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Quaddie

Vent About Fear

45 posts in this topic

I'm afraid of almost everything now.

Pretty much everything triggers something that triggers the fears. I'm sure it's all from PTSD but it's so intertwined with so many functions of daily life that I feel like I can't do anything and I don't even want to. I just want to avoid and go walk into the desert or something.

Example, I'm afraid to pay bills (that's long-standing) from past financial PTSD - which of course is even worse (again!) now because the same situations that caused it keep repeating.

But I'm also afraid to even look at my bank account. I'm afraid to look at anything that reminds me of something that has dreadfully hurt me. And so much has. It's like I can't even function in life. Because everything requires me to do these things that I cannot do. And it's not usually something that somebody else could handle for me. And I'll never feel better about it all because - frankly - it's all monetarily-based. So unless I feel absolutely positively secure that I have plenty of money to handle anything and everything that might come up, I have these overwhelming fears. It's fact-based. It's real... it's not imagined. And unless there's some miracle, I'm not going to have what I need in order to feel safe and be able to handle these things.

For most people maybe this would create some sort of "driving force" that would motivate me into tirelessly doing whatever it takes to ensure that I'm so fricken' rich that I don't ever have to worry about this stuff. But - I'm no spring chicken and I'm limited and evidently I lack the "tireless drive" and really I just want the world to leave me alone and let me do whatever I want to do and that's not realistic, I know, but I just can't handle the needs of everyday life anymore. And it's like - I'm so tired of "trying to overcome" and battling these things, I don't even want to anymore. And I won't want to in the future, either. Because I think it's all pretty perverse to have to keep going through this awful "Groundhog Day," again and again, with all its pain. I feel like there's something really, really wrong with the world that this is what's "necessary." I don't like it, and I don't want to do it that way. But this is "the way it is."

(This is in addition to all the "other stuff" from work, etc., but it's also all related. Yeah I'm a fricken' mess.)

I need to find another way, but that would mean something so entirely outside the box that it's not even in a dimension we're even aware of. A tesseract, maybe. And not only think of it, but bring myself to do it. All the while still realllllly not wanting to deal with any of this stuff that's making me struggle so intensely and unbearably painfully in my soul. But having to do it anyway.

(Sorry, got a little esoteric there. But then again, why should I have to apologize? That's another thing... being ridiculed for using "big words" or...concepts...or whatever. I'd thought I was in a place where I could just be myself, but I wasn't. Some people think you're putting them down if you use "big words." It's their insecurity but it's somehow my problem or "fault." Aargh. I am tired of having to worry about everyone else. So Marty, just get me more garbage for the flux capacitor!)

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Quaddie,

in my therapy I have coined the terms spaghetti monster to describe what you are talking about, where one thing seems to trigger another and its hard to see where things begin and end. I'm sorry this is what you are experiencing right now, but I completely sympathize!

I know we have talked about this, but I understand about the fear stuff with doing things. I often feel paralyzed and frustrated with the PTSD and trying to do normal stupid things.

I know very logically that its all in my head etc. but it is not a logical issue it is emotional and I get triggered. I told the therapist I need something so good and so powerful that it just shifts the program that I run completely. I don't know what that its yet- but we have been talking about doing emotional freedom tapping.

Don't despair too much, I do believe there is some kind of good magic/medicine for the soul that we need and that we can find it!

I share your like of the idea of tesseracting, and ps I am totally nerding out that you just used that in a senternce! God I loooved those books!

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It's so funny, I had just cleared some things off my desk last night and I have that book about tapping - it was buried under the stuff I cleared off, I'd only partially read it - so I put it in another room to look at it again. But I remember trying it and it didn't help me. :(

Nothing seems to help at all, and.. you know that "awful" feeling from being in, and just waking up, from a nightmare? I feel that in my waking, all the time. My situation feels very dire and it's not just a short-term thing, it's been going on for a very long time and just growing worse and worse....

P.S. I'm glad you liked my tesseract reference ;) It's actually a double reference...hmm... one way as in "more dimensional than a 3-dimensional box." And the other way comes straight from my visual memory of the page in a A Wrinkle in Time when it's explained, the shortest distance between two points is not a straight line, and to explain, a drawing is shown of folding fabric to meet point-to-point. I literally need to do something like that (okay, figuratively-literally, lol) - Like you said, some sort of MAJOR shift. But I feel - I know - for me, it's not a shift in my "head," but rather that I need to make a major shift in my life and it must - by its very nature - include large sums of money and I have been desperately trying to figure out how to make that magically happen and I can't. Or I don't. Or I'm just failing. Because I lack the ability or drive or whatever it is I lack to make this stuff happen. "Other people do it" so it's just me who's failing. But I also lack time. On an overall basis. Like - time is running out. It's actually already run out. It's a desperate need. There are things I "could" do - and am, perhaps, working on - that may or may not bring a trickle of $, but not a massive flow I need in order to fix my world. And it does come down to money, no matter what axioms others may spout or live by - for me, the answer is money. Because that is the stuff of survival. And the stress and horror of the not-having, and the repeated devastations, is more than I can handle. And that's literally-literally.

