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lemondrop

New here & confused about tumultuous relationship

37 posts in this topic

So a quick history is that I'm in my mid twenties and previously had a marriage that was emotionally, psychologically, verbally, and sexually abusive. He never hit me but did threaten to harm me, so I suppose there was an aspect of physical abuse too. After 5 years I finally left and couldn't have been happier, but obviously had a lot of emotional trauma to deal with.

I stayed single for a good year and a half, not even dating men for about a year because I was so turned off by men. (I'm bi so I did date women but nothing really came of any of those interactions.)

For the last 4 months I've been in a relationship with a man I met through a mutual hobby. We just moved in together, which I had not planned to do so early, but I was uncomfortable with my roommate situation before this and it was the only way to afford a safe place to live without getting a roommate I didn't know well again.

Anyway, we've had a lot of problems. There were some red flags beforehand that I gave him the benefit of the doubt for, but most of the really noticeable problems began when we signed the lease (much before we moved in there due to the situation).

My problem is, he does seem like he's trying, which is more than I can say for my ex. And he does take responsibility (although not as often or easily as I think he should). But I just don't know how to tell what's normal anymore. I don't know if I really am overreacting and things bother me more because of my past, or if that's an attempt by him to gaslight me for instance. I also feel stuck because he'd have to let me off the lease if I wanted to leave, which he does have the money to pay all the rent if I left, but he's many times refused to do when I threaten to leave/tell him we need to find a different roommate instead of me.

So as to what he's done that causes problems... He gets very angry over what I think are little things. Like my tone of voice. Or he gets jealous for no reason (which he admits later is unreasonable but when I get mad about it or call him out on it he gets more angry rather than apologize then). He'll give me the silent treatment if he thinks I have a bad attitude when I want to talk to him about something. He once wouldn't let me in the house because I was annoyed with him for snapping at me because I asked him too many questions that he wouldn't answer about a simple thing. Very small things get escalated into huge fights.

The last few weeks I've started to lose it. I fight back verbally and will yell, tell him I don't want to be with him, etc. I don't want to be that person but it's hard when I've been being the subject of his anger for so long. He says I overreact to him getting angry, and I'm not sure if that's true, but to me he has no right to get angry over these things in the first place.

He also did some more serious things now and then. He's called me names which he admits is wrong but has done it multiple times. One night after him getting jealous and me getting mad and it escalating, he left and threatened to damage my laptop he had in his vehicle. I sent messages saying he had no right to and that I had better get it back by the time I had to go to work (which I have to have it for) or I'd call the cops. He then sent me texts calling me horrible names and threatening to hurt me. He later said he was showing me "what abuse actually was" and that I should stop saying he was so horrible for the things I called him out on before that. Even though he knows I've been treated like that before. I would've left him but I'm trapped in the lease. Turns out he had put my laptop in my car so never had any intention of damaging it.

He also has sort of gotten physical with me but I'm not sure if it counts as such or whether to be worried. He's held me down when we fight to try and "hug me" to fix the argument. Even when I'm crying and begging him to let me go. One time it left a small bruise on my wrist and it worsened the issues I've been having with my wrist. I've gotten so upset about it that he hasn't done it lately. But idk if he was trying to hurt me or if he just thought "holding me" really would fix it. He also once threw my bags at me before we moved in and told me to leave, but later claimed the room was dark and he didn't know they'd land on me. He claims he'd never hit me and acts like I'm so paranoid to ever be afraid of him after this.

But other times he is very nice to me, does things for me, and lots of other people say he obviously really is into me (I haven't told anybody this stuff.) our mutual friends think he's explosive and hard to deal with, but other people he knows thinks he's great to me. And maybe he is. I'm just so confused. I don't mind working through problems and I have seen him change some behaviors, but I also don't want to be abused again. I also don't know how much I really contribute to, and whether I blow things out of proportion or not. He says I do, but my perception is I didn't challenge him at first and gave him the benefit of the doubt and now I'm losing it because so much hurt has built up. An example is during a fight the other night he locked me out of the bedroom. I was already very upset, and started banging on the door screaming and crying at him to let me in so I could get my stuff/go to bed. I felt so awful and worthless being locked out like that. He claimed I was "scaring him" even though I've never threatened him in any way, yet he has me. He finally let me in and later when we made up claimed I had no right to "hit the door", even though I was locked out and pay rent to live there just like he does.

