mean you ONLY like abusers. You just haven't found the middle way guys - who have a more tough, engaging personality without the unkindness. I also feel like though we do have to recognise the patterns for us.

For me, I realise I get drawn to people who are a challenge ahd who present a hard to win over "I don't like you" front. Noticing this impulse, I steer away from these people when I feel myself getting drawn in. Even though your parents weren't abusive per se - I think honestly anger and control and isolation still counts but it's just not as extreme - your parents treated you in such a way that you felt defective or not fully loved and good enough, the childhood pain and inferiority is still in you - maybe on the surface or buried deep in side and you get strongly drawn to such men because you want to resolve those issues - you want to command those people and prove to them your loveablensss that you never felt you could as a child. Basically you're looking for love from your parents.

For me, I also get drawn to these people because I want to beat them, to win by being the person who educates them they are wrong and has the power to because of their love for me. It's me trying to take back my strength and independence that was taken from me when I was younger and the control my mum had over me as a kid.

You have to be aware of such things in yourself so you can work on your feelings of self worth and so you can check yourself when you're getting drawn to people who show warning signs. You deserve better than that!

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Congrats on leaving Lemondrop!! :)

That was a big step and I am glad you did it so fast! He was getting scary.

Yeah... I just don't get why abusive people are the only ones I feel comfortable around. All the guys that are nice (I assume so anyway), that I try to date, I never feel comfortable with and never open up to and so things never go anywhere. It's only the ones that end up acting dysfunctional and out of control that I can feel comfortable around, and so I always end up with them. It's getting so discouraging. It's not even like I grew up that way. My mom had some anger issues and was controlling/isolated me, but never hit me or even called me names. My dad was strict but never abusive at all. I can't figure out why I'm so incapable of connecting to anyone that's not abusive in one way or another

I don't think I have the "right" answer here... but if I get to guess wildly I would say something in line of this:

- You thrive on helping people. You love the idea of "fixing" someone. Getting someone to a better place by showing them what love is and can be...

When this is your nature - you end up spotting those troubled souls... Just because you are so NICE! (sucks to be nice doesn't it.. )

I also think that when we are somewhat broken ourselves (could be from previous abuse or anything that has made us feel less) it is easier to try to help others than to take the time needed to help ourselves. (by the way sex, booze and rock n'roll are not advised self-help techniques :P)

Then, on a unconscious level maybe it makes you feel better to be with someone that is a little bit more "messed up" than you are. And it is more comfortable being the less messed up person in the room... Being with a kind, successful, handsome, I-got-my-stuff-taken-care-of kind of guy CAN be intimidating. As recent as yesterday I went on a first date with a guy I met online. He was dressed SO NICE and I thanked the angels for making me pick a dress instead of jeans which is my normal attire when I go on a date. It was the most expensive meals I have ever had.. I think - I didn't see the final bill. But I did think to myself that if this would have been 6 months ago I would have ran out of there thinking I didn't deserve to be in such a nice place with such a nice man...

I am learning still too... But I have started to accept that I also deserve to be treated well. Give me nice dinners, gifts, attention, kisses, cute text messages etc.. I deserve it all!! And so do you :)

You will find that a nice genuine guy will one day fill you with love you have never felt before and know that you deserve it..

Hugs

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Thanks :) I do think you're right that I have trouble with someone with not as many issues as me. I just worry I'll scare them off and never open up, and so it never goes anywhere. I think the only ones I open up to are the ones who seem like they wouldn't judge me because they're more messed up than me, if that makes sense.

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It does.. in a strange way. I totally get it. It is like if they are worse than us they have no right to judge us...

The reality though however, is that there are nice, loving men out there who have their shiit together that wouldn't mind being there for us.

They don't judge and they don't make you feel judged. A strong man is really what we need. Someone that despite our history can love and care for us. It takes a strong man to do that, not someone that has too many issues themselves that they won't even bother with ours.

Men are in general wired to care for their woman and it is a turn on for them to be allowed to. Even if it is just to lend their jacked to you if you get cold. They still like it. It makes them feel important.

Hugs

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I also think we get attracted to people we feel we deserve so in order to attract that good, kind man and filter out the dodgy ones - we have to be aware of ourselves and to work through our own issues and to love ourselves. So while I want a kind man who is sensitive to me - I won't be with one and don't want to until lve fully worked things through to the point where I don't need anyone else. I feel like it's the only way to make a smart choice. Research on relationships shows like attracts like - I think that's the only way I'll get there and the only way I'll feel comfortable in relationships anyway.

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Lemondrop,

I just read your story and I'm so glad you got out soon!! He's definitely dangerous!! As far as wondering why you end up with people like this, I know I say this all the time, but a good therapist can be really helpful. Also the domestic violence organization near you probably has counsellors you can see, or at least speak with on the phone. I'm so happy you're looking into this while you're young. Some of us here have been in very long term relationships with abusers much like yours. I've been in mine so long I'm embarrassed to say how long!! And my H is much like your BF. I can't believe it took me so long to face the truth. You did a very smart thing!!

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Thanks everyone for the support. Just an update... I decided to file a restraining order because he was still communicating with friends about me and finding subtle ways to harass me, and stole money from me as well, and I felt it was smarter to file now when it was still close to the abuse incidents and I had a stronger case to get one. I'm very nervous what his reaction will be though. A judge just signed for it to be served and I'm worried he'll react badly and at the very least make me go to court to contest it. 😕

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I think that is good news Lemondrop!

Please keep us updated on how it all went.

You did well in the process of protecting yourself from him. You definitely did the right thing for you.

Stay alert and pay attention.

Hugs

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Thanks. I'm still waiting to hear if it's been served yet. Not knowing has made me pretty anxious. I also keep doubting whether I was justified in doing it, since he hasn't contacted me directly recently. But he was sending pictures of me (the content I don't know) and the stuff that happened was definitely bad, and every time I've given him the benefit of the doubt before has proved I should not trust him. But I keep wondering if I did the right thing or not...

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