I've been going through my writings because I want to publish them somehow. They span many, many decades. There are a LOT of them. Some of them, I didn't even remember writing. I got very, very sad looking through them, the repeated themes, the stagnancy of my life - from trying to force myself into a world to which I am completely unsuited. I didn't even know if I could remember how to write a poem anymore. It's been over a decade (omg) since I've really done any. (I've been concentrating on another format, but still...) I was trying to think about the "me" that I was... How to make the shift. What is maintaining the stagnancy (besides the need for money). What it would take to really change the ...state of my being...? The clearness of "who I am," my authenticity in the world... it's hard to explain.

(When I do the "work thing," I feel I am another person - a different persona - still "me" but yet not "me" - but I am not able to merge that persona with the reality of who I actually am, it's not possible, and so I constantly feel a lack of authenticity and constant need to be what feels very false. It's a real need to be false, to take on a false persona, in order to make the money to survive, but it is excruciatingly painful to me. Then, when I have weekends off, it takes nearly the whole weekend for me to be able to even begin the process of re-occupying myself, my real self/persona - to remember "who I am" - just in time to have to go back into the environment where I have to "be" the other person. And there really is no way to merge the two - they are completely divergent, my nature is just not suited for that. The minute I step into a work environment, my "self" changes, so to speak. There is no way for it not to - because it is so foreign to my being, everything about it is just not who or what I really am. The problem is, there is no other way to financially survive.)

Anyway, back to this... While I was going through and reading some old writings, getting very sad at the stagnancy and waste, how I've not made my life my own at all - despite that having been my goal when I left my ex... caught in this survival trap...... and trying to think, what is the shift, what "box" needs to be turned on its side and floated, what is the massive change that needs to happen? And then I wrote this (it's a draft and may change, and normally I would not share):

3-12-14

I took a trip inside myself tonight

Time-traveled through my writings I'd forgot

Discovered that though time and space had passed

Still I remained the same and in one spot

The answer came to me - to break the spell

to end the circle-without-ending's hell -

the secret is, the secret must unfurl

so set the writings free and show the world

* * * * *

Thing is, I have to remember this. That I thought of this being a way to shift things. I have so much trouble remembering the things I need to do for myself. The world has too much interference. I feel like a slug in a world of salt.

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I understand your fear completely!

I will tell that I think I understand this and what it is. My mom had a traumatic life and growing up I was more her mom. I was able to watch trauma from a third person point of view and and internal one because my mom discussed all of the topics with me which should have been keep off topic. Kind of robbed me from my childhood but I really do get that it was helpful to learn a few things about what makes people tick.

I like the visual of the spaghetti monster but if you could picture a blue electric rope.

When you have a bad experience your brain sends a chemical attachment to that memory like a blue electric rope. When you have a new memory if you have something that triggers that thought it can attached another blue electric rope to that memory. Then if you have a experience that was similar to the last memory that has a similar scent, emotion, feel that get close to either of those ropes, it will attach another blue electric rope to it. These are chemical ropes and ties. What you end up with is a bunch of blue electric ropes connecting to your bad memories. Like a spaghetti monster but like a static sock stuck to your brain. All those little electric arms holding the memory. What begins to happen is you start creating good memories and they start attaching themselves to the other blue ropes as they connect up and pull into the bad memory.

This is a mental consciousness where you have to be aware you're starting to do this. Acknowledge it and do not accept do it anymore.

1. You have to start with one good memory and I suggest to get a picture to help with a visual. Something like a event or with real life action.
2. Make it PURE in your mind. Say this is a PURE memory it is not attached to anything bad or from the past.
3. When you talk about your memory it can be only be talked about in a positive light.
4. Open this memory up to you the people around you that you are building with not protecting yourself from. Talk about it positive.
5 Count the memory and know it is ONE PURE PERFECT MEMORY.
6. When you feel the pull and the bad memory start to surface and attach. Rebuke the attachment then say I will not ruin my life this memory is pure and mine.
7. Hold to it and keep it solid.
8. You need to create more the one memory is not enough to hold back all the chemical attachment. You need 2 pure memories then 3.
9. Keep doing this until you have a small mental album. Only talk and hold on to those. Only once you have a year of good memories and a full album can you look back.

If you look back make rules. They are not allowed to attached themselves to your cherished memories. They are in the past and do not reflect who you are today.
These rules are ones that you make and place on yourself. Your mind is a tool and it needs the help to process all that it has gone through. Now that your not being controlled you have to re-establish your control.

You do not need to be a scientist to know that you can work with your own chemical memories. http://science.time.com/2013/09/11/memories-can-now-be-created-and-erased-in-a-lab/
I am not saying to not remember I am saying to start to allow yourself to not be effected by this. The key work is to connect with allowing yourself to not connect to the past. Now that you are out you can do this with out the daily harassment. I do believe that identifying also as a victim of abuse can be a strong attractor. Part of recovering is to overcome. Once you overcome you do not erase but you do not associate with the abuse either. You allow yourself to not be controlled.

What I am say may sound strange but it is a recipe for overcoming bad chemical ties to good new fresh memories. I did help my mother over come this and myself well as well. I hope this makes sense to you- it should!

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No, I get it - but I'm not entirely out. I still have to deal with them, they are still trying to communicate with me, and I have other things I have to deal with..

But it's not even just the work thing....it's everything.