Any insight or opinions? It's not as easy as leaving because of the lease and I've of course focused on the bad stuff. But does it really sound like I need to change my behavior or things I'm doing? I know I shouldn't get so upset or yell back or threaten to leave all the time. But I never did this until he just kept hurting me and nothing else I tried worked. I feel like a bad person but I don't know what I can change without letting him control the relationship. I know getting angry back isn't good, but setting boundaries calmly generally makes him madder, and I feel trapped because of the lease, and I just have no idea what to do. 😔

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It really does sound like he's abusive. Holding you down is physical abuse! You haven't been involved with him very long and he's already calling you names, threatening to destroy your property, holding you down and picking fights over little things. It will get worse if you stay!

Of coarse he's nice part of the time-otherwise you wouldn't have anything to do with him.

But a person who cares about you will not call you names, will treat you with respect and definitely not throw things at you! And when there is a disagreement, will sit down and calmly solve the problem.

Call your local domestic violence center-they often have resources and can certainly provide you with some support. And may know someone who can help you sort out things with the lease.

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Knowing how you have been treated before should make a normal human careful to avoid anything that could concern or trigger things for you. It doesn't sound like that's even on his radar.

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Welcome lemondrop!

Your situation does sound abusive, from what you've written. I agree with percolate: holding you down, even if it's for a "hug" is physical abuse, and unfortunately, the longer you stay in a relationship where physical abuse has happened, the more likely it is to happen again.

Your personal wellbeing and safety are the top priority. Many of us here in abusive situations stay out of fear of not knowing where to go, if we'll have enough money, etc., but the reality of it is that there are always options and always solutions to get out, if you feel like that's what you need to do. A DV center would help you if you needed some immediate advice. The lease is something he can take care of and you wouldn't have to worry about, if you choose to leave.

You mention you feel he is changing. You also worry that some of it could be you. I can empathize with this, as I'm in a marriage where my H (I call him Mr. BS) claims to have changed and also claims that I'm the one with the problem now because he has changed and I'm still depressed (which, ironically, is abusive of him to say--blame-shifting is abusive). Because there is no clear cut dividing line between abusive and non-abusive that I'm aware of, or that line becomes very foggy while you are still in a situation with abuse, what you feel becomes the best indicator of what you are really living.

Are you afraid of him? Do you feel threatened? Are you unhappy and can't quite pinpoint why? Are you feeling confused, foggy, guilty, depressed, and unusually tired? These can all be indicators that you are in an abusive situation, even if at times things seem to being going well. Abusers are skilled at attacking on covert levels, using other more subtle tactics beyond the standard ones like yelling, name-calling, etc. From what it sounds like, he has shown overt abuse already, so you already know that he has the potential to abuse. As to whether or not he can change, unfortunately the chances with abusers are quite low.

I hope you can keep posting. There are so many compassionate people here who can help you sort through this.

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It sounds like a very abusive situation to me. Most cities have some sort of legal aid agency. You should go for advice about the lease, explaining that it is a domestic violence situation. Holding you down definitely qualifies for that. The hugging you to calm you down crap is BS. Locking you out of your own place is crap. You should phone the cops on him the next time he does something like that. My Eeyore uses that same method of comparing something he does with something that I do except that there is no comparison. Maybe from their perspective it really does seem the same, but any normal person would see one as far worse than the other. Plus, I don't act that way with anyone else, it is his bad behavior that brings it out in me. I get tired of being treated like crap and I respond to that. Any normal person does. They respond to stuff that any normal person would see as normal. You haven't been in long, you are young, get out and don't do what I did.

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Thank you for the replies. I'll respond more later. But it escalated very badly tonight. Held me down a lot, forced me into the shower and also the closet to corner me to force me to "talk to him". Also pushed me. He's extremely remorseful and taking full responsibility now, but I'm numb and scared but maybe not as much as I should be. I think I've been hurt so much emotionally and sexually by my ex that physical stuff doesn't even seem that bad now. Idk what I'm going to do. The worst part is I didn't do anything remotely wrong. I disagreed with him and he said it was in a wrong way, and I kept asking what I did wrong and how was I supposed to talk to him about issues, and then he freaked out and started the yelling, and escalating it to what I described. I didn't even fight back other than refusing to go where he wanted. His son is over for the weekend and I didn't want to raise my voice when he was in the other room. But I guarantee he heard him yelling and acting out of control and me crying and even screamed at one point when he pulled my blanket and it caught against me. I'm just so shocked and he keeps apologizing over and over and saying it'll never happen again but idk how I can believe that.

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Lemondrop you can't believe that. Please don't try and make yourself believe it because you'll just mash your brain.

I want to give you a big hug. I'm so sorry that you are in this situation again. For all of us who have got out this is our worst nightmare. But you got out once and you can get out again.

X

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Lemon drop I'm so sorry. This sounds a horrible, scary thing to have to go through - especially when you've already been so traumatised from your ex. This guy sounds horrible - he's abusing you for really ridiculous things - you have a right to a voice - but he won't even tolerate anything you say - it's all a violation against him and his power. How damaging and restrictive. I know that feeling - the anger, frustration, feeling really trapped and then the pain and the hopelessness. To them we are just an extension of them - people close to them - are their things to be dominated. We don't have a right or will and we don't have a humanity to be respected. Their minds are so sick and warped and self involved.

It scares me that he is so abusive when you have just got together - abuse gets worse - and their seems to be no reasoning with this guy - he only feels bad afterwards. He's very controlling and sees the slightest thing you say as being against him - and that you're like a naughty child to be punished and dominated. It's chilling to read. How will he be over the next year? Or the next 5 years? He's going to get worse and more and more dangerous.

Have you read Why Does He Do That? It's a really good, supportive resource. And he talks about all the warning signs of abusers and how they work.

I know it's so tempting to feel and believe that the guy is going to change. He's crying, he's sorry, he's full of remorse. Well wait to see it happen again and again - if you were remorseful and truly had empathy would you do that again and again? What kind of person would even do the things he's done and put you in such pain and treat you with such disrespect?

Please get as much support as possible. I'm sure the lease can be worked out as others have mentioned.

Please keep posting here - what you see is real and it's not your fault, he's deeply disturbed and he will continue to be no matter who he is with (think about it - you haven't even done anything - voiced some opinions, tried to talk - like a normal person would and he's choosing to abuse you for it? Very sick and undeserved)

You're really strong to have gotten out ahd you can do it again!

*big hugs*!

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He sounds very dangerous. If he would do all that with his son nearby, imagine he might have done if you two had been alone. I think that you need to leave now and get advice about the lease later. Gather up as many of your things as you can and get out of there. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this again. It must be so discouraging. Gather your strength, you can get out of this.

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Lemondrop, the sudden escalation in physical abuse is very worrying. I think it would be a good idea for you to contact a DV center and ask for advice and assistance ASAP.

His remorse doesn't mean anything, frankly. It's typical for abusers to cycle like that, be or act remorseful, go through an apologetic or "honeymoon" period, even. That's the "cycle of abuse."

You cannot trust he won't do it again. He will do it again, and he's getting worse, so I would strongly advise you to get out ASAP.

In the meantime though, because he is escalating, I would suggest doing whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe. He worries me a lot. I think he's dangerous. So in other words, if you need to "pretend" that everything is okay in order to keep yourself safe..... and not threaten to leave, not engage with him... But the fact that he went ballistic over nothing clearly means you can't control his behaviors, either.

I'm sorry, but I don't mince words when I sense danger. :( I feel like this one could go south very suddenly, and I'm extremely worried for you. I'd like to strongly encourage you to get out ASAP. Lease or no lease. The lease can be dealt with later. Please don't let that be your trap... it's not more important than your health or safety.

Also, please document everything that's happening - writing it here is one way to do that, just so that you have a record of it... because in case you need to get a restraining order on him later.

I'd also strongly advise you to have a safety plan - a cell phone, some money, etc. and a place to go IN A HURRY - even if you don't have the keys to your car. (If he takes them, etc.)

In fact I'd advise you to keep a second cheap cell phone that he doesn't know about, on your person at all times - this is the type of guy who would keep you from making a 911 call if you needed to. I'm not trying to scare you unnecessarily, but I think you should be prepared that it might happen. It's happened to other members.

Also please don't hesitate to call the police if you feel unsafe, if he pushes/knocks you around like this again, etc. The things he's doing are not legal (false imprisonment, etc.) and you have a right to call for protection. I would advise if you feel unsafe to leave at the first sign. Just get out.