Counselor tries to teach me "thought stopping." To stop them from going places. Problem is, there's nothing to fill the void.

Before all this work stuff started, I had known I was constantly keeping "bad thoughts" away - picturing them as balloons that would near me, then I'd poke them away, one after another. Kind of a constant, subtle "juggling." So I was trying to bring more authenticity and myself into my life and allow myself to feel more, but then things got worse and allowing myself to feel turned out to be a very, very bad idea.

So if I say "STOP!" and don't let the bad thoughts/memories come - it's the same as constantly poking the bad "thought-balloons" away. It's a constant thing, and there's nothing good to think about or focus on. It's not that I'm a negative person, I just don't have necessarily the same good things or associations or meanings from things that other people might... Idk. It's hard to explain. Like, some people derive meaning and life satisfaction from certain things that really just don't do it for me, it's just the way I am. And I'm not really enjoying anything anymore, haven't for quite some time, and it's not just "mood" - it's something bigger and deeper, I'm broken, I've seen behind the curtain and can't unsee certain things in life, and it's left me empty. But... not a vacuous empty - not a vacuum that nature abhors and will be filled, but a shriveled sort of empty. Or full, but fossilized. Used up, but raw at the same time.

Counselor wants me to do things to fulfill myself - of course I want to do that too, even though I no longer "feel" the drive - but when I do, then other things that need to be done, can't get done (and I'm not talking about say doing dishes or laundry, which frankly I don't do much of - lol - but I mean really important things, the things that are the things bringing me the fears and the horrorshow of what my life has become. I can't just switch between horrorshow and "self-being." So it's either one, or the other. And if I choose the self, then my basic survival needs won't be met. And those are the basis of my fears, more than just fears, a very basic soul-against-having-to-deal.

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Quaddie,

you are very poetic, even though you are talking about things that hurt and frustrate you. Writing is an amazing way to sort through things sometime, and if you feel safe to do so, please keep sharing your poems! I am sure many of would appreciate it, or even relate to what you are saying. You say you would like to publish have you looked at any self publishing options, or thought of starting a blog?

I'm sorry you feel like you are living a waking nightmare, it sounds like body memory/trauma/ stress.

Did you try the tapping by yourself or with a coach? The EFT my therapist was suggesting was with a coach or even a group.

Yeah I love a wrinkle in time :)

As far as needing the major shift and lots of money to do it I really get that. I have said something similar to my therapist. They said to break it down into tiny parts, what can I do right now, what can I do that is small, easily achievable right now.

Also something I like to think about when I feel like I will never have enough money to make a huge change, I remember what someone taught me a while back, and that is that money doesn't really exist. With the exception of some hard cash we have on hand, it's just a bunch of numbers floating through space, just a bunch of math. And this to me makes me think of how much of the universe is math, and how we interact with it and change it with our own energy, that it is a manipulable force.

What it would take to really change the ...state of my being...? The clearness of "who I am," my authenticity in the world... it's hard to explain.

(When I do the "work thing," I feel I am another person - a different persona - still "me" but yet not "me" - but I am not able to merge that persona with the reality of who I actually am, it's not possible, and so I constantly feel a lack of authenticity and constant need to be what feels very false. It's a real need to be false, to take on a false persona, in order to make the money to survive, but it is excruciatingly painful to me. Then, when I have weekends off, it takes nearly the whole weekend for me to be able to even begin the process of re-occupying myself, my real self/persona - to remember "who I am" - just in time to have to go back into the environment where I have to "be" the other person. And there really is no way to merge the two - they are completely divergent, my nature is just not suited for that. The minute I step into a work environment, my "self" changes, so to speak. There is no way for it not to - because it is so foreign to my being, everything about it is just not who or what I really am. The problem is, there is no other way to financially survive.)

I know what you mean about having a different persona, I think of them as archetypes (see book God(s)dess in every woman/man). There are a few archetypes that are dominant for me, and they may not be the ones I need to go to work, so I work towards developing that public face that allows my softer sensitive archetypes to be safe. The Goddess Athena is the one I would need to have a good career. I'll admit that it does feel foreign at times. But I think its like any new skill your learn, in the case the skill would be Athena, but mastering that skill doesn't change my dominant flow which is some of the other Goddess archetypes.

The other way I look at the whole persona issue is the ones I had to adopt in my family in order to survive, and the parts of my self that have disassociated. I think it's the part of me forced to be something and the part that has split off that have such a hard time going out and having to put on another mask to work or socialize. I think my goal would be to change this to not wearing a mask but using that archetype that is better at the public relations stuff as a tool that enhances or supports my main archetypes.

Part of making that work is to figure out who I am more.

You have said you are trying to force yourself into a world for which you are completely unsuited, and when you are different than what everyone thinks of the norm that may make it seem to be true. I think, and though I have not yet got it together in this department, I think that you either feel miserable not fitting in, or embrace yourself and revel in the fact that you don't. Perhaps this is why you struggle with authenticity so much, your not really embracing what you feel to be your true self. And you have asked what major shift is needed, well what would it look like for you to embrace this inner person and manage your financial needs at the same time.

What non negotiable things does your artist self need? What compromises can it make so you can survive and bring in money?

I love the book the artists way, and Julia Cameron talks about filling the artistic well. Sometimes it doesn't take much, it could just be being dedicated to writing poems and having a routine that is of your true self when you get home from work.

I tend to do all or nothing, that my self has to have it this way or I won't make it at all. But I surprise myself when I do small things for me that end up filling me more than I expected, especially things like you were encouraging me to do- things that I was told I could not :)

:hug008:

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When you're an artist of sorts, you can't count on it as being a form of income at all.

And the forms that would allow me to earn an income are not something I want to do. I just have no interest in that.

Currently trying to put together the writings and see about how to self-publish. I was going to just do an ebook, but I have a craving for it to be a physical volume that someone could hold in their hands, so once I've got things more together I'll have to check into that.

My "primary" art expression has been something else... which takes a lot more work, focus, time, concentration, skill, etc...

I think about your question -

What non negotiable things does your artist self need? What compromises can it make so you can survive and bring in money?
It made me teary, I don't know why, but I think there is no answer. At this point in my life I feel like I need to just set my reality of me onto the world, but being as it is what it is - it can't earn a survival income. I don't even have anything in any format that makes that possible, and it will take a load more of time, effort and $$ to even get it into that format. And I don't want to write for a living (as in, business writing, content marketing, any of that). I've been doing enough of that for 30+ years and I am just really done with it... I'm completely uninterested, and in fact for some reason using Word is, like, the worst program on my eyes, which is a problem. (I don't know why specifically Word is so bad, but it is,ironically enough.) I have been compromising for way too long - decades - and it's not working. It's required this "splitting" of selves and the backburnering of ...the reality of who and what I am. I just feel like I can't do it anymore - it's all either/or. It may not be either/or for others, but it is for me... and I've tried, I've tried so many ways and means, and for so long...

And in every workplace, in addition to having to take on a different persona - it's always basically a survival jungle because I am always targeted for abuse. It has to do with my appearance and a lot of factors I can't change, and I'm sick of trying to "change myself" so as not to be targeted for abuse. I shouldn't have to do that. I am sick of constantly just "not being okay as I am." I just want to be able to be what I am, and not have to be targeted, and not have to force myself into roles I don't even want to play anymore. And that's not a way I can survive. It basically at this point is either/or... Because the forms of what I do, that would make income, are not enjoyable or what I want to do, for others, at all.

I have to think of some answer but idk what it is, I feel pulled in 50 different directions and yet paralyzed, I have challenges that just add to the irony of what I waste myself on while I'm not-doing, and time is running out. And it's my fail, for just not-doing. And my basic survival needs right now are ...extremely iffy.

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...I am still thinking about what you said about compromise and non-negotiable, though. I have trouble remembering what I need to think about :-/...

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Hi,

sorry if I made you tear up! :(

I think maybe what I mean by non negotiable is doing the little things that fill the well and help keep you going.

Like for me having my own room in our home to be creative is non-negotiable, being able to write and art journal are also some small things that I don't do for money but fill the well. It could also be going to a movie, an art museum, something that costs $10 and under but feeds that primary self. That way you are not starving the artist while you face some real world decisions like job hunting etc.

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It's okay, I think I get it, I think it was just a matter of like when someone cares, or caring about the self..... I'm not always good at articulating things.

But then, I'm not able to get my non-negotiables, maybe that's it.... There's always, always something in the way. And one could say that I "let them" get in the way, but it seems like it happens no matter what. And/or I'm just not doing. And then when I do the survival things I have to become the non-me person in order to even do them, because the "me" person can't deal with any of this... So it's like dipping in and out of myself, just the slightest, but mostly being in a state of self that isn't what I want to be.

Ughhh I know I'm really pathetic. I can't even deal with myself. It's like this soul-mortifying, end-of-the-world feeling about everything... it's really bad. Even the simplest things. I just feel too beaten down by the world. bleh ptooey lol

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How are you at finishing things? Do your fears get in the way of completing a task?

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The fears get in the way of my even doing these things at all. If it's something I'm afraid of, even if I begin it I might only be able to go so far before it's too much. Sometimes permanently.

As for finishing things in general, that's probably a separate thing. More about I like the ideas more than the stick-to-it-ive-ness it takes to complete them, lol. Plus all the other issues with having too much to do (and that's not stuff like dishes or laundry), so there are always a lot of things needing to be completed as well.

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I suggest doing block clearing! I am doing this myself. I could not finish a task I get to the 3/4 mark and the music stops playing and the wind quits blowing. I am realizing that that is me with a hidden fear. I have been talking it and I have finished many projects. One of the things that helps me is when I put a care in the place.

For example I am taking a order for this new business I am doing.This thing to me is kind on therapy that pays me. I am getting paid to get healed. I finished the party and OMGosh people booked more parties.... FEAR I have to do this bloody thing again. Okay not I have peoples charge cards. WHat if something goes wrong like I have to call them and deal with more people and I might look scattered.... FEAR

I tell myself I care for them to have the things they desire and I have a interest to get their questions answered and fix the issues.

I painted a painting and well someone liked it so much asked me for one. So now I have to pain the same one again. Well I had no fear painting for myself but I did have fear paint for others. WHy would I fear doing for others unless I had been trained that people are not loving by a bad experience maybe! HUmmmmmm!!!!!