This is scary stuff... Please listen to your gut, it knows.

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Thank you for the replies everyone. I'm kind of depressed over this, so haven't really been able to respond to them one on one, but I really do appreciate it.

Yeah I suppose I should be more worried. I'm really upset over it, but for some reason less scared than with my ex. I think I will go to a service I have access to at my work on Monday (I work at a university) that helps with domestic violence stuff. I'm going to talk to them because I've seen them in the past for counseling regarding my ex, and I know they'll give me my options without forcing me to do anything.

It was extremely weird how fast he escalated last night. What happened in detail was I had a few days ago calmly brought up over text that I didn't like how I felt he had insulted my intelligence. He said we'd talk about it when he got off work. We didn't so last night I brought it up. He said he wasn't insulting me but we were "different kind of smart". I said I didn't like him labeling me and that's when he got angry, but he still can't explain why. He claims it was the way I said it, but I was pretty calm saying it. I've been sarcastic when I'm mad in the past, but this wasn't like that at all. He decided the conversation was over, which upset me because he often silences me that way and had promised to talk to me. I said some things (but not yelling or anything especially because of his son being in the next room) about how I didn't understand what the problem was, how was I supposed to bring anything up to him when I was currently being calm, etc, and that I need to trust him that I can talk to him when something bothers me without being silenced. He angrily kept telling me to shut up. I eventually started crying (I do that when frustrated). I could've just stopped talking I suppose, but i feel like it's letting him control me to do that. Then he got up and started yelling and cussing at me and pulling my blanket off me and that's when everything got out of control for the next hour or two with him holding me down, cornering me, not letting me out, grabbing me, and eventually pushing me. At one point I threatened to call the cops (although most of the time I was passive but crying and cowering and begging him to stop/let me out). He actually dialed 911 and kept telling me I better tell them what happened and how horrible he was. I was silent because I was so upset and knew it was some sort of game and really just wanted everything to stop and to go to sleep. He told them it was an accidental call then hung up. He also told me I should go get a hotel if I didn't want him so much and I told him I can't afford that and he angrily said he'd pay for it, which I didn't really believe because it made no sense. Then eventually he just stopped and apologized and took responsibility for everything. as we were going to sleep he kept telling me how bad he felt for pushing me even though I hadn't said anything more about it. The whole thing was kind of bizarre. But then again my ex was even more bizarre than that in his behavior, so not sure why I'm surprised.

I do have my own bank accounts and car if I need to leave. I worry about my pet lizard if I leave. He certainly wouldn't take care of him although he's never threatened to hurt him. Also the majority of the stuff in the house is mine, including a very expensive thing related to our mutual hobby, and he has threatened my things before. He also nearly tore my blanket last night multiple times trying to keep me from having it. I know I shouldn't worry about my stuff but I do. All his texts and fb messages are backed up on my computer (some of which are very threatening from him but also some of which I said things I regret, although I've never in any way threatened him or really attacked anything besides his behavior). I also have a picture of the bruise he left when he held me down about a month ago, although it's a very small bruise. So I do have a decent amount of documentation if I decide to use it.

I'm sorry, I know I'm being that person that complains but won't just leave. :/ Part of me hopes he really is trying to change and another part just doesn't want to risk the mess it'll be if I leave. He has been very willing to go to counseling, which surprised me, although I haven't gotten it set up yet. And he says he knows he's controlling and that I help him because all of his ex girlfriends never challenged him so it never got to this point with them but that was because he always got his way. (I have reason to believe it's true and I think it's because he had them financially dependent, which I never allowed him to do to me.) so part of me wants to think he will choose to change. But most of me thinks he won't but isn't quite ready to go through the mess of leaving so soon after we moved in together. But it's also scary how fast he's been escalating. Two months ago he hadn't even raised his voice at me. :/ I've considered telling mutual friends but I can't think of who to tell and I'm worried their reaction will be I need to leave now whether I choose to or not and that it could possibly lead to an actual fight if I tell the wrong person and they get too protective. (I'm one of the few girls in the hobby we have, and a lot of people have had problems with him but no one with me. So it's not a far fetched concern.) and I both don't want violence and also that'd likely set him off worse and make him accuse me of cheating, which is a huge sensitive spot for him because I guess exes have cheated on him (no reason to believe this is a lie and he doesn't have a habit of lying like my ex did but hard to tell).