Do energy clearing and blocking. I think it will help. These task may seem stupid but they heal and your do achieve overcome fears without people directly over you. So once you see achievements then you can start to add people. Life is about good experiences. Lots of really good experiences.

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No yeah, Chavah, I think my energy is horrible. I'm sure of it. All my chakras are sludge. It's all part & parcel of the same 'everything'-ness of bad stuff and how it's all interconnected.

The severe fears came from bad things happening. It was cause-effect. Then I never get anywhere because just when things start to get better, then WHAM bad again, so I never get a chance to heal. There hasn't been a kind of "normal" balance to things in my life, ever.

I have several different types of fear going on, but the worst is the ones that are basically phobias, making me feel paralyzed and worthless and hopeless because I can't do things I'm supposed to/need to do in order to survive because of the fear.... The fear of dealing with them, it's indescribable, like to my soul.... like unsurvivable. I've talked before too about how I don't really think I can self-soothe, nothing that's supposed to work, works... and so of course I fear my own reactions because it's not that I feel like I can't handle them - I really can't handle them. And just thinking about stuff, the stress gives me chest pain and weird feelings (not even necessarily irregular heartbeats & I'm not hyperventilating & it's not musculoskeletal - they didn't find a cause for some of it, I think it might be angina, they didn't even discuss that) that lingers for hours, a day.... giving me yet another physical issue I just have to pretend and "ignore."

Sometimes I get sick enough of myself to actually do something, but usually that only brings me to the point where I resolve, but then can't actually do.

I feel like an animal that can't live in this environment (the world as it is, work world, etc.) and it's just the way I was made. It's quite clear the world has given me every message that I don't belong in that. I should have gone a different path. Now it just feels like it's too late, and I feel like I'm so broken...

We were watching The Black List, and Red Reddington said something that really spoke to me. The quote was: "Once you cross over, there are things in the darkness that can keep your heart from ever feeling the light again." That's exactly how I've felt for a long time. Like I've just crossed an experiential and vision line, and once over that line, the world is just experienced very differently. So it feels very bleak.

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sirius, I'll look at the book, thanks for the suggestion. Although I think my unacceptability was ingrained before birth, heh, then just constantly reinforced, so idk.

I was watching the Fray video and had a thought. I have this "issue" that I feel my self-ness is...for lack of a better word, "blurry?" - among others. For example, I see some people on TV and think I "should be" like that. I see others at work or whatever and feel like I "should be" like them. It's like a shapelessness... One could say it's about boundaries, but it is and it isn't, it's something a bit...more. Not sure how to explain. BUT.... When watching the video, I started thinking that that "blurriness" is also part of why I am creative and my ability to be "open" to things and take them onboard and synergize things into new things. This was sort of abstract in my head so even though I wrote it down, I'm not sure I'll remember what I meant when I thought of it, lol.....

But also I know I used to be able to "go places" in my head creatively like what I've heard other people describe on "trips" (so I would never, EVER take acid because that would be awful!!)... And there's a barrier that the drug reduces which is why it takes people to new creative places, in me I think that barrier is naturally very low (or used to be - I haven't exercised that part of myself in so long that I'm not sure I can do it anymore). So THAT is not a "flaw" - it's just a "difference," but in the reality of society and the world it makes it hard to not constantly be flowing this way and that way and the other way.

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I think I'm just gutless and lack focus. And it's like I get scattered... like I literally can't - the fear is like a force that keeps mercury drops from coming together and forming and being used. And even if it forms, it just keeps rolling away from what I need to do. The fear is like terror. It's petrifying. So I don't want to do the things...... which doesn't (logically) make it "better" because they just don't get done, but I can't bring myself... There's no logic and no techniques that have helped, and sometimes I can even get completely obliterated on some form of medication or alcohol and still not be able to do things. Or look at things. And sometimes even after I've looked at something (like an email or letter), I can't look at it again or acknowledge it even if I know what's in it. I can't explain.

I know it doesn't make any "sense" but it's enough to really make me nonfunctional... Like agoraphobia of the head.

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I just finished watching this week's MindGames. I watch partially with an eye for the concepts, many of which I've already read about, to see if there's any help for me in them, to reprogram or help myself.

He described how memories are like fish hooks (or I picture ornament hooks). A bowl of hooks. When you pick one up, others come along, all stuck together. That's accurate... And a sort of triggering the "feeling" of a past, a relationship, a promise, a memory..... so I thought maybe there is something there.

So I scoured my head and past and memories for something, anything that was a time, place, person where I felt safe and secure. Something that I could "program" back into myself, remind myself of, trigger. But... there just has never been. There's no touchstone like that, there's nothing in me that can genuinely tell myself "I can do this, that or the other and get through the pain and be okay"... because I know it's not true. It hasn't been true... I've been whittled away, broken down, by thing after thing, bad situation after bad situation, devastation after devastation... half a century of it... I've got nothin' left. There's nothing in me I can speak to, that can be relied upon. There's nothing in my past to soothe me or make me feel better. There's nobody and nothing I can recall or "trigger" that will help me feel better.