Anyway maybe I'm overthinking it and just need to make a decision but no option sounds good 😔

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Welcome, Lemondrop :) Regarding your last post, think of it this way;

You: "What you said really hurt my feelings, I'm very upset about it."

Him: "Really? Wow, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. What did I say?"

versus

You: "What you said really hurt my feelings, I'm very upset about it."

Him: "What in the hell is your problem? Why do you always overreact?? What's the matter with you?" (in so many words)

A person who says 'what's your problem??' when you tell them you are hurt is being a JERK. That he doesn't immediately sit back and ask for more information, or at least apologize and explain himself, is classic abuser. He may not be as horrible as your ex, but who said you have to live with, tolerate, or put up with 50% abuse instead of 99%?

You are overthinking it -- we all do that <_<:) and you are right, you have a choice between really crappy and less crappy. It's crappy to go to a domestic violence service, tell your story, take their advice, answer their questions, and I haven't even mentioned MOVING OUT or whatever.

If you stay with him (and it's only been four months and he's acting like this??), you are guaranteed CRAPPY indefinitely. You already know it gets worse, not better. At least if you choose less crappy and endure the leaving/ending the relationship process, you will feel better relatively soon, and you'll move on. Gone are all these tumultuous painful emotions and confusion, just like having a tumor cut out. It's hard, it hurts, and then you can heal. If you stay, he'll just keep ripping you open, that's just how he is. I can't imagine what he'll be like in five years. What will YOU be like in five years of living with this?

Bink

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I do have my own bank accounts and car if I need to leave. I worry about my pet lizard if I leave. He certainly wouldn't take care of him although he's never threatened to hurt him.

You're only there 4 months? And he treats you like THAT??? Yikes! I only wish I had left after 4 months.....instead I am here 20 years, confused and wondering if the way he speaks to me is the way ALL guys speak to their wives, and wondering if ALL relationships are this confusing, and wondering if ALL guys are jerks sometimes, or are contrary sometimes, or play passive aggressive games, or give silent treatment.

He held you down. He PUSHED you into the shower??? That's physical abuse. That's a line in the sand, it's saying loud and clear that he's NASTY to you. I agree with Bink and the others......it isn't going to get BETTER, it's going to get worse (or at least stay the same, or maybe get more covert leaving you more confused).

Well, I still don't know the answer to those questions myself (is the other side greener)......but if I had it to do over again, I would not continue this relationship.

Just my humble opinion....

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said I didn't like him labeling me and that's when he got angry, but he still can't explain why. He claims it was the way I said it, but I was pretty calm saying it. I've been sarcastic when I'm mad in the past, but this wasn't like that at all. He decided the conversation was over, which upset me because he often silences me that way and had promised to talk to me. I said some things (but not yelling or anything especially because of his son being in the next room) about how I didn't understand what the problem was, how was I supposed to bring anything up to him when I was currently being calm, etc, and that I need to trust him that I can talk to him when something bothers me without being silenced. He angrily kept telling me to shut up. I eventually started crying (I do that when frustrated). I could've just stopped talking I suppose, but i feel like it's letting him control me to do that. Then he got up and started yelling and cussing at me and pulling my blanket off me and that's when everything got out of control

To me, it looks like you are sort of doing a bit of self-blaming, or thinking maybe you had a hand in what happened. As if - maybe it was your tone of voice? Maybe you were too sarcastic? Maybe it was because you got upset when he said the conversation was over? (The fact that you weren't yelling, to try to take the self-blame off yourself for that fact)... Maybe it was because you were crying? Maybe it was because "you could've just stopped talking"?

The reason I'm saying all that is because NONE OF HIS BEHAVIORS WERE YOUR FAULT. He was physically abusive. It was violence. Physical violence. You didn't do - or not do - anything that caused him to be that way. It is all 100% on him.

When a person is accustomed to an abusive dynamic, it's normal to think, "Well, I shouldn't have _______. That's what set him off." But that's part of the abusive dynamic......... but it's not your fault. YOU do not "make" anyone be violent. YOU do not "make" him abuse you. None of it is your fault. Not because you cried, or asked, or your tone of voice, or because you didn't stop talking. Normal relationships do not become violent just because you talk. :(

:not your fault:

Take the computer to a safe location. AT LEAST back up all your files on a jump drive and keep it in a safe location.