There's just this mortifying, soul-crushing fear-terror of these things I need to do..... but cannot do...... can't put myself through, but need to, but can't... and then of course the feeling like being an utter failure for not being able to. In addition to all the terror. Which you'd think might lead to my "just going ahead and doing it" to get it over with and at least not feel so horrible about the fact that I can't - but that isn't working for me anymore. It's like a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual force preventing me. I'm forever hanging over the edge of a precipice about to fall, and I know for a fact there's no one to catch me, and the chasm is unsurvivable. That's how it feels. Feet dangling....sweaty palms slipping..... knowing there is no miracle, and the best I can hope for is to bounce around off the rock-hard, sharp-sharded walls of the chasm, smacking to and fro and gaining speed and bruises and breaks and internal injuries and pain, incredible pain, as I slam, slam, slam back and forth between the walls until hitting bottom. And, at that bottom, there is no help, either.

I honestly do not know what to do.

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I want to help but I have to be honest.

I hear a lot of cant. I really do not believe youre not capable I believe you are capable. I believe a majority of your problem come from the negative spiral of cant. You need to switch the vortex to a upward positive vortex of can. This is why the bad is following you. Your attracting it with all the negative. If you change a simple sentence it means the same thing but it changes how others view you. I believe how you talk is instrumental to this change. I want to see you try to just change the way you talk. Do not change YOU!!!

A- A sentence that reflects how you feel:
I feel like an animal that can't live in this environment (the world as it is, work world, etc.) and it's just the way I was made. It's quite clear the world has given me every message that I don't belong in that. I should have gone a different path. Now it just feels like it's too late, and I feel like I'm so broken...

B- A sentence that shows what you would enjoy:
I just need to get out today. I want to connect with someone and just know I matter.

Difference is one says I can't be help the other says I need people in my life and tells them they can meet your needs.

Are you telling me people can't love you and meet your needs. I believe they can if you allow them and give them tangible things and ways to do it. Truth is you feel like a mess so you do not want anyone near you. So you have to reconsie that and say I can. I can heal. I can get over this. I can love and I can care. I give myself this permission to do this.

Which sentence would you want to hang with and who would you feel like you could go get a burger with? Sentence A or Sentence B don't they both say the same thing.

He is right about fish hooks. Just like blue electric strings attaching themselves. You CAN do this!!! :-)

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PTSD. Phobias. I cannot because I cannot. The terror is overwhelming.

Oh I COULD but I am terrified beyond terror of what these things bring and my feelings about it... that is what keeps me terrified. It's extremely severe fear based on real experiences that have grown through the years because they keep repeating before I can get any semblance of "over" it. And I honestly do not have the capacity or ability to deal with my own pain and fear. I just don't. I didn't learn it as a child, I don't have coping mechanisms, the pain is like a meat-grinder of my soul, combined with burning acid... No techniques are working.

Say there's a spot on your arm and someone keeps bashing a hammer on it. Every time you think it's going to start to heal, someone else bashes a hammer on it. Harder. Then again. Then again. The bruises become permanent. Every time the hammer comes down, it bashes deeper. The skin starts to disintegrate. Pretty soon it's getting to bone. The bone starts fragmenting. Still, the hammer keeps coming down. That's not about attitude.... Fearing the hammer is fearing a reality. The reality is that it does do this damage. I could tell myself I'm not afraid of that hammer all I wanted but it still would damage, and I would just be deluding myself.

There's nobody who can help me overall with my needs, not in the ways that are necessary, no. There's nobody but me. There just isn't. No family, no support in dealing with these things in a way that can provide solid help - back me up - help me feel safe or supported or that anything is okay.

This isn't about socialization or grabbing a burger or getting out... that's not even important to me. Connecting with others isn't really related, it just would be a diversion from the source issues. I mean, that's not even part of any of this at all. Even if I mattered to someone else on a genuine level, that doesn't change any of this... This is really not about letting people help. There are a few people who do what they can, but the reality is nobody else can do what needs to be done but me. I say "I can't" because I can't. It's like saying "I can't just step off that 40-story building knowing there's nothing between me and the pavement." It's that kind of "can't." It's not attitude, it's so incredibly terrifying and painful, based on realities of what I've experienced and am going through and dealing with. There's simply nobody who can help meet this particular need because what it comes down to in reality is money, and things that I am psychologically incapable of dealing with but have got myself into. There's no magic money savior. And there's nobody who can deal with these things for me. Not only is it that there is nobody in my life who can, but in reality nobody can, because they're not necessarily doable by anyone else. Unless perhaps I magically had tons of $$ to pay someone else to do them - which is the problem in the first place, there is no money. Right now I have no income and have screwed up getting unemployment (which isn't nearly enough) and I can't even deal with that. Because of the hammer. And because I truly have screwed everything up.

I say things in here that I may not say anywhere else or to anyone else in real life. If I say things in here, it doesn't mean that's necessarily what "others" see. Not that there are many others anyway. But - socialization is not a part of this at all, and it's not that important to me right now, or maybe ever, it's just the way I am in my personal life. I'm not a lovey-dovey extrovert and I don't need lots of other people and in fact they take away energy from me. We went out yesterday to look at things in stores. It's "more fun" and a distraction but had nothing to do with the realities of my situation or the specific practicalities I cannot deal with. Can't - because I can't. The pain and terror is indescribable. Then I feel more alone because it doesn't seem like anyone in my life understands the depth of this...how very serious, how severe it is. How much damage that hammer has done. And the fear of the hammer is justified because it doesn't stop and it does keep creating more damage. So it's not a groundless, baseless fear. The pain is not groundless or baseless. It's real. It's not because I think I can't. I know what it's like to deal with these things. I used to have to, then more and more and more, over and over and over, until it became too much and I couldn't anymore. So I know there's a negative spiral and I have no answer to get out of it because the real terror is too overwhelming. I have no reason to believe I "can" because I have no reason to have faith in a magical "all-rightness" of anything... because my experience has been else.

And it is a world I don't belong in, the world of the working for others politics and b.s. and crap and judgments. I've experienced nearly every kind of work environment from tiny family business to giant corporation and I simply don't fit in and am always targeted for abuse. It has a lot to do with unchangeable physical attributes - people make judgments based on them, I experience it time and time again, when I get the chance I talk about their misperceptions and stereotypes face-on. And the other aspect of my "not fitting in" is that it's simply not something that gives me any satisfaction or gratification whatsoever, I have to be "someone else" in order to do that kind of work and to fit into those environments. Much of the devastation comes from insecure abusers who have to "stomp me down" and in conjunction with the stereotypes and their cognitive dissonance about how I don't match what they think I should be based on their misjudgments. Sometimes they are narcs or sociopaths and/or even deluded. But I didn't - like others do, like I "should have" done, I didn't "create for myself" some other situation. And now it's too late to magically make myself something survivable in the next few days - or weeks. The real options are to somehow go back to that world in which I do not fit in at all, but have to fake well enough to convince others that I do and want to, enough to survive. And that was killing me, as well. And in the meantime, that doesn't change any of these giant things on my list that I have to do and can't bring myself to deal with because they are too painful and terrifying for me. I'm not talking about killing a spider in the bathtub-type of terrifying. I can't even explain.

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Quaddie,

It sounds like you have burned out, but before that I think you can give yourself credit for all the time you were able to pick up and start over, and for making it work in some really horrible work situations. I think the state of can't comes from being burned out, but you have proven that when you need to you can.

Maybe you need some time to heal and to collect yourself. If I could I would go on disability right now to help supplement income and give me the time I need for therapy and to look for more options in the healing department.

I do understand more know than before that healing is personal and not everything will resonate the same for people. So maybe that means you continue to try different things until you see what fits. It takes time, but that doesn't mean there is not a good fit for you that can help you move forward in the way that you would like to.

If you are evaluating things and there is much you cannot do right now, it helps to take inventory of what you can do. Perhaps bringing in outside support is part of that. And if you don't have anyone in your immediate life to rely on start searching for groups or state funded programs that are available.

For me it is important to acknowledge that my feelings in the state of " I can't" are real and valid. I have a perfectly valid reason for feeling that way, and so do you.

I have a favorite quote that says " Honor the divinity of your grief". In other words if you don't give you emotions and feelings their due respect you will keep stumbling upon them as you try to walk forward.

so scream and cry, and feel the intensity that is being sick and done with everything and that you feel nothing will work, that you can't move on, feel that rock bottom, acknowledge it, pay your respects and be one with it for as long as you can while keeping yourself safe (if it becomes to intense, hopeless change gears, find a distraction). Someone suggested to me that I time myself, and do this for maybe just a whole minute. Doing it in small measured amounts can help you not get overwhelmed.

I think for me it has worked in that when I am done feeling everything I need to I can begin to look at some small baby steps of "I can". i always want to be validated that how I feel is okay, and you know it is. It is okay to feel the "can't, can't, can't". I also know that when I validate this for myself I can shift gears, and I decide that I don't want to feel hopeless, that there has to be something, some solution and I find a little bit of determination again.

I think you need to decide what you want, make a list of what you want to do, what you need. You have thought a lot about what won't work for you, but it could help to begin to imagine what would. Even if you don't think you could do it right this second, you need to know that you could.

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These things I need to do - but can't - are important for my very survival. Financial, housing, healthcare, food, etc. There's no time... And I can't go on disability, even if it were enough (it would be nowhere near enough) - it takes months or years to get, it takes resources I don't have, it takes things I can't do, support I don't have. And still would not be nearly enough.

There's no time and I know from the years of buildup that it's not going to get better, it's just gotten worse over the years. And there really is no help or support for me in these things. The things that need doing, there's nobody else, nobody to call, nobody else can do them but me. And even if there were - the "calling" itself would be yet another thing I couldn't do.

Baby steps..... I tell myself I'm just going to do this one thing. Then I can't do it.

I don't know.

I suck so badly.

I don't have any safety either.... It's hard to explain. Not even distractions work.