Even though you have your own car, other members have had their partners take their keys. Make sure you have a key he doesn't know about, on your person, so that you can always access it.

What if he barricades you in a room or somewhere that you can't get to a phone? That's why I advise keeping a phone hidden on you.

I'm being this serious because this guy really is dangerous. I can't pull punches when I feel someone really is in danger. The remorse afterward is just part of the abuse dynamic. It doesn't mean anything at all. It definitely doesn't mean he won't do it again...and worse...the next time. The next time might land you in a hospital or worse.

Get your equipment out. The lizard - I know you care about your pet, but is the lizard worth your life?

This person is not safe for you to be around at all. He is unpredictable and rapidly escalating.

Is there a time you know he will be out of the house for a few hours and you could move your things out? Yes it's just "stuff" - but at the very least, as soon as possible, get the most important things to a safe location. Irreplaceable photos and memorabilia, important papers, things like that.

With abusers like yours, it's happened to members that they have literally had to run away with what they had on their backs at the moment. That they haven't been able to get to their car. That they haven't been able to get to their phone, or their purse. I tell you this because it will help you be safer if you prepare yourself for the possibility.

I'm extremely worried for you, and I hope you will take your own safety very, very seriously. This one - he really scares me. I hope you will do whatever is necessary as soon as possible to get yourself to safety. :(

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If you care about your things take a day off work to move it all out and get out. This will destroy you if you stay. The longer you stay, the harder it is to get out.

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How did it go with the service at work?

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They're going to send me some information on what my legal options are as to breaking the lease as well as a phone number for local shelters. So at least I feel less trapped now.

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That's good. Knowledge is power and all that lol.

You can do this.

X

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Lemondrop.

I am glad you are here... I was literally getting a stomach ache reading your posts here. He is clearly abusive - even if he wasn't as abusive as your ex. The level of abusiveness doesn't really matter, neither does the type. In your situation he seems dangerous! Like he can do anything in the heat of the moment...

I am scared for you. I know things, pets, and contracts are things to block us from leaving initially. But in the big picture.. it is not.. You can pack stuff up when you leave, rent a storage room for $1 for the first month, you can bring your lizard with you or find someone to take care of him/her for a little while. And the lease.. if you talked to your landlord after you do leave about your situation, I think there are options - but it's never a bad idea to look into options prior to leaving.

I feel an urge to tell you to get out ASAP. he is not nice.. not even if he is nice.. Is "nice" even a word that can be used for him?

I am honestly scared for you and hoping you will find a way out of this crazy 4 month mess as soon as possible. You deserve so much more!!

Hugs

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I found out that in my state, if you have an order of protection, the landlord has to let you out of your lease. I'm guessing that there are things that can be done in your state too. I hope that you manage to get out.

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Lemondrop - I'm really worried about you too! He is definitely abusive. He blames his behavior on you. We all have a choice as to how we react to things in life. Yes, something may make a person mad but a heallthy person may be mad but they will choose to calmly talk about their anger and not get violent. You DO NOT cause his behavior!!!!!!

Please be careful!!! He sounds like he could turn into the stalker type.

Please take the above advice and have an extra key, extra phone, and a "bug-out" bag. I remember my last fight with my ex. He had gotten into an argument with me and he got so mad when I was telling him my feelings he threw a water bottle on the ground and almost hit me. I immediately went into the house and started packing a bag and he followed and blocked the doorway. It was more for show because he let me pass but it could have been a lot worse.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing!!

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I did find out I can get out of the lease if needed. I've decided to give him one last chance, because I have noticed him taking steps to control himself when he gets angry. He still seems to get angry over very little things, but I did notice he kept control when I got very upset the other day and said things I shouldn't have. But if it gets physical again, I'll have no choice. 😕

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I think that you are in danger and already have no choice. Save yourself.

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Hi Lemondrop, are you setting up anything practical? While giving him a chance, which we can all understand, it's important to have an escape - flat/place to stay set up so you can get out as soon as things turn bad again. Sorry to say but this is almost guaranteed - and if it gets bad again - it will just carry on and you will find yourself more and more stuck. As hard as it is now to leave - it only gets harder - because sickly, you'll gay life attached to him and his abuse will become more and more normalised - so you NEED to have something set to for yourself. It sounds very dangerous otherwise, please help yourself.

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What things did you say that you "shouldn't have," when you got upset? Just wondering

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