I just feel like there is no answer. :(

Like there's no help for me in this state of being, right now. I've reached out to those who are supposed to help and it doesn't help. There's nothing anybody can do. It's all, always, up to me - of course. No matter how badly I might need help, there are things nobody can help with. So it doesn't matter if I need help. It's still on me. So the only answer is to try to magically ignore my pain and horrific feelings. And even if I get past this temporary state, what awaits is more of the same of what I've experienced and hated all my life, because it leaves me unable to do what I really need to do for myself, it creates that impossible situation of not having enough of "me" left - because of challenges, energy, resources, time, ability. On a physical basis.

idk

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(Cont'd from above)

Like literally...there's nobody else to manage all my finances, and manage finding/taking care of healthcare policy, or deal with the aftermath of my employer, or deal with the other things I have to deal with re: that....... Or deal with my (screwup) re: unemployment benefits.... I'm sure they've made a determination against me now and there's no way for me to really find out because I can't handle that pain, and the difficulty and pain and fear of proceeding forward with whatever I have to do from there because I screwed UP... There's no one else who can do any of that... There's no one else who can (or I would trust) to go into my bank account, my email accounts, to write a summary of the things that occurred at my employer, to contact the eeoc, to look through my emails re: that, to find a lawyer who might work on contingency and thinks I have a case, there's nobody to do any of that for me, and it's too much for me to deal with... too painful. It's just all way too painful.

There's no money coming in, there's nobody to pay my bills, there's nobody to call to help, there's nobody who can do any of this... and my state of burnout, it's not like temporary and I'll get back, but I know it's permanent because this has been going on over and over again and I'm just done with it all. I have no desire to handle any of it. I have no desire to need to deal with any of this stuff. No desire to be able to do it. That kind of "strength" - is a person I don't want to pretend to be anymore. I'm not. I'm tired of battles and dealing with things. But there's no magic fix. That's just the way life is, and it doesn't matter, really, how I feel about it... and I know that.

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(cont'd from above 3... I know I'm a doof and go on and on thinking of more things)

Fwiw Holly it helps if someone believes how severely bad and real this is for me, so I thank you for that (I'm not good at lovey dovey so...lol)

Also I think it's not helping that I'm almost never alone in my own home. I need solitude to be able to feel free to feel my feelings. I had shut them down for so long, for so many years. When I'm doing "hard things" I need to be alone. Right now for example today I had resolved to do a couple of things that are upsetting me. But I know in 30 minutes bf's daughter is going to be home. I was just having a nonsensical crying jag. When people are home I have to not do that. Or if I do, be "quiet" about it. I have gone out to my car in my driveway to scream and cry. I shouldn't have to do that in my own home... so it upsets me more that I can't just be what I am in my own home...

The other day I asked my bf to join me at counseling (there was a misunderstanding and he didn't realize he was going to participate, which he got angry/upset about). Because he's not understanding the reality of the finances. He tells me he doesn't want me to worry - and he's sincere - but he's not able to do anything to help financially, and he's not willing to even consider helping financially. I still pay more than my fair share - it's a very sore subject - he refuses to believe he should pay more than he does, it's convenient for him. (Yes he rides an abuse line a lot - the financial thing, he has improved greatly over the years, but it's still not equitable especially since he and his daughter are 2/3 of the household, it's not equitable and it means I basically have been "supporting them" an extra $150/mo for years, but he just gets angry at the concept. And claims to "not understand" why I feel like everything is on my shoulders. I'm like, how can you not understand - if you don't pay me, it's not like the world crashes down. But if I don't make the house payment - it not only wrecks my credit, we could all be out of a house. Plus this house was basically my father's dying wish for me to have, and the culmination of many decades of struggle for me. It's not a pricey house and there aren't really savings in renting. Also if I don't pay the power - none of us has power. If I don't pay the water - none of us has water. If I don't pay the gas - none of us has heat or hot water. So how can you not understand how all this would feel like it's all on my shoulders??? He's conveniently "oblivious." BUT - he honestly does care.

So we were supposed to sit down and go through the finances and make a plan, to help ease my stress. Because he'd said he doesn't want me to worry, but he can't afford to step in and take over, so how am I supposed to magically not worry? That planning would require going through all the bills......which is one of the things that super-stresses me. Also - I can't deal with conflict. So for now - none of this sit-down or anything has happened. He is acting like nothing.... I guess I'm the one who has to bring it up. So how am I not supposed to feel like it's all on my shoulders???

So all this time I'm supposed to have been working on self-care but instead I've screwed up my unemployment benefits and might not get them at all - and if I do, it would take a fight that I'm in no mental or psychological (or financial) condition to deal with..... It may have to do with a severance agreement my employer is trying to push on me and I can't deal with them........ I won't accept the agreement - it paints me as a villian and hinders my future prospects when I had done nothing wrong. And so I don't even have any income when I thought at least I"d get the unemployment...... but I fkksd that up. Like pretty much everything I touch. And there simply is NOT money. Seriously in trouble here.

Also dealing with employer//eeoc means dealing with my email account which I'm terrified about...... Someone has helped me a bit with looking at the employer emails but I feel badly asking for continued help, plus I want them to LEAVE ME ALONE. THey terrorized me enough while I worked for them, but they are pushing me to sign the agreement because then I waive legal action...

If I can get my crap together and put together the things I need to for my legal case it could benefit me financially but I just can't seem to do that, either...... that's been an issue for a long time because it was so traumatic...... Also I'm terrified that a lawyer would think I have no case at all..... I don't know what to do. I should report to the EEOC first what happened (I still haven't because of the email fear and the pain/trauma of putting together a summary/documentation) and then worry about maybe finding a lawyer...... I'm just such a flippin' mess.....

idk

just.... idk